Not mine, but told me by a particularly racist person...
Q: What do you do when you see 100 dead arabs?
A: Laugh and reload!

Q: Why are there no arabs in Star Trek?
A: Because it's set in the future!

Q: What do you call a [person from Pakistan] with no arms or legs?
A: Trustworthy!

Like I said, he was kinda racist...
(Nothing to see, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:32, Reply)

Dead baby joke #24601
What's red, white, sits in the corner and screams?

A skinned baby rolled in salt!
(jamesthegill opens new tabs with his scroll wheel, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:31, Reply)

Where did the deaf, blind, retarded kid go on
his christmas vacation?
Heaven.
( cheesemaster a screaming naked asian man driving a semi, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:30, Reply)

whats sicker
than ten babies nailed to a tree?




one baby nailed to ten trees.
(ben_1903 www.crackout.tk, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:28, Reply)

again with the nasty!
what goes *plink plink fizz*?

two babies in an acid bath
(Wibbly Pig, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:27, Reply)

nasty!
probably already on here but i dont care!

what type of file turns a tiny hole into a huge hole in a matter of seconds?

a paedo-file!
(Wibbly Pig, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:26, Reply)

What do they call abortions in the Czech Republic?
A cancelled Czech.

*hides*
(Rev. Otana, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:24, Reply)

What's big, grey, sits at the end of the bed and takes the piss out of you all night?
A Kidney dialasis machine
(Rhinne, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:24, Reply)

I can't believe I'm about to post this...
But you did ask for sickest....

What's the best thing about shagging a 7-year-old-girl?

Turning her over and pretending she's a 7-year-old boy.

Disclaimer: I do not condone paedophilia in any way whatsoever. It's merely a sick joke - and fucking sick at that...
( kinell, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:20, Reply)

whats blue and orange
and is found on the bottom of a swiiming pool?

A baby with burst arm bands.

What's green and orange and is found on the bottom of a swimming pool?

the same baby a week later
( Mr. Street, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:18, Reply)

Ummm
Little Johnny misses a day at school.

He comes back the next day and the teacher asks why he was off.

"Sorry Miss," he replied, "Daddy got burned"

"Oh dear" says the teacher, "I do hope it wasn't serious"

"Well Miss, they don't fuck about at the crematorium"

First post for fecking yonks. I'll go back to lurking now, but I do love that joke.
( kinell, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:09, Reply)

that reminds me,
Leggy Dawn from Accounts storms into the HR office , crying and obviously upset. The HR woman asks her to calm down and explain the problem.

It's Dave, you know Dave from the mail room?

Errrm, no, I don't know Dave, I only came here last week. What's the problem with Dave?

Well, we were in the lift together and he said My, your hair smells lovely.

The HR person is puzzled.....erm..... so what's the problem?

The woman replies 'He's a fucking dwarf!
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:03, Reply)

The Elevator Joke...
A guy steps into an elevator and notices a nice looking girl is in it.
He leans over and says, "Can I smell your cunt?"

"Of course not!" she screams back at him.

"Oh - then it must be your feet" he replies.
( Art101 You all have an unhealthy and morbid fascination, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 20:51, Reply)

more babies! yay!
Q: What's red, sits in a corner and gradually shrinks?

A: A baby with a cheese grater!
(natal needs a vacation from vacationing, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 20:45, Reply)

Just plain terrible
Q: What did the deaf, blind, mute, quadraplegic kid get for christmas?
A: Cancer

Q: Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
A: She's a woman.

Q: How do you start a stampede in Mexico?
A: Roll a nickel down the street.
Q: How do you find the richest man in Mexico?
A: Find the guy who caught the nickel.

Ok. So a guy goes to Paris and his friends, who are locals, tell him that he has to go see this french whore who can give the greatest blowjob ever while singing the french national anthem.
So the guy goes to the hooker and she takes him inside, turns off the lights, and gives an amazing blowjob while singing the french national anthem.
When it's over, he asks her how she does it. She says it's a trade secret. He goes back again, and the same routine is followed. Lights go off, blow job begins, and it's followed by singing.
She still refuses to tell him, so he goes back one more time, and midway through the national anthem, he flicks on the lights and the whore runs out of the room screaming. All that is left is a glass eye on the table.

A man takes his grandson on a tour of his hometown. First they come to a cottage. The grandfather explains that he helped build that cottage with his own two hands. "But they don't call you a cottage builder in this town for that," the grandfather says.
Next, they come to a bridge, and the grandfather tells his grandson that he spent his entire junior year in high school helping to build that bridge. "But they don't call you a bridge builder in this town for that," the grandfather says.
A few minutes later, evidently in nostalgic thought, the grandfather almost thinks outloud, "But if you fuck a goat just one time..."

I'll just stop here.

Also, this almost made me wet myself. It's "The Aristocrats"!
(Armer Farmer, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 20:42, Reply)

Its Boxing day
And two best mates are comparing presents.

"What did you get?" asks one
"A lump of coal" says the other
"A lump of coal? Is that all? I got a Playstation, a new bike and a holliday to Florida!" exclamins the first boy.
"Yeah, but I didn't get leukemia" replies the second boy.
( mcdoof fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 20:39, Reply)

my brother used this one while working as a Dj with his mate
*interrupts music* *pumps up mic volume*

Hey Dave, don't joke about the holocaust my grandad died in a concentration camp

*pause* *crowd all looks round*

I'm sorry John, was he gassed?

*pause*

No Dave, he fell out of his machine gun tower!

*stunned silence from crowd*

*quickly puts music back on*
*never rehired*
(Mehitabel_Itrang, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 20:38, Reply)

Beslan-related joke.
Q. What's the difference between Scouse kids and Russian kids?

A. Scouse kids get slaughtered before they go to school.

hell please
(CerberaSpeedTwelve, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 20:36, Reply)

why do you wrap hamsters in carpet tape?

so they won't split when you fuck them.
( dotmund .co.uk, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 20:36, Reply)

What has got four legs and one arm ?
A pitbull at the playground.
( Wurst Puns Inc. Back in the future., Thu 9 Sep 2004, 20:32, Reply)

oops finally final
What do you get when a leper takes a hot bath?

bony porridge
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 9 Sep 2004, 20:28, Reply)

and finally...
Bloke is having a slash in the bog at work, notices a green ring round the base of his donger. He's slightly concerned and confides in a mate, who reassures him.

Don't worry mate, I had the same thing last week. Went for a piss, red ring round the base of my cock. I went to see my GP and he gave me some medical cream, 1 day later it's all gone and I'm fine.

The bloke asks to see the same doctor, and proceeds to show hime hte problem. the doctor says, I'm sorry- a green ring round the base of the cock is very bad, we shall have to amputate your manhood.

Bloke is distraught- 'But my friend came in here last week with a red ring round his cock last week and you gave him some cream and he was OK, why do I have to have my knob chopped off?

Doctor replies 'Ah yes, I remember. the problem is, in his case the red ring was lipstick, in your case it's gangrene.'
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 9 Sep 2004, 20:27, Reply)

what's blue and doesn't fit?
a dead epileptic
:
told to me by an epileptic who then faked a seizure in the middle of the pub, cunt
(Ant's in his pants, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 20:26, Reply)

What do Ayrton Senna and Freddy Mercury have in common?
They both died with blood on their helmets
(syrtismajor is comfortably numb and has been worrying the populace since 1982, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 20:24, Reply)

Bert and Mable
Bert and Mable are in the old peoples home. Bert says "I'm leaving you for Ivy cos she holds my willy all night. "
Mable replies "So do I!!!"
Bert replies "I know....but Ivy's got Parkinsons......"
(foxystoat, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 20:24, Reply)

jumping on the baby bandwagon-
What goes plink-plink-fizzz......

two babies in a vat of acid
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 9 Sep 2004, 20:22, Reply)

Master Bates...
If a woman is uncomfortable watching her partner wank , would you think A)you need more time together b) she's a fucking prude? or c) she should have sat somewhere else in the nursery.....
(foxystoat, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 20:22, Reply)

A 5-year old boy points to his dad's
willy in the bathroom and asks him what it is; the dad is slightly embarrassed and explains that it's a Rolls Royce. When his mum comes in to shower he points at her nether region and asks what that is if it's not a rolls royce- thinking on her feet and with freudian simplicity she calls it a garage.

Late at night, a thunderstorm starts, so the boy legs it into his parents' bedroom and asks to sleep in the bed. After a while the dad is frustrated and says 'move over son, I want to park my rolls royce in mum's garage.


Son replies- OK, just let me back my Mini out first.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 9 Sep 2004, 20:20, Reply)

Grave robbers.....
2 women walking home pissed from the boozer dying for a piss. Whilst walking through the graveyard they decide to answer the call of nature. Alas, our intrepid ladies have no toilet paper. One of the ladies uses her knickers to wipe herself with and throws them away. The other, trying to be move resourceful, finds a ribbon from a nearby wreath that had been left on a freshly made grave and uses that.

The next day, the husbands are talking. One says to the other "We better keep an eye on our 2 birds, mine came home last night with no knickers on" The other husband replies "you think that's bad? Mine came home with a card hanging out of her arsethat said "From all the lads at the station,we'll never forget you...."
(foxystoat, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 20:19, Reply)

Last night a 2 seater helicopter crashed into a graveyard...
Policce investigating the crime scene have so far found 269 corpses and think there are more on the way...
(Smitherz, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 20:18, Reply)