disasterprone
fight! fight! fight!
(frankspencer, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 20:59, Reply)

Disater Prone
Thanks for the lovely reply. But I think I'll believe my own experience over someone who feels the need to be rude to people they don't know, thanks all the same.
( El Lazarus is calm now, Ish,, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 20:06, Reply)

very very young at the time
my little bro and I decided to make a little "theme park" for our Russian hamsters, bubble and squeak, this consisted of a record player merry go round, a hoover pipe tube slide, and a maze of books.
All was going well and the little hammies seemed to be having a good time, so we decided to put the record player onto the higher speed.

me and my bro were in hysterics watching them spin, until one flew off at high speed, straight into a wall.
rather dazed we put them back in the cage and decided to plead ignorance,
thankfully the little mite survived.

he also later survived getting stuck in the hoover pipe and being poked out with a stick,
and hamster sphering, well being sent down the stairs in his little ball.
(kellogg going slowly insane, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 19:45, Reply)

men fucking in a delivery truck
My friend and I were drunk and we decided we were going to take a truck. Theres no one in it so we walk up to it and she tries to open the door...it's not working so I try it and out of no where 2 men spring up off the floor or seat or somewhere so we leg it. On the way home we had to pee, walked through the construction site and went into a half built bank. Needless to say we painted the floor yellow.
( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 19:45, Reply)

School? Girlfriends? Parents? Farmers? ...Murderers?
OK...

At school (1999 / 2000? Was 16), it was during the dotcom boom or whatever. Anyway, a site was offering free domain names. I got one. It was the .co.uk version of my school's rather than their .com. Forums dedicated to teachers. Headmaster's council/gov email addy (those stupid *.ac.uk or *.gov.uk) linked into an anonymous formmail app.

Suspended. Twice.

Girlfriends - Told her I was gay to break up, promised to be best friends forever. Was so sorry, etc, etc.

Pulled her best friend 2 hours later.

Parents - Found pretty much roached joint in my inside pocket before schoool. Lost their rag. bigstyle.

Answer: Blamed big sister who borrowed my jacket the night before to walk the dog.

Farmers. Went camping one night when about 11 years old. Me and a load of mates. Barn full of hay bales. Great fun (the usual, jumping from on high, finding 'secret' passageways through them, slapping the rat poison packets at each other). Engine revs outside the barn. Huge shout 'expletive, expletive, balh blah blah - get outta that expletive barn'. leggit out the back. Running across fields at 4am with horses about to kill us as we run past. We see the jeep. It's the farmers brother. Convicted brother. Of murdering his wife. Am still running to this day.

Length? He used a tie.

(Book: The Law Killers - Name was James/Jim Wilkie.
(allywilson, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 18:10, Reply)

My Step Brother
Sold neurofen tablets with the N scratched off to kids at school telling them they were E's.

The school had a strict no drugs policy so the kids that bought them were expelled, however my step brother is still the only person I have ever come across to be suspended for FRAUD!
(Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez is seriously considering a shorter username, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 17:47, Reply)

Exam idiocy
One of the lads at school bragged to me about writing the following deliberately incorrect answers to exam questions:

Which mountain is it said in the Hebrew Bible where Moses received the Ten Commandments?
Correct answer: Mount Sinai
He answered: Mount Snowdon

Which football team shares it's name with a Greek hero and legendary king who plays an important role in Homer's Iliad?
Correct answer: Ajax
He answered: Tranmere Rovers

He failed and got bollocked. He thought he was cool, I thought he was a tit.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 17:03, Reply)

You probably had to be there....
I was about 15 at the time, a complete shit at school and wanted to be out in the big, bad world instead of sat in classes having to listen to talentless teachers who hadn't really got a clue. Every day i was involved in some sort of tomfoolery which inevitably ended up with me in detention/having to visit the headmaster or spending the lesson sat outside.

We'd been out for lunch one day and were sat in the formroom before the tutor came in to regisiter us for afternoon lessons. This usually lasted about 20 mins before sloping off to other lessons. One lad, who wasn't in our class, had a stash of porn in his bag, which gave me a wonderful idea. We selected a lovely japanese centrefold, wearing just ice-skates (WTF) and attached it to the old-school revolving blackboard behind the teacher's desk. The board was revolved to hide the said image, hoping that she'd later discover it. Everyone was in on it and we thought it would be ace - she was a proper fuddy-duddy.

The tutor walks in and sits down and starts taking the register, straight after, she asks each one of us to go up one by one in alphabetical order to check our parents' contact details. We had not expected this turn of events, but the first person went up and edged the board down very discretely - i felt nervous, as this wasn't the plan. This went on for about 10 minutes with all of us doing our bit. The skates were poking out of the top so one of the lads thought he'd be a bit more brave and expose a bit more flesh.

The picture was alsmost directly behind the tutor's head at this point. We were all trying not to laugh and hoping she wouldn't stand up and turn around. My heart was beating as I knew everyone would grass me up.

Just to make it that bit sweeter an OFSTED inspector walked in and sat right at the back of class. None of us could do a thing and the tutor hadn't got a clue - I wouldn't have done it if I'd known an inspector would walk in. We all sat there trying to to laugh at the quim-tastic ice-skater. We got such a bollocking the next day, but it was worth it and surprisingly enough, no-one grassed me up. Bonus.
(madamebonsoir, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 16:47, Reply)

more snorting stupidness
my teenage years were a wash with snorting silly things to shock/impress and audience. egged on by booze and spliffs i have at one time or another taken the following, oh remember kids its not big or clever in fact most of it is just down right stupid.

sherbert (the worst by quite a way)
chili powder & flakes
salt (which is worse than)
pepper
lime cordial
vodka
port (surprisingly nice if u like port)
sambuca (i now realise this was a waste of perfectly good alcohol)
aftershock
tortilla chip dust
cat nip
my own blood
(L0p3z, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 16:42, Reply)

Maths teacher
So we had this maths teacher when I was 13 - Lovely bloke by the name of Stan, about 6 months from retirement. Of course being a class of 13 year olds we were all little shits.

Stan tells us one day that OFSTED would be doing an inspection of our next lesson with him and could we all try to co-operate. Of course.

He always walks in, sits behind his desk and opens the draws before doing anything else. Every lesson. Here is our target spot.


The next lesson, the entire class lines up outside about 10 minutes early, Stan walks up with inspector, cue much "Good morning Sir" from everyone (NEVER happened before in our school) and Stan thinks he's on to a winner.

We all walk in and sit down quietly, Stan goes to his desk as normal and opens the draw to find:

3 copies of Mayfair (open at the centrepage)
Box of rubbers (not the school kind)
Vibrator
Gimp mask and leather gloves.


Cue much quick shutting of draw and flustering of said teacher, who then taught the entire lesson from memory without drawing anything on the board as he was too scared to get chalk out in case the inspector saw the contents of his desk!



Happy days.......


Length? I usually have to apologise for girth first...
(GlennQuagmire, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 14:41, Reply)

Lollylegs just reminded me of this
When I was at school there was a ‘standard’ rotation policy meaning that you would get a different teacher every year…Not for me, oh no. I had the same one every single cocking year in my secondary school.

Now that I think about it, it was probably because he was the only one that would put up with me, but hey-ho, it was a long time ago.

This teacher was imaginatively nicknamed ‘Stig’, not because he was a great driver like from Top Gear, but because he was a tramp, like ‘Stig Of The Dump’.

He was also a man of principles like insisting that there was no TV in his house, so that his children were not ‘dumbed down’. Of course, now I’m grown up I have some understanding for his actions but at the time, this led to massive bouts of piss-taking and abuse from the whole class.

We did the classics, like asking him if he had watched Eastenders every single day, writing ‘TWAT’ and an arrow on the blackboard above his chair, leaving freebie packets of shampoo / soap etc with ‘HINT’ written on it and so-on, but one thing sticks out particularly.

Because he wore the same clothes day in, day out (textbook teacher stuff, patches on the arms of his blazer, black cords), we decided to test his general cleanliness and covered his chair in chalk dust. Just chalk, not paint or anything. However, he had a white mark on his arse for 3 WEEKS! I mean, even sitting down regularly should have done some sort of a job wiping it off but apparently not. Filthy fucker

His chair then became the focal point for jokes at his expense. The ‘cushion’ part of the teacher’s chair could be lifted out so we would regularly do so. The thick bell-end fell through the resulting hole about 5 times before he started checking, and when he finally did start to check, we made tiny slits in the chair cushion and inserted a load of drawing pins in it for when he sat down. He wasn’t happy.

I also brought my brother's machete into school once to show off and got grassed up. Fortunately, I had a tip-off to the grass and managed to hide the machete, but forgot about the stash of my dad's porn I also had in my bag – DOH.

As I reflect on these actions, I come to the conclusion that I was a bit of a cunt at school, and all these years later, not much has changed.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 25 Jul 2007, 14:13, Reply)

Snorting sherbert does not cause your nose to froth.
We have spiked friends with sherbert, telling them it was coke, and what it does is burn the back of your nose end the tube connecting it to the roof of your mouth.

Don't talk rubbish.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 25 Jul 2007, 13:59, Reply)

Snorting Polos
We used to snort crushed up Polo mints in physics lesson, ostensibly to see if the teacher would notice if we were to really snort lines of gak from the scarred worktop, but in reality just because we were all fucking idiots. I mean, if he had noticed, what would we have said? What exactly were we trying to prove?

It sticks your nose together something rotten, we somewhat scientifically discovered. And snorting sherbet can make froth come out of your nose.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 13:25, Reply)

Not wanted in class...fine!
I had a maths teached called Mr Russel who was a slightly crusty individual, always with the remnants of his last meal on his tie and shirt, sometimes I'm sure it was more like the last three meals.

Sat in class one day and a frind used a big steel ruler to flip an eraser (I would say rubber but the merry cans would get confused) towards said teacher.

It must haave reached Mach 5 in the time it tok to travel the 15 feet or so towards the front of the class. Just before its rendezvous with Mr Russels head, he snapped around t oface the class and cought it slap bang in the middle of his forehead. A thoroughly amusing SLAP reverberated around the classroom and myself and my friends collapsed in tears of laughter as his forehead grew redder and redder.

I was quickly singled out as the instigator and even though I completely protested my innocence (and I was indeed innocent of the deed!) I was told to pick up my table and chair and go and sit outside of the classroom.

So I jammed my desk by the door but was so far back I couldnt read the blackboard. The buildings were single storey, with one whole side of the class being a large glass window. So, I picked up my desk, carried it outside and plonked it down outside the window where I could see the blackboard. Mr Russel pokes his head out of the window and asks what I think I am doing so I explain that I couldnt see the board from the back of the class and its much nicer out here in the sun anyway.

He let me get on with it, not wanting to encourage me further. Every class after that I moved my desk outside to the same spot on sunny days, or to the door on rainy days. He just let me get onwith it!
(indigo_prime, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 13:14, Reply)

Suicide Is Painless....
I know I've told this tale before - just can't remember where or when.

This wasn't a teenage shock thing. More of a drunken adult shock thing.

Many moons ago I lived in a small town near Manchester. For reasons I forget, I was in the pub one Saturday night and in a bad mood. I think Newcastle had lost or something. Anyway, one guy said:

"For fucks sake stop looking so miserable - or kill yourself"

And an idea was born.

So next night I was in the bar again and, again, I was looking miserable. Only this time I was putting it on and hamming up for all I was worth. Same guy rocks up and says:

"Jesus! - Will you just kill yourself so I don't have to look at your ugly face anymore"

And so I stood up. And, from the inside pocket of my jacket, pulled out a wickedly sharp blade.

"So you want me to kill myself? Always happy to oblige.." and I pulled the razor-sharp knife across the tight, white t-shirt I was wearing.

It was like watching purse being unzipped. As the knife dragged across my stomach the contents spilled out in a bloody mass. I dropped the knife, clutched my stomach and fell, first to my knees and then to the floor.

Panda-bloody-modium!!

There was people screaming, crying and, somewhere, I could hear someone being sick. It was all rather distant to me as I was concentrating very hard on not moving. Then, after about a minute, I couldn't help it anymore. I started laughing.

You see, what I'd actually done was prepare the whole stunt in advance. I'd got a load of offal from a mate who was a butcher. Minced some of it up ( I kept the intestines intact) and added a load of tomato ketchup mixed with water. Then I glued a bag onto my stomach and filled it with all this shit. T-Shirt was safety-pinned to my jeans to keep everything tight and I was ready to rock and roll. Only person who knew was the pub landlord.

Good gag and everyone was suitably impressed except for the police and the ambulance guys.

Cheers

"Rebel without a clue"
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 13:01, Reply)

qotw
me and my friends made our own republican army. . . . so we sat around with our kitchen knifes and skinned sticks and such for a few weeks until we moved on to bigger and brighter ideas. Petrol bombs. . . Thats right! so we went off with out challenge and raided the bottle bank, next we needed petrol (obviously) being farm kids all we had to hand was red diesel so that would have to do.

picture the scene. 4 kids in balaclavas bottles in hand attempting to light the slowest burning fuel ever!

anyway we moved on to take two. parafin! now this worked suprisingly well. que accident waiting to happen. lil dave. called this cause his name is dave and he was lil, attempts to throw his first and last petrol bomb. Arm goes back and pours the parrafin down his back immediately setting himself on fire!

now the drop and role technique tends not to work with parrafin soaked clothes as we learned to our cost. anyhow fire was put out by removal of the clothes and soaking with water in the nearby parlour prevented any real burning.

excuse to parents. . . . water fight. excluding the stentch of burning hair and pararafin and the hair cut i had to give lil dave. how we got away with it i shall never know.

apologies for length. said the gentleman :)
(norcomark CNUT abbreviation for CANUTE, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 12:25, Reply)

Poppers
Its been done a 1000 times before (or at least should have).

Back when we were in school, we used to get nasal inhalers, the type you get when you have a blocked nose from a cold. Open the things up and let them dry out overnight and then soak them in poppers.

It meant you could use them in school during lessons and if anyone questioned why you were red faced, eyes streaming and dizzy you could explain you had a terrible cold. Chemistry was so much more fun.
(grimmmy, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 12:15, Reply)

Third?
Below that fuckwit Apeloverage?

And beaten by Franks porn? (don't mind that too much).

Bah. Going to have to try harder. This year has been a busy one so don't get to write as much as I'd like to.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 11:47, Reply)

B3ta's top performers
I was a rebel when I was younger, but here's a list of who has had the most answers on best boards since January:

Apeloverage: 43
Frankspencer: 33
Legless: 23
Rachelswipe: 13
PJM: 11
Humpty: 9
Gleeballs: 8
Rakky: 7
Me: 7
(Fothermucker, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 11:45, Reply)

OK...
What just happened?

Tried to post my own story to find that the question was closed. (HumptyDumpty won by the way). Now, on looking again, the question is open.

Or I'm going senile. Knew it would happen one day...
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 11:41, Reply)

Gas trip
Message 2 below reminds me of something that happened to me when i was 15 or 16. I was sitting on my bed one day after school inhaling butane lighter fuel (as you do) to prize open the doors of madness. I knew it was working when i looked up at the poster of kate moss as she smiled down on me and said "see how long you can keep it in for".
I no longer use solvent based drugs.
(xwoody01, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 6:57, Reply)

In detention, again
for being cheeky to the German teacher. She foolishly left me alone. She liked to make herself a cup of coffee during lessons and had a kettle on the bench at the side of the room. Not knowing how long she'd be I quickly set to work on her kettle.Opening the plug I separated a few wires from the live and neutral cores and twisted them together.All that remained to be done was to switch the socket off and the kettle on; my trap was prepared. I put the word around so the incoming class knew the score. Apparently everyone watched with baited breath as she wandered over and clicked the switch. The resulting bang,flash and black smoke were, I'm told, rather good.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 6:45, Reply)

Page 3 walls
I covered my bedroom walls in all the pictures of page 3 girls, semi-naked bapsmistresses from Loaded and Maxim and London phone box 'this is me, honest' calling cards that I could get my grubby little hands on. It started out as a rebellious "I'll stick whatever the fuck I want on my walls" two fingers to my parents, but ended up as a terrible addiction. It really got to the point where I couldn't avoid bashing out a quick one at bedtime, even if I wanted to. It was as if Claudia Schiffer and Nell MacAndrew were expecting it of me.

My wall of pseudo-porn was taken down the day after seeing my first girlfriend's reaction to it.

Thanks for listening, I really feel like we've made some progress today.
(Fuiru Sting, where is thy death?, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 3:18, Reply)

Rant
When some twat on b3ta asks me to click 'I like this' for some reason totally unrelated to their (usually) shit story, I click 'ignore'.

Rebellious I know but at least I am no longer bothered by 'tards who don't have the ability to put together an interesting enough anecdote that will get voted onto the best page in it's own right.
(Creamy Discharge Freeze Motherstickers, this is a fuck up, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 2:47, Reply)

This is the story...
I used to enjoy hanging around after school as a teenager playing basketball with my buddies on the playground at the end of the day. This was great most the time, until that day where some twats came on and started harrassing us while we were having fun.
They started by taunting me as I made shots at the basket, jeering everytime I missed. I shrugged it off as normal behaviour. They continued over the week creating as much nuisance as possible with graffiti and intimidation etc. I dealt with it a lot from them for a while.
But soon enough it took on a more violent character. I was getting shoved around. Normally I back away, but this was simply not on, to come to where I was while enjoying myself and generally harrassing me. I then decided I had to stop this shit.

I got in one little fight and my Mom got scared
she said "You're moving with your auntie and your uncle in bel-air"

I whistled for a cab and when I came near,
The license plate said 'Fresh',
And had dice in the mirror,
If anything I could say that this cab was rare,
But I thought 'Nah, forget it - Yo, home to Bel-Air!'

I pulled up to the house at bout seven or eight,
I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo home, smell ya later!'
I looked at my kingdom,
I was finally there!
To sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air!

Yours sincerely,
W. Smith.
(I have a face also had a sig on, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 1:23, Reply)

Erm, well
I didn't really rebel.
I listened to Heavy Metal - so did my mum
I started listening to Black Metal - my mum loved Cradle of Filth
I started riding a motorbike - as does my dad
I went out on the lash to a night club when I was 15 - my mum "ok, but don't expect a lift after 2.30 am"

I'm 18 now and I'm a supervisor at Scummerfield (for now).
(moffatt, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 0:28, Reply)

Drama Major Rebel!!
A group of us who were the stagehands for the senior musical "Anything Goes" decided it applied to the note that the ship captain read.

I was not the one in charge of keeping said note ready to hand off.

It started off with just love notes, "Steve (name changed to protect the almost innocent) I want to make sweet love to you, feel your manhood in my love canal. See me after the show tonight. Love, Mike." We pasted in nawty pix from porn mags also.

Taking it a step further we ran out and got a condom and opened it, put a bit of shaving cream in it and taped it to the note and labeled it "Steve, tested it with your sister, it works. Use it tonight if you get lucky"

The last show we went all out and just before the note had to be handed off, Randall said "Kate, gimme your panties" which drew a lot of OMG's. Got worse when when I had to respond "I don't wear them". So he ended up using his own. hehehe

Knickerless rebels unite! yay!
( kitty minion Babies ate my dingo!, Tue 24 Jul 2007, 23:24, Reply)