In response to Sonic James Doom
Don't use boiling water from the kettle - use cold water from the tap. There's three reasons for this. First, cold water is still warm enough to melt the frost. Second, the heat of kettle-water will stress the glass in your windscreen as the outside layer will warm and expand much more quicly than the inner, hence increasing the risk of your windscreen shattering; cold water avoids this problem. Third, hot water will evaporate much more quickly than cold, thereby cooling the windscreen and making it more liable to refreeze.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 10:07, Reply)

What did the cunt say say to prince?

You're a cunt!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 9:54, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

If it's a cold and frosty morning
and your car is covered in frost, instead of spending ages scraping the windows, just put a bit of extra water in the kettle when you make tea, and then pour said boiling water over the car - much quicker, and far less effort.
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Thu 15 Nov 2007, 9:50, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

What's
.
The difference between Prince and a bucket of cunt?


The bucket


Join in. Plenty of room here for Prince jokes
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 8:17, Reply)

If You're A Diminutive Self-Obsessed Cunt
Don't fuck around with B3ta.

It'll only make things worse.

Q: Why did Prince give the little girl a lollipop?

A: 'Cos he's a cunt

.
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 8:15, Reply)

Website owners
Avoid being threatened with unnecessary legal action by not basing your image competition on a litigious wanky short-arsed pop singer with his head so far up his arse he hasn't seen the light since 1990.

Should change his name to Prick...
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 20:33, Reply)

fucking hell..
If you have got a tendency to have really elaborate and realistic nightmares, stay the hell away from those pictures of the dude with the disease that causes tree-trunk-like growths..

No I won't link you, if you're the kind of guy who enjoys being freaked out and/or throwing up, I'm sure you know where to find it anyway.
(NekomimiNinja now with a couple percent more posting, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 7:50, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Not quite Wrigleys
An elastic band covered in toothpaste makes a cheap alternative to chewing gum
(mcd23, Tue 13 Nov 2007, 14:04, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Dont go on holiday
with anyone who works for a humanist school.

as they'll be constantly judging your actions (wrongly). Don't bother trying to have a conversation as they won't actually listen to what you're saying, instead they'll invent some insulting bullshit motivation for WHY you're saying what you're saying. Invariably, come the evening, they'll be desperately trying to involve you in a half-drunken bullshit wanna-be intellectual discussion about education; spewing out cretinus statements like: "the only thing you learn in school is fear" and "if the universe is so ordered, why is it that humans are so bad to each other?" and other not to put too fine a point on it 'total shit' statements that they've regurgitated from some moronic seminar text.

by the end of the holiday you'll never want to see or speak to the cunt again.

I imagine you'd get a similar effect with born again Christians, just exchange the 'seminar text' with bible passages and 'education' with 'jesus'
(L E T S G O "Stop buying into and spreading this shit", Tue 13 Nov 2007, 12:32, Reply)

Don't like a particular TV show?
Switch over.
(flamangathon is not local, Mon 12 Nov 2007, 13:47, Reply)

Thinking Of A Career In Education?
If your name is 'Peter File' don't apply for any primary school teaching jobs.
(Kalgoorlie, Sun 11 Nov 2007, 3:52, Reply)

mince
When you buy beef mince, flatten it as much as you can in cling wrap before you freeze it. then when you want a piece for a burger or whatnot, you can snap it off easy, and it defrosts really quickly.
(hixy, Fri 9 Nov 2007, 21:44, Reply)

US TV Show Producers...
...Struggling to come up with that killer idea for a new yoof orientated, big budget 'must-see' TV show? Why not simply rip off the premise of M. Night Shyamalan's 2000 movie 'Unbreakable', with a cast of hot teens in the role Bruce Willis originally played.

Also don't worry if you can't drag this idea out for a second season, because you can continue indefinitely by ripping off 'X Men' until the viewing figures drop.

('Heroes' is on BBC 2, Wednesdays at 9pm, other TV shows are available.)
(Dean, Fri 9 Nov 2007, 13:55, Reply)

To remove the core of a lettuce in one go
place your lettuce with the rooty core bit facing down. Lift up the lettuce and then crash it onto a surface in one swift movement, so that the core bit takes the impact. Et voila! The core is removed.
( Whythebigpaws?, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 23:04, Reply)

Window telesales
When they ring you up to sell the windows/doors/patio whatever, just remember the C word!
COUNCIL. Say "I'm with the council" and they'll terminate the call asap because they can't sell things like that to council tenants.
(xwoody01, Thu 8 Nov 2007, 20:33, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Parents
While they may seem expensive at first, family trips to Portugal in the summer could cut a third off your Christmas expenditure.
(peterlynch, Wed 7 Nov 2007, 20:31, Reply)

London Underground
Announce over the tannoy that there is currently a good service on the Central Line when people are jammed in like veal and the service is pretty fucking far from good.

Cunts.

PS Thirty five grand start pay (not to mention 40 days holiday not including strikes) for tube drivers??? WTF? Whens it's dark apply the accelerator, when it's light apply the brake. FFS.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 7 Nov 2007, 14:34, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Commuters!
Train broken down? Why not wait until the driver is halfway through his important announcement before initiating a loud, banal mobile phone conversation.

(FCC southbound, c 0915. You know who you are. Stupid bitch.)
(><(((">, Wed 7 Nov 2007, 13:44, Reply)

Difficult time on the work bogs?
There's no shame in a few "mid wipe" flushes thus preventing your work toilets being rendered unusable for the second time in one week. And then having to remain in said cubicle waiting for a clear exit lest someone notice the water is at the same level as the rim...
( dan j what the buggery bollocks is this?, Wed 7 Nov 2007, 10:58, Reply)

Not that B3tans would know much about manual labor
...what with fucking off on the computer for hours on end, but if you've been working with concrete, the best way to keep your hands from drying up and looking like a scaly old OAP's grizzled hands is to wash them with vinegar after. The acidity in the vinegar counters the alkilinty of the concrete and leaves your hands soft enough that your lady won't think a lizard's trying to feel her up.
( Heffrey wants to show you his wood at SmileMoon.etsy.com, Sun 4 Nov 2007, 13:15, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Londoners
Avoid being mistaken for a cunt by moving to another city.
(jagathewise, Sat 3 Nov 2007, 4:04, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Tippest Toppest
Do you find lovemaking boring? Not getting the same thrill from it that you used to? Just the same old repetitive thing?

Try finding someone to do it with.
(cisco, Fri 2 Nov 2007, 21:04, Reply)

Curry tip = free meal
If you've ordered a takeaway curry and they give you a free vegetable dish which you don't want to eat there and then, stick it in the freezer.

Later you can make a meal for two in about 10 mins, for free: Just put the frozen curry in a warm pan with about 1/3rd to 1/2 as much frozen peas and a little bit of boiling water from the kettle, and warm it through until its completely defrosted and steaming. Either cook some rice or serve it with bread or leftover nan.
(annexia, Fri 2 Nov 2007, 19:31, Reply)

coated in semen?
If, somehow, you manage to get yourself completely coated in semen, milk pretty much dissolves the stuff. Also good for washing it out of your eyes, too.

Then, of course, a blood test is in order, and possibly a visit to the police.
(kimini touches your shoulder gently on, Fri 2 Nov 2007, 19:07, Reply)

never do up
the top button on a waistcoat
( SiX and his hat, Fri 2 Nov 2007, 17:58, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

never
sneeze whilst hiding
( ablufia v0.43 - have your face drawn, Fri 2 Nov 2007, 17:51, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

public loo hygiene
1) Wet a ball of loo paper in plenty of preferably hot water, and give the loo seat a quick washdown. Then dry before using. It's not going to sterilize it, but it removes major stains etc. from the previous dumper.
2) Before evacuating, put some loo roll down: it reduces the chance of splashback. Tip #1 does this as a side-benefit.
( bnt what, me worry?, Fri 2 Nov 2007, 17:25, Reply)

Ant problems?
Spray where they are coming in with a light coating of WD40. It's relatively odorless and doesn't leave a noticable film, and they fucking hates its, they does.
(denki, Fri 2 Nov 2007, 17:10, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Free paper distributors
Ease overcrowding on the London Tube by standing right in the middle of the station entrance, so that no more passengers can enter.
(><(((">, Fri 2 Nov 2007, 7:57, Reply)