The looks I got the following morning.
The first time I took my son camping, he was about five. Around 4 in the morning I awoke to find him shivering in his sleep, the reason being he had wet himself. I had to wake him to take him out of his soaked pyjamas and sleeping bag. Now, bear in mind this was a packed campsite, with lots of families in close proximity, so imagine my embarrassment when junior started wailing, 'no daddy, I don't like it, no, put my jammies back on, I don't want to get in your sleeping bag, nooooo'.......
( Lord & Lady Pants, Sat 25 May 2013, 8:33, Reply)

Dad! I want you to go away. Forever.
From the mouth of a three year old.
(theremin put the lotion in the basket on, Sat 25 May 2013, 6:58, 1 reply)

Shameless pearost
My sister and nephew came to visit me when I was a student in the fair city of Stirling. I took them to the obligatory visit to Stirling Castle, and we walked from the town centre to the top of the hill upon which the castle looms. My nephew was only five at the time, and found this rather a trek. My sister and I kept encouraging him saying "We'll soon be there!" and "You'll see the castle soon!" and "It's an amazing castle, you'll love it!"

When we got to the top of the hill, you see the great courtyard and behind that the restored splendour of the castle itself, with its elaborate facade with gargoyles and sinister looking mythical creatures. My nephew burst into tears.

"Oh, oh, what's wrong?" I asked, all concerned.

Sobs, tears. "I THOUGHT IT WAS A BOUNCY CASTLE!"
(McChinaman banned, Sat 25 May 2013, 5:06, Reply)

I was foul-mouthed as a toddler.
At a gentle soiree only the finest in my neighbourhood were quietly partying with their youngsters in tow.

"BASTARD! BASTARD! BASTARD!" I yelled.

Whatever words my mortified mum may have given me didn't seem to have worked as apparently after getting cut off at a busy intersection, my dad nobly keeping his cool and my mum visibly shocked but still not uttering the gutter tongue, I emitted a mild cry from the back.

"What the fuck was that!?"
( Christian's Bolt and Ski, Sat 25 May 2013, 2:12, Reply)

It's pronounced 'TRuck'!
One of my wife's workmates has a three year old boy who is obsessed by trucks and will call-out and point if one passes. Unfortunately, he has trouble correctly pronouncing the 'tr' and instead says 'f'.
To try to help his dad had the brilliant idea of calling them 'Tip Trucks', which for some reason worked and for a while the little boy could say things without any embarrassment to his parents. Then his pronunciation of 'tip' faltered, replacing the 'P' with another 'T'.
Yep - now every time a truck passes he squeals and points and shouts "TIT FUCK, MUMMY! TIT FUCK!"
(sleekloon Curing Cancer one cell at a time., Sat 25 May 2013, 2:12, 1 reply)

brothers misery
my neice is 2 but shes very clever and talks very well. she had seen her dad (my bro) getting out of the bath and asked him as young kids do "what is that between your legs?" my brother reacted fast and stupidly and told her it was a worm. cue my neice telling everyone at nursery dad has a little worm. after telling everyone this story embarrased i suggested he told her it was a big snake instead. to which she piped up "im not allowed to lie its naughty"
(funksoul, Sat 25 May 2013, 1:38, Reply)

death waits for noone
when i was younger my grandad was in hospital dying. i asked my gran "is he dead yet?" she replied "no son" to which i replied "taking his time isnt he"
(funksoul, Sat 25 May 2013, 1:30, Reply)

As I may have mentioned
I coach my daughter's soccer team. We have twins on the team - 2 boys, always full of energy and exuberance. If not both well endowed with fog-horn voices.
A few weeks ago we're doing our "Joke Telling" as we warm down after training. I pull out the old - "My dog has no nose.", my daughter, playing the straight man chips in with "How does he smell?".
"Awful!" Much rofl and more bad jokes ensue.

This becomes a bit of a meme with various animals etc. and bodyparts being substituted for dog/nose, always with the same response - usually shouted out by the whole team. "AWFUL!"

A couple of weeks ago we are warming up before an away game. An older team start warming up next to us. I notice the coach is an amputee, just above his right knee and on crutches. I think no more of it than, Good on him.
One of the twins pipes up - "Hey Ringo, that man only has 1 leg." in what is supposed to be a whisper but sounds more like it's been put out over a PA. Without a pause & with perfect comedic timing his brother lobs in with "How does he smell?" and almost to a man the entire team without really thinking shouts out "AWFUL!"
"Right, that's it. Game time." Exit field left.
The coach is standing there leaning on his crutches, big grin on his face, shaking his head from side to side slowly.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 24 May 2013, 23:20, 12 replies)

Why?
Why why why why why?

Seriously, it's all my 3 year old says.

WHY?

Thank fuck the other one is still too young to talk. If both of them were at it i'd top myself.
(Chewy , masticating since 1978., Fri 24 May 2013, 22:40, 1 reply)

Expectations
From our 3 yr. old at the time...
Me: "How 'bout you finish the rest of those peas"
Kiddo: "No Daddy, how 'bout a pony"
( BamaSS, Fri 24 May 2013, 20:49, 1 reply)

when i was about 5 or 6 years old
I asked my dear granny "when you're dead, can i have your video player?". I never did get it.
(rats_are_great, Fri 24 May 2013, 18:02, Reply)

A friend of mine was spotted in Hereford by a small boy who gasped and dragged his parents excitedly towards him shouting "LOOK MUMMY, A BLACK MAN!"

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 24 May 2013, 17:29, 3 replies)

My daughter says funny stuff
So a couple of years ago I started to chronicle it in a Twitter feed: https://twitter.com/stuffniamhsays

She's 9 now but I post everything from TweetDeck and can't remember the password to change the description.
(town, Fri 24 May 2013, 17:10, 2 replies)

Listening to the Ramones on a road trip
4yo daughter: "Daddy....somebody put something in that man's drink"
Me: "what do you think they put in?"
4yo: ".....ice?"
(CADmonkey rollllllllled another one, just like the other one, Fri 24 May 2013, 16:55, 3 replies)

Young Master number5 ... (repost)

...decided that walking into the room to meet his new babysitter would be best received if he were trouserless with a significant erection and speaking the words : "Look, I can make it go all stiff!"

Downhill all the way from there.

He is older now and won't recall the above but I am saving this story for his wedding day.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Fri 24 May 2013, 16:30, 5 replies)

My Brother
Not so much a said more a did.
My Brother licked his finger and tried to wipe the "dirt" from a black woman on the bus.
(BiggestNizzy your company name here pm for rates., Fri 24 May 2013, 16:26, Reply)

Staying safe online
My wife is a primary school teacher. Just this week she was giving a lesson to her class of 5 and 6 year olds on staying safe online. She quickly found that the lesson plan she was using was fairly redundant as most of the kids knew more than her. One kid confirmed this by standing up and saying "the reason you need to stay safe online is that you might meet a stranger who will kidnap you. You'll never see your mummy and daddy again and the stranger will kill you and take photos of you" The lesson quickly ended with 29 screaming and crying children, and one smug know it all.
( herd of chickens First part only £1.99 and comes with a free, Fri 24 May 2013, 16:20, Reply)

Walking through a Morrisons one saturday afternoon
5 year old daughter hanging off the front of the trolley obviously bored senseless. Walking down one of the aisles of confectionery joy she notices a youngish mentally disabled lad a few yards away standing next to a friend/colleague/family member whatever. My daughter spots him and starts asking questions rather loudly and within earshot of the group.

"Why's he pulling faces?"
Oh christ. "Um, he's not, he's disabled."
"He is, he's staring at those biscuits pulling faces." Oh fuck he's now actually staring intently at a pack of Jammy Dodgers, really mate you're not helping here.
"He's not darling, be quiet, he can't help it, can you forget about him please." Like that sentence is going to work on a 5 year old.
"But he is, he's pulling a face like you do daddy."

Cue all odd looks now towards us. I could not get the trolley out of that aisle quick enough. Well that was after I grabbed some Jammy Dodgers for us. She doesn't come shopping with us any more.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 24 May 2013, 16:19, 1 reply)

Technically not answering the question....
But my 6 month old son recently managed the impressive feat of a successfully aimed projectile puke into my mouth, and did make a "Bleeeurgh" type noise.

Then he laughed in my face.

Understandable I guess, but still, unpleasant.
(Executive Chef, Fri 24 May 2013, 15:50, Reply)

Policemen
The son and heir was slow to speak (4 in fact)but one of the first conversations was about seatbelts. Like many children he loved to take his off the minute I was driving leading to much stopping and replacing. One day he was doing this when I eyeballed him in the mirror and said 'You have to keep your seatbelt on or the policeman will shout at Mummy' to which he replied 'Well I will kick the policeman in the willy'. Nothing else to say really but he does keep his belt on now (age 15).
(scaredy-cat, Fri 24 May 2013, 15:38, 1 reply)

Years ago I was in the house of this single mum helping myself to her pot
I was sitting on the couch firing a bong when her 4 year old wandered out into the living room. I looked at mum with raised eyebrows to suggest if we really should be taking drugs in front of the kid, when the little girl looked at me and said "You're doing it wrong".
Everyone's a critic.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 24 May 2013, 15:32, 1 reply)

Shopping with a 5 year old
My delightful little brother in a shopping trolley as he was still under 5 announced very loudly in the "Feminine Hygiene" section:"Mum, are those the white bog sticks that you stick up your bum"
(Purpledoris I've got afeckin' job, Fri 24 May 2013, 15:24, Reply)

Missing ex
After breaking up with a long-distant ex I attended some sort of family gathering, My nephew saw me and asked where Sarah (for that was her name) was.

“She’s not going to be around any more” I replied.

After a short pause my nephew asked “Is she dead?”.

Bless him. How did he know she was in the boot of my car?
(BoredCouncilWorker, Fri 24 May 2013, 15:07, Reply)

nephews
I have these three annoying nephews that really piss me off, firstly they live in my house and sponge off me all the time, i´m quite well off but they´re always getting me involved in one hair brained scheme after another.

They also wear identical outfits at all times except one wears green, the other red and the other blue.
( SickRik float like a camembert sting like a brie, Fri 24 May 2013, 14:59, 9 replies)

Once upon a time I was
In a lift with my new girlfriend's 4 year old child who I was looking after alone for the first time . His mother and I lived on different floors of the same tower block and had got to know each other deliciously slowly over a few months . I had never really fancied anyone with children before but I was smitten and wanted to have a relationship with them as well as her and so as things progressed we decided that the time had come.
I had spent the day encouraging the wee chap to look at things and ask questions so we could get to know each other , and was enjoying seeing the world through his inquisitive innocent eyes .
I was , right up till we were in the lift back at the flats and just as the door closes junior takes my hand, looks pointedly at the only other occupant of the lift and says 'Horace,why is that lady so fat ?'
(pearost)
( horace wimp needs more than 49 characters to fully express hi, Fri 24 May 2013, 14:43, 2 replies)

We were going to Mallard's Pike with all my nephews and nieces.
"A mallard's pike, eh kids?" said I, "That's a duck-fish hybrid that used to be common in this area."

"It would be called a, er ... a DISH!" said one.

"Or ... or ... " said another, working it out, before declaring loudly, "A ... a ... a ... FUCK!"

Cue my sister nearly driving into the river.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 24 May 2013, 14:29, 1 reply)

"Oh ffff... fiddlesticks"
...says my wife, after knocking a cardigan off a rail in M&S. "No," pipes up a rather loud and penetrating 2-year-old voice from his buggy. "Mummy say 'Fuck sake'." Cue much tutting and pursing of lips from the regular Marks and Spencer blue rinse brigade, while wife's friend gives herself a hernia trying not to laugh.

That's my boy.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Fri 24 May 2013, 14:27, 1 reply)

I was putting my 4 year old to bed a couple of weeks back...
Just to annoy me and to avoid bed for a further few minutes, he started to repeat everything that I said. Rather than rise to the bait, i took the moral high ground and stopped speaking as I tucked him in, picked up his teddy etc.

As he'd done this repeating thing a few times in the days before I decided I'd teach him a little lesson and beat him at his own game. So after about 30 seconds of silence when he said 'dad, can I have your phone?', I repeated 'dad, can i have your phone?'. He said something else. Again, I repeated it. He started to get annoyed realising what was happening. Inwardly I was smiling, I had him on the ropes and he couldn't break the cycle. Then he paused and our conversation concluded as such

Him:- Dad?
Me:- Dad?
Him:- Stop saying what I'm saying
Me:- Stop saying what I'm saying
Him:- Fuck.

Little shit.
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Fri 24 May 2013, 14:26, 2 replies)

When my little one was about 3
He had a toy monster truck. He called it munter fuck.
I have a vid somewhere but it'll take days to find it.
( bierbelly, Fri 24 May 2013, 14:10, Reply)