So,
Onan walks into a bar.

"I know you..." ponders the barman, before he realises:

"Aha! You're that wanker out of the Bible!"
(judeski walked on water and ran through fire, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 2:56, Reply)

My manager
a fellow b3tan himself is often heard to quip whenever a terrible pun is said in the office...

"ahh, a pun is it's own reword."
( HatBeard, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 2:36, Reply)

Star Trek
After years of service in the engine room, the dylithium crystals began to take their toll on Scotty. The constant bombardment of radiation had made him go bald. Kirk wasn't impressed.

"Mr. Scott.", said Kirk, "I run. An hirsute ship. You. Must. Do something about. Your naked bonce. The. Crew. Are getting. Distressed. Come. With me to. The toupe level."

And so they went off to gather a selection of finest rugs. Back in the engine room, Scotty proceeded to try them on.

Each and every one didn't work. As soon as they were exposed to the radiation from the crystals, the static would make the hairpieces become charged with electricity, resulting in Scotty looking like he'd suffered a major shock.

Kirk was exasperated. He tried flattening the toupes with water; plastered them with gel, mousse and wax; even took the straighteners to them. But to no avail. Every time, the rugs ended up charged with electricity, and became frizzy and unkempt.

"Scotty. You must. Do. Something about your hair. You are putting. The crew. Off. Their duties".

"It's nae good cap'n", Scotty wailed, "ye cannae change the laws o' frizz wigs".
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sat 7 Mar 2009, 1:26, 6 replies)

my friend the archaeologist
used to be outstanding in his field
now his career lies in ruins

*gets coat*
(wallaboing, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 1:21, Reply)

Bad?
Where are the vineyards of Russia?

In the arboureal regions.

...nah, worse than bad.
( Sextant goes to him is emotionally erect, on this day, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 1:08, Reply)

I'm incorrigible.
So don't incorrige me.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 0:32, Reply)

Sea food diet...
A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.
"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"

A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.

Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"

The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.

That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"
(treaclebriggs, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 0:11, Reply)

There was a lorry packed with tortoises
Going down the M1. The truck crashed, spilling its contents.

It was a turtle disaster.

Again, best read in a Geordie accent
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sat 7 Mar 2009, 0:07, Reply)

What's brown and sticky?
A poocumber!

*edit* Thinking about it, not really a pun. Still, wanted to share with you all...
(Manbearpig is wearing a rabbitskin jacket and bunny ears, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 0:07, 4 replies)

If it has already been done - sorry.
I used to be uncertain.

But now I'm not so sure...


Thank you - I'll be here until thursday!
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 23:34, Reply)

What's got four legs and goes "WOOF"
Your mum.







yes, I know it's a far cry from a pun, but if noone else is going to bother, why should I ?
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 23:25, Reply)

A man entered a pun competition
He entered ten puns in the hope that at least one of them would be worthy of the title. Unfortunately, none of them were very good so he didn't win.
(sniffle is full of shit, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 23:21, 2 replies)

Fish and Herbs redux
I'm sure Ogwen does this on porpoise, he's always skate ing on thin ice with these cod awful jokes. the only sage advice i can offer is to fennel all that energy into something more productive and come up with some oregano ideas

and as i just tried to make a pun on original with oregano i shall stop there and go fetch my coat
( Rhubarb_Triangle, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 23:18, 1 reply)

There's a new type of viagra that you put in your eyes
it makes you look hard
( VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 23:18, Reply)

I would make lots of puns about herbs and fish
But now is neither the thyme nor the plaice.
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 23:04, 6 replies)

me and my German four-legged friend
went to Turkey.

Istanbul?

Nein, ist eine donkey.
( nightbuffalo needs more duct tape, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 23:03, Reply)

My mate was in a Middle Eastern prison
for a short spell. To amuse himself, he'd tell jokes and stories and make up puns. Of course he'd have to scribble them down; the guards would reward speech with a rifle butt to the head.

His cellmates contributed a few too, and some of the tales were pure gold. Eventually the guards started copying the prisoners but they were shite; making up some truly godawful abstract puns.

Which just goes to show that you can't get a decent pun without some con-text!




Yeah I know, rubbish. But it's closer to a pun than most of the efforts so far. So nyah!
(blueberrypossum wants to Jaffa your Cake, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 22:04, 1 reply)

slightly off topic but
i can never say the word purpose but instead have to say porpoise , as in ' I do it on porpoise ' and if I hear the word ' transformer ' i have to say ' robots in disguise '
pop
( fudboy high ideals and crazy dreams, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 21:58, 5 replies)

I just bought some lovely new forks
Good tines.
(kingnutter, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 21:55, Reply)

Our maths teacher
was teaching us inequalities when we were 15-16 ish.

he wrote on the blackboard something like "5 < x < 10" and said he liked to refer to it as an "x sandwich", which only he found amusing enough to laugh at.

Apologies for half a post - b3ta doesn't like inequality signs in posts
( thistle, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 21:20, 1 reply)

Red Demigod sticks his oar in
Not long after Pink Goddess came into my life, when we still had my pit and her flat, we'd spend weekends at the house. Pink Goddess is a bit of a domestic goddess, and likes everything clean and tidy. I... wasn't so domesticated at that time.

So, most weekends, she'd have to clean something. It was the turn of the toilet, which she'd scrubbed, polished, waxed and buffed to the point where you could probably eat off it. After a demanding week's work, she was rather tired, and scrubbing bogs isn't the most relaxing activity.

Sunday night, we were just dropping Red Demigod with his mother before heading back to Pink Goddess' flat for the week. She pointed out that she didn't think it was fair that she had to clean the house, and was complaining somewhat. She made her point forcefully (but beautifully) and ended up demanding "How do you think I feel after cleaning your toilet all day?"

"Pooped", Red Demigod answered.

How we laughed.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 21:09, Reply)

Zoo.
I went to this zoo the other day.

It was rubbish - they only had one animal and that was a dog.

Yes

It was a shih-tzu.
(karnuvap, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 21:01, Reply)

I did this, really!
Many years ago, in the time of my life I think of as "before Pink Goddess made me happy", I lived in Oxford. I had a great friend at work, who was known to all as "Mad Mouth", because his mouth was mad. He and I were both addicted to puns, and enjoyed the finest puns as often as we could.

He and I used to drink together at every opportunity. However, he and I had girlfriends, and so we ended up drinking at ours Friday one week and theirs the next Friday. One evening at ours, Mad Mouth's girlfriend Jo was looking at an unusual teddy bear we had in our house. My then girlfriend (ECW) had made it. Jo said she wished she could do something like that.

ECW said that she'd get her a kit from the craft shop she worked in, so she could practice the technique. This was agreed.

The next day, I said that I wanted to choose the kit. ECW said OK, and so I took her to work, and selected one. She paid for it on her staff discount and brought it home. Monday came around, and I took the kit in to work and handed it over.

Friday rolled around, and off we went to theirs. When we arrived, Jo held up her handiwork. We duly admired it.

Mad Mouth said "It's a mouse, isn't it?"

"No," answered Jo, "it's a guinea pig!"

A beam of sunshine outlined me, as somewhere above, the angels sang. "That," I said, proud that I'd managed to make this work, "that is why I chose that one for you to practice on!"

It took a week, but I managed to make sure that she practiced on a guinea pig.

Mad Mouth agreed that I'd won that one.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 20:57, Reply)

old beer joke
Q. What do you call a Woman that breaks wind in your beer?
A. Fartima Whitbread.
(Mackeson_drinker, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 20:56, 3 replies)

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from.
Then it dawned on me.

I recently starred in a theatre production about puns in the English Language.

It was a play on words...
(jamesthegill opens new tabs with his scroll wheel, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 20:39, Reply)

- I burned a piece of gardening equipment in... now where was it...?
- Holburn?
- No! Barrow-in-Furness!
( giant_squid, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 20:34, Reply)

Length? Who cares.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."


A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ........
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally, there was the b3tan who sent ten different puns to her friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh.

No pun in ten did.
(Shadowfaxthehoss, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 20:26, 3 replies)

what's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care...
(downhill without brakes . It was the worst day of my life, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 20:23, 2 replies)

double entendre
A man walked into a bar and asked the barmaid for Double Entendre....so she gave him one
(Jessypuss Fiddling with stuff since 1957, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 20:15, Reply)

Good timing!
As I can't think of any myself. I seem to be humor-challenged. However, this just arrived in my email:

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults. Practice safe sects!
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 20:02, 2 replies)