Dodgy neighbours!
Everyone's had them. And if not, then you will.
( KersaI Missive Free Michael Shields! with Monday's Liverpool Echo, Thu 7 Sep 2006, 3:16, Reply)

Inappropriate crushes / unrequited love
Have we done this? Dunno.

Me, it was my dentist. She had this enormous pair of ....

ANYWAY!

The Sigmund Freud in me wants to find out how many people 'fess up to fancying their mum.

As an entirely scientific experiment, naturally.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Tue 5 Sep 2006, 19:48, Reply)

insects
and your worst/most humourous encounters thereof.

For example, when I was about 7, I was out in the garden when a bee started hovering under my nose. It got really close and was tickling, and I sneezed - at the opportune moment. The little fucker was hit by a high-speed snotball and died. Served it right. Bastard.
(asdfasdfasdf, Tue 5 Sep 2006, 16:40, Reply)

Life changing experiments
like those books by dave gorman or danny wallace, doing a strange "stunt" for a period of time/ forever in an attempt to make your life better or more wholesome (see "yes man" by danny wallace for example)
(Just Harry What should I put here?, Sun 3 Sep 2006, 18:40, Reply)

Hiding places
Massive scope, and there'd be a fair old bit of hilarity involved.
(SurferRosa causing the lamentation of the womenfolk since, Sat 2 Sep 2006, 19:09, Reply)

When the teachers away.....
Everyone knows that as soon as the teacher leaves a room the most horrific events take place.

Whilst teaching in Thailand one day I arrived late to a lesson and discovered all the boys were missing. Adding to the confusion everytime I asked "where are boys" in my best pigeon thai the girls simply pointed out the windows.

On closer inspection I discovered the boys had run away into the paddy fields (think half a foot of thick shoe stealing mud and half a foot of water). I then had to roll up my trousers and chase 20screaming muddy boys out of said field.

After finally getting everyone back to school and washed everyones very muddy feet the class finally settled. Seconds later there was screaming from all of the girls who ran as fast as they could of the class room. Turns out the boys had unleased a tide of frogs of biblical proportions (collected from the paddy fields).

Eventually I found some brooms and set about clearing the class room of frogs, by the time the room was frog free and everyone sat down the bell went and they ran off giggling back into the fields as school was over.

This is my story but Im sure you will have many from both the teacher and pupil sides of the conflict.
(serial lurker, Sat 2 Sep 2006, 14:43, Reply)

Theme Park Stories
Whilst backpacking in California, I got very drunk before a trip to Disneyland. I then went on It's A Small World (read: puppets,singalong, kiddie ride). I learnt all the words, and then re-rode it for the rest of the day, singing aloung loudly in a sharp, slurred London accent. My mates were pissed off, and I think I made a little girl cry.

What are your theme park stories?
(Unemployable : Still Unemployed, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 13:48, Reply)

biggest lie you've ever told
worst trouble you've ever been in

etc etc
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 17:37, Reply)

best halloween costumes.
'nuff said.
( Killerkitti Like my coffee black, just like my metal, Thu 31 Aug 2006, 0:30, Reply)

Festival Stories
After just getting back from the Leeds Festival last weekend all sunburnt and soaked, I am wondering if anyone has any good festival stories...
(Unemployable : Still Unemployed, Wed 30 Aug 2006, 19:31, Reply)

Regrets? I've had a few...
Je regrette rien. However, I do regret calling my gran a cunt. What do you regret?
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Wed 30 Aug 2006, 17:54, Reply)

How about c**rs you have worked for?
These twats fit the bill:
www.btinternet.com/~dr_paul_lee/autonomy.htm
(Wrecked Tums, Tue 29 Aug 2006, 23:01, Reply)

Bad NHS Experiences
I'm sure many of you b3tans out there have had a bad experience made even worse by the overloaded NHS. This is my personal story.
In april this year, in Aberdeen, on camp with the school Cadet force. Anyhoo, long story short, I cut my knee right to the bone on a glass bottle. Upon arriving at hospital, I had to wait 45 minutes to be seen by the nurse, who changed the dressings on my cut. Taken through to a hospital room, sat facing the (open) door. Bear in mind that I was wearing combat gear AND camoflauge paint, so pretty embarrassing when the nurses went by. Anyway, I had to wait there for 2 hours, and started bleeding like a pig when I stood up to go for a piss. Finally, I was taken for an X-ray, after
which I had to wait for another 45 minutes to get put in a room. Here's how it went : Wait 1 hour - get tetanus shot(dunno why!) - wait 1 hour - get wound examined - wait 2 FUCKING HOURS!!!! for the doctor to stitch it up, during which the anaesthetic wore off, which hurt!. Then I waited 30 minutes to get splinted
and left. Also, it took an hour to get back to camp, as the driver got lost. Total waiting time = 7 hours !!!!!!
Whats your story ?




No apologies for length.
You know you love it.
(1st post btw)
(Igor, The Evil Spacemonkey is behind you!, Tue 29 Aug 2006, 17:40, Reply)

Kibbutz Stories
I'm sure there must be plenty of you out there who've spent some time on a kibbutz. Got any funnies to tell?
I spent nearly 2 years on a kibbutz in the mid 1980's and have many, many stories. (I'm sure most of this sites expensively educated readers will know what a kibbutz is, but if you don't then look it up, I can't be arsed to explain). Some funny, some sad, a few downright pornographic, the majority complete bollocks (true bollocks, but bollocks none the less).
Anyhoo...Friday night is Bomb-shelter night (said Bomb-shelter having been converted into a bar for the volunteers). It's about 1.30am and myself and 2 pals from parts foreign, let's call them Lars and Pedro, are wending a weary and weaving path back to our rooms past the cow sheds. Lars, who works with the cows, starts explaining about recently born calves and how they are looked after and why......blah, blah, blah...."and so we feed them from a bottle until they're old enough to eat solids. The little critters will suck on anything put infront of them."
On hearing this, Pedro's ears prick up, "Anything?"
"Yup".
With this he alters direction, staggering off to the calves enclosure while undoing his trousers. "This should be amusing" I thought to myself. And guess what? I was right, but not for the reasons I initially thought.
Pedro stands by the railings, cock out and trying to raise a stiffy while making mooing noises to attract a calf to him. Now, cows are naturally nosey bastards and it wasn't long before one (quite a cute one actually) came over to investigate. Now, Pedro's pissed, but he's not totally stupid. First he offers, let's call her Daisy, his finger and she immediately starts sucking on it. "Oh wow" exclaims Pedro, "That's great". With that he retrieves his finger, slides through the railings into the enclosure and drops his trousers fully. He proffers Daisy his semi-on and she proceeds to start noshing him off. Well, Pedro thinks he's died and gone to Heaven. He's gasping and moaning with pleasure, his bare arse starts twitching in the moonlight and we're thinking it can't last much longer.
And it didn't. Daisy stopped sucking abruptly and then head-butted Pedro hard and fast in the knackers. He screamed, collapsed and rolled around a bit. Me and Lars collapsed in fits of laughter and rolled around a bit until we could catch our breath. Then laughed a bit more. Daisy, unamused at not getting what she thought she was going to get, sauntered off without so much as a backwards glance.
The moral of the story: Don't try and get a calf to suck you off. You see, they have the nasty habbit of head-butting their mother's udders in order to increase the flow of milk. She can take it. A bloke's scrote can't.
Pedro walked weirdly for a couple of days.
(behold the golden sausage has never been bi-curious., Tue 29 Aug 2006, 15:09, Reply)

Things you never thought you'd say/hear.
"Now you march right over to Dawn French and apologise". I was about 14 and she was the 'star' at a local fair. Can't remember what i said or did though.
(lovelysimon I am the lovliest Simon, Mon 28 Aug 2006, 17:35, Reply)

First Loves
I fell in love for the first time last year and it when down brilliantly long walks through fields, candle lit meals (true there was no electricity at the time but it was still romantic enough), and passionate sex... basically the works

then after about 6 months we both changed (on the inside) and moved on... i found the internet and a few good friends... she got a hunky new toy boy and they are living happily...

shame...she was a nice dog...
(My name was taken by me Is Sleeping With Your Sister/ Daughter/ Mother On, Sun 27 Aug 2006, 23:30, Reply)

Dump stories
I frequently help my dad out at the dump as he (after much persuasion) throws out completely pointless shite that he's been hanging onto for years. The strange thing is that half the time someone there goes "You're not throwing that out, are you?" and buys the worthless piece of crap off us for a whole lot of money. We recently sold an old car battery (the acid in which had destroyed several umbrellas in his boot) for €50. Lord knows why. I find the dump to be a bizarre place and have had the shite scared out of me there on several occasions
(Stephington I used to be nostalgic...back in the good old days, Sun 27 Aug 2006, 17:49, Reply)

DIY surgery
I once had a wart on my hand. I went to the doc to get it frozen which hurt... lots. Instead of having to go back for more treatments I got my trusty rambo knife and lobbed the fucker out. 3 years later, and not even a scar!

Majoringram
(blipblop, Sun 27 Aug 2006, 0:00, Reply)

It's a small world
Once, me and my mates were on a train to Staines in anticipation of a rather jolly jamboree at Thorpe Park. We were in a first class compartment, along with a rather smart looking man along with leather briefcase.

Anyway, we started the usual inane chatter that 15 year old guys talk about, and I spotted a Tiny Computers brochure on the seat next to me. Being a rather opinionated young man, I started to go off on a rather large one about how Tiny Computers should bugger off and refund every one of their customers on account of their PC's being shite; as I stupidly currently owned a troublesome Tiny PC, which crashed every few hours. (I used slightly more colourful language, but we won't go into that)

But getting to the point, after about 5 minutes of Tiny slagging, the smart man piped up and said with a slight smirk on his face: "I actually used to be a managing director of Tiny, but I resigned thanks to moaning customers like you."

Cue a look of shock on my face, and a rather awkward silence for the rest of the journey.

Do you have any stories of amazing coincidences that prove that it really is a small world?
(Dazzorifik is bored of b3ta, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 21:30, Reply)

rented accomodation
has this been done?

we've all lived in some dodgy accomodation at some point. landlords/flatmates/kips falling apart.

one of my worst was when myself and two mates moved into a 'three' bedroom house. we're sitting downstairs having our first cup of tea in our new gaff when a strange and slightly smelling bloke walks in the door. the front doors at the other end of the kitchen so somehow he's sneaked. except he hadn't he'd been there all the time. he lived in the 4th room of the house that the landlord had described to us as 'locked for storage'when we were looking round. so we had to live with this freak for a year. and he was a proper dangerous mentalist...

oops- just seen the one below. flatmates/rented accomodation topic then
(e p f, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 17:30, Reply)

I had a flatmate who
was a complete fucking pshyco. She stole money from me once and systematically over the course of 3 weeks moved all of the dirty plates/glasses/pots/pans etc in to the garden because she was a nut.

She was 38 (the rest of us are mid 20's). She ended up getting in to a wierd scene at a fetish club and getting smacked out all weekend on date rape drugs and selling sex to the randy old fellas at the this club. After a while she started bringing these losers home and generally causing agro.

In the end we gave her 4 weeks to move out but I kicked her out after 3 days because she told my landlord I was growing weed and tried to get her spaz BF to beat me up.

I wasn't, and he didn't BTW.

What's your "cnut flatmate story".

First post. Big cock.
(aroe_m0rre, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 17:08, Reply)

Train station encounters
A few years ago I had the missfortune to have to travel by train everyday to get to work.

This put me in the unenviable postion of being in close proximity to 'station spods' ie people who will talk, shout, hit, spit at and generally be anti-social towards you whilst you mind your own business and wait for the train.

The worst incident was trying to get away from a dirty old man who was trying to get a feel of my plums, much to the amusement of everyone else on the platform.

What kind of 'station spods' have you had to deal with in the past?
(cherry B, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 11:12, Reply)

Stupid Americans encounters.
I'm American and love reading about negative encounters with my fellow Americans. Even though some of us know that London is not a country and Stonehenge was not built close to a road and know how to pronounce Leicester Square.
(barrycounty, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 13:35, Reply)

Curtain Calls
Last night I got a phone call from my ex- wife to say an old friend of ours had shuffled off this mortal coil.

He died doing what he loved best: He had just finished singing Rockin' the Boat and walked into the wings only to collapse from a heart attack.

Share your stories of people going out in style ...
(Dionysian Aut viam inveniam aut faciam, Thu 17 Aug 2006, 12:37, Reply)

Real Life videos
About 8 years ago I was walking to work one frosty morning with my walkman on, playing REM. Well it WAS 8 years ago.

As I was walking along a cycle/pedestrian path that led past a primary school, a little toddler slipped and fell on the path and immediately started bawling its little eyes out. Mum bent down and picked him up...and all the while, REM were singing "Everybody huuuurts, sommmmmme tiiiime".

It was as if the toddler was acting out the song just for me. Has this happened to anyone else?

Che
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 17 Aug 2006, 10:15, Reply)

Journeys from Hell
My 2 year old had a severe attack of vomiting in the back of my car. 6 times between Swindon and Reading. On a freezing cold, pitch black night. Scooping sick out of my door pockets is not my idea of fun, only to have them refilled 10 minutes later

What have been your journeys to or from hell

Extra points if you went on a train to Auschwitz.
( Roland E O'Dorant R Tape loading error, 0:1, Wed 16 Aug 2006, 23:12, Reply)

Musical Philosophies
Song lyrics have a profound effect on the human psyche. They can make us laugh, cry or move us to the point of enlightenment from whatever crisis we may be having at the time.
Recently I heard a line which inspired me to finally settle down and to start cooking again like I had 3years ago before becoming fed up with managers being cnuts.
What lyrics have you heard that have inspired you to adopt them as a philosophy?
( Spider Fucking Riviera got stiches for a knife wound for the first time, Wed 16 Aug 2006, 16:00, Reply)

Family names for things
My daughter recently asked her boyfriend to:
"Pass the green scritchy"
Funnily enough he had no idea what she was talking about. She thought that because we always called the flat rectangular green scouring pads 'green scritchies', that everyone else did too.

What have you always thought was accepted usage only to be embarrassed about later when you realise the truth?
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Wed 16 Aug 2006, 12:01, Reply)

alcohlics
im partial to the odd absenthe or three but we all know some raving father jack type carricter. i therfore want to hear yout accounts of genuine alcholics
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Tue 15 Aug 2006, 20:02, Reply)

Public exams!
It's results day on Thursday - the day the new QOTW comes out. A good opportunity for exam-room games/disasters or results day over-reactions, or in fact anything to do with the bane of modern youth that is public exams.
(Mr_Jums, Tue 15 Aug 2006, 12:57, Reply)