YAY!
This is the first Qotw which i've had a story for... and not just one

The best i'm afraid is not me but my mate:

Last year at uni he was feeling pretty low, homesick and such, and so he decided to get drunk on his own, yet without much money he set off to buy the cheapest vodka he could find, now don't ask me what he eventually bought, as it is rumoured that it actually had no name on the bottle, but it looked like vodka and he proceeded to drink the entire bottle.

Well, it did the trick, and with his new found confidence (read drunkeness) he decided to go clubbing alone.

As luck would have it he met a girl he used to go to school with and they ended up going back to hers, things were hotting up in the bedroom and both were stripped to their underware as hebegan to move his head further and further down her body (if you know what i mean).

As he reached his destination he thought "jesus, i dunno if i can go through with this, she stinks down here"... he soon realised the smell wasn't her as something began to trickle down his leg.

To avoid embarrasment he ran to the bathroom, but he didnt shit, instead, a large blob of gak (his words, not mine) about the size of his head simple fell out of his ass, it was every discusting colour you can imagine and smelt like it had died... it was his stomach!!!

He made his appologies and ran home, where he continued to shit blood for the rest of the night.

(oh no, its not over yet) AT first light he phoned his dad for help, his dad is actually a manager of a large factory where my mate works in the holidays, and for some reason his dad puts his phone on speaker phone and the entire factory heard the conversation!
(pleasedeletemeplease, Wed 5 May 2004, 22:58, Reply)

My cat once ate
a 6 foot-long piece of red and green string, which it couldn't completely crap out. There i was, sitting in my living room, and my cat comes running through with about 5 feet of it trailing from its ass.
Considering it was around christmas, she looked rather festive.
( cheesemaster a screaming naked asian man driving a semi, Wed 5 May 2004, 22:52, Reply)

I thought of another.
A friend of mine was once driving on a turnpike toward Philadelphia, PA when he suddenly had the explosive urge to make shit. Forced between shatting himself or taking an exit to New Jersey, he chose the latter. (If you are familiar with the States know that New Jersey is NOT a desireable place to go, especially around philadelphia area.)

Arriving at a rough ghetto of town, his arse making stronger argument than ever, he pulled into a bar. A group of drunkards eyed him like zombies watching fresh meat, and he had to buy a drink for one in order to use the bathroom.

After exploding on the toilet, he realized there was no toilet paper. However, there was a shower curtain for the stall which he proceeded to tear off and whipe his arse with, leaving it there.

Moral of the story, fuck New Jersey.
(zyn (thetix), Wed 5 May 2004, 22:50, Reply)

Doesn't really count but it looked good...
My mate had a massive hangover and to cure it he had a bacon butty and a bottle of Frij chocolate milkshake. He couldnt hold it down and ended up throwing up in a bucket.
The contents of the bucket actually looked like a real dump! I honestly thought he threw up a log at first!
(Beaston, Wed 5 May 2004, 22:49, Reply)

Me and my mate
used to have competitions for who could break a megafart up in the most smaller farts. Although my pb of 24 was considered rather impressive by all roommates, my friend produced a series of 26 a little while later...
(sndmn, Wed 5 May 2004, 22:49, Reply)

Well if we're doing dog stories too, here's a slightly shit related dog story
I was over my brothers house, and his dog darts in from the garden and starts running around the living room like a lunatic, as it would often do, except this time me and my brother noticed something very large hanging out of it's arse.
It wasn't until it decided to stop and try to chew my shoe that we realised it was a large portion of football, which it must of previously eaten without anyone knowing, that it'd only managed to half shit out, and was trailing the rest behind it.
( StickFigureNinja is worried he may be on the list, Wed 5 May 2004, 22:48, Reply)

Hospital
I was in hospital once recovering from a broken foot and I was moved onto a ward with other ill peoples. Across from me was a man who was suffering with chronic constipation and according to him he hadn’t had a shit in weeks.
About a week later I was discharged, and as I was collecting my things together and a guy a few beds down from me started to have (what it looked like to me) a heart attack. Just then the bloke across from me started shouting the nurse saying that he needed a shit, but the bloke having a heart attack seemed more important to the medical establishment. Just as they all reached the dieing man, my constipated friend poked his hairy ass out of the bed and did a shite/blood/gunck-shit all over the floor, got back into bed a looked well chuffed with him self.
I went home that day a changed man.
And I have never been back into a hospital since.
( Mr Moo, Wed 5 May 2004, 22:45, Reply)

a few weeks ago
I ate an entire vegan pizza comprised of soy cheese, 'tamater sauce, and wheat crust.

Several hours later, I took a squeeze at a public john, and the fecal matter that resulted spanned across the water, measuring roughly 15 inches (no exaggeration) . It was probably the size of my entire large intestine, but was quite painless when leaving.

I also remember from my youth eating only the green coloured balls of an entire box of Trix cereal in one sitting. I shat green. I have actually tried it since but did not obtain the same results. Perhaps I was a diseased youth? Lurvely.
(zyn (thetix), Wed 5 May 2004, 22:44, Reply)

Went on vacation to Alberta last summer.
Not sure what it was i ate, but on returning home i began shitting streams of blood. Everytime i felt a fart coming on i had to run to the bathroom, as my anus simply could not contain the torrent of diarrhea and blood.
Told my doctor, and he said there was nothing he could do about it, but it wore off after a few weeks.

I still believe it was voodoo
( cheesemaster a screaming naked asian man driving a semi, Wed 5 May 2004, 22:43, Reply)

When I worked at McDonalds *spits*
someone once shat on the floor of the blokes toilet there, inside the cubicle too.
Thus followed a half hour long argument over who was going to clean it up.
( StickFigureNinja is worried he may be on the list, Wed 5 May 2004, 22:43, Reply)

Not exactly shit,
but when I was in grade school, I had to have an operation on my wee wee to stop urine from going backwards and drip into my epididymus (part of the balls).

Anyway, one of the antibiotics that they put me on turned my pee blue for two months. Every time I went to the bathroom, I wouldn't flush so that it would look like a really clean bowl (I don't know about you brits, but in America some public toilet water is blue from a certain type of cleaner).
(Armer Farmer, Wed 5 May 2004, 22:41, Reply)

ooh i thought of another one.
i was walking my dog, and suddenly felt the urge...

so i took cover and did a huge steaming poo. it was steaming cos it was winter.

my dog started eating it almost before it had completely departed from my body.

it was the most disgusting thing to watch. but watch i had to. he ate every bit of it.

he died a little while after that, caught some viurs, pulvo virus, probably from me.

ah well.. you know what they say... eat shit - and die.

be warned.
( Mortal Wombatteries not included - Awesome Awesome Awesome, Wed 5 May 2004, 22:41, Reply)

when i was a kid
my parents took me and my brother to a holiday camp. within minutes of arriving, my brother had laid a log so large that poor Armitage couldnt shift it.

Poor old mumsy had to slice it Ainsley style.
(UTB, Wed 5 May 2004, 22:39, Reply)

our jack russell
once got a jagged section of bone stuck sideways in his rectum. I had to go in, with rubber gloves, hold him backwards under one arm and pry it loose. It was like playing the bagpipes, only with a nicer sound.
( e.parsley, Wed 5 May 2004, 22:39, Reply)

Another one
(Am I a shitty person?)
Got constipated for a week, then when it finally arrived, it hurt so much my vision blurred and flipped when I was doing it.
( sprinkles ITS AN ISLAND, morron, Wed 5 May 2004, 22:38, Reply)

Doggy-doo
When we were kids my grandparent's dog ate my brother's new bouncy ball that they had just given him and my mum insisted that we search his poo a) to make sure it hadn't got stuck inside him and b) because it was new and ungrateful to not get it back. Why I had to be involved I never did figure out. Perhaps they just hated me.

It took FOUR long days!!!
( Jessie © needs pirate name suggestions, Wed 5 May 2004, 22:37, Reply)

Whilst at junior school
a few kids broke into the school one night and shit in all the teacher's desk draws.
( StickFigureNinja is worried he may be on the list, Wed 5 May 2004, 22:37, Reply)

i once spurted a fountain of liquid poo of such ferosisty
it covered the resteraunt toilet and the cistern and the wall behind it.

(i never actually sit down in communal toilets)

the worst part was, because i was so drunk, i took photos of the disaster area with my phone and then proudly showed them to my mother in law when i got back to the table.

i'm amazed i had such a steady hand to take such clear, yet revolting snaps.
( Mortal Wombatteries not included - Awesome Awesome Awesome, Wed 5 May 2004, 22:37, Reply)

another one,
shat in a hole at the side of an off road track, covered it up, and the next time I was there, saw a dog trying to uncover what was there - oops.....
( sprinkles ITS AN ISLAND, morron, Wed 5 May 2004, 22:37, Reply)

As some B3tans know,
I am a rather constipated person. My (unintentional) record was 3 and a half weeks.
Twas the single most painful event of my life.
It was shaped like a football (not a soccer ball, a football), and I had to actually go in and mash it up so it would flush.
It also caused me to vomit uncontrollably for some time, forcing me to sit in the bathtub, vomiying and shitting.
( cheesemaster a screaming naked asian man driving a semi, Wed 5 May 2004, 22:36, Reply)

about 6 years ago i had an incredibly nasty bout of food poisoning
just as i was recovering from it a friend held a a disco/party thing. I decided that since i was on the mend i'd turn up and see everyone again. About 2 hours in having drunk a vast quantity of coke i was feeling fairly gassy so i thought i'd let a sly one slip. unfortunately the sly one turned nasty and i ended up with crap dribbling down my legs... i got to the bathroom only to discover that there was no loo paper and so had to use my boxer shorts and attempt to flush them down the loo afterwards. i spent the rest of the evening hiding as i stank appalingly.
( lemony, Wed 5 May 2004, 22:36, Reply)

also,
woke up once with a cat shit at the end of my bed - not sure if that counts, though
( sprinkles ITS AN ISLAND, morron, Wed 5 May 2004, 22:35, Reply)

I drunk a lot of texaco hot chocolate,
farted eggy smells for a day, then went to fart again, and out came this foul smelling yellow stuff - thanks texaco!
( sprinkles ITS AN ISLAND, morron, Wed 5 May 2004, 22:34, Reply)

I think I might qualify.
I was playing Gran Turismo on an endurance race. I didn't want to move, as I was lazy and pulled my kaks down and shat on the floor. My ass itched like buggery for the rest of the match.

And a minute ago I went to the toilet and I farted and it splatted all over the side and a big chunk came out my bum and I was almost physically sick with the pressure.
( karatesausage, Wed 5 May 2004, 22:33, Reply)

Our dog
Once ate a bunch of elastic bands.... I don't think I need to finish this story
( OldWhit, Wed 5 May 2004, 22:32, Reply)

Well this QotW is going to be shit
BADUM TISH!


/badjoke
(alexnessie \o/., Wed 5 May 2004, 22:31, Reply)

I once did a poo that made me cry
yep.
(Mystery Woo Yay Boy, Wed 5 May 2004, 22:31, Reply)

Am i the first? yes! hoorah!
My favourite food is melted cheese, yet if I eat too much it gives me the shits, ending in many buttocks-clenched runs across french villages trying to find toilets.
( 0800221155 Coldseal windows, Wed 5 May 2004, 22:30, Reply)