Stuff You've Overheard
My dad, on the way to the beach laden with deck chairs, towels etc passes a public toilet and says 'Oh, hang on, I have to go for a wee' to which my mom replies 'do you want me to hold anything?'

A passing man bursts out laughing.
(druidus, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 9:58, Reply)

In Canada last year
we visited a bear sanctuary at the top of a mountain. They were rearing 2 bear cubs in as close to natural environment as possible. After a presentation by one of the staff about the importance of them being raised in order to be relased and survive, one American (yep, again) asked "But do they do anything? Have you not taught them to do tricks?"
(Northern Blerk Have I been here before?, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 9:54, Reply)

My significant other
once overheard me farting:
"oh dear" makes sad face "what's that matter, hard day at work?"
it was a particularly mournful sqeaky/sighing fart from another room.
( KittyWaste lives at Sleepingplanet.com, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 9:53, Reply)

Sat in the pub next to Bond Street tube last week
(the Hog in the Pound) an elderly American woman came and asked my workmate where some road or other was. He, quite rightfully, being from Bristol, said "Sorry, I don't know I'm not from London"

She glared at him and abruptly said "Well you're sat here aren't you" and then shuffled off. Fuck knows what she meant but it made us laugh.
( pattwat, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 9:49, Reply)

not me but
mate who lives in chester.
yank: "i love these buildings, i just can't get enough of this mock tudor"
mate: "er, excuse me, that's real tudor"

stupid americans...
(sunny chiba, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 9:47, Reply)

Bleached wine.
While out for a nice romantic meal with my husband my attention was distracted somewhat by the loudmouthed bunch of tossers at the next table, one of whom I overheard saying 'I don't want to drink white wine, it's so artificial. Do you know how many chemicals they have to put in it to make it go white?'
I told my husband (who sells wine for a living) what it was that was diverting my attention away from him. He pissed himself laughing and said 'What, like Domestos?'
(whydobirdssuddenlyappear, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 9:45, Reply)

a couple of phone mishaps
not exactly a mishearing, but wrongly-sent text
messages are so much fun!

1. I once got a text from my friend, intended
for his girlfriend. It said "hey sexy, how's
the shopping going?". It's great having a name
beginning with A, people accidentally phone you
and text you all the time.

2. The other week I got a wrong-number text
message which said:
"If you don't go out with me tonight, Roger's
going to get it. You and me, Queens Park,
tonight, xxx"
I replied saying "I think you got the wrong
number", and got a further message which said:
"Fine, be that way"
(Mystery Woo Yay Boy, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 9:42, Reply)

unfortunately
I'm deaf and have never overheard anything.
( Cosmo Smallpiece Nickers Nackers Knockers, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 9:41, Reply)

Since laughing at Americans is now the order of the day...
I was watching the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace, and an American woman and her husband were standing next to me. She started reading aloud to her husband from her guidebook: "This redbrick palace was built in... But wait a second - those aren't red bricks! Are we at the right place?"
My girlfriend elbowed me hard in the ribs for laughing so loud.
( Biffins Bridge, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 9:36, Reply)

celebrity overhearing
I was once at a star-studded charity event,
and from my table, I overheard Jeremy Clarkson
talking to Paul McKenna. All I heard was
Jeremy saying:
"and it was undoubtedly THE WORST blowjob
I have EVER had".
(Mystery Woo Yay Boy, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 9:36, Reply)

Bus joke
"why did the pie leave early?"

"Dunno"

"Cos it was meat 'n' potato"

Made my journey to work fly by...
(kitfisto, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 9:31, Reply)

There seems to be quite a few stories about American tourists...
...so here's one that happened to a friend of mine a few years ago.

Him and his family were in Edinburgh when they overheard two Americans talking.

Yank No. 1 "Ah gee it's such an amazing castle"
Yank No. 2 "Yeah I know, just a shame they built it so close to the railway"
(Joons, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 9:28, Reply)

While in a dodgy pub in Weston Super-Mare (don't ask)
I was waiting at the bar and heard a (drunken) bloke complaining about people who have educations or have been to university all "acting clever and using fancy words to show off".
He then declared that he could be as "articulated as the next man" and then glared at the odd person next to him who had just snorted beer out of his nose.
( Zak McFlimby Twibbling @McFlimby, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 9:26, Reply)

Coming back from Singapore....
...to Heathrow last year, on a flight which lasted 14 hours, I was sitting next to two English ladies of a certain age, one of whom had never been to the other side of the world before. They were discussing between themselves how it could be that:

a) It took an hour or two less to go out than it did coming back, and
b) it was a different time in Singapore than it was at home.

They seemed to think they were time-travelling or something.

Anyway, having listened to this on and off for 12 hours (no exaggeration!) I politely interjected and explained that I couldn't help overhearing them and would like to explain it to them, being a physicist as I am.

5 minutes later, a quick explanation of the jetstream and the difference between absolute time and where the hands on the clock are pointing, and they were sorted. I left out relativity though....

I wish I'd explained it to them earlier. The inane conversation was doing my bloody head in!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 9:23, Reply)

americans
in Windsor... "gee this castle is nice. but why did they have to build it so close to the airport?"

also - my gf worked at a restaurant in a tiny village near Reading, called Hurst. Americans came to eat, and when told that there is a tunnel that connects the restaurant (which used to be the building the local Monks lived in) to the Norman church under the main road, said Americans reply - " well the road is rather dangerous with all the traffic coming around the corner".

they are right. it is a dangerous road.
(magictorch, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 9:19, Reply)

Stuff You've Overheard
I was once in a supermaket about 20 years ago when i heard a little girl giving her poor mother a hard time at the checkout because she wanted some smarties.
Girl: Mummy i want some smarties.

Mother: No your going to have your tea when you get home.

Girl: Well if you don't let me have some smarties i will tell everyone you were kissing Daddys willie when i got out of bed last night.

The mother promply went bright red and left the store and the shopping without paying.

The Moral of the story is don't give head when the kid can get out of bed.
(shorty, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 9:18, Reply)

One of my own
which other people must have overheard was when I was discussing allergies with my mate recently. I'd been taking antihistamines for hayfever and he commented that he doesn't get affected by it, except when driving by a field of oilseed rape. It wasn't so much the pollen that was the problem he said, more that he just thought the smell was particularly unpleasant.

Cue my response, just as everyone else in the room stopped talking simultaneously:

"Oh, I quite like the smell of rape!"

I had to spend the next few seconds referring to the agricultural crop in a loud voice.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 9:17, Reply)

I was in the ER...
Getting my head stapled together after a night of drunken stupidity involving a car, pavement, and an ambulance ride.

Anyway, I overheard the cop that responded when my friends called 911 talking to the paramedics while they put my staples in. "He's just young, dumb, and a little drunk, lucky he didn't break his damned neck."

He said practically the same thing to me, and told me that in the state of Idaho, it is not illegal to eject yourself from a moving vehicle. "It would seem stupid enough to deter most people."
(Floz sells fried objects, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 9:11, Reply)

can't help but overhear
my friend's gran who's hearing is going, so friendly advice whispered in your ear gets broadcast to the whole room, like

'DON'T GET FAT LIKE YOUR DAD', who was standing right next to me,

or muttering to herself while flicking through some of the more adult chanels on Sky

'IF I'D KNOWN ABOUT ORAL SEX BEFORE I GOT MARRIED I WOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN MARRIED'




I also overheard a fragment of a row between two blokes walking past me at the Ashton Court Festival several years back, with one of the blokes saying

"of for god's sake I can't take you anywhere!" then under his breath and slightly dispondently "not even up the arse"
(lankygingerfool, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 8:24, Reply)

Americans
I was in Hard Rock cafe in Edinburgh one evening with my good lady, and was sitting next to these 2 American couples. Now in typical obnoxious American Tourist style, they were talking rather loudly, about how shit Edinburgh was and how there was nothing to do in Scotland if you didnt like castles.

Cue the girlfriend, slamming down her cutlery, jumping up off her seat and screaming at the top of her voice "And this comes from a country with only about 200 years of history. Just keep your own f***ing opinions to yourself or f*** off home"

I was so proud :-)
( Dugs - The artist formerly known as Dugsybaws, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 8:24, Reply)

Americans
In Oxford there are swarms of American tourists, whose conversations, carried on at similar volume to a pneumatic drill, are easily overheard. Hence:

"Leicester? Leicester? For God's sake, it should be lie-sess-terrr!"

And, referring to a sign at my college warning visitors, "Do not feed the deer":

"What the hell? Do they let them starve?"

(In case you were wondering, they are fed proper, erm, deer food, rather than the sort of shit that dumbass American tourists would throw at them.)
(DoctorJ last upset some twat who doesn't like swearing on, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 8:16, Reply)

I run a voice chat server for my friends
most of it is passworded but it has an entry room that can be used by anyone. I logged in and found 2 guys chatting (who weren't anything to do with the game i play or members of my guild). Now i had to take the server down as the pc needed a reboot, i advised them that the server was closing but this was also a private server and asked them politly to leave.
they advised me that it was their server and promptly started calling me various names in Polish. bad choice of languages as i speak Polish (my wife is also Polish) so i again in english still not letting on that they had 30 seconds to leave, the abuse continued. I then answered them in Polish and called them various names and advised them their IPs would then be banned said goodbye and kicked there asses out of the server. The wife came in wondering why i had been swearing in Polish, I told her and she said aaww i missed the fun!!
( Plomien is Polish for flame, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 8:06, Reply)

Cucumbers
2 old ladies passed me on the street once, but all I heard was:

"One cucumber amongst thirty-five of them, Joyce"
(friday, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 7:57, Reply)

Oranges..
On the bus home, late 80s, in Coventry... packed upstairs, usual british silence and ignoring each other, apart from 2 schoolkids, chatting happily away, and one says..
"What's orange and round?"
"Dunno..."
"An Orange."

I appreciate that kind of crap joke and carried on listening to hear..
"What's orange and wears checked trousers?"
"Dunno..."
"Rupert the orange."

This is amusing, I think and continue to hear..
"Whats orange and hard?"
"Dunno..."
"An orange with a flick-knife."

and the entire top deck of the bus cracks up and these 2 small boys look around in astonishment....
(thebadangel, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 7:57, Reply)

A little game we used to play
More for people to overhear us, but my mates and I used to have a little game we called 'fithly bill'. Quite a simple game that I'm sure has many variations across the world.

1. Stand next to some benches in a crowded shopping centre, preferably next to some old folk resting their arthritic knees,

2. Use your mobile to call a mate (who should be in a different section, watching the action) and talk about the most filthy shit possible.

Examples:

"Do you reckon it's still illegal if I fuck her up the arse?"

"I've never seen a dog do that before - must have taken him years to train it. Surprised he didn't get it bitten off!"

"vomit makes awesome lubrication, try that next time she screams too loud"

"I can't believe how up for it she was! She must've only been 12, dirty little slut"

and so forth...
( gronkpan https://twitter.com/VomitingLarry, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 7:08, Reply)

Once in the 8th grade
I heard two girls talking about their misadventures in the new-found masturbation world.
the chat went something like that

1: "Yesterday I tried masturbating with a pickle"
2: "what, really? how was it?"
1: "burned like hell it did"
2: "who uses a pickle anyway? idiot"

that's about it
(Mondlicht, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 6:00, Reply)

Intimate details of other peoples sex lives you say?
If you live at student halls of residence, more often than not you arent just treated to the details, you actually hear other peoples sex lives as events unfold. That includes all the moaning, groaning, screaming, whimpering, squeaking and slurping you would associate with such activities. This can often be heard coming not just from adjacent rooms but above as well and in one case where it was a hot day and all windows were open, below and a little to the left.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 5:33, Reply)

:)
While at my first job (at Taco Bell!) I once saw a young child lead his mother down the path of frustration.
He asked the following simple quesiton: "Mommy, how much is a hundred?"
For the newt 10 minutes the mother tried (patiently at first) to explain that hits question made no sense. By the end of the ordeal she was practically shouting that the question made no sense, and was, I', fairly sure, on the verge of tears.
The sad thing is that instead of just laughing I spent the next hour trying to figure out how I would answer thee question.
(beren, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 5:12, Reply)

phonecall
not so much overheard but a random phonecall

about a year ago I recived a phone call, i picked up and it was a woman who was quite drunk singing quite out of tune love songs after a 5 min rendition she proceeded to tell me why, apparantly earlier that day someone had stopped her in the street and asked her to call paul and sing to him (note I am not paul) and had given her £100 quid for the favour, and as it might kack the realtionship up a bit she thought she ought to do it...
about 35 mins into the call i get the guy i live with to listen in and we giggle at another 20 mins of singing. and stories and how she is glad she called! interesting to say the least and great entertainment to say the least but a high prce tag! i just wish i had got it on tape... oh well till next time... and if it was you feel free to call again ;)
(Ajtag, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 4:38, Reply)

I once was walking behind some tourists
as they left Waverly train station in Edinburgh. For those that don't know the city, you come out of the station onto Princes street and are confronted with a magnificent view of the castle.

This particular evening, the castle looked resplendant in all it's floodlit glory - enough to bring a patriotic tear to even the most stony of Scottish hearts.

"That's the castle?" exclaimed one obviously dissapointed tourist, "It looks more like a building!"

I managed to suppress the urge to slap him over the head and draw a Venn diagram to illustrate the set of buildings and the subset of castles.
( Mystery_Bob, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 3:41, Reply)