What do David Beckham and Ayrton Senna have in common?
Neither of em can take a corner.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 20:17, Reply)

Kirsty Mccoll was planning on re-releasing her song "New England".
How prophetic the new version was

"I was 31 years when I wrote this song
I'm 32 now but I won't be for long".

Shit, that was crap.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 20:17, Reply)

Harold Shipman....Scouse Hero!!!!
breaking News...police have dug up more graves at the former home of harold Shipman. The bodies are believed to be of Afghan, iraqui and East European descent. A police spokesman believes that Mr Shipman may have been doing foreigners at the weekend....
The governer at Wakefield prison says that harold Shipman would be morely missed from the prison boxing team. The governer said "He had a fuckin' lethal jab....."
(foxystoat, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 20:13, Reply)

How do you circumcise a Redneck?
Punch his sister in the jaw
(syrtismajor is comfortably numb and has been worrying the populace since 1982, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 20:11, Reply)

whats the best
thing about sex with twenty seven year olds?

Theres twenty of them.

True Story, whilst in an Egyptian restaurant in Nottingham, a friend of mine pipes up with 'What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing she has been told twice' fine and funny except another friend of ours new girlfriend fled from the table in tears. She was on her first date since leaving her abusing husband of ten years who beat her daily.

Whats blue and fucks old people?

Hypothermia
( DrPoppers Touched by his noodly appendage, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 20:11, Reply)

Exceedingly good cakes.....
Little girl saw 2 dogs shagging, the little girl says"What are those 2 dogs doing, mummy?" Mummy, rushing for a politically correct answer says "erm..they're baking cakes".."I Know", little girl says " You and daddy were baking cakes last night because I licked the icing off the sofa....
(foxystoat, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 20:10, Reply)

Michael Jackson
The Police have raided Michael Jackson's house. They found class A drugs in the lounge, class b drugs in the kitchenand Class 5c in his bedroom!
Whats worse than getting Michael Jackson put your kids to bed?Getting Ian huntly to bath them first....
Newflash - michael Jackson attempts suicide by jumping into the sea. Coastguards find him bobbing up and down on a small buoy...
its a bit harsh Michael Jackson facing 10 years for having sex with kids...then again Christopher Reeve did get the electric chair for riding a horse...
(foxystoat, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 20:08, Reply)

I absolutely cringed when another b3tan told me this one
What's purple, stiff and makes women scream in the morning?

Cot Death.

One ticket to Hell please, Single

Oh, and if anyone's heard of the Aristocrats, I told a version involving double vaginal fisting, pissing and spitting menstrual blood to some random guy in a bar.
(Slyph, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 20:02, Reply)

Nasty
This guy walks into a brothel, and being a bit strapped for cashe, and damn horny, he walks up to the woman in charge and demands the cheapest whore in the place.

The woman, obviously feeling sorry for his shabby clothes, says "I'm really sorry but there's only really one girl I can give you but she has a slight medical issue.".

"Oh?" says the man, "Whats that?"

"Well!" says the woman, "She has a slight problem, in that she can't get lubricated down there".

The man, obviously desparate, says "I'll take her" and heads upstairs, into the prozzie's chamber.

He's shagging her for about a minute or so and he has to stop as it's tearing the skin right off his knob.

"Listen dear! Is there anything you can do? Maybe a little KY, a little vaseline, a little margerine even"

The woman pops off into the bathroom and comes back 10 minutes later.

They start again and this time it's the warmest, wettest, sweetest sex he's ever had

Lying on the bed afterwards he asked what she used.

"Nothing" said the woman, "I just picked the scabs and let the puss run"
( Dugs - The artist formerly known as Dugsybaws, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 20:01, Reply)

my first reply..
What's worse than ten dead babies hanging on a tree?
One dead baby hanging on ten trees
( Arnon Has anyone lurked more than me?, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 19:48, Reply)

sick joke
a Dyslexic man walks into a bra
(homochicken, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 19:47, Reply)

These two cause much offense here in America


That's the first one.

Number 2, which is really bad (but you have to visualise the ending):
There's a woman with a really smelly pussy, it's so bad that people in the street hold their noses. She goes to the doctor, and everyone in the waiting room is gagging at the fishy smell. The doctor gives her some antibiotics and tells her to come back a week later.
A week later, her pussy smells even worse so she goes back to the doctor. This time the doctor won't let her in his office and after asking the doctor what she should do, he tells her her only hope is to go to church and pray.
So she goes to the church, and she's praying that her fishy stinky pussy smell will go away when all of a sudden a six inch nails appears at her feet. "A miracle, it must be a sign" she thinks, so she looks up and there's jesus on his cross holding his nose.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 19:46, Reply)

What did the starving orphan with no arms and legs get for christmas?
Cancer.
( Newington, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 19:41, Reply)

what's the difference between a truckload of sand and a truckload of babies?
you can't unload the sand with a pitchfork.
(you FUCKING *BANG* BANG*BANG* AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 19:38, Reply)

what does it mean when you screw a girl so much that cum falls out of both ears?
the floors level
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 19:36, Reply)

whats the best thing about having sex with a six year old girl?
when you're done, you can turn her round and pretend shes a six year old boy!
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 19:33, Reply)

SMS Inbox - Thur 9th Sept 2004 19:21
S% Q{!T

/|Kd 4KKS? *&Re kj (owq safoq%5 #zs g'faga
J/sasa£ (dsffsS OKASS LQ @#E IAHlkj ~^£}

Sender: David Blunkett +442075554321
(AdrianJ, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 19:31, Reply)

My sister is a physiotherapist........

Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?


.........the wheelchair!

/sorry
(moomin-papa ; folkin class., Thu 9 Sep 2004, 19:28, Reply)

Two tramps, Bert and Frank, were talking about life in general,
when Bert asked Frank, "What's the best sex you've ever had?" Frank, with a sad look on his face, told Bert that he'd only had sex once, and then he went and accidentally stuck a pin in her and *POP!* that was the end of that.

Bert replied to this by telling Frank about the one time that he had been foraging for food by the railway line, when he saw this beautiful naked woman, just lying there, tied to the track. He quickly untied her, dragged her out of the path of an oncoming train and right there, right then, shagged the hell out of her.

"Wow," said Bert, "she was pretty fucking lucky. What did she say to you afterwards?"

"Dunno," said Frank, "I never found her head."
( Chrico is a bounder and a cad, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 19:25, Reply)

What is the smallest pub in England?
The Thalidomide Arms.
(thegripesofwrath, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 19:25, Reply)

"darling, I've dropped the baby in the bath"
"well take him out then"
"I can't, the water's too hot"
(stone the crows, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 19:24, Reply)

What did Helen Keller's parents do to punish her when she was a kid?
Rearrange the furniture
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 19:24, Reply)

for the yanks again
Why can't helen keller drive?

cos shes a woman
(gentleben, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 19:23, Reply)

Whats 3 feet high and sits at the end
of kids beds?

Gary Glitters boots.
( Gaz, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 19:19, Reply)

What's the best thing about the Russian school seige
In three years, all the survivors will be prostitutes.
( Bad Horsey Bring back Dr. Ubes Rub!, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 19:19, Reply)

did you hear about the joke
that was diagnosed with cancer...
(1, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 19:19, Reply)

What's black and blue and doesn't like blowjobs?
The five-year-old in the back of my van.
(Wong Fei-Hung - now with added flickr.com (see profile), Thu 9 Sep 2004, 19:19, Reply)

Whats silver, sits at the end of your bed and takes the
piss out of you?

A kidney dialysis machine.
( Gaz, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 19:18, Reply)

Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
So you can finish cumming in it's mouth.
(Marwood, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 19:18, Reply)