Motoring tip...
If you're unfortunate enough to have a wheel come off while driving, it may roll a considerable distance while you fight to control the vehicle. It may even roll into bushes or a ditch, never to be seen again.
Prevent this happening by securing each wheel to the nearest door-handle with a sturdy piece of rope.
(minimalist ..., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 17:43, Reply)

Having an anarchist round to visit?
To save embarrassment, only offer them herbal tea. Remember: Proper tea is theft.

(Yes, also in puns of the week, but I was provoked into putting it here).
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:01, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

God.
It appears to me (from the local rag etc) that the only people who die or are murdered are wonderful, caring family members and pillars of society; maybe you should kill some of the thieving scum bag. They never seem to die.
(kitescreech still here, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 8:19, Reply)

King size Mars Bars make ideal fun size Mars Bars far Giants
Fun size Mars Bars make ideal king size Mars Bars for dwarfs.
(jonehboy is on a reggae tip, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 20:56, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Save money on toilet paper...
...don't shit.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 17:18, Reply)

Hiccups.
I'm not sure where I learnt this from but it works. To get rid of hiccups:
1. Breathe in through your mouth.
2. Hold your breathe for a second and breathe in through your mouth again.
3. Repeat until your lungs feel as if they're at breaking point.
4. While still holding your breathe, swallow really hard until you can't physically continue (usually takes between 3 and 6 gulps).
5. Enjoy not hiccupping. For the first 30s you'll still want to hiccup, but they've gone.
6. Shout "yay!"
(Patrice Ici Reticulating Splines, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 17:14, Reply)

Tip top top tip
Alack, this is not my tip but back in the day when Viz was funny (it was a while ago) I remember reading this top tip:

Don't waste perfectly good money on binoculars. Simply stand closer to the thing you want to look at.

ho ho.
(Patrice Ici Reticulating Splines, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 15:35, Reply)

If you are a well known local councillor
and you flip your car due to driving too fast and having had some falling down juice combined with Bolivian Marching Powder, make sure to remove the padlock and clamps attached by chains to your helmet and nipples respectively. This will save much embarrasment later on.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Thu 5 Mar 2009, 5:08, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Sexual Experimenters
Thinking of putting mars bar in your partners vagina and eating it out?

Put a towel or something down first, it melts and makes a mess of the bed clothes.
( Peej, Wed 4 Mar 2009, 13:16, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Email clients
Outlook Express, Lotus Notes, etc, won't allow you to send the message "You are a cunt".

Try to send an email with that title to your boss, they won't let you.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 13:11, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Local Councils, want to piss off as many people as possible?
Empty the bins at 8 o'clock on a Monday morning. To really fuck people off make sure you do this on the main road out of town causing traffic to back up for miles.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Mon 2 Mar 2009, 20:55, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Genuine Top Tip
Is your bath or sink slow to drain?

Don't buy expensive stuff like Mr Muscle. Just buy a bag of soda crystals (50p for 1kg from Wilkinsons). Tip half of it down the drain and wash down with hot water. Should do the trick!
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Mon 2 Mar 2009, 20:28, Reply)

Tired of listening to good music and DJ's who are funny and know a lot about music on the radio?
Then, just listen to "Radio 1". The change will be refreshing.
(The Stig, Mon 2 Mar 2009, 17:54, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

"Random"
Does not mean "quirky" or "unusual" or "strange".
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Mon 2 Mar 2009, 11:36, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Fancy a religious war?
Fed up of killing people just because they worship a different god?

Just start killing people who worship the same god as you do, but in a slightly different way.
( Amos E Wolfe makes vinyl signs and things like that, Mon 2 Mar 2009, 8:37, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Stepped in a dog turd?
No problem! Simply walk into every single room in the entire house, trailing it absolutely everywhere, before utterring the phrase "Oh! I think I must have stepped in shit" and making a sort of disgusted "uuurgh" noise. Make the whole problem better by walking on the side of your shoe instead of just taking it off, then simply piss off to the shops, safe in the knowledge someone else will clean it up, probably.

And while you are at the shops, forget to buy me any Irn Bru like I asked you to either, Dad.

Tchoh.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Mon 2 Mar 2009, 3:54, Reply)

Sellotape + party poppers + doorframe
= A rather lame, but satisfying saw-esque trap.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Sat 28 Feb 2009, 16:59, Reply)

Can't find the fanny on a fat chick?
Starting at the belly button and working your way down, simply put your finger in each fold of fat and then lick your finger afterwards.
When you taste shit, just go back one!
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Sat 28 Feb 2009, 16:26, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Trouble making friends?
Simply kidnap complete strangers off the street and eventually Stockholm syndrome might kick in

Even if it doesn't at least you're occupied
(AnonyQ, Sat 28 Feb 2009, 13:56, Reply)

new to an amusing website/utter waste of time?
Try not to get arseholed on gin and reply to every single post in a vague hope of making friends as you may come accross as a complete fucktard incapable of normal human interaction. erm, sorry for being that fucktard.
(biscuit bill, Sat 28 Feb 2009, 6:09, Reply)

Do you want kids, but are infertile/ugly and ineligible to adopt?
Take in a pygmy as a lodger! You can dress them up in children's clothes and play games with them, and they actually pay their way around the house!
( Lightguy hail satan, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 14:57, Reply)

Shit in your own mouth to save money on marmite

( sock more tea vicar?, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 13:07, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Advertising Tip
Local recruitment firms! Designing your next poster campaign or newspaper advertisement? When picking the artwork from your folder marked 'Stock Images', try scrolling down. You may be surprised to find that there are other photographs in the world beside 'Woman Holding Hands to Head, Screaming'.
(costas, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 10:53, Reply)

Parents:
Don't turn up shit-faced for parents evening. I WILL tell social services.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Thu 26 Feb 2009, 22:38, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Dont eat Toblerone in bed...
It gets fucking everywhere!
(i should have joined myspace, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 21:18, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Are modern sitcoms getting stale and boring for you?
Simply watch an episode of "The Mighty Boosh". Suddenly, "My Family" doesn't seem so bad....
(The Stig, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 20:23, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Scared of the wiggle wam wams?
Simply unghule your phog until it's exartical, then fedalay for fifteen minutes. You'll never ojocrosp again!
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 17:29, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Supermarkets
Worried that a competitor's advertising campaign is making you look bad by pointing out that they're cheaper than you? Simply invent your own comparison method which, whilst utterly meaningless, sounds convincing and makes you look cheaper. For example, compare the cost of one of your customers' 'baskets' to the cost of buying the same items at your competitors, being careful not mention that your customers probably bought most of those items because they were on special offer that week, whereas the competitor was charging full-price because their special offers were on other items. Voila! Now you can claim to be cheaper!

Oh, and when comparing yourself to Sainsburys, make sure you compare prices and not 'Amount of eyelid and anus in own-brand products'.
(costas, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 12:45, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Phil Collins.
Never ever go dressed as a Gorilla into an RnB club with drumsticks, and imitating the Dairy Milk advert.

It doesnt go down too well.
(hoogie Original Cunt Horse Author, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 12:38, 1 reply, 16 years ago)