the horror...the horror...
A textile worker I knew was a bit of a recluse...



...he dyed alone

I am so,so sorry
(snordfjord Cranky...like a crank!, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 14:57, 2 replies)

Fishies
I once wandered up to the window of my office and looked down at the company pond.

"I want to see the goldfish" I said.
"They're COY" my colleague said.
"Nah, they're just a bit shy."

I didn't set that up, I was pretty proud of it to be honest.
(Just recline and let me service you, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 14:49, Reply)

Inspired by the Proper tea post below.....
Basicaly the story concerns a young hitchiker who decides to backpack around Australia on his gap year. It's going pretty well, and so far he hasn't been stung by anything poisonous or decapitated by a local psychopath or anything.

A couple of weeks in he comes to a small town by the name of Mercy. He's pretty exausted, so he stops by the local cafe for a drink. He notices that everyone is drinking the same kind of drink, that looks to be some kind of tea, so he asks the guy behind the bar what they're drinking. "that's Koala Tea mate, we make it round here, in fact the town's pretty famous for it"

Being vaugely adventerous, he gets a cup of Koala tea and sits down to drink it. When he takes a gulp however his mouth is full of gritty bits of leaf and he chokes a bit. He goes up to the bar and tells the barman that there's something wrong with it. The barman looks at him and says - "Nope mate, that's normal. The Koala tea of Mercy is not strained"
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 14:43, 4 replies)

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 14:42, 3 replies)

Bing Sings
I'm loving reading these so thought I would add my fave joke of all time - old but great :

Q: What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney ?
A: Bing sings and Walt Dis'nay

Multiple variations possible :

Q: What's the difference between the Royal Mint and Euro Disney ?
A: The Royal Mint makes money and Euro Dis'nay

I could go on ...
(iamdrdee *The more we are sober, the less we are free*, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 14:29, 1 reply)

If you ever have an anarchist to visit ....
... only offer them herbal tea.

'cos proper-tea is theft.
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 14:28, 3 replies)

It's not punny
I can't wait for next week's Question of the week:

Tell us your best ever >>>jokes<<< - get them out of your system now and let's not see them again.

We'll be able to reuse at least half the material from this weeks QOTW.
(ed-z, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 14:26, Reply)

More Tim Vine
I’ve got a sponge front door… hey, don’t knock it.

Black Beauty, he was a dark horse.

I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a bar code the other day, I said ‘Are you two an item?’

I was in the butchers the other day, he said to me ‘I bet you £10.00 you can’t reach those two pieces of meat’. I said, ‘I’m not betting, the steaks are too high’

Thinking about it, you might be better off just YouTubing Tim Vine.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 14:25, 2 replies)

Got a mate
who's got a weird form of dyslexia. He just can't seem to see the letter 'K'.

Saw him the other day and he had two black eyes.

"What the fuck happened to you?" I asked.

"Well, I went to a comedy night straight from work, suited and booted. It said on the flyer it was a Pun Club. It wasn't."
( SpankyHanky, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 14:24, Reply)

I've recently become really interested in circles.
You could say that I'm pi-curious.
( squirrels emit silent screams has updog, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 14:21, 1 reply)

Greeks
Do Paris, Menalaus and Helen make a menage a troy?
(Flobby Boris is returned to /talk from the northern wastes., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 14:13, Reply)

Stop me if you've heard it before, but it's my favourite.
A man walks into a fish restaurant where they have a tank of live fish from which to choose your meal.

A waiter comes over - "Good evening. I am your waiter for this evening. My name is Gervaise - I am pleased to be at your service." and Gervaise guides the man to the tank.

At the bottom is a betentacled creature with a long body, light puce in colour, with a little moustache and big, sorrowful eyes. As the man looks into the tank, the creature looks forlornly at him - as if accepting it's fate - and twitches it's little moustache.

"I'll have that one" says the man, pointing to the creature.

Gervaise goes pale, and stutters a little. "Erm ... OK ..."

He grabs the net, puts it in the water, towards the creature ...

The creature looks up sadly, it's big eyes bulging, and twitches its little moustache.

"No! God no! I can't do it!" cries Gervaise, "I'll go and get Hans the washer-upper to do it."

Out comes Hans, who grabs the net, puts it in the water, towards the creature, which once again looks up sadly, it's big eyes bulging, and twitches its little moustache.

"NO!" cries Hans, "I can't do it either!", proving ...


that ...



Hans that does dishes is soft as Gervaise for the mild green hairy-lipped squid.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 14:11, 8 replies)

Cole's Law
Only saw this pun the other day. My misses was randomly testing my general knowledge, as she likes to do every now and then.

Q1. Do you know Newton's three laws of motion? Indeed I do.

Q2. Have you heard of Murphey's Law? Yes I have

I ask her: "Ah, but have you head of Cole's Law?"

I'm greated with a blank face and the exact line I am waiting for.."What's that?"

"Shredded cabbage and mayonaise..."

It's an awful joke. But I am quite impressed I managed to shoe horn it in.
( Devon Dan without geometry, there would be no point, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 14:07, 1 reply)

painful ones
I used to have a pair of inflatable shoes, but a stood on a nail and popped my clogs.

I walked into a pub eating a wooden mallet, the barman says "do you do that for a living?", to which I replied, "no, I'm just a hammer chewer"

I cut off the bottom of my trousers and took them to the library. I said to the librarian "there's a turn up for the books".

Just rent out a Tim Vine DVD for thousands more...
(plankton, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 14:03, Reply)

obligatory racism
Driving through london the other week
my girlfriend points to a sign at the side of the road and says
'nice to see the chinese community are so welcoming'
the sign reads HARROW
(wallaboing, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 13:44, 2 replies)

*Cries in advance*

venison's dear, isn't it?
(Burt Burt, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 13:40, Reply)

I'm Sorry
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger
(Cow_Tipping_Samurai, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 13:37, Reply)

This QOTW is like my sex life
Many brief encounters that don't last very long and leave me feeling dirty and ashamed...

(Only with less shit, piss and cum).
( SpankyHanky, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 13:33, 7 replies)

Has anyone been inspired...
To click 'I like this' to any posts yet?

I'm pretty sure we've covered all known puns now.

Mullered.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 13:28, 2 replies)

This QOTW makes me feel sick
My husband is a chronic purveyor of punic, a veritable punic cascade. It terrible becuase, well, so are they!

It started every now and then, a trait for sure and a little annoying but just one of those things. Then it became an obsession. EVERYTHING became a pun. Everything doesn't necessarily pun well, but logical backflips would be made to create the most convoluted, non-functional frankenstein's monster of a pun that had to be explained through the five logical leaps that were needed to make it work.

It started to get tot he point where I could no longer tell whether he was actually telling me something, or whether what he'd just said was a tortuous pun that didn't work - whole stories would be told at length, only leading up to an awful pun at the end. The last straw came when he started making puns in bed. Puns, especially bad puns are probably the least sexy thing on earth.

Somehow, over the past year I've managed to wean him off them. I have no idea how, but now there remains only the odd pun now and then, a ghostly reminder of bad humour past.
( Hampster Squared has stuff at www.tilla.co.uk, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 13:26, 1 reply)

Reminds me of something from the Mix Tapes qotw ...
Nibble nibble, hop hop.

For Adolpho, every day was the same. But he was no good with music, so he made a list, coughed gently to gain the attention of a sibling, held out his furry paw, and asked:

Mix a my tape, sis?

This innocent request caused considerable consternation in the rabbit population.

rp mixtapes/119814
(haberman is singing in the changes, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 13:17, Reply)

Announcement....
Been ages since I have posted..however, the guy that invented inflatable shoes has just popped his cloggs!! Coat/Taxi!! Best I leave it another few years before I post again..
(jellylegs, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 13:10, 2 replies)

Everyone knows
A good pun is its own reword.
(warmidea, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 13:09, Reply)

Dig this
I like really bad puns the more obscure the better.

I also spend my spare time as a conservation volunteer, often using a pickaxe and similar implements with my chums. When one of them is looking a bit tired, I usually as if they would like relief from mattocking.

If I have to explain I'll probably cum in my pants.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 13:06, 3 replies)

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
Deep-pan, crisp and even
(davefromkent, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 13:03, Reply)

Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel Peace Prize?
He was simply outstanding in his field
(davefromkent, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 13:01, Reply)

This QOTW started out ok
but now it's just one big joke.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 12:57, 1 reply)

It was a sad day for silly comments
Driving home with the woman choosing what CD was in the car at the time. Didnt mind to much until we pulled into my own street with Boyzone blaring out.

"Turn it down" I said, "I don't want to loose my street cred".

What with being in my own street I continued to almost wee myself at the most witty thing I had said all year.

True story. I Still have a snigger to myself at times about it.
(snarf81, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 12:56, Reply)

Coffee.
Up until about 6 months ago I worked in the property department of a well known chain of Coffee shops (I wont name them but anyone who has ready Moby Dick or seen Battlestar Galactica will have a good idea). I worked out of the London office finding new locations for stores either on the high street or in shopping centres and it was amazing how many landlords would do a good deal just for a couple of free coffees every week.

Given the company's expansion plans I was driving around the country every day looking at sites and visiting existing stores to sort out any of their issues. As I was constantly in and out of the shops and driving miles I was always drinking our coffee to keep me going. This meant that when I got home each night I was having trouble sleeping due to the sheer amount of caffeine consumed.

At the time I was living in a small 1 bedroom flat in Ealing and found a local gym that was open all night to work off my energy. It was fairly quiet and helped me sleep. One night I got chatting to one of the other regulars a chap from the Philippines who appropriately was nicknamed Phil (an English version of his name). He had come over to the UK on a container ship (as crew not stowed away) and was currently working at a hand car wash near the Chiswick Flyover to earn some additional money before heading back there. We chatted a number of times and became good friends.

About 6 months ago the recession meant that the department was looking to reduce the number of staff and were asking for voluntary redundancies. I did consider it but didn’t know what I was going to do with myself and mentioned this to Phil. At the time he was about to go back on the ships and invited me to go with him. Using this as an opportunity to go travelling I took the redundancy with the plans of touring the Far East for 12 months until the economy improved.

The boat we signed up on was the Yasa Neslihan on route from Canada to China carrying iron ore. Other than Phil and me the rest were Turks but most spoke English in some form and soon my Turkish was not bad. By the time we headed through the Suez Canal I was getting bored. However this changed as we headed through the Gulf of Aden. One night at the end of October I was asleep on my bunk but awoken by the sound of gunfire. We had been boarded and captured by the infamous Somalian pirates. We were all rounded up and kept on the bridge. They all seemed rather friendly and once we realised that there was no Bruce Willis type hiding in the ducting of the boat it became easier to co-operate than resist. We were relatively well feed and could even see some ships following us but they did nothing. Once the Somalians had radioed to shore it became a waiting game until the owners paid the ransom.

Given that none of our captors spoke Turkish I ended up having to do a translating job as we were navigated back to Somalian waters. I got friendly with the Pirate captain, who disappointingly didn’t have a parrot eyepatch or similar. And we ended up discussing business, he had previously been a small time business man in Mogadishu ironically running a café so we had a common topic to discuss. Then one drunken evening as people do we discussed what we would do in the future, definitely a case of Stockholm syndrome setting in. And we even came up with a plan to combine my skills in selling coffee and his in Piracy. We planned to board ships and force them to buy drinks from us at exorbitant mark ups. We just needed a name for the company.

“Starbucaneers” I suggested.
(lordofallhesurveys How appropriate you fight like a cow, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 12:56, Reply)

a PUNderful bit of information
Joke: a humorous anecdote or remark intended to provoke laughter;

Pun: a humorous play on words; "I do it for the pun of it"; "his constant punning irritated her"
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 12:53, 2 replies)