Chavs down the road, i'm sure you can relate to this
There is one particular chav that happens to live on a council estate rather near to me and he likes (or should I say liked) to throw stones at me and generally be a todger.

So naturally the other day, when i saw him showing off sliding down a banister rail at school, i stuck around.

Now i was planning to find a large, sharp and heavy object in his motion path but the heavens did the job for me as he slipped and fell flat on his face.

He rolled over crying and bleeding, nose completely fucked. I couldn't help but grab this opportunity by the collar.

Cue a video I rather like of a dickhead chav who thinks he is hard crying and bleeding being shown to people all over the school on my phone.

He has left me alone ever since.

I am evil for doing this but the therapeutic feelings of humiliating a nemesis bring overwhelming temptation.

Length? (Insert overused and un-amusing length joke here)
(Ketzer Miller, Fri 27 Apr 2007, 17:30, Reply)

To all the school bullies...
...all the cow-irkers who took the piss out of me
... everyone who ever looked down on me
... the psycho ex-GF's

Hello, I'm doing fine and I'm happy.

The only time I devote any time to thinking of you is when I read B3ta QOTW and think "yeah, I know a cranberry like that... oh well"

My revenge is to make you irrelevant to me. Learn this lesson well: you do not matter.
( Argh-wrath ... is a very lame Glorantha joke, Fri 27 Apr 2007, 17:17, Reply)

Pint of piss
Whilst studying in france several years ago the accomodation I stayed in had a communal kitchen and individual flats. Anything, and I mean anything that my flatmate or I left in the fridge would disappear in a matter of minutes thanks to a greasy frenchman living in the other flat on our floor. Milk, cheese, half a lasagne, absolutely anything not nailed down. The final straw came when he stole an entire crate of lager wholesale out of the fridge. So, to teach our garlic munching friend a lesson I drank a whole carton of apple juice, pissed in the empty carton and left it in the fridge. Went back two hours later, no more apple juice. Things still went missing but it didn't annoy me as much after that.....
(longpod, Fri 27 Apr 2007, 17:07, Reply)

"hey frogservo, check and see if it's still fresh!"


i'm still trying to figure out if my parents are brilliant disciplinarians or evil geniuses.

probably a bit of both.
(deilbfe6ogcshnbcryjh, Fri 27 Apr 2007, 16:58, Reply)

The surprise O!
My highschool girlfriend went away to college, and since I hated my classes, I dropped out and followed her up on her offer: “You can stay with me in my apartment—don’t worry about rent. Everything will be great!” I took her word for it, and packed my things. I was young, inexperienced, and I had it bad for the girl, and I thought she felt the same. After four days of driving, I arrived, only to find that she’d been screwing other guys, and hadn’t been spending many nights at her place. I moved in anyway, thinking I was man enough to change her ways. Was I wrong--she had become a slut, and there was no return. I still had her apartment, though we didn’t hang out much. She’d stop by every so often to pick up some of her things, and then leave. I was tolerant at first, but after three months of this, I’d had enough, and I was ready for the incident that ended it. She busted in without a word and slinked into the kitchen.
“What are you doing?” sez I, to which she replied, “Getting a spoon for my icecream.”
“Don’t you think you should call and let me know when you’re coming over?” I asked.
“No,” She replied, coldly, “Most of this stuff is mine, anyway.”
That did it. I sprung up, throttled her, grabbed her pint of icecream, and jammed it into her face. She cringed back, slamming her head into the wall; Vanilla Swiss Almond dripping down her face in sploogesque rivules. Her mouth became an “O” of disbelief, and she turned and stumbled out the door.
I was history.
( Frizbeast Flipper Baby, Fri 27 Apr 2007, 16:39, Reply)

Vengeful rodents
Ex-Mrs PJM owned a veritable menagerie of furry (and scaly) animals from the time we started dating onward.

Now, although she took pet ownership to extremes of battyness I do have a soft spot for most furry creatures. However, her resident rodents were apparently extremely put out that I was depriving them of their owners attention and conspired against me.

Firstly, there was the cage biting. Two sodding gerbils sharpening their teeth all night long was enough to drive me crackers, I tried everything to get them to do it quietly but to no avail. They took more direct action when I was invited to handle the deceptive little critters, who seemed harmless enough until one climbed into my shirt pocket, looked up at me evilly and peed.

However it was the hamster who caused the most anguish. Fluffy and dopey, he'd sit in his cage and watch me, waiting for me to reward him with a treat or the innards of a bog roll to chew. Again, he seemed perfectly harmless but he was quietly scheming and waiting to make his move...

Cue one particularly warm afternoon, further livened up by lots of horizontal passing of time which required me to dispense with my clothing. Lying there post nooky, the silence was wrecked when the gerbils started their incessent nibbling which prompted me to get up and walk toward the cages in a vain attempt to bribe them to be quiet with pumpkin seeds. I hadn't banked on them formulating the most cunning and downright dastardly of plans however, as while I reached up to the taller cages to feed the gerbils, Hamster was ready to pounce.

"Aaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh! YoufurrylittleCUNT!"

The vicious little fecker leaned through the bars and plunged his half inch long fangs right into the end of my knob.

Sure as hell showed me, I wish I'd taken the hint.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 27 Apr 2007, 16:35, Reply)

Special chocolate dessert
My brother used to eat any decent food before I could get to it. One day, 4x chocolate desserts in plastic pots were bought and within a couple of hours he'd eaten three of them. Knowing he would go for the fourth, I ate it myself having carefully removed the lid.
I stuffed the empty pot with bog paper I'd just wiped my arse on, then glued the lid back on with superglue and replaced the pot in the fridge. Sure enough, within 20 minutes he'd made off with it to his room to eat, and I was rewarded with a loud cry of disgust at the contents of the pot.
(knirirr, Fri 27 Apr 2007, 16:19, Reply)

Response to the German Look
For those who prefer not to end up with a mouthful of puabs - a line form Will and Grace had me in stiches- which if said to me I wouldn't take offence to..

Makauly Culkin throws a few notes at Karen and tell her to get a bikini wax as

'he prefers a clean workspace'

Still makes me laugh now!
(audreyforbes audreyforbes, Fri 27 Apr 2007, 16:08, Reply)

My girlfriend
My girlfriend nagged me for years about getting married, and kept saying it was the only way to show my commitment to her and that I really loved her. B3tard's, I married her.

And now she has to live with my rancid sub-duvet farts, my nose-picking, my dirty pants behind the bathroom door and my nightly requests for sexual intercourse.

Welcome to love and commitment, my sweet!
(Fothermucker, Fri 27 Apr 2007, 16:05, Reply)

hahahahaha
when I was about 16 (12yrs ago) my friend and I were both madly in love with the same lass.

She chose him, which was fair enough, but I spent the whole 12 months they were together shagging her brains out on the sly.

that taught hi.....oh no hang on, that just makes me a shit doesnt it?
(UnstableDan Bah, Humbug! ooooh, humbugs, nyom!, Fri 27 Apr 2007, 15:32, Reply)

Sandcastle jumping
My brother and I saw some kids who were jumping on much younger Children's sandcastles at the beach...
Our response was to build a beautiful sandcastle over the top of the shit that the beach's donkey had left near the shore - then sit back and wait for the barefoot bullies to jump on the sandcastle and get themselves covered in shite!
(h3llo, Fri 27 Apr 2007, 15:19, Reply)

Christ...
after reading all of these stories remind me to never, ever do something that will even come close to upsetting/annoying/revealing my existance to a b3tard!

or I'll teach you a lesson
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 27 Apr 2007, 15:17, Reply)

Teach with Violence
Lucie and I were at a club a few years ago in a not-entirely sober state. We went off to the toilets - I opened the main door and was sworn at by a cretin who had chosen to sit behind the door and abuse all those who accidentally hit her as they came in. Unusually for me, I didn't respond at the time - after several beers I had more pressing things to attend to.

However, after hearing her have a pop at several others, Lucie and I exchanged glances on the way out and then ran the door into her as hard as possible. And did it again. And again. And then proceeeded to crush her until she cried.

Brute force and cruelty are the best way to teach lessons to others. They learn, we laugh, it's all over.
( thealternativefact, Fri 27 Apr 2007, 15:14, Reply)

Not me...
...but three wonderful members of that amazingly cunning species known as the Pony.

Pony A:

I used to work in a riding school which had a competition yard attached, and there was one girl who, having started off in the riding school, ended up working on the competition yard, where she swiftly became a tad cocky. Now Pony A was a decrepit old bird who couldn't eat solid food and kicked like the devil, but was a good beginners pony and we loved her anyway. Competition yard brat had to do a day on the riding school yard, and by then thought she knew it all.

Grooming Pony A, stood directly behind her to do her tail - you tend to learn three paces onto the yard *never* to do this.

Pony A, smooth as you like, lamps her neatly on the shin, leaving a hoof-shaped bruise.

Pony A got polos in her dinner, which I may or may not have had something to do with :)

*************************

Pony B:

Pretty much a younger version of Pony A, ie tolerated all kinds of abuse from child beginners. Trotting merrily round the indoor arena, carrying a child that had thus far spent 40 minutes screaming in her ear, Pony B drops left shoulder, deposits screaming child on the ground, and trots happily to the back of the ride. Child was never seen again.

Pony B swiftly recieved a polo from the instructor of the lesson, no less.

*********************

Pony C: My favourite.

First day in a new job at another riding school, and it took me all of five minutes to realise that my new manager was a bitch on a power-trip.

Heard a lot about Pony C (let's call him Henry for the sake of b3ta-style anonymity) throughout the morning, and there came a point where all the ponies were in except Henry, who has a reputation for being quite the little shit. Cue me being handed a tiny headcollar (Shetland size) and the words "You can get Henry".

Henry was at the bottom of the pony field (good 1/3 mile walk), and matters were distinctly unhelped by turning round halfway down to see my new manager watching expectantly.

Came across a fat hairy pony at the bottom who, admittedly, looked every inch the little shit. Had I been wearing my glasses, I was later informed I would have seen a sickeningly smug grin on said manager's face...



...which I imagine disappeared rather swiftly as Henry walked back to the gate with me (without a headcollar), went through the gate quietly and steadfastly refused all provocation to play me up. This was made all the more satisfying by the fact that, for the whole of the four months I worked there, he took great delight in playing my manager up (especially in kids lessons), then being sweetness and light the minute I showed up - never met any pony since with such an evil sense of humour.



I maintain to this day that ponies are of superior intelligence - especially those three. Complete legends the lot of them!

Length? I wouldn't know.
(BrokenMatchstick is harbouring a dangerous amount of phosphorus., Fri 27 Apr 2007, 14:58, Reply)

This may seem wrong
What I am about to tell you may show me in a very bad light. Since this event, I have in fact had a major life change, so I am in fact a different person. I am not evil any more, well not very evil.

I had a break down and as I was sort of recovering I bumped into an ex girlfriend from way back. she said I looked pretty awful, as one does when one is in such a situation. we got chatting and chatting turned to kissing, you get the idea.

We had split up because of her infidelity, I seemed to forget this.

"Lets get back together" she said, "we never had a real chance because of what happened."
so we did. I should have learned first time that she craved cock.

She cheated on me with my best friend.

I rushed to the clap clinic to be checked out and told her that I had done so.

I was totally clear as you would expect. So how did I make her scream? You should have heard the phone call.

"Hi, its me. This is serious. I had my results back and the HIV check is inconclusive. I have to have one more check, but things don't look good... I have to go"

I did not speak to her again after that.
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Fri 27 Apr 2007, 14:56, Reply)

Another milk related revenge
Had a weird housemate at university who was annoying beyond all belief. As retaliation i used to fart in his milk and yes i always made sure the cold glassy rim of the bottle always touched my rim

Click i like this because you can imagine it making a whistling noise if the bottle was at the right angle!
(superfly78, Fri 27 Apr 2007, 14:47, Reply)

The German Look
I've always had trouble telling women they need to shave back the muff, and this one bird who i was seeing had the biggest nastiest Rat you have ever seen, (i'm sure she was hiding food in it).

Every time i went for a fishy dive i was picking hair out my teeth for days after.

So one day i was trimming back the old scrote when i hit on the idea of leaving the fresh trimmed hair down there, wedged under the foreskin.

Lil uncomfortable, but she soon learnt her lesson, lights off, she goes for the blow fuck and ends up with a mouth full of Pubii.

I remeber she offered to shave me after, with a hedgetrimmer if i recall, still she had a gammy eye and two different size tits.
( two_hats_shakir is going break dancing after his tea, Fri 27 Apr 2007, 14:42, Reply)

I have a bit of a temper. And they knew it!
Every week without fail, there was one chap who couldn't walk past my desk without hitting me round the head with a big fuck-off German dictionary.

Funnily enough, the teacher never ever noticed this, but when I'd had enough and jumped up and beat seven shades out of him I was the one who ended up outside the headmaster's office.

That fucking showed him!

Another chap, was winding me up once about something I can't remember. I'd had enough so I threw a table at him. As a result I was excluded for three days!

HAHA! He never did that again.

Sixteen years on, I can still remember every one of your names. You'd better hope I never bump into any of you in a dark alley 'cos my temper ain't subsided one bit. That goes for the fucking useless teachers* as well as the shits I studied with.

Bitter? Moi?

* There were some nice ones, sometimes. You will be spared.
(jimi.vicious regrets criticising the American electoral system!, Fri 27 Apr 2007, 14:28, Reply)

milky milky....
Anyone reading my previous posts regarding my (now ex) really shitty housemate, will be delighted that I had a good three week period whereby I messed with him good and proper!

He was in an alcoholic stupour long before I went to bed, and I was always up long before him, so before I climbed the little wooden hill to bedfordshire, I took his milk from the fridge and put it by the radiator, then in the mornig I put it back in the fridge before he emerged from the pit he called a room.

'Lo, he couldnt have any breakfast cereal, and he wouldnt drink black tea OR coffee.
And he never worked out why his milk was always off EVERY DAY!
hahahahahahahahha
(UnstableDan Bah, Humbug! ooooh, humbugs, nyom!, Fri 27 Apr 2007, 14:19, Reply)

Cuppa tea mum?
Whilst I was busy being a moody, inconsiderate nightmare of a teenager my mum had ongoing problems with her knees.

She started taking painkillers for them, but these really monged her out, which she didn't like as she's a busy run around kind of person. She decided to stop taking them, and deal with the pain. I can't really blame her, but she turned into a megabitch overnight. Something had to be done.

After a couple of days of putting up with mum it all got too much (my sister agreed). So I made her a tea. A Ralph's special tea.

About half an hour after drinking it my sister comes and tells me to go and look at what mum's doing.

I find her hiding in the porch humming the dambusters theme tune and occasionally jumping out the door (as she does the dambusters theme gets louder) to throw conkers (of which she has a handfull) at my dad who is on his way back from church. She's blatantly off her tits and intermittently giggling like a loon between dambuster crescendo/conker launching.

That eveing she lightened up alot, she was back to her chatty self, enjoying life and had a great nights sleep for the first time in ages. I kept quiet about what I'd done.

A couple of months ago I was at my folks house, when my mum said she'd quite like to try some pot (it was in context at the time, not just some random outburst).

"Well er... actually mum, you have."

I told her the story above, and her response?

"Well at least I can say I've tried it"

WTF! Who is she going to tell?!?!?

I live in fear of the womens institute turning up one night and asking for special tea.

[Obligatory length apology here]
(ralphseviltwin, Fri 27 Apr 2007, 14:16, Reply)

Wish we'd stuck around to see the conclusion...
I come from a large family - 4 girls and 1 boy. My parents don't drive, so we used to take day trips on coaches and occasionally the train.

There's a big age gap between the two eldest girls and the rest of us (14yrs), so they were at the rebellious stage well before I ever got there.

We'd travelled to Salisbury for a day out and on returning to the station, decided to have a drink in the platform cafe. Some oaf had decided to stretch out across a bench seat and have a sleep, with all his possessions (it seemed) piled up by his head - and taking up yet more seating. It was busy in there, so having another 7 turn up for tea meant that some people were standing.

Although efforts were made to rouse the chap, he continued to sleep.

Unfortunately, my big sister noticed his crossed legs, and deftly re-tied his shoelaces without disturbing him. The crowds around us murmured and looked on with alarm as we all left smiling.

The guy would have woken, uncrossed his legs and prompty have fallen to the floor. That served the git right...
(surfergirl is riding the wave of luurvveee, Fri 27 Apr 2007, 14:15, Reply)

Yeah......
I don't do confrontation, so when someone needs teaching a lesson, I do mong face behind their backs.

Sometimes I do swear finger whilst "pushing" my glasses on

The worse one is that if I've cooked for them, I give them the plate with the disorderly food, instead of the neatly arranged one.

I make a dreadful enemy, don't cross me!
(Jugular, Fri 27 Apr 2007, 14:14, Reply)

The voice
You know when that little voice in your head pops up suggesting an awful deed you could do, just because you can? Like when you're next to someone at the bus stop and the voice says 'hit them. Hit them right in their silly little face.'

I was walking along with a friend when a toddler and his mother walked past us. The voice said 'Clench your fist and leave by your side, you'll hit the toddler right in his forehead and buckle. go on, it will be hilarious'

So I did it, and he bit concrete. That taught him. If nothing else it taught him that there will be shits like me in the world who will do summat for no real reason other than that they can.
(The_Greyhound wrote www.luckymcdanger.blog.co.uk on, Fri 27 Apr 2007, 14:08, Reply)

Not me, but...
...my uncle lived in a shared house with a chap called Billy. Billy never did any washing up.

One day this all got too much for my uncle, so he put ALL the dirty washing up in Billy's bed with a note reading:

"Dear Billy, Mummy isn't Mummay anymore"

That taught him.
(ralphseviltwin, Fri 27 Apr 2007, 13:57, Reply)

Runs in the family
Yes, revenge is hereditary in my household.

About a month ago I was consoling my little brother on being dumped by the village bike. He then confides in me that when we were little he had nits and I didn't, so he picked one of the little mites off the nit comb (urrrgh)and put in in my hair.

My dad bought my mom a new car (ooo very swishy) as a suprise. She was so overcome with emotion that the felt this would be the right time to confess that she poisoned our front lawn. They had had a falling out over whether or not the front garden should be paved over (mum for tarmac, dad for grass) and as she conceded she said she would never do the gardening again. So as my dad lovingly watered and seeded his lawn, my mum went out the following day with weed killer and dumped it all over the place. This went on for about 5 years. He could never work out why the lawn wouldnt grow. Guilt? Naaaah, she was just worried one of the neighbours would see.

I made my brother eat dirt when we were little "because that's what they mean when they sing 'Another One Bites The Dust' on Gladiators.

Oh, and a girl I've grown up with (has turned out to be the biggest cow face ever) I made her wipe my bottom once having done a number two when we were young. That's not quite revenge, it happened before she messed me about. Or maybe she was retalliating to this, I don't know. Possibly.
(petite chaussure, Fri 27 Apr 2007, 13:52, Reply)

Meeting Scheduled.....
Last place I worked at, one of the blokes there was arrested and later sentenced for having child porn on his home computer. The fact that in between his arrest and the court appearance he was in work every day sitting about 3 desks away from me turned my stomach (especially as I had photos of my kids on my desk at the time).

Not many people in the office knew about it, his boss obviously knew but didn't want to tell anyone as it may jeopardise business with clients. I knew about it as I was the one working in IT at the time who CID interviewed to ask me to check the servers and his folders for any indecent images or passwords to get on to websites.

I was threatened by this guy's boss that if I breathed a word of it to anyone, I would be sacked.

Court case arrives and the peado is sent down for 6 months, he thought that he would get a suspended sentence and be back in work the next day.

Does the truth then come out? No. Said boss issues an email saying that the guy was off due to personal circumstances and may return to work in the future. Threat of sack to me still stands if I say anything.

I realise that saying anything, doesn't extend to having a newspaper open on my desk with the full story (the guy was also a scout leader so it made front page) open to everyone.

Over the next few days everyone found out about it (not all because of me) then I got a phone call from HR saying that someone had reported me for sticking the news report up against the window of my office and leaving copies in the meeting room.

That was all bullshit and lies. HR were actually understanding and believed my side of the story. I knew where it had come from so decided to bide my time.

Working in IT meant I knew most peoples passwords. Knowing that this manager wasn't the cleverest and would never click on,I set his password to never expire.

6 months after leaving there, I can still access his emails through webmail. I've deleted a load, moved a load to different folders and put spelling mistakes in all his contacts email and phone details. Mildly annoying but not great.

My greatest feat yet - setting up a meeting in his calendar to "See how I look wearing ladies clothes and underwear", scheduled for the meeting room, invited to everyone in the orgainsation in the UK (approx 500 people).

Apparantly the shit hit the fan, I remain undiscovered and he has no idea. His password is still the same so let me know for any other ideas I can use to make his life a misery.

That'll learn him.

Cheers
(brocky, Fri 27 Apr 2007, 13:47, Reply)

What were they thinking...
Many many moons ago, I became the victim being taught a lesson.

I have to confess to not contributing a huge amount to my folks for providing a roof over my head – in fact, I didn’t pay a sausage or lift a finger but still expected pocket money on a weekly basis. (but to be fair, I was in secondary school trying to get some GCSEs)

One day, I return form school to take a call from a company saying they’ll deliver the items next Thursday. “Great” says I wondering who they were and what they were delivering. “You’ll receive a map showing your distribution area and they must be delivered by Monday” I’m told. “Sure, no worries” I reply – not having a clue what was going on.

Turns out my folks had got me a job. Delivering leaflets to 1000 houses in my area. It’d pay £20 and I’d be able to start paying my way.

I came home from school the following Thursday to four large (1m x 1m) boxes and a large map.

Bugger.

On opening, I found 250 Trakker chocolate bars in promotional packaging in each box.

I munched probably 50 or so that very afternoon and sold the rest to my school chums.

A week later I was paid my £20.

I didn’t give my folks a penny.
(bridggar, Fri 27 Apr 2007, 13:31, Reply)

Quiet Paper Rounds
This is a true story told in my family about a much loved uncle who is also an extremely annoying little man – he’s only around 5’2”.


When Rob was in his early teens and even shorter than he is now, he had a paper round and being extremely annoying he used to bang on all the doors as he delivered the morning’s newspapers.

One day during the winter he got more than he bargained for – a man who worked the night –shift and had just got home and into bed.

Woken by the noise each day he finally snapped….The man opened his front door, got hold of Rob and pulled Rob’s hand knitted polo-neck jumper over his head and tied a big knot in it….


Rob was always quiet delivering the papers after that.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 27 Apr 2007, 13:26, Reply)

More Tea Vicar???
I was about 12 or 13 - I came out of a shop to be confronted by 6 or 7 local dickheads, one of whom I remembered from primary school. He was a bit of a twunt at school and a bigger one afterwards. He and his remedial friends proceeded to punch and kick me as I walked out of the shop and chased me up the street.
25 years later - having some new gates fitted at back of house - builder turns up with his sidekick - and yes, its that twat from school.
I offered them a brew, as you do with builders, and they both accepted - wonderful!! One cup of tea with 2 sugars and one with 3 sugars for the fat twat from school. Oh yes - just before I gave them their drinks I stuck my finger right up my ringpiece and gave it a good wiggle - and proceeded to rub the now rather smelly and sticky digit around the rim of twattys cup. Enjoy. That proceedure was repeated numerous times throughout the job. Revenge is sweet - as sweet as tea with 3 sugars and a smelly rim!!! Was either that or launch the cunt - im a foot taller and about the same weight - but my face doesnt wobble when i talk. And it wouldnt have been half as funny!!
(joeblob, Fri 27 Apr 2007, 13:24, Reply)

Fancy a brew?
aaah... teabag revenge is sooo sweet, mates that get drunk and sleep with their mouths open are just plain retarded. "Knifeh's Tips" one lump or two?
(knifeh and Mrs Knifeh discovered radioactive bacon!, Fri 27 Apr 2007, 13:11, Reply)