Things you've gotten away with.
Short of murder of course. Best kept to yourself.

I once stole a car, I was drunk, had no way home, didn't want to walk.

The keys were left in it (I'm no master car thief). Parked it half a block from my house. It was still there 2 days later, then was gone.
(barrycounty, Thu 28 Dec 2006, 0:50, Reply)

Apropos mixed metaphors
and the situation
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Wed 27 Dec 2006, 15:03, Reply)

When was the last time you made someone cry?
I yelled at a 17-year old girl because she couldn't read a recipe. There have GOT to be less lame reasons out there...
( salamander, Fri 22 Dec 2006, 13:19, Reply)

Tall Stories
Let's face it half the stories in QOTW are made up anyway. So why not, for 1 week only, give everyone carte blanche to post what ever tall tales they wish to concoct.
(ManTheHunter, Thu 21 Dec 2006, 23:07, Reply)

Easy one for this time of year: Worst present ever.
What was your worst Christmas present?

I got a strategy guide to a computer game I didn't own.

In fact, the game only ran on a system I didn't own and wasn't planning to ever buy.

I still can't imagine what the persons were thinking when they grabbed this thing out of the discount bin at the book store.

Still, it's the thought that counts. All 12 microseconds of it.
(cox2inhibitor, Thu 21 Dec 2006, 21:24, Reply)

The Rumour Mill
Working on the railway means that you get to hear all sorts of rumours about your colleagues, passengers, managers.etc. Sometimes I think train drivers are worse than schoolgirls the way rumours/stories do the rounds and usually get changed beyond all recognition.

I do know of one person who started a rumour about himself, just to see how far it would go - it went from him sh*gging a trolly-dolly (the truth) to him being caught in bed with a directors wife and being suspended for gross misconduct (the exaggerated version)- really he just went on holiday for two weeks... (and the story got as far as York, from Kent - so I'm told)

So what rumours have you started or heard and changed then passed on? How far did it go (and did anyone get fired?)
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Wed 20 Dec 2006, 0:10, Reply)

Naughty? (or nice?)
Well, it's nearly the end of the year and Santa is making his list...

Which list would good ole St Nick put you on this year and why?
(Aurelie Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 10:02, Reply)

Gave 'em what for
Teachers, horrible embittered shells of human beings with no joy in their lives but that which they derive from spiteful cruelty to children. But you can only push people so far before they push back tell us your tails where the oppressed students finally snapped and wouldn't take it anymore. What's the funniest thing you or someone you know ever said or did to a teacher who'd finally gone too far?
(StumpsForArms&NoEyebrows, Mon 18 Dec 2006, 2:04, Reply)

Church
There's got be some funny church stories.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Sun 17 Dec 2006, 17:01, Reply)

Second Life-type toecurlers
In the vein of Johnny Vegas' virtual picnic, what have you done in the virtual world that would make your friends rip the piss without mercy?
(bonjelafiend, Sat 16 Dec 2006, 22:57, Reply)

Call centres
I'm about to clock up three years as a call-centre monkey. There's never been a QOTW about the fun and joy of working as a headset gimp. Surely we must have some stories?
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 23:24, Reply)

How to get away with murder...
I once hit a schoolyard chum over the back with an icicle. He kicked me in the leg with a ski boot on... that was a shit idea.
(Necromental is a voice., Fri 15 Dec 2006, 22:47, Reply)

Shit on the walls and shit in the emails
Many years ago when I was a feeble cog in some giant banking machine I was copied in on a mail from a manager expressing concern that someone had been spreading excrement (again!!!) on the walls of the toilets and that it wasn't acceptable, considering the way they shafted staff and customers I don't think there was a real problem but I'd like to know what other bizzare emails people have been cc'd in on in the line of work, not just forwarding amusing stuff about blowjobs from the blond in HR either.
(inkworm, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 19:41, Reply)

Inappropriate comments
After a night of heavy drinking I awoke still drunk and decided to have a spliff. Walking down the road with my mate we passed a young girl of about 6 holding her fathers hand.
Not being of sound mind I blurted out "Mutton dressed as lamb." Needless to say the father wasn't too impressed.
What inappropriate comments have you made?
(Stainer Has been treating objects like women since, Thu 14 Dec 2006, 23:55, Reply)

Weirdest/Worst Christmas ever
In a more cynical perspective toward the season I ask you what is the worst Christmas or even just the strangest Christmas you've ever endured. I'm sure there'll be plenty of tragic stories of woe here but hopefully there's room also for some comically awful December 25th's.
(StumpsForArms&NoEyebrows, Thu 14 Dec 2006, 16:13, Reply)

Nice idea Malchick!
Even if it dosent make QOTW id like you to know i once slep in the boot of my car. (yayy wiskey)
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 12:12, Reply)

Perfect. Timing.
When have two events seemlessly co-insided unwittingly?

for example: Cooker breaking down during cooking of cristmass meal dec. 25 1998

or

first email on shiny new computer "sorry matey that computer course you signed up for and brough a new pc for is cancelled, as the lecturer has fucked off to australia"

or

300 pounds of bills in the post the same day as a 200 pay cheque

I could go on but id rather you did
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 12:09, Reply)

Psychotic Introductions
What are your experiences of scary people coming up to you in the street? What did they say? How did you difuse the situation?

My own favourites include the man with a scarred head who claimed to know me and who followed me around a Bradford branch of Wilkinsons (I escaped from him by going up to a hard looking man and explaining the situation, asking him to pretend to know me until the scary one went away), and a man in Leeds who I walked past as he was hitting a lamppost who decided to walk home with me telling me how he bases himself on a character in the film The Football Factory and who told me how he loves fooball violence and "I hate pakkis and first year students". He was a second year student. I simply ran away when he went for a piss.

Best of all was the man in Doncaster who was going to kill me because "You're Kurdish, aren't you. You fucking are".
( monkeon schmonkeon, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 9:33, Reply)

Nosiness
If I am in a record shop, I can't help myself but look at what other people are buying. For some reason, I find anyone with a stern face buying "The best of U2" funny in itself.

How nosy are you? Have you ever read anyone's diary etc...
( monkeon schmonkeon, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 9:19, Reply)

Your First Time!
Welly welly welly! Give it some that is!

How was your first time? Let the rest of us b3tans know.......because we're all interested in you..........and what you do with your downstairs bits!
(Da[]\[][]\[]Y Well.....That was nice, Sun 10 Dec 2006, 20:19, Reply)

My girl, my girl, don't lie to me.
Tell me where did you sleep last night?

Best places you've fallen asleep.
( Malchick, Sun 10 Dec 2006, 11:10, Reply)

Daily fluff
If I take the train or bus to work I often catch a glimpse of all the dwarf deer that roam around Reading's Cemetry Junction. If I drive to Reading on the A4 from Littlewick Green I see tons and tons of bunnies (less so now, but they are still there if I look closely whilst accidently ramming into the car ahead of me). What fluffiness makes you feel less fucked off about paying through your nose just to get to bloody work?
(bonjelafiend, Sat 9 Dec 2006, 22:03, Reply)

thieving bastard
Earlier this year me and the missus spent a month in Fiji. I had never flown before so the 11 hour flight to S Korea then another 10 hours crammed in a flying tin can in steerage had a somewhat detrimental effect on my common sense.
So its the first day in the capitol Suva and we're in this grubby little discount store buying all the stuff i forget to pack, toothbrush, razor etc we're left behind in my haste to pack after a few farewell tipples the night before takeoff. Anyway i'm approched by dodgy looking local offering a shiny top of the range N*kia phone at a too good to be true price, cautiously gave it the once over and it was looking like the sale of the fucking century!
Now in my jet lagged state hung over from the free vino dished out on the long haul, i eagerly haggled the price down to $50 fiji dollars (about £17). The dodgy dealer then popped the phone in a little sunglasses bag and handed it to me after taking the moolah.
Satisfied with my bargian i walked off, as i went to open the bag i noticed the bag was tightly tied shut, knotted several times, at this point i knew i'd been stitched up like a kipper after an autopsy, ripped open the bag to find a lovely bar of soap crafted into shape of said phone.
Cunt. he switched the bag, he was long gone, i was a few pints of beer money short, valuable lesson learnt. How have you been done over?
(Duke Fucknuts ate toast and fanny batter on, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 23:38, Reply)

pah
Of all the amazing suggestions on here that have come in from the readers, why oh why did B3ta choose such a shitty "school trip" question this week?
(HairyBaldy, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 13:36, Reply)

Idiot Bouncers
My good friend Jamie got accosted by two mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging bouncers while we were in a nightclub at the weekend.

His crime? Peacefully blowing bubbles into the air. This, apparently, is "dangerous," and something that, "Seems funny until someone gets hurt."

What is the stupidest reason for a steroid-riddled, testosterone-seeping bouncer to get shirty with you? And what happened?
(h0ly_j0e needs to unfuck himself, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 12:13, Reply)

annoying crap you have to put up with at work..
...such as the inane wittering on of fellow employees, along the lines of "oooo how do i hang up curtains?" resulting in an hour of "here's how" blah de blah. And let's not forget the hell that is Secret sodding Santa. It's meant to be fun but here it's soooooooo deadly serious - "thou shalt buy expensive gift for twunt you despise".

So, my suggestion is a QOTW to enable people to vent steam about all the annoying bollocks endured in the office
(angelica666, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 11:26, Reply)

If there was no b3ta...
...what would we all do? Would we find another site like it (PFFT), or would we do something usefull with our time. We could see the world and apperciate it's many wonders.

I could not live without it...could you?
(abignumber, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 20:23, Reply)

Mongtastic
What stories do you have involving winding up, taking the mikey out of or just laughing at Spakkos?
(the.gregster, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 8:39, Reply)

Stop Thief !!!
Upon emptying my trouser pockets to put my jeans in the wash after work i discovered a fairly new, and expensive, mobile phone sitting innocently in the back pocket. Realising I had inadvertantly "stolen" the phone after it had been handed to me behind the bar by some good samaritan, i quickly remedied the situation by unlocking the software, buying a charger from the market and selling the phone on eBay. It got me thinking...

Tell your fellow B3tans what you have stolen, by "accident" or purely for personal gain? (unless of course you have stolen from a fellow B3tard, in which case, best keep it to yourelf eh?)
( Mister B is eating an icanhazcheezburger with lmaonaise, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 21:19, Reply)

Pleasure
My current board signature is "passing out with pleasure" - not something I have ever done...possibly....

What would make you pass out with pleasure? Food, alcohol, sex, gadgets, etc. etc.

If this ever makes it as a Qotw....who knows what I might post.....
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 17:15, Reply)