Broken cock, biggest regret...
Sort of a repost...
FINALLY I'm scoring the threesome I'd been looking for, but to my delight this threesome ended up being a foursome. Three drunk, hot and up for it girls and a very drunk and grinning me.
Could all my Christmas' be coming at once?
Well, karma came looking for me that night. Mid act I felt a painful twang in my cock,looked down and it had quadrupled in width with swelling and was quickly coming to resemble an elephant seal. FUCK! Had to go to emergency and endure multiple Dr's poking prodding and ultrasounding my poor swollen, and now very bruised, cock. Double FUCK!
Not the outcome I'd hoped for.
(technocore, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 3:20, 1 reply)

None...
I've had a great time, no regrets whatsoever.
( fagilliD Fuck I'm good!, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 3:17, 1 reply)

He lied.
There were no puppies.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 3:13, 2 replies)

My biggest regret
is that Miss Piggy isn't a real lady.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 2:46, 1 reply)

It's what I didn't do...
She was a friend's younger sister. Just 18, about to go to Uni, a pocket sized blonde with big blue eyes, saucy smile & not a straight line on her. I'd appreciated her in a purely theoretical way to date. But now she had a teenage crush on me.

Me? 12 years older, and in a serious relationship, with my soon-to-be fiancee. So when this lively little blonde made her tentative approaches, I gently put her off.

Pleased with my maturity and fortitude, I told my girlfriend of how I had manfully resisted the temptation.
:Oh, she's really cute" she said. "I'd have given you a weekend pass for her."

Bugger, fuck and bollocks.
(North Utsira South Utsira, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 0:26, 16 replies)

I frequently pass wind when I'm nervous or excited.
Innumerable times iv farted whilst getting it on. When they go down its the worst.
I can laugh it of really. Some blokes would be really put of, some I never saw again. The one I'm with now finds it hilarious.
If you can't be yourself around someone, do you really want a relationship with them ?
He took me as I am from the very start, and to be honest I'v never known such a happy couple as me and my other 'alf.
(shezam slouching towards nirvana., Thu 8 Dec 2011, 23:13, 3 replies)

Young People, eh?
It has come to my attention that young ladies these days seem to be a lot more forward than they were in my day. They wear less, they drink more. They're sexually promiscuous and [pause to wipe palms of hands on trousers] they appear to have a distinct lack of inhibition.

Young guys that I know tell stories of threesomes, foursomes and moresomes. Of one-night-stands and drunken debauchery. Of nightly conquests and guilt-free, multi-position, athletic boning.

So here's my question.

Why in the name of FUCK was I born in 1977?

*sigh*
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 23:06, 15 replies)

Well I'll be fucked..

This is not about how I went on holiday with a girl after we just split up (because I still wanted a surf trip to Costa Rica) and how I spent the week sharing an uncomfortable frigid bed with her. Or even that, out of misplaced loyalty, I turned down licking chocolate syrup off her gorgeous drunk, flight attendant friend, who was gagging for it and told me exactly what I missed as she jetted off to somewhere else the following week.

That's a whole other story.

This post is about a previous question: "The B3TA Detective Agency. Tell us about your feats of deduction and the little mysteries you've solved. Alternatively, tell us about the simple, everyday things that mystified you for far too long."

After years and years of reading and posting to B3ta I just this minute finally got what "pearoast" means...
( gp_guineapig, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 22:49, 16 replies)

Take yourself back to the late 1980's
In my late 20's I was working as an engineer in a city 30 miles from home, commuting and working a 7 days out of 14 shift pattern. I hated every bit of the travelling and the company that I worked for seemed to be totally against giving me any one of the numerous jobs I'd applied for at the local office. Then things changed, the bosses decided that engineers were to be a thing of the past and that technical operatives were to be the future. Into my department walked the delightful Wanda, pretty, slim, with stunning red hair and not long out of school - far too young for even a late 20's BoredWitless.

So what did I do, dear reader. Yes, absolutely f**k-all, and in early 1990 I finally got the job in my home town - I was now commuting less in a week than I'd done in a day previously. Life was good, and I finished up with a wonderful daughter (who is now the same age that Wanda was then) and a vindictive, manipulative ex-wife (but that's another story entirely).

I still wonder how it would have turned out had I not been such a pillock back in the late 80's - she was without doubt stunning (and probably still is), just lately I've taken to thinking how it might have turned out if I hadn't been so set in my ideas (for a young man).

I now wholeheartedly subscribe to the idea that you should never regret the things that you did, but only the things that you didn't - something that I've learned the hard way.....
(BoredWitless, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 22:04, 11 replies)

ayia napa ayia napa bo
Lads holiday to cyprus in 2000. the second or third night we went to a foam party. My memory is akin to a well worn-in dartboard due to an alarming amount of Keo having been drank but I recall being directly under the stream of foam and thinking that I may drown.

*SCENE MISSING*

I am being led from the club by the hand of a girl. I am staggering wildly. Speech slurred. She knows me from the hotel we share. She leads me back to her room. We get it on. God knows how I got a hard-on, I blame me being only 19 at the time. More chance of America voting in a muslim president than me getting a bonk-on after a booze these days.
After a while of mattress wrestling there was a knock at her hotel room door. She hops out of bed to let in her friend who is sharing the room. She is accompanied by my friend Lee.
"what the fuck are you doing here?" he asks.
"I could ask the same of you" I reply.
Lee walks round the bed and pulls the curtains back to reveal its now morning. Sunlight hits this girl who's guts I had been shoving in not a minute previous and I realise that she is an ogre.
The wave of shock sobers me like I've just main-lined a keg of slap flavoured adrenaline.
Without any further conversation I wrapped a bedsheet around me, scooped up my clothes and went back to my room to shower, cry, and eat soap.
(Raol Duke, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 21:49, 4 replies)

I laid back on the bed
and locked my fingers behind my head. It was afternoon. There was a knot in my stomach. I swallowed. The bed was narrow, the starched sheets rough against my skin. I felt guilty. So fucking guilty. The door opened and a man's voice bade me welcome. Back again, he said, you must like it here. I didn't reply. I kept staring at the ceiling then closed my eyes. I thought of my girlfriend, and what I needed to tell her.

I wasn't here because of what I wanted, but because of what I needed. That was my tack and I would stick to it. 'I tell myself I will not go/ even as I drive there'. The man clattered around on the far side of the room. I felt myself tense as he walked to stand beside me. I pushed my teeth together as I felt his fingers envelop my cock, the unmistakable sensation of latex, his fingers pulling my foreskin back. There was a touch of metal against my skin.

"I thought these would have gone away by now. Here we go again. Brace yourself"

The man proceeded to burn half my dick off with cold gas. Remember, kids, condoms are your friends, and STD treatment can really fucking hurt.

The worst part is that afterwards it stank of rotten meat.
( cs1ca, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 20:34, 1 reply)

Sorry about the repost.
Hartley the Hare.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 20:01, 4 replies)

Threesomes. They never live up to the hype so ably provided by even the most basic internet searches.
Those films show that all women are secretly bisexual and will quite happily entertain another lady with her tongue/fingers/strap on aparatus while a man plows into her from behind.

Bollocks they do.

My one and only threesome was crap. I was drunk and they were stoned. They wanted nothing to do with each other, so much so that is was less of a threesome, more of two simultaneous twosomes. They both insisted on me changing the condom ever time I switched between the two of them. All three of us were clearly thinking it was a mistake but I think we carried on out of a sense of not knowing how to get out of it. It was rubbish. At the time it was weird, but looking back, I was most definately rubbish.
(FartThroughAWalkieTalkie wished you were dead in ditch on, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 18:54, 4 replies)

fuckit that egret joke had bindun umpty times already
so my biggest sexual regret...not wearing a condom with that fat slapper with a cunt like a horse collar. Mind you Penicillin UzzardC4H5As has turned into a lovely lad.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 18:49, Reply)

Twix of Doom (pearoast)
Pearoast, but relevant. And I've still not eaten one since.

My first girlfriend and I were together for about two and a half years. A few weeks before we split up we went on a short break to Cartmel in the Lake District, renting a cottage from my auntie’s boss. We had a nice time there, wandering around the priory, eating toasted teacakes and crumpets in a small tea shop, but a more deviant event was on the horizon.

“Would you eat something out of me?” she asked one evening.

I confess I was rather bewildered and wondered what she could mean: A banana? Some chocolate? A pie? I suggested these things and she decided that a Twix would be a good idea.

The next morning we walked to the local Spar shop and, being a chivalrous type, I allowed her to choose her Twix. As the chocolate was slightly soft I suggested that we should maybe put it into the freezer for a while so that it wouldn’t melt in a flash (amongst other things) and she agreed.

“I’m ready,” she said late that evening. She went upstairs before me while I retrieved the Twix from the freezer, following in her footsteps moments later. When I reached the bedroom she had already undressed and was lying on the bed, her legs apart. For a moment I wondered how I was going to do this: do I actually remove it from the wrapper or do I shove the whole lot in? Do I put one finger in or both of them? I didn’t want to ask as I felt this would just make her nervous and would hardly instil confidence in the poor girl as she lay there, legs akimbo, about to be penetrated by a chocolate bar. I decided to insert a single finger and opened the wrapper, suddenly noticing that the chocolate was covered in a slightly grey sheen of condensation having been in the freezer all day, and was also as hard as a pavement, my thumbnail failing to leave an impression when I tested it.

“This is going to be cold,” I warned before introducing the Twix. She gasped as it slid inside and I left about an inch of it sticking out. For a moment I looked at the rather ridiculous and mildly scary sight before me, before bending down and biting off about half of the exposed finger of Twix.

Without warning the whole thing vanished inside her. Gone. I panicked, completely baffled, wondering what I should do. I didn’t think it would be The Done Thing to prise apart her labia like a mechanic lifting a bonnet before rummaging around inside, so I just lay there, staring, wanting to cry for a moment.

And then a thick, brown liquid began to ooze from her pubis. Terrified that it would ruin the sheets – which, after all, were not ours – I thrust my hand between her thighs and caught the melted chocolate as it dribbled out, but my hand quickly filled and I was then forced to consider what I was going to do with a hand full of rather hot melted Twix as I could hardly say “just crimp yourself off, love – I need to go and wash my hand”, so screwing my eyes shut I licked it off my hand while my other one was slowly filling.

Then, just as I thought it couldn’t get any worse, the biscuit base popped out, completely, eerily clean, stripped bare of chocolate and caramel, like an albino penis. I pulled it out and, hands full of chocolate, quickly ate it while I awaited for her sugary genital deluge to stop.

I don’t think I’ve eaten a Twix since.
(nasalhair The Twix guy!, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 18:26, 16 replies)

Being too drunk
to really enjoy the only threesome I've ever been a part of. I just watched them get on with it while I stood there with the 'droop. Man, that was rubbish.
(fluff, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 17:58, 1 reply)

I wasted my teenage years reading magazines
when I could have been shagging all the hot and horny young girls those websites now tell me are dying for it.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 17:53, Reply)

I think I can safely repost this:
On Hallowe'en this year, my friend C got very drunk and shagged a girl of leviathanic proportions who also tore his back to ribbons. Of course, we have been mocking him about the incident ever since - nicknaming him "Captain Ahab" and making constant jokes about whaling. Sitting in the uni open mic night tonight we were continuing in the same vein, discussing how long (five minutes) it had taken to go from "repartee to rippling motions" when he snapped and half-shouted "WILL YOU LOT STOP GOING ON ABOUT WHALES!"

Just then - literally at that very moment - the next singer stepped up to the microphone and announced "And this is a song I wrote about a whale that's being harpooned". We died. Absolutely died laughing*.

Lines included "They'll eat my eyes, and even my thighs (though I don't have any, because I'm a whale)".

C just sat there, head in hands. I think he is considering leaving the country.


*I got better
( MatJ LOOK, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 17:21, 5 replies)

Not me but I'll bet he still regrets it to this day.
PEAROAST

Chubby Chasing Doormen
While working at the Australian theme bar on broad Street I had the pleasure to work with K. A nice enough chap who was always game for a laugh but was as thick as a whale omelette and like women who weighed about twice as much as Lisa Riley.

On one particular night at closing time he forgoes the usual staff pint and buggers off, we assume he has headed home early as he has work early the next morning.

My colleagues and I leave the pub about an hour later having unwound from a night of student excess and dodging hen parties. As we get to the car park we bump into K.

"Guys gimme a hand with the car will you" he asks.

"Yeah sure says us" thinking he needed a jump start. How wrong we were.

As previously mentioned K liked the larger lasses and this week unbeknownst to us he had excelled himself. We got to the car to be greeted by quite a shocking sight.

K had pulled a rather large lady and she had met him by his car so they could engage in a little push and pull. However she was so large she had become stuck between the front two seats so we al had to grab a limb and pull till she popped free.

The exact sight of this has been burned to my memory. Seeing a 25st woman with a fanny like a hippos yawn stuck between the front seats of a Datsun Cherry will stay with me forever.

So will the look on the fireman's face when we couldn't free her and they had to remove one of the front seats.
(kickstandrich last had sex with your mum/sister/wife/daughter on, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 17:16, 5 replies)

Hartley the Hare.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 16:39, 5 replies)

Getting drunk at a butchers christmas party
I'd rather not carry on with this story....
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 16:36, 6 replies)

Roasting some peas
I had been friends with the girl across the road since we were both 5. When we were 13, we were walking across an overgrown field/meadow on the edge of town when we started play-fighting. She got me to the floor and pinned me. "Ha!" she said triumphantly, but then I managed to roll and ended up pinning her. Rather than trying to push me off, she wrapped her arms and legs around me and pulled me down onto her but I managed to wriggle free.

Some months later, she admitted that on that July afternoon, the hot sunshine had made her horny as hell and sexy things were going to happen, but my innocence had secured my virginity for another 4 years.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 16:36, 9 replies)

I was with a beautiful girl, getting serious
and we decided to come clean about how many people we had slept with.

She went through her past list, not too long but enough to show she had had fun and knew a thing or too.

Then I went through mine, all the way from my first (ahh Joanne) right up to her.

I probably should have stopped at that point......
(LetsGetDownToIt, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 16:32, 2 replies)

probably not the biggest, but phwoar
www.gobirding.eu/Images/Herons/GreatWhiteEgret/Great%20Egret,%20South%20Bay,%2020-Apr-05%20L.JPG
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 16:32, 2 replies)

Zzzzzz
I was on a trip with a big group of students, all of us staying in a kind of hostel. One night I was looking after a mate who'd got horribly drunk and was throwing up everywhere. When I was helping him stumble back to bed, I was passing a girl's room when she popped her head out and said "Come back when you've got him to bed".

Well it was very late, and I was quite pissed myself, but my brain got the message loud and clear. She was gorgeous, with an amazing figure, and I couldn't believe my luck, so I dumped my mate in his bed and ran back. She was lying in bed. I sat on the edge, we talked for a while, and to cut it short she told me to climb into bed and shag her.

I was, to put it mildly, inexperienced, but she was very good about telling me what to do and guiding me on what to put where. I remember kissing her, I remember groping and sucking her tits, and I remember her trying to get our legs coordinated... but nothing more than that until I woke up some time later to find myself still in her bed, on top of her, and her asleep. I grabbed my clothes and crept out.

Next morning she didn't make any sign that anything had happened, so I waited until she was on her own and asked her. "You fell asleep", she said. "I know, but did we... erm, did we do it?" I mumbled. "No, you twat, and I was gagging for it too." she hissed, and walked off.
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 16:25, Reply)

Just over 2000 years ago...
I hooked up with this really hot Jewish chick and half the bloody world still go on about it...
(TeabagSalad Never teabag a troll, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 16:14, 2 replies)

Philosophical reply
If the teachings of Freud are anything to go by i.e: everything is about sex, or comes down to sex; then to regret any aspect of sex would mean to regret everything, which would be a bit stupid.

finds this QoTW a bit presumptuous
(roysin, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 16:08, 12 replies)

Why I hate the Bee Gees....
As a sixth former I was in a relatively long, stable relationship with my first serious girlfriend. She was great fun, pretty and we had a great sex life, often running the mile or so home from school for sex before my parents got home, romantic I know.

One of her friends was blonde, very attractive and slightly odd which added to the intrigue. Since the age of 13 the blonde girl....let's call her Helen, was very flirty towards me but we never got together. As soon as my girlfriend and I started dating, Helen's flirting became more and more overt.

Eventually Helen gave me an ultimatum, if we didn't start seeing each other she would kill herself......as I type this I can't believe how ridiculous this sounds but to a rampant 17 year old boy the warning bells didn't disturb the thoughts of rampant sex. Round about this time the Bee Gees released an album with Barbara Striesand and Helen would sing lyrics like "I am a woman in love, and I'll do anything to get you into my world..." or "We have nothing to be guilty of..." whenever we passed in the school corridor.

Eventually as a morally weak male I bowed to pressure, broke up with my distraught girlfriend and started seeing Helen. From the first minute of our first date she changed from being overtly sexual to coy and shy.Worse was to come, the first time we had sex ...erm how can I put this delicately.... apart from being frigid she was cold ...internally, a bizarre sensation and something I had not experienced before or since.

We went out for a few weeks but my heart was never in it amongst many other things. Eventually I left Helen and stayed single for a while.

I eventually apologised to my girlfriend, as soon as she could bear to be in the same room as me and we came really great friends, more like brother and sister. Well brother and sister from King's Lynn because we stared shagging again.

That was 30 years ago, I'm now married, faithful and recently re-established contact with my original girlfriend and we can laugh about what happened in our teens.

As for Helen...... haven't seen her for 30 years and every time I hear the Bee Gees and Barbara Striesand I reduce the radio to its constituent molecules with a claw hammer.
(Barnetboy, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 16:02, 3 replies)