judo suits
one day when I was very, VERY young, like nursery school young, my brothers decided to put me and my best friend (who was male) into their old judo suits and make us fight each other (this sounds dodgy). However, cause we were young and weak they didn't think any real damage would come from it... however, I got told to cross my arms, so I did, then, my friend proceeded to kick me in the vagina, and fuck me, it hurt.

that seriously taught me never, EVER to cross my arms when battling in judo suits.
(lei, Sun 29 Apr 2007, 20:23, Reply)

I'm not malicious, mostly, but sometimes if people get nasty they deserve suffering...
It was simple really - large car-park in Northwich, often full. I was behind one guy in a car who swung into the last disabled space. Given how hard it is to find /any/ space in this car park I was annoyed when I spotted him jump out and walk in a sprightly manner away from his motor.

I shouted out "scuse me mate - you know that's a disabled space? Do you have a badge?" He first told me that the disabled signs meant nowt because the M&S next door was being renovated - peculiar logic, so I pointed out the rather council-like nature of the car-park. So he just told me to fuck off and walked away laughing.

I parked, did my shopping. Only when I saw a rack of marker pens did my plot hatch...

I came back and his car was still there, cheerfully hogging the space. Nice, white car. Out came my new acquisition and with it I wrote on the back "Parked in a disabled space, no badge, told me to fuck off."

As he'd be returning towards the front of the car, he wouldn't see it. Quite possibly he'd park on his drive and still not see it. Maybe his wife would see it. But it was a strangely satisfying moment.

Later on I did discover a safer way to deal with this situation - just go up, with a concerned voice, and say "hey, I just noticed where you park, and maybe you made a genuine mistake, so I thought I'd warn you that they've been clamping like mad lately - three cars last time I was here!" They then thank you profusely for fooling them into parking somewhere less anti-social....
(clopinettes, Sun 29 Apr 2007, 19:13, Reply)

Kicking in.
Someone broke my guitar. Like, broke the next in two and there was chunks missing from the body..

So I kicked him in for it. Things just haven't been the same with my brother since...
(creem all over your face, Sun 29 Apr 2007, 19:05, Reply)

Satisying to say the least
In my 7th birthday party i took some mates of mine to Go Kids Go, a kind of big Wacky Warehouse.

We got there and did all the stuff little kids do. You know, hide and seek, tag etc.

After a while this other group of boys starts stopping us having our fun. Throwing balls at us, blocking corridors and hogging the main attraction, the Rocket.

This awsome machine proppelled a little boy all around the complex in a little yellow rocket.

Well they finally got off the thing and we finally had a chance to go on it. After we had gone round on it twice each, we left that particluar part and found our way blocked yet again by these assholes.

Well by that time we had had enough and a fight started out in this little corridor.

Cue my Dad coming along, looking at the carnage and the convosation continues thus:
DAD: Son, its time to go now
ME: Just a second Dad, we need to bea these guys up first.
DAD: Well dont take too long over it or we'll be late

Way to go Dad!

I apologise deeply for the length of this post, but i hope you like it.
(bushman, Sun 29 Apr 2007, 18:38, Reply)

That taught him
This story isnt about me, its about a girl who for the purposes of this answer we shall call boobies, (for that is roughly her name)

Anyway boobies is off abroad worshiping at the font of hedonism, somewhere in the former eastern block. Whilst there she dabbles her hand in many things including the odd spot of lesbianism.

All is well and good, however the girl that boobies dabbled with happens to be so taken with muff diving that she returns to blighty a new (if somewhat hairier*) woman. The only thing standing between her and a life time of pussy is her boyfriend.

So newly born lesbian using the powers of fiendish woman logic, concocts a plan with her best mate to relieve herself of boyfriend hassel free. Best friend proceeds to take boyfriend out to the pub get him rat arsed, she then falls on his sword gracefully.

everything falls in to place, Best friend informs lesbian that the dastedly dead has been performed, Lesbian prepares to dump incumbent boyfriend for crimes against monogamy.

however, when boyfriend comes round, flashbacks of the night beginning to pop into view. So distraught is he, he promptly writes a note to lesbian, jumps into his car and proceeds to get intimate with a tree at high speed.

that learnt him

Remember kids woman logic is potentially fatal.

*I do actually know fit lesbians, that shave. I also know a couple of hairy ones too
(KaiserPro captain arse rape, Sun 29 Apr 2007, 18:02, Reply)

Internet Cafe Porn Stalking
It amazes me how some peeps dont clear off their history after a spot of internet cafe surfing. Im sat in some dodgy little cafe just off Tottenham Court Road. Lets see... if I type in www.b, what options scroll down for me for the previously visited websites. Well, lots of big tits, busty vixens, and there's even a link that shows a woman getting it on with a donkey...

Now if I put in www.t, I get lots of links to nudie young girlies without any clothes on, and a particularly nasty pic of a nasty old trout doing something with a garden vegetable.

So, if you must sit in a public place surfing for porn, have the decency to delete the browser history...

... Just realised that the rather attractive Spanish girl who was sat next to me has now moved over to the other side of the room...

... bugger...
( SpankyHanky, Sun 29 Apr 2007, 17:54, Reply)

School bully, prison, ha!
When I was in school (portchester secondary if you’re interested) there was one kid who tormented me whenever he could, not violent stuff but enough to make me wish death upon him. One day whilst queuing for lunch he stood behind me and quietly unzipped my bag and then poured his can of coke into it.

Later on that day I was sat in a lesson with him and decided if he tried anything I was going to just kick him in the groin as hard as I could, soon enough he was telling all his friends how he was going to throw water onto my groin. He walked by me a couple of times and I knew it was only a matter of time before he did it so I waited for him to walk by again and took my compass and stabbed him in the back of the leg as hard as I could (I did feel like kicking him the groin too as he screamed in pain but tried to look as innocent possible instead)

He never did bother me again and I guess I taught him. About two or three years after leaving school I met up with an old school friend in London who happened to tell me that the bully ended up almost killing someone in a fight recently and was in prison.

Now that really will fucking teach him!
(Sub-Lingual Hates You, Sun 29 Apr 2007, 17:41, Reply)

Twatface McGee
Someone I was fantastic friends with at school left to live in Alabama when his mum married a redneck. As soon as he'd graduated, several years later, he came back to England and my mother let him live with us.

Three years had made me grow up a bit, but not him. Oh no. He went on a rampage of spending all the money he got loaned by everyone on drink and drugs, started a relationship with a good friend of mine before repeatedly cheating on her, and made an enemy of my fiancée by constantly reducing her to tears with chauvenistic, derogatory rants and threats.

So I kicked him on to the streets with nothing.

That'll teach him.
(Sparkytus is obviously not a golfer, Sun 29 Apr 2007, 13:02, Reply)

Leeds United have been relegated.
Well, that showed 'em!
(David Fishwick Minibus Sales - notmad.co.uk, Sun 29 Apr 2007, 12:19, Reply)

Sheet stealer gets a kicking
Many moons ago I went on a holiday arranged through my school to somewhere in the north (it could have been near Sheffield, I'm not sure, the North all looks the same to me) where you stay in one of those dorm type arrangements that all kids stay in at some point in the school life.

I'd been on the same holiday a few years before but by now my brother an sister were in the same school as me and we could all go together, a good excuse to get away from home for a week.

We got to our room and unpacked, chose beds and put sheets and pillow cases and whatnot on them and went downstairs for the welcome meeting. The kids in the room I was in were all quite annoying and talked until late at night keeping everyone up. Every morning I would get up, make my bed and head down for breakfast and when I'd come back upstairs I'd find me bed sheets pulled off the bed and all over the floor. Not wanting to cause trouble I duly made my bed again and headed out for badminton or basketball or swimming or whatever mind numbing 'fun' had been arranged for us.

And every time I came back to the room my sheets were on the floor and stupid annoying kids were giggling in the corner.

This went on for about three days before I finally went over the edge. I'd just finished remaking my bed for the umpteenth time when one of the kids who were still in the room thought it would be funny to pull the sheets off again while I was stood there.

He grabbed one corner of the duvet and pulled while I had the other corner in my hand. He yanked the quilt away and threw it on the floor and ran back to his bed tittering like a twat.

"That's it!!" thought I (with two exclamation marks) "I've had enough..." and chased him to the corner of the room and promptly floored him with one punch. While he was lying on the floor I put the boot in as well punctuating each kick with words.

"Don't... [kick] do... [kick] that... [kick kick] again!" As he looked up at me with tears in his eyes I felt a smug sense of satisfaction that he wouldn't mess with me again and he didn't. In fact I got a reputation after that for the rest of the week away as a bit of a nutter, which was nice.

The really shameful thing though is that this kid, along with the rest in the dorm, was in my brother's year at school which means that while I was about 16 he must have been only 13. Still, nothing more satisfying than giving a snotty 13 year old a good kicking, shame I can't get away with it now.
( Lazlo Woodbine Panowie!, Sun 29 Apr 2007, 10:45, Reply)

Ear twister
Many years ago, whilst attending year nine at a posh Grammer school we were occasionally forced to endure a semi retired, semi senile relief teacher when other teachers got sick. His main form of punishment consisted of ear twisting, and it bloody hurt too.

Our class room was on a second story and had a small ledge outside the window. We were also lucky enough to have a set of twins in our class that day.

A heavy school bag was placed on the ledge before class, and one of the twins avoided class, and we easily fooled the old twunt with the role call. The class attending twin then provided the teacher with an obvious ear twisting offence. Ear got twisted, twin announces suicide attempt, jumps out of window onto lower ledge, knocks bag off ledge and hides against wall. Non class attending twin removes bag into bushes and adopts "dead pose" beneath window.

Releif teacher runs downstairs to assess damage. Ground level twin returns to class via alternate stairwell, Twin on ledge climbs back in window. Teacher arrives at the scene of the suicide to find nothing. Looks up to a class of 20 or so 12/13 years old kids pissing themselves. The incident was never reported.
(JTR JTR, Sun 29 Apr 2007, 9:32, Reply)

Bully
A new lout moved into the dormitory and I quickly tired of his bellowing, beer-soaked noise. Everyone was afraid this bully - he was muscular and seemed violent - but I decided he was actually a wimp and someone had to teach him a lesson. "I'm going to kick his ass," I told my roommate, as I opened the door to confront the bully in the hallway.

Poor roommate! I didn't know that even the threat of violence could trigger an asthma attack. The sympathetic bully even helped us get my roommate into the car for the drive to the clinic.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Sun 29 Apr 2007, 4:46, Reply)

Inversion...
I was quite the brain at school, skipped a year ahead and performed very well in my matriculation. Coming from a difficult home-life, my teachers always took extra pains to stress just how successful they thought, nay expected, I could be. Contrived conversations speculating on my future earnings within earshot, little pep talks in the corridor, the lot.

I'm now a year out of university, having done a wanky arts degree as I had no idea what I really wanted to do with my life. I am now in an entry-level position in a customer-service for a big insurance company. While I could attempt to move laterally within the company and land a real office job, I have decided to save my pennies and concentrate on my rock'n'roll career any time I'm not at work, and resume smoking pot as it helps the creative process (and helps me put up with my job).

One day I hope to be touring with, and making money from, my band, living a transient life on the road.

That'll show those teachers!
(Angie the Redneck Wonder, Sun 29 Apr 2007, 3:49, Reply)

I am permanently in the red, smoke 20 a day and drink myself into a stupor most nights.



That'll learn em.
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Sun 29 Apr 2007, 3:38, Reply)

making an utter cunt have a wank over me
at the beginning of summer, 2 years ago i broke my arm. all of my mates were into skating at the time so i had a lot of time stuck at home doing nothing.

i'd just finished secondary school and i was a little shit. however there was a kid called alex who was even more of a shit. i won't bore you with the details of what a mug he was, but he was.

anyway, due to my boredom i set up a fake myspace account, put some photos up of a girl. to cut a long story short, i ended up luring him into sending me photos of him almost naked and got him to masturbate over me whilst talking on msn.

i did get a black eye soon after revealing my true identity, but it was worth it.
( oncedaily, Sat 28 Apr 2007, 22:40, Reply)

Not me but a mate
He got so tired of his then partner dragging him around clothes shops to watch her spending *entire afternoons* trying on stuff she was never going to buy "just in case she found something", that he decided to get his own back.

As the were walking past their local Waterstone's, he asked if they could "just pop in to see if there was anything he wanted". He then went around randombly picking books up, flicking through them, moving on to another, going back to a previous one. Within a few minutes, she was hanging around on the ends of the aisles, kicking her heels, sighing, asking how much longer he'd be, was he going to buy anything etc....i.e. all the things he got into trouble for doing when she was doing her "shopping".

Yet she never made the connection.
(lolwhites, Sat 28 Apr 2007, 22:00, Reply)

Who said romance is dead?
My family, one and all, never miss a chance to do me down. Apparently, I can't drive, don't know anything about bringing up kids, and will die lonely and miserable, because I don't know how to treat someone.

This goes double after splitting up with my first wife. Their reaction was, mainly, "Told you so!"

So... I found the truly lovely Pink Goddess, and we're going to be happy together forever. That'll show them!
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Sat 28 Apr 2007, 21:50, Reply)

I thought the QOTW was shit
so I flooded the board with loads of dreadful puns, denying anyone with a decent story the chance to get any notice! Haaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha (etc.)
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 28 Apr 2007, 21:43, Reply)

Uni days again...
Seems University was the place to be a right bastard..

In my second year six of us shared a house on campus, first twunt Billy Nomates got up everybodies fucking nose so I took great pleasure in washing my anus and willy with his bar of soap he kindly left in the shower!

Then there was food thief Alan, stuff that lasted me a month in the first year consumed within a week!

Fresh delivery of cheap supermarket brands deftly doctored with laxative worked a treat, he moved out after 3 weeks of shitting himself inside out!

Oink!
(Mr Pig, Sat 28 Apr 2007, 20:24, Reply)

make them cry
I have the gift to just let lose and tell people every thing I think is bad about them when i'm upset with someone

in my old school there justed to be a pond and thins little kid was pissing about annoying me like hell so I started pushing him about this went on for about 2weeks ween I could tell he was just as pissed off with me as I was with him, him being about 7years old he started to break half crying so the inevitable happened just to show him not to piss with me I pick him up and trow him in the pond headfirst he has had enough standing with water up the neck crying hysterically waving his arm around half the school laughing at him I'm getting all the glory

I finished what he started.

Brad, if your still around I don't regret a thing I bet you do
(DeTimmy you'd better be sorry!!, Sat 28 Apr 2007, 19:49, Reply)

I knew a guy
who used to be one of Siamese/conjoined twins, fused at the spine. Eventually they were successfully separated in an operation.

And that's how he got his own back.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 28 Apr 2007, 17:58, Reply)

another childhood one
my little bro and I fought over e v e r y t h i n g - pencils, seats, who got the bigger half [we were more idiot than savant]
But as he got bigger, I had to replace combat with cunning...

After he'd done something particularly infuriating - can't remember what - while he was sleeping, I painted his fingernails in bright pink nailvarnish :D
In the usual rush to get to school in the morning, nothing was noticed, and just he's about to get out of the car and join his 10 year old pals I remarked on his pretty hands. Cue wailing, gnashing and desperate eating of nailvarnish.

Ma gave me a right old hiding, but I got my revenge on her 3 years later when I gave little bro his first joint at the tender age of 13 (to stop him telling on me!)
12 years later he's still a big fan of dope and we get along much better!



Length? Guys, the older I get the more important it becomes
(parker larkin is an experiment, Sat 28 Apr 2007, 16:33, Reply)

those bitches
i was just minding my own business cleaning the puke with my saw dust when these two girls came up to me and asked me what i was doing "cleaning up one of your little friend's sick" i said.

they pointed and laughed, "ahahahahahahahah" they said.

they never laughed at anyone again.

Regards
I.Huntley
(bacneman, Sat 28 Apr 2007, 16:25, Reply)

dodgy jaccuzi water
I used to live in this block of flats where there was a small leisure centre - swimming pool, sauna, jaccuzi, gym, that posh crap. Anyway.. after a nice swim, it was usually custom to get in the jaccuzi and chill out. Me and my mate swam up and down waiting though, because this huge group of gits, half of whom don't even live there, are hogging it, and have been for about 45 minutes, in spite of the sign above it saying "please do not spend more than 10 minutes at a time in the jaccuzi, if people are waiting". On and on it went. "fuck this", my mate says, and fucks off to the sauna. Shortly later, I join him. He commences ranting about said group of people, but I was quick to silence him.

"yeah, I just got in with them actually. joke's on them though. I pissed in it".
(MeteoriK, Sat 28 Apr 2007, 15:28, Reply)

Don't get even. Get odder.
Story 1: Gary Glitter
A mate of mine discovered her long term bf had been cheating on her, so secretly she made plans to move out, taking her stuff with her. Just before she left though, she took her uber-revenge with his clothes. She didn't take her scissors through them like most angsty wenches would. Oh no. She upgraded. She'd been round to the art shop and picked up a huge tub of glitter and doused all his clothes in it.

Several years later, her ex, now dubbed "Gary" still has a certain shine about him...

***

Story 2: Don't feck with me. Ever again.

Last year I shared a student house with a friend and three random foreign students. Two of these students were from China with worse English than my Mandarin. That made coordinating housework tricky, fair enough. But after four months of me and my mate doing all the cleaning and admin, while they left the kitchen in an absolute mess (rotting eggs, chicken carcasses, massive amounts of stale food and booze, fag ends everywhere) and the bathroom covered with hair from their DIY haircuts, pubes, unflushed shite, and once a huge puddle of piss that I slipped in and aggravated a back injury my patience wore thin.

OK, this QOTW isn't about housemates from hell so I'll get to their learning experience. One day, I snapped. Over the remainder of the year I:

*Continually salted their food and milk (which would be placed in the airing cupboard overnight hehehe)
*Hid important looking mail
*Let down their car's tyres
*Shoved a potato in said car's exhaust
*Pubed their soap
*Pubed their food
*Put chilli powder in their mouthwash, shampoo and shower gel
*Pretended to have loud, kinky gay sex with my housemate and then left a tub of vaseline dabbed with peanut butter on the kitchen table. I also left "used" condoms similarly coated with a touch of peanut butter on the kitchen bin
*Started whipping/being whipped on the arse by my friend on the communal stairwell
*Invited friends over for group "stretching" sessions. The look on filthyhousemates' faces when they saw six rugby playing taffs meditating and humming in the corridor was priceless
*Gatecrashed their bible study group in my underpants and started chatting up the sinister minister.
*Left half a dozen plastic tubes from the lab half filled with apple juice labelled with people's names (e.g. Mr. Jones c/o Dr. Evans) in the fridge
*Coated designated seats in the kitchen with itching powder

And finally:
*Rubbed their toothbrushes in their shitridden toilet brush.

Did they learn? Don't know, don't care. I'm not sure made sense as it must have been a hypermindfuck at times for them. But it made me feel lots better after suffering months of cuntishness. And that's all that matters in the end, my friends.

Length? Never apologise for your length, gentlemen.
(mochyn, Sat 28 Apr 2007, 15:02, Reply)

One little change makes all the difference
My mate was a politico and he had just been elected as a councillor in a by-election a few months before the real across the board election. Now my job at the time was to write and design and organise the printing of the election leaflets for a particular political Party. It was with great joy in a week when he had pissed me off beyod belief over a girl that i was given the task of printing his leaflets for his re-election campaign.

He wrote something rather bland (just as politicians have learnt for generations to maximise their appeal): "Since being elected 6 months ago, X has worked hard for the community as a whole. Those of you who have met X will already know this"

I spotted my chance. After he had got his correctly printed leaflets I created a few extra ones - exactly the same leaflet except for a single change to each one. I crumpled them all up and waited until he had got the (correct) leaflets all delivered through the doors and I could spring my revenge.

I went out and found him up a lamp-post putting up posters. "Oh my god" I feigned horror "have you got all those leaflets out? Fuck me - I hope not - there's a terrible mistake!"

He looked at me in horror - and I handed him the modified leaflet. Now it read:"Since being elected 6 months ago, X has worked hard for the community as a whore. Those of you who have met X will already know this".

A look of abject fear passed over his face - his future political career was over. He looked at me as he dropped his ladders at his feet in shock and asked pathetically: "Should I put an advert in the Courier to say I'm no a whore?"

I left him there; I was so pleased with my coup. I was still smiling when he phoned me at 4am later that night to berate me for my trick when he'd got home at last after a night in the pub bemoaning his fate and had drunkenly checked one of the real leaflets and realised my trick.

Length? it was only a single letter - hardly long at all. But such a hard (mind) fuck!

PS Good luck next week Graeme with your latest election - I forgiven you now many years later - and this time I've not fucked anything up for you at all - if you lose it's all your own fault mate!
(beaverwastemanagement a real company. I want to work for them!, Sat 28 Apr 2007, 14:52, Reply)

Shit job...
I'm a web designer for a poxy little company in the north. Our clients are generally a) retarded b) cunts.

I always make sure I take a half a shit just before they arrive for meetings, and the other half just as the meeting is ending.

We have one toilet.

It pleases me no end to think these bastards are breathing in into their lungs, tiny shit particles that have been up my arse.
(tinpixel, Sat 28 Apr 2007, 14:23, Reply)

I'm a bit of a pansy...
so attracted bullies like flies around shit when I was at school.

This one guy in particular never left me alone, always tormenting me. One day, at school I lost one of my milk teeth and was fascinated by the red grissle lodged inside.
I was sat in a French lesson, poking around inside the tooth with a compass (pair of compasses, whatever) when I felt a sharp pain in my leg. The cnut had pulled a thorn from the bush outside the window and stabbed me. I ignored it the only way a victim can. A plan formed.
Again I felt him stab me, so using all my strength, plunged the compass needle into his thigh. The fact it'd been inside my tooth made it even more satisfying and he didn't bother me for the rest of the day. And then I got my sisters friends to beat him up. Fucksmudge deserved it.
(scissorman, Sat 28 Apr 2007, 14:21, Reply)