I suffered road rage again last night
Heading home last night, about 6 idiots decided to cross infront of me, causing hard breaking and a selection of choice language.

I kid you not people, stepping out in front of a bike doing 25mph is going to hurt you a lot more than me.

If you really want to fuck yourselves up, do it off a bridge, preferably not as I pass underneath.
( Moonraker isn't the droid you were looking for, Wed 18 Oct 2006, 8:36, Reply)

Parking rage
Why are parking spots so 'emotive'? Even now, if we have to deviate a couple of feet from our chosen place to rest our banger there's tears and gnashing and wailing of teeth in the Chickenwire household.

But it wasn't always so.

Living a young lad's life, in a terrace in Leeds I used to regularly host soirees for my chums. I was also honoured to have the world's most ignorant fella living opposite.

One night, must have been half-past-ten, I hear a solid banging on the door. "Must be a problem!" We thought, and so opened the door to the ignorant neighbour, who, without another word, jabbed his hand back towards the front of the house "Is that your car?" he snarled, obviously meaning the Vauxhall Cavalier parked outside his pebbled-dashed frontage.

"No" quipped I, thinking on my feet of something more obviously witty to say, only to be baulked by the ignorant neighbour turning his back on me and stalking back towards his den. I didn't have the heart to call after him and advise it belonged to one of my evening guests.

Still, I got my own back for the ignorance. Every night I got in from a club, I pissed on his door handles.
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Wed 18 Oct 2006, 7:13, Reply)

David / 442
Nice message, but one thing - if it's only one guy driving like a cock out there, he doesn't half get around!
(BeatsWork, Wed 18 Oct 2006, 0:48, Reply)

Not on the roads but..
I work in a shop part time in the evenings at the moment.
In the last two weeks we have been robbed twice but the same shit at knife point. I really hope he catches Aids and Dies!
(Capt_Carl, Wed 18 Oct 2006, 0:11, Reply)

I used to get so pissed off with my road :(
Before moving to the tropical climate of Edinburgh i lived in dung infested calderdale, yorkshire.

Being all rural in a quaint farmhouse came with a drawback... the drawback being the tractor infested, vaguely road shaped line of boulders that made a half arsed attempt at being my only route home. Every summer we'd relay the surface of the road, every autumn rain and tractors would chew it all up again like a Kellogs wholegrain "now with added granite" cereal bar. Oh how i raged at that road :'(

One summer father and I filled in one of the pot holes with a tar/rubble mix. the weather being hot meant it stayed sticky rather longer than expected and getting home from college i found a cow stuck to the road by it's front hoof.

Good. if there's one thing i hated more than that road, it was the cows that shat on it.

Karma?
Yes.
( Shiodome has realised numbers in names aren't cool., Tue 17 Oct 2006, 23:17, Reply)

Road niceness
Here's something a bit different for you, not very interesting but at least it proves it's not all bad.

Driving down a narrow street lined with parked cars I pulled to the side to let a car heading in the opposite direction pass.
Instead of the standard raised hand to signal gratitude he stopped along side me, rolled down his window and shouted "Thank you!" very loudly but very politely into my car.

Now when someone says thank you to you in a situation you are used to the programmed response is something like "That's OK" or "No problem" but in this totally alien setting the best I could come up with was "Fmurb?" and to fix the man even more confused than usual look on my face.

Having had 2 minutes previously crafted myself a monobrow using my two natural eyebrows and a black marker pen completed my look perfectly.

That taught him.
(Bellamy's Enemy, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 22:34, Reply)

whats with all the rage?
cyclists and cars... I do both, as a cyclist I ride responsibly, try to keep my speed up or let cars past when I am obviously holding them up, as a driver I take extra care around an obviously more exposed human being, and really, two minutes added on to your journey because you were going through a slow windey bit isn't really the end of the world is it?

As for all the rage? lighten up, so one guy is out there driving like a cock? concentrate on not ending up driving like he is yourself and being no better.

David
(442, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 21:47, Reply)

Fat cnuting truck driver
Having just realised my brother (thelurvemeister) has beaten me to my sole story of road rage, all I can add is that you do not truly know fear until you are introduced to the possibility of being murdered by a 40 stone truck driver who can't take a joke. (to a 13 year old, it *was* funny). What made it worse was the fact that my mother gave me up so willingly to said man-mountain instead of booting our picasso into 5th and high tailing it to Devon.

Teh storee - b3ta.com/questions/roadrage/post63593/

Apologies for length & irrelevance, it's my first time and I didn't want to leave you empty handed.
(Good Looking Deity Grew a magnificent beard on, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 21:05, Reply)

fat trucker
a few years ago me, my brother and my mum were going down to visit my grandma in Devon. My brother being a bit of a twunt thought it would be fun to give the fat truck driver behind us the finger. needless to say my 11 year old mind thought this was hilarious.

until the driver flashed his lights and my mum pulled over.
he waddled out of his cab and said to my mum in a 40-a-day voice "your son was doing that *(holds out middle finger)* to me. i was not amused". i cant remember if my mum said anything but she walked back over to the car and made my brother swap seats with me.
i was absolutely gutted.
cos he got to sit in the front.
(littlenipple hate's bad grammar, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 20:29, Reply)

old fart rage
having read all the parking in mother and child stuff - what fucking supermarkets do you go to? I nary see one more than the size of two football pitches. No doubt you also have to park your 4x4 right on the steps of the school as well causing unecessary traffic build up.

Length? when I was a kid we walked to school and also up to town to do the shopping where my mam would carry it all back on her own.

No wonder we're breeding a nation of fat kents
(spike starski, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 20:22, Reply)

Ironic I should notice this thread today...
This afternoon my driving instructor parked outside my house by the curb and we were talking about what he wanted me to do in the lesson, as happens in lessons.

Next thing, an elderly man drives up, reverses into *my* drive, get's out of his car and comes over to have a go at us for blocking the drive (actually, we weren't - proof of this was that he'd just reversed in).

I ask him who the fuck he thinks he is, and point out that apart from the fact that he's clearly a cunt, this isn't his house. He left, quickly, with 'nary a sorry.
(manifold, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 20:14, Reply)

Other peoples road rage / inability to drive
I have to, if I'm going to the office, drive between Junctions 18 and 20 of the m6 northbound every day - one of the most dangerous stretches of road in the UK.

Yesterday 3 lorries went over the central reservation and caused it to be closed for 1/2 the day. Today, at almost the same part of the road, a car went over the central reservation which again caused it to be closed.

Good old Dad called both times to see if I was on the motorway / caught up in it / was ok.

Turns out I was actually in bed, having been hitting snooze since 7am, and his calls woke me up. Thanks to his fatherly concern and my knowledge of the effect of said closures on the surrounding roads I managed an extra couple of hours in bed on each of the past two days.
(spike starski, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 20:10, Reply)

My greatest regret
Is always being too damn late for the QOTW
(therocker, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 20:08, Reply)

B*stards
ok, i'm a learner so i expect most of you hate people like me, but what i REALLY hate is when inconsiderate w*nkers in expensive cars force their way past me when it's my f*cking right of way just because they can! If there was a single group of drivers that actually deserve some extra consideration its surely the people who have just started and so are as dangerous to others as to themselves!
If i f*ck up its [vaguely] understandable to be pissed off with me. But if i'm doing 30 in a 30 zone, with my L-plates on (shame, i know), what i dont need is some arrogant, 2nd-hand cumsock compensating for a small penis by flashing and tailgating learners!

Gd they irritate me, but not quite as much as the ridiculous ways you can fail your test, like if someone is speeding and fails to stop at red lights and hits you, the examiner can fail you for that!

there's so much i could rant about but i feel better now, so you're relieved of that...
(asme, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 19:38, Reply)

Ramp Rage
I was about 19 and driving down the ramps in a multi-storey car-park. To save time at the barriers I was fishing around in my pocket for the ticket. I then realised that the car in front of me, at the bottom of the inter-level ramp, had stopped so I put my foot down on the brake. No brake pedal. I had manouevred my leg whilst getting the ticket and was treading on nothing but thin air. I had just about enough to say "cock it" before ramming the red estate car in front of me. The driver burst out of his door, bristling with rage. I couldn't see what the problem was. OK, i'd just rammed his car but the damage wasn't that bad. Just a dent or two. He continued fuming and then I clocked what he was more annoyed about. The fact that his mileometer only had 40 miles on it. That would be a brand new smashed up car then. Well, he'll get over it one day.
( Fray Brentos *mega-belms*, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 19:05, Reply)

My First accident
I have a 1997 Mini Cooper and after many years of driving without one accident under my belt I was waiting to pull onto a roundabout when the car behind me decided to drive straight into the back of my car, his massive Peugeot caused considerable damage to my tiny Mini and I was thrown forward into the steering wheel during the crash.

Getting out of my car I calmly asked the chap who had driven into me if he was ok only to be greeted by a barrage of insults and him telling me there was a gap I could clearly of made, I pointed out that he had driven into me and that it was he who was about to lose his no claims bonus.

That was three weeks ago and ever since I have been driving around in my Ford Fiesta hire car, my driving has become a lot more aggressive in these last three weeks and my new hobby is not tolerating cunts on the road anymore. I especially hate people who get in the wrong lane at roundabouts just so they can get round faster and then push in at their junction. I drive as fast as I can parallel to them just so they have to stop dead and then wait for someone else to let them in.

So join me in not tolerating these idiots any longer, if you have someone tailgating you then simply slow down to 15mph (its fun knowing they are losing their minds behind you), if someone takes the spot you were about to park in simply wait for them to exit their car and leave and then set their car on fire, if someone changes lane without signalling on the motorway simply follow them home and smother them in their sleep.

The time is ours people, let’s take back the roads!
(Sub-Lingual Hates You, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 18:40, Reply)

car wash
not really road rage, more incredible stupidity, but had to be told!

my friend's dad. unbelievably bright, he's a top surgeon in cheshire, but when it comes to the ordinary things... sums him up to say that when i was about 12, i watched him unscrew the top on a "I'M NEW, I'M PLASTIC, NO NEED TO UNSCREW, JUST SQUEEZE ME" plastic ketchup bottle and tap the end as if it were glass. thereby flooding and ruining his dinner.

whilst discussing complex historical theories and having just completed a major major operation.

so one day he and my friend's brother were in the garage. mr x decides to wash the car. he gets in line, presses the button, nothing. goes to complain, comes back bright red and clutching a token. he didn't realise you had to pay. then, for some INEXPLICABLE reason, he decided to drive round and enter the WRONG END of the car wash.

naturally within minutes the car wash had mangled his car and come to a grinding flailing soapy halt. after a while, mr x turns to his son and says, "you'd better get out and tell them."

"HOW???" asks my friend's brother, reasonably enough given that the brushes were squeezing his door in. eventually he had to climb out of the window.

the not inconsiderable group of people watching this were highly amused to see a dripping wet, soapy and pinkly scrubbed boy emerge from the knackered carwash and stagger into the kiosk.

the fire brigade had to cut them out, and they sent mr x the bill for the whole lot. what a twat.

the amusing thing is, my friend's brother loves to tell this story. doesn't seem to occur to him that he was 21 years old, but never tried to stop his father from reversing into the arse end of a carwash...

watch what you drink in manchester, folks. this man could be operating on you!


EDIT: YES, BUT IF I MOVE TO BUXTON OR SOMEWHERE UNPOPULATED, THE JUMPED UP BALDING LITTLE SCROTE WILL WIN! HMMM....
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 18:27, Reply)

Fucking Daewoo drivers..
It was today, I was driving my nice newish 206 down a back lane and this cunt stain decided to tailgate me, I got rather annoyed at this and slammed on my brakes, he followed suit and gave me the finger, I smiled. Slowed down to a nice 30 MPH he decideds to overtake me, swerves into the wrong lane (this lane is only just big enough for 2 cars) on a blind corner, I know my car has more power than his (its a beast, not chavved up or anything, just got something under the bonnet like) and he draws level with me, he goes to un do his window when he sees a car coming round the corner, I speed up, he slams on his brakes and the other car passes. I see my turning coming up but decided fuck him, and carry on at a nice 30 MPH for 5 miles, he didn't even try and overtake, he just sat there in his nice cheap attempt at a Ford Mondaeo Presumable trying to ignore the mess in his trousers. As he turned off I waved to him.

All in all I realise it was a very stupid thing to do, but twats like him really get on my tits. I don't have any but if I did he would be sat there on them next to Cristians and Penut Butter.

Sorry for length but he deserved it right in his eye!
(Range, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 18:20, Reply)

Parking Rage (close enough)
It winds me up more than almost anything I can think of when people use the mother & baby parking at supermarkets, when they don't have babies with them. Having had to park at least twenty yards further away than if I had been able to use one of the spaces, I was already feeling narky. When I saw a middle aged sailing type plop his BMW into a baby bay and wander off into Tesco I decided to take a polite, but firm stand.

I walked up to him as he queued for his lottery ticket, excused myself and politely explained that those spaces were for people who were here with children, and not people too lazy to walk an extra twenty yards. I then went off to buy scampi with my son, feeling very self righteous.

We had just got to the scampi aisle when he comes storming towards us, grabs the front of my jumper and starts screaming about how dare I embarass him in front of the queue (perhaps he was a regular?). It was quite strange, because a) I was in the right, and b) I was quite a bit bigger than him. So I threw him into the freezer, smacked him on the head with some potato croquettes, pulled his deck shoe off and lobbed it over the top into the next aisle.

We left him there went on our merry way to buy some sweets so that mummy would never know.

Length? I gots childrens don't I?
(Hampton St.Roker (has probably had your mum), Tue 17 Oct 2006, 18:15, Reply)

A bridge too far...
Holidaying with me mum in lovely Cornwall, we decide to take a trip to Fowey one afternoon for the obligatory cream tea / trip round craft shops expedition. We head off in mum’s car, a sacking great big white pimp-mobile merc (I know, I’m sorry. She’s sold it now, but there’s no excuse). We reach the outskirts of Fowey, where we’re greeted with a sign saying “Car Park – Please park here for Fowey. Don’t drive into the town centre” – or words to that effect. So what does mum do? Totally ignores the sign and ploughs on down a really steep hill into the town. Also ignores my protestations that the sign must be there for a reason and that maybe we should just park there. I have a tendency to obey authority…
“I can see lots of cars parked over there” she says and sets of towards them, across a bridge. The bridge is fairly narrow, about a car width, so she slows down to manoeuvre her way across. Except it’s almost exactly our car’s width and lo, we get stuck. Totally wedged. We’re now blocking the street and somehow seem to be unable to pull forward or back due to a kink in the road. Mum looks at me and utters the immortal words

“Rakky, love, could you get out and try to see how I can work my way out of this?”

“Get out, GET OUT? How the f*ck do you expect me to get out of the f*cking car when you’ve wedged us tight onto this f*cking bridge, mother? Maybe I should climb out of the f*cking sun-roof, hmmm? And if we end up on the f*cking local news because of this I’m never speaking to you again.” Etc, etc etc…

Mum took my tirade pretty well, in fact, she just pissed herself laughing (*). By this time I’m apoplectic with rage, mum’s hysterical and everyone in the pub on the other side of the bridge has come out to have a look at the stupid tourists. With a lot of effort and damage to the paint work we got through, but it took a couple of jam and cream scones before I forgave her. I try to bring it up whenever anyone mentions what a good driver she is.

(*) laughing at the wrong moment is her speciality. Later that week we were out walking and she got a giggling fit as she was hoisting our dog over a style into my arms. She started to laugh, flung the dog at me, knocking me backwards over the fence and into a load of cow shit.
It’s a good job the daft cow’s got a good life insurance policy…
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 17:45, Reply)

Rachelswipe...
...Yes there is a way you can avoid paying congestion charge.

Don't live or work in London.

*wins*
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 17:36, Reply)

Another car park one
A few years ago I was trying to find a space in a busy carpark and finally saw a guy get into a van and prepare to reverse out, so I stopped and waited for him. It was a nice summer's day and I was in a good mood so sat patiently, singing along to the song on the radio. Suddenly Mr Van aborts his reversing, gets out and comes storming towards me with fists clenched, crimson face and turning the air blue with obscenities. Now I know my singing leaves a lot to be desired but it's never aroused a reaction like this before. Although scared I manage to remain calm, and once I can get some sense out him it turns out he thought I was telling to hurry up with his reversing. I point out his mistake and he stomps off muttering, no doubt angry to be denied a confrontation. No apology of course.

Moral, if there is one: be careful out there, the smallest thing can turn some people into Norman Bates.

First post after a long time enjoying all of your stories. Sorry it's not funny, but I guess road rage isn't either.
(eesnahk, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 17:24, Reply)

I was out drinking one night...
I was sat at the bar with a road and a footpath, when this big red fucker comes in. The barman turns to us and says "I'd stay away from that one if I were you". I say "Why's that then?".

He turns back and says "Because he's a cycle-path".

...sorry.
(Keiths Dad, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 17:22, Reply)

say what you see
a friend of mine (or was before she told me this...) thought that road rage was the accusing look back at the patch of pavement that was minding its own business until you stumbled or tripped up on it.
it still makes me smile...
doesn't make me answer her calls though.
(missmissy, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 17:05, Reply)

I had another jumped up prick in a BMW try to kill me today
ok it's not just BMWs, but Audis, bikers, the usual batch of asians driving with their brother in law's licence and the 23IQ pointed prostitutes that seem to have overrun the midlands!

Basicly it boils down to this:
1) I drive a powerful car.
2) I don't want to die.
3) I want to keep the aforementioned car.
4) I like my licence and want to keep that too.

Therefore I adhere to these very simple rules:
>If some-one tail gates: Slow down to the exact speed limit.
>If some-one doesn't indicate: Politely, but loudly warn them that their indicators don't seem to be working.
>If some-one road hogs: Keep distance or pull over, being 10 minutes later doesn't usually cause many problems (besides, it's your fault for leaving late ... as I usually do!)
>If you get cut up: Flash your lights and then leave plenty of room.

There will always be pricks out there, but at the end of the day, their crime is their punishment. While I've sold on my 3rd car in prime condition and I'm looking at getting my 500bhp Subaru Legacy limited edition twin turbo(should be after christmas) those twunts will be sitting in very close proximity to a lamp post wondering how they could have been so stupid.

Laugh, aplaud, but don't wind yourself up. They'll do it to the wrong person one day!
(plus I tend to find my rules wind them up more than shouting and bad language)
( Far Out Slave last ate at, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 16:59, Reply)

hunter S. thompson
Sed; y'could always tell the difference between country folk and townies: townies wait patiently with cattle, while country folk beep their horns, get em running and see if you can chase em into the next county!
counts for twunts on horses oi finks.
(mickturate if i could be arsed i'd be bored, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 16:24, Reply)

Worse than both car drivers and cyclists
are twats on horses. I don't normally mind, but on my route home from work is riding stables, where some idiots regularly take their untaxed, uninsured walking glue-fodder beasts for a slow walk, two abreast - at rush-hour.

Invariably, everyone slows down to speed that would make a hat-wearing codger fume, and gently pass.

One of these days, I will rev my car to the red, blast on the horn and play drum and bass until my ears bleed, just so that I can scare one of those nags into throwing their selfish passengers into a bush, or better still under the wheels of some arsedonkey in an X5.

*Fume*
(lardaholics anonymous, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 16:20, Reply)

Tottenham's finest
A few years ago I was living in Tottenham and one day was driving home. Now I'm not an aggressive person (at least not actively) but I do hate sports car drivers who try to own the road by cutting you up. Fair enough if you overtake, but if you cut up then you're just being a cunt. I often like to do one over them by overtaking them (or sometimes undertaking) just to piss them off, as I drive a Peugeot 106 which is pretty nifty on a city road.

Anyway as I was driving down Lordship Lane this complete twunt in some rollerskate of a sports car starts getting argy-bargy and tries to cut me up. I let him in but at the next lights were both on the front row. I look over at him and it's some 'homie' with some naff jewelry, token bimbo and said sports car. Well it's game on, and as the lights go off we both floor it wanting to get the advantage.

Unfortunately for the other guy the road layout meant that the right hand lane had to merge into the left as the road became single carriage. So after a few seconds he was now driving fast in the WRONG LANE, and ever so shortly about to come up against traffic driving in the opposite direction.

Although I would have liked nothing better than to see this waste of space and almost certain criminal wiped off the face of the earth, there were potentially innocent people involved (i.e. the oncoming traffic) and I wouldn't be able to live with that. And he hadn't out run me so he had nowhere to go. In about three seconds he would be dead.

So basically I did the sensible thing and let in in front of me. In no way thankful that I had taken account of his stupidity and saved his life, the dude stops his car dead in front of me. This has the added effect of blocking all the traffic behind us, as he gets out to confront me.

Despite protestations from his bint (something along the lines of 'Leave it ahht!') he comes up to my window. Now I'm only too aware that I'm suddenly in a rather tricky situation. However I do have some understanding of how people work and there's only one way to defuse the situation.

I shot him.

Haha, no, not really. As he comes up to my car I wind down the window to save him breaking it. He starts shouting the obvious obscenities and look him directly in the eye with neither a scared or snide expression on my face - I'm just blank. Once he pauses for half a second, I simply say "Sorry". This throws him as he's obviously expecting an abusive response. He then says "Why the fuck did you do it then?"

Well I have to admit that for a split second I did think about telling him what a cock he was and how he owed me his life, but for some reason I thought the better of it. Again, with no expression I just replied "I don't know."

Again this threw him a bit, but then he regained his composure, swore, and then walked away and insulted me again just for good measure. He drove off and that was it.

By the time I got home I must have had about a pint of adrenaline in my system, but it's nothing that a bottle of vodka and a few spliffs couldn't solve.

Apologies for length but then it was probably bigger than his.
(Karlos the Marmoset this message may self destruct at, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 15:55, Reply)

mickturate
I am familiar with the oopa loompa description, theyve all been tangoed
(superkitty is neither super nor a kitty, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 15:43, Reply)

L plate rage
This happened to me about a year ago, on the mean streets of Bristol....

I was driving to work on my usual route, when i come to a normal roundabout which some people have a few 'issues' with. Basically its a two lane approach with left only and right only lanes. Easy enough for those in the know. However the problem occurs because the right only lane exits the roundabout onto a bit of dual carriageway, and its also the busiest lane. This means jumped up BMW drivers regularly skip down the left turn only lane but turning right.

I am pretty much used to all bristol drivers being twunts, so tend to just go along without a problem. Anyway, this day im in right hand lane, i turn right on the rounabout and start to move into the left lane of the dual carriageway. Cue someone who tried the skippy route beeping and flashing that i had cut him up. He then proceeds to pull out, bomb past me at speed to where the dual carriageway becomes 1 again and stops dead.

uh-oh. Out steps a mid 40's balding man, and i suddenly twig - a driving instructor. gobsmacked i was. But im a lover not a fighter, so i didnt get out. He proceeds to give me a volley through my windo about how i cut him up, nearly caused an accident, hes calling the police etc etc. I, quite calmly i thought, say to the chap 'excuse me mate, but i think as an instructor you should know what the markings on a road mean, or do you want me to ring them *points at MASSIVE number on back of car for lessons* and tell them about your lack of knowledge'.

He sulked off in his car. I then passed him about 50 metres down the road parked by a shop. what a right pillock.

I would say long time reader first time poster, but im not and it isnt. So check the girth.

p.s. i often wondered how people got the stories so long, well i just went on for ages without much of a point. yay me.
( DLT's Musical Bonanza is totting up the p, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 15:43, Reply)