Oh yeah? That's not what YOUR MUM says.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 16:00, 1 reply)

Angry Midgets
An overbearing midget sales person I share an office with was gobbing off about an 'angry small person who kept squaring up to him all night'. He added he felt like he could have had him. Once he stopped I stated 'Mr salesman, that was a mirror'.

The md shook my hand once he'd finished laughing.
(skgorsky, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 15:47, 1 reply)

Pantomime Hecklers
I went to a matinee of Cinderella with my family last year. All the cast were very professional apart from one, the father character, who had obviously started drinking up the good cheer early.

Came the inevitable scene with the creepy monster chasing off the person at the back of the line. The first person to be chased off was the father.

BUTTONS: Oh no! Kids, where did he go?
EVERY ADULT IN THE AUDIENCE: Pub!
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 15:45, Reply)

Loser
A girl in the office is having a bit of a run of bad luck at the moment. In the past fornight, she has lost her purse twice, and her keys. She has also had a messy break up with her long term boyfriend, and had to move house.

All of which gave me the perfect opportunity to answer a third party's question of how (Ex Boyfriend) "Dan" is with

"She wouldn't fucking know - she lost him, just like her keys"
(cinquante_neuf vintage bintage circa, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 15:38, Reply)

Another quick one
At a Liverpool guitar seminar some years ago, overrated Swedish show-off Ingwie Malmsteen had just finished a demonstration of his tedious fretwanking for the gathered enthusiasts.

"Ok, does anyone have any questions?"

"Yeah, why are you so fat?" came a voice from the back.
(Haywood Manley, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 15:21, 5 replies)

I used to live near an obnoxious fat chav beast
She was like a blimp with knock off Adidas stripes painted down it's side. And instead of being filled with helium, was filled with deep fried grease and possibly the neighbours cat, although we could never prove that the hairs sticking out from her teeth and wrapping themselves round the permanent Lambert & Butlers butt were indeed those of Fluffy.

She waddled up and down her drive watching over her sprogs and yelling words of encouragement such as "faaahhks sake Diamanda don't waste mah eyeliner draahwing shit on mah drivewhay". Now I'm not saying she was an easy shag or anything, but we did often have a pot running about what colour her next child would be. Holding a Dulux colour chat against the latest one may have been taking it too far though.

So one fine morning I am skipping down my drive to collect my now empty wheelie bin and return it to it's little cubbyhole round the back, when I notice in the excitment of removing the refuse from our bins the binrefusewasteremovalmenpeople had left a few bins clumped together at the end of the cul-de-sac. And beasty was huffing and puffing back to her lair with my bin! Now, I'm not a bin snob. But our wheelie bins had barcodes on with the delightful promise that at some point the council may start charging extra if your bin was too heavy. And I'd seen her bin, straining at the pressure of the fetid mush within. I often think it got together with her underwear in a support group at weekends.

"Excuse me," I piped up with a cheery wave "You appear to have mistakenly taken my bin!"

It glared at me.
It snorted at me.
It slowly removed the Lambert.
"It's only a bin innit, don't matter 'oos I take"

Now I realise this is true to a point. But still. That's my bin. I want my bin. My bin hasn't been terribly violated with anything that has touched her. Or been in her.

"I'd prefer to take my bin." Says I.

I can hear the sprogs screaming. She is getting impatient. She tries to barge past me. I block her way.

"If yaah not careful I'll faaahkin throw you in the faahkin bin." She screaches at me.

I look her straight in the eye. And said
"Well, at least I'd fit."
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 15:14, 15 replies)

Applying for a job that's out of my league.
So I went for a job a while back at a large public service broadcasting organisation. Yes that one.

My best mate Dev was helping me sort out my CV and get through the first round, but unfortunately we were quite pissed when we filled in the final application form.

When it came to the interview day, I arrived to find an HR person who looked slightly surprised at me. Immediate paranoia I'd spilled stuff over my suit or something, but nothing I could put my finger on. All through the day she was acting really oddly, and making remarks about my 'condition'.

Gradually dawned on me that when we'd filled out the 'equal opportunities' form, I had a dim memory of my dear pal Mr Allan's bright idea.

Yes, I remembered Dev A stating "put Downs"...

Yeah yeah whatever, length, apologies, UNEXPECTED BEAR.
( prince-igor si tacuisses, philosophus mansisses, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 15:14, Reply)

First Love and first dumping.
My first proper girlfriend wan't the best looking girl. In fact, she wasn't good looking at all. She looked like Linda from "gimme gimme gimme".

I was about 15 and not that good looking myself so I guess we were made for each other really. When it came round to dumping her, I tried to be as tactful as possible, and let her down gently.* Her answer to thiss was to say "if you dump me, I'm going to tell your mum we had sex".

Sure enough, I was walking through the town with my mum and she sauntered over. She approached my mum and said. "I think you should know, me and your son had sex and he hurt my feelings!"

My mum, full of tact herself, gave me a slap around the head and starting shouting "You had sex with THAT?! What the fuck were you thinking? Look at it!"

I love my mum, but I still wont introduce her to a girl that wont meet HER standards!


^{*Total Lie, I just stopped calling and texting**
**Another Lie, this was before mobiles, we were into CB's and ignore all 19's for a copy from "Foxy lady"}
(sunray18, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 15:06, 6 replies)

In a Dublin pub
a mate of mine witnessed some moronic English meat head being loud, drunk and highly un-amusing while the rest of the punters tried their best to ignore him and enjoy their pints. At one point he asked an elderly bloke who'd been sitting quietly at the bar if he could tell him where the toilets were.

"What you do," he said, "Is walk around the other side of the bar. There you'll see two doors - one of them has a sign on it saying Gentlemen."

He continued, "Take no notice of that, you can go straight on in."
(Haywood Manley, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 14:53, 1 reply)

It's probably an oldie
Probably something old that I had just never heard before, but I was once witness a conversation between two mates that went thus:

Mate 1: You are such a muppet.
Mate 2: No, you are a muppet.
Mate 1: If I wanted my own comeback, I would have wiped it off your Mom's chin.
(oeb, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 14:52, Reply)

Stayed with my brother and his wife one summer
He was giving me grief one day, so I waited until later on that night when he was getting jiggy with his missus.

I thumped loudly on their bedroom door - "Chris! Chris!.....PUT SOME FUCKING EFFORT INTO IT!".

That put him off for over a week.
(Kushan just wants to fit in..to your mum, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 14:51, Reply)

watching the girls go by
Mrs cuntybollocks is quite a tame lady, mild mannered but comes out with some right corkres now and again. The other week she was seeing some old school friends and one of them brought along his new Australian girlfriend. Now to be fair, this chap is no oil painting but his Mrs was stunning. Completely innocent and dead pan my Mrs says loudly upon seeing her “you’re very lucky to have her” The whole pub nearly died laughing. It was even funnier watching my Mrs try and explain her way out of it. They both saw the funny side…..eventually.
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 14:49, Reply)

Where's the fire?
A traffic warden pounced on my mate's car as he popped into a house for a minute or two. When he emerged to find the warden writing a ticket, he naturally objected because he'd only been a short while.

"That's not the point, is it sir? What if there had been a fire? The fire engine wouldn't be able to get past, and lives could be put at risk."

"Well," replied my mate, "I'm a fireman, and you're a sanctimonious little Hitler, because we wouldn't come this bloody way."
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 14:48, 7 replies)

My mate was talking in the pub.
He said "I'm shit hot at football".
I replied with "You're half right"
( DumbMonkey The penis mightier than the sword, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 14:33, 4 replies)

Dennis Skinner at his best
Since we have moved into anecdotage, the Gough Whitlam story reminded me of this:

"Roy Jenkins, David Marquand's political mentor, announced he was leaving Parliament to become president of the European Commission in 1977. So politically close were they that Marquand too resigned his seat in order to follow Jenkins to Brussels as his chief advisor.

Jenkins, who famously had difficulty pronouncing the letter R, made an emotional farewell speech to fellow Labour MPs, concluding: "I leave this parliamentary party without rancour." Skinner interjected: "I thought you were taking Marquand with you".
(Jack of Diamonds, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 14:19, Reply)

My ex boss, 'D', ...
came out with a corker that I've remembered for years.
One day, we were talking in his office when another department manager barged in and started hassling him about some problem or other. D lets him finish ranting then spends a moment or two stroking his beard, a look of stern concentration on his face. Eventually he speaks,
"Well J; officially, I can't help you; but unofficially - fuck off."
(minimalist ..., Fri 25 Nov 2011, 14:18, Reply)

My posh mate Charlie was walking with his sister in South London
A group of lads cauhgt sight of these two middle-class folk and one of them shouted out:

"Hey look! Its Prince William!"

This was immediately followed by a more waggish member of their group shouting:

"It can't be, he's with a fat bird"
( WormuIus, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 14:13, Reply)

Fast climber...
Me, many years ago, young and fresh faced was in a meeting which had been called to back slap a go-getter, fast climber up the corporate ladder. Also in attendance was a typical grumpy old techie, close to retirement, fed up with the company, but a nice bloke to work with.

A 2nd line manager in this meeting asked how golden boy would advise people best spend their time if they wanted to replicate his rapid success. It was at this point that the old techie stopped contemplating his fingers lifted his head and sighed:

"On their knees I expect."
(repooc, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 14:11, Reply)

I was a Dalek...
A former boss was taken to telling tall tales of his exploits.

At an Xmas do round the local Italian, a friend was telling us how he was loosely related to Peter Davidson (a former Dr Who), when up pipes the boss and starts telling us how he was a close personal friend of several of the Drs and how he had once been asked if he wouldn't mind playing a Dalek as they were a man short, cue me in a crappy Dalek voice saying "Exaggerate! Exaggerate!"
( z0mb13e has a bee in his botnet, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 14:03, 3 replies)

Went and Seen Jimmy Carr's standup
And the Audience was probably better than he was.

He was doing that thing all comedians seem to do where they ask you to set up a story "Give me a name!" he'd say, "John" or whatever someone would shout. "Give me a location!" and so on.

Then he asked "Now Give me a superpower" and someone immediately shouted out "China!". That fucked him up pretty good.
(Kushan just wants to fit in..to your mum, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 14:02, Reply)

Gough Whitlam ( former PM of Australia)
When Sir Winton Turnbull [who represented a large rural seat] was raving and ranting on the adjournment and shouted: "I am a Country member". Gough interjected "I remember". Turnbull could not understand why, for the first time in all the years he had been speaking in the House, there was instant and loud applause from both sides.
(Funkwomble XBL and PSN DangerBoy73, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 13:47, 4 replies)

My mate Winston
Got given a really bad insurance quote from Churchill. So you called them a bunch of ugly cunts and put the phone down. Something like that anyway.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 13:28, Reply)

You have to hear this
Because right one time at uni right there was a chap who did something and I just came right out with this putdown and it was soooo funny but you had to be there right.
(egg1, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 13:22, 1 reply)

In the car with my (then) girlfriend...
...and we hit some ice.

A few seconds of flailing wildly at the wheel ensued; thankfully I managed to regain control without hitting anything.

While this was happening, she asked:

"What are you doing?"

"Skidding!" was my reply through gritted teeth. To which she replied sharply...

"Well don't!"

That put me right in my place, I can tell you O_o
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 13:20, 3 replies)

Winston Churchill had his dog put down because it was drunk and ugly
but not until he'd fucked it with a biscuit's wife after asking it when the comedian was coming on.

I'm not sure where I heard that.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 13:18, 4 replies)

Ruined meal
Time for a suitable pea....

Went out for a "quiet" meal with my wife one evening to a little restaurant. It was royally spoiled by some loud monied twunt, who basically thought everyone wanted to hear what he was saying. Every other word he shouted was some form of expletive, and every other sentence was about how wonderful he was.

By the end of the main course I was well hacked off with him and I went to the bar (which was right next to his table) to order another drink. He chose this moment to exclaim loudly that he ran a company that employed 500 people.

I turned to him and said fairly loudly myself "Really, and I bet they all think you're a twat like everyone in here does".

I got a round of applause and he shut up after that.
(repooc, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 13:18, Reply)

Playmate...
When I was at school the deputy headmaster was quite short, and quite sensitive about it. Once he was addressing a group of us older pupils and was talking about his baby son, what he said went something like this:

"As I looked down on him, I thought to myself, I wonder what he's thinking as he looks at me?"

My mouth got ahead of my brain and I said:

"Oh look a little playmate?"
(repooc, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 13:06, Reply)

She loves you yeah, yeah, yeah
Mate, to his girlfriend: "Remember last Tuesday, when I woke you up by making love to you?"

Girlfriend: "...I don't think you woke me up, actually."
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 12:52, 3 replies)

If it moves and it shouldn't.
use Gaffa tape.

If it doesn't move and it should, use WD40.

Winston Churchill told me that one.
(username failed moderation, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 12:47, 4 replies)

That thing with Winston Churchill
when he accused Hitler of being drunk and ugly or some shit
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 12:43, 1 reply)