supermarkets
When replacing perfectly adequate checkouts with self-service machines in order to save 4 lots of wages, ensure they work properly and efficiently rather than infuriatingly requesting for confirmation to check the weight of a tin of beans or a loaf of bread.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 12 Apr 2009, 0:15, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Avoid Injury
If you've been stopped by the police for a minor infraction, jaywalking, littering etc, always smile and act pleasant.

Otherwise you could be shot or tazered for being "uncooperative", making the officer feel worried "for his safety"

Remember, that fellow with the gun, club, tazer, mace, will feel threatened and fear for his life if you even so much as question his reason for stopping you.

But then, sometimes you'll be shot, tazered, maced, clubbed etc. no matter what.

Just hope someone is around to video your abuse.
(barrycounty, Fri 10 Apr 2009, 22:17, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Drivers
On the left or right side of your steering wheel you will find a stick.
Pull this stick up or down and you will find a light flashes outside the car.
Using this you can inform other drivers and pedestrian of where you intend to drive, thus avoiding killing people.


I understand these to be standard fit to all cars.*

*may not include BMWs
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Fri 10 Apr 2009, 15:11, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Guide to eBay terminology
(Please feel free to add your own in reply.)

Used: You could tell it's been used by looking at it.
Untested: Because we already suspect it's fucked.
Defective but we're not sure what the defect is: Because it's so fucked it defies further investigation.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Thu 9 Apr 2009, 17:22, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

women
understand that in a shop, there is often a balance of movement.

i.e. if we are in a queue of people walking down an aisle. Please make sure you stop at every cockin opportunity to inspect something which you wont buy.

This also works better if you have a pram or trolley.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Tue 7 Apr 2009, 13:34, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Facebook users
If you've split up with someone or have emotional issues, or something bad/exciting/odd has happened, just fucking say it. Don't do a status update of something along the lines of "Herman is upset today...."

It doesn't make you look enigmatic. It just makes you look like a helmet.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Tue 7 Apr 2009, 9:10, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Work colleagues
The lavatories at work function in a very similar way to the ones at home. So, after snipping off one of Bungle's fingers, feel free to use the magic handle on the wall which will make it disappear.

Also if you have that much fucking difficulty hitting a 40cm bowl full of water from around 1 metre away, then consider sitting down next time you have a piss

Twunts.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Tue 7 Apr 2009, 8:08, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Inspired by BugBoyBeast's post
B&Q.

Offer the handy service of cutting wood to measure.
Put a button there for people to ring to request the service.
Then make sure that all staff are trained to ignore the ring of the bell.
Make sure you put this section as far from customer service as possible.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Mon 6 Apr 2009, 23:59, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

How to annoy your friends using "The Wire"
Step 1: Have a lot of free time, possibly due to being unemployed.

Step 2: Watch all five seasons of "The Wire" over the course of eleven days.

Step 3: Congratulations, you will now have developed an unintentional Baltimore accent and will continue to use phrases from the program around your loved ones,

Examples include:

Referring to a friend exagerating a particular aspect of a story as "Juking the stats"

Where you would normally let your friends know that you are returning to the bar for another pint you will now say you are off to "Hit the re-up" or something similar

Most annoyingly of all, everyone will be given very odd nicknames such as "Bubbles", "Stringer" or "Wee-bey"

Well done, you have now annoyed all your friends.
(rocknroll_pirate had a dream involving holly willoughby and custard, Mon 6 Apr 2009, 20:42, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Supermarkets
This must have been posted b4, but it still irks the tits of me.

Supermarket designers always ensure that there are at least 30 check-out isles. Then only put staff on two of them, and make sure that these staff are the most incompetent slackers available.

tesco- take note
(bugboybeast, Mon 6 Apr 2009, 17:16, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Emos
Improve your eyesight by trimming that failed quiff that's blocking your eyeball.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 6 Apr 2009, 9:14, Reply)

Go to the kitchen and get a piece of kitchen paper, dampen it, smell it,
eau du teenage wank...
( ..wil, Sat 4 Apr 2009, 15:07, Reply)

British Summer Time
Should you happen to run a popular site on teh internets that allows people to post messages, remember to adjust time settings on the server or wherever to take account of the clocks going forward so that people aren't still being confused a week later by being told they posted at 6:01 when it is in fact 7:01.

Looks below
(Capo, Sat 4 Apr 2009, 7:01, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Paint
When watching paint dry, make sure you take notes of any amusing anecdotes relating to said activity.

It could be the QOTW, as I suggested it.
(barrycounty, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 23:05, Reply)

Posting on /board? Long time since you read the FAQ?
Welcome. Essence of the rules for /board, culled from the FAQ, spiced with experience:

Golden rules (especially for n00bs):
1. Read the FAQ (it's the official 'rules'). Or you'll get shouted at.
2. If you make a mistake, be ready to say "oops, sorry!": it really helps. Don't be cocky: it makes you look like a cock.
3. Please read people's replies to your posts, and join in the conversations: they help make B3ta a community.

New threads are precious:
4. Only start a new thread if you're posting a new image that's worth it.
- If it isn't, use "Reply" in an existing thread (or make your image better!).
- Why? Because /board only holds 15 threads: each click of "Post a new message" pushes other people's work off the bottom.
- The rule seems to be: don't use a new thread if you didn't put a reasonable creative effort into making your image.
5. Don't start a new thread to re-post the same (or altered) image.
- Especially not for compo reposts: Reply lets you choose "challenge entry" too.
6. Don't start a new thread with an unmodified photo (unless of a thing you made).
7. Don't start multiple new threads: it's greedy. If you want to post more, use Reply in your existing thread (if it's still on the board).

Images:
8. Only post stuff that you made.
9. Only post stuff that you uploaded (don't leach).
10. Don't post NSFW.
11. Not bigger than 100k bytes (50k preferred). Anims: not more than 400k.
12. Not more than 700px wide.
- If it's too big, compress it until it's small enough.
- If it's still too big, post a small thumbnail with a link instead (using: <a href="blahENORMOUS.jpg"> <img src="blahThumb.jpg" /> </a>).

If you cock up:
13. Never use Delete (it also removes everyone's replies!): use the Edit button instead.
14. If you started a new thread by accident, say sorry. (And don't delete it!).

NSFW:
Whatever you put in a message will be downloaded and seen by all b3ta readers, often on their work computer. You could get someone sacked on the spot, or put through a disciplinary investigation that's not much better, because their manager thought it looked a bit like porn from 10 feet away. Do not do it. (For the record all these are no defence: "it isn't actually porn", "you can't see his/her whatever", "you're such a prude", "but no-one complained about this one *points at some-other-image*"). You can link a NSFW image (using: <a href="nekkid.jpg">NSFW!</a>), warning people that it's a NSFW link.

This is just a summary, hopefully useful as a quick checklist when posting. I welcome suggestions for improving it (gaz me).
Last edited 2009-04-07
( Bee Nice |-|, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 12:55, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Whisky drinkers
Add a small amount of tcp to some cheap whisky and tell your guests it's Laphroaig. Or Ardbeg, that's easier to pronounce.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 1 Apr 2009, 12:44, Reply)

Illustrator users/graphic designers
Bored at work? Simply draw a tiny (preferably well-placed) cock in your document, grab it with the hand tool, and move page back and forth to simulate wanking. For extra thrills, wank in tandem under the desk whenever your boss isn't looking.
(I'm not here was here on, Tue 31 Mar 2009, 16:59, Reply)

Want to hide a folder?
(Simple way of hiding folder for a while using Windows XP and beyond)

Place it on your desktop, and customise it to have no icon.

Then, name the file with the character you get by holding ALT and pressing 0160.

Voila, a folder invisible at first. Although, it makes more sense to drag it away from the rest of the icons, so there isn't a gap in the middle of them.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 31 Mar 2009, 15:38, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Cider vinegar is not an acceptable substitute for wine vinegar when making mayonnaise.

( Bob Todd whee, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 10:17, Reply)

When arguing against evolution...
make a point of bringing up
"If we're evolved from monkeys, why aren't monkeys extinct?"

It's a very good launching point for correcting your obvious lack of knowledge regarding the subject.
(AnonyQ, Sun 29 Mar 2009, 4:24, Reply)

The British Empire was built on cups of tea.
Pour milk in to an ice cube tray and freeze so when you run out of milk you chuck in a milk cube and have an emergency cuppa.

It also cools the tea slightly for immediate hangover relief.
(SpunkyMcSpunkbubble Diddled your nubbin on, Sat 28 Mar 2009, 11:18, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Undercover Police
1: A 7 month old Vauxhall Vectra (in silver) is not the only available surveillance vehicle.
Try for something more local, e.g. V reg Nissan Primera in bottle green, Rover Metro (dysentry beige) or, if in Benwell, a burnt out Renault Megane. On bricks.

2: When choosing your outfit, think of something that may make you blend in. A local football team shirt is usually a good option, but do make sure it's not your one with "ROZZERS" and the number "999" on the back.
A white shirt, blue jeans, white trainers and leather/denim jacket are not as inconspicuous as you may think, unless you're doing a stakeout in the 80's. Here's a clue: look around you, but don't for the love of cunting fuck try to dress like the yoof. You might as well wear your high vis jacket and your tit hat.

3: On the subject of aforementioned police garb: don't leave it on the back parcel shelf of your surveillance vehicle.

4: Sitting in one spot staring at a front door with your engine running for 3 hours may well be thought of as being a wee bit suspicious. Even in Benwell.

5: IF you want to get entry to a property pretending to be from the gas board, then at least have a passing fucking clue what a gas meter/boiler looks like. By the way, they all stopped wearing overalls in the 80's.

6: When you go for coffee and doughnuts and the friendly shopkeep asks you what you're doing in this part of town, don't say. "oh we're watching a house. You know, number 97. 3 doors down from here. The one with a red door. Turns out he likes drugs, guns and midget porn. But keep it quiet." He may have friends in the area.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Sat 28 Mar 2009, 7:42, Reply)

Masticators II
When consuming a packet of crisps, please ensure you place the crisp in your mouth, leaving said piehole wide open, then obliterate the crispy fried potato with as much force as is humanly possible.

Always make sure that the mouth and lips never actually close throughout this process, so that the wonder that is your wet/crispy chewing noises can be shared with people up to 50 metres away.

Repeat until packet is finished, or until you have had a sharpened pencil rammed in your face.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 16:47, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Masticators
When chewing gum at work, ensure that you keep your mouth open as much as possible during the entire process. The ensuing slurping and lip-smacking will create much heated debate about who is going to kill you, stimulating a sense of camaraderie amongst your work colleagues.

Note : Wearing headphones will mean you don't have to listen to it, and can concentrate on YouTube until the fateful moment.
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 16:17, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

MP's!
Boost your income by claiming expenses that are "within the rules" but morally reprehensible whilst at the same time criticising bank bosses for taking unwarranted bonuses!


Oh you already do.
(zebby wasting irony here on, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 13:16, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Stinks
If you really want to stink out the toilet, place a load of toilet paper in the bog first, so that your shit sits on top of the paper, out of the water. Then do not flush.

I have been taught this handy hint by a friendly bloke in my office who seems to do this every cocking day.
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 9:42, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Avoid paper cuts by
cutting off the sharp edges of the paper first.
(The Oscillating Gibbon is eating curried squid, Tue 24 Mar 2009, 15:24, 1 reply, 16 years ago)