Don't want to get points for speeding?
Simply observe the speed limit.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sat 17 Oct 2009, 20:32, Reply)

When having a shower
take two bottles on shampoo, in case one of them is in fact REAL poo.

has it really come to this?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 17 Oct 2009, 0:53, Reply)

A folded over paper kitchen towel does not make a good oven glove.
They make a good cold compress when soaked in cold water though.
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 17:54, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Don't forget to brush your teeth before you go to sleep,
You never know who you might meet in your dreams.
(TheColonel, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 9:35, Reply)

Put your hand over your mouth when you talk
To stop deaf people from 'listening' in to your conversations.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 17:10, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

save money on expensive playstation and games
go to prison
(bunglist, Wed 14 Oct 2009, 12:22, Reply)

illegal immigrants
we'll turn a blind eye if you open a takeaway
(bunglist, Wed 14 Oct 2009, 12:20, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

gardeners
tie your garden canes to a sturdy plant to keep them upright
(bunglist, Wed 14 Oct 2009, 12:19, Reply)

Ladies
leave your handbags at home, your vagina makes great storage for that emergency tampon.
(bunglist, Wed 14 Oct 2009, 12:17, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

empty yoghurt pots
make great containers for storing any spare yoghurt you may have lying around
(bunglist, Wed 14 Oct 2009, 12:13, Reply)

Scatmaster
Shit the bed?

Buy a new one
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Tue 13 Oct 2009, 20:04, Reply)

Free Virus Software
If you can manage it on your pc/laptop do F11 full system restore when your free 60 days of software virus expires. Voila, another 60 days.
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Tue 13 Oct 2009, 7:52, 14 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Grumble Tum
If you're feeling a bit grumble tum make sure that little puff you're trying to squeeze out isn't solid or semi-liquid
(schrodingers cat now you see me, or not, Mon 12 Oct 2009, 9:03, Reply)

Mobile phones
If you're my wife, save money on our electric bill by never charging the fucking thing. You never answer it anyway so it'll cut out the middle man.
(RainKing What do I put here then?, Sun 11 Oct 2009, 23:41, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Don't like marmite, can't get your girlfriend to give you head ?
Simple - buy a dog.

Two birds, one stone.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 15:24, Reply)

London pub owners!
Do not advertise 'Live Jazz band' if you only have some cunt with a saxophone who plays shit 1980's chart hits. Badly.
(zebby wasting irony here on, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 13:46, Reply)

Swelling in the ears during flu
will totally go away if you run a small towel or something under hot water, wring it out and then place it over your ear. I have no idea why this works, but the internet told me to, so I did, and the horrible swelling went away!
(Lieutenant Colonel Oblivious brought to you by intravenous sugar, Fri 9 Oct 2009, 7:42, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Keep turn signal thingy like new.
Never use them under any circumstances.

Saves on repairs and guarantees a higher price when reselling vehicle as you can point out the newness of your turn signal thingy.
(barrycounty, Thu 8 Oct 2009, 14:08, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Typing on a keyboard less than twenty years old?
You don't have to press the keys all the way down to their stops to make it work. Really.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Thu 8 Oct 2009, 13:22, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Place an elastic band around the lid of any difficult-to-open jars.
The rubber surface gives extra purchase.
(TheColonel, Thu 8 Oct 2009, 13:19, Reply)

Don't go to the beach with your friend Charlie
He can't surf for siht.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Thu 8 Oct 2009, 12:59, Reply)

Grated cheese
Save time in the kitchen by buying pre-grated cheese.
(xwoody01, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 23:09, 11 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Don't go outside after dark
or you'll die.

It's because the plants eat all the air.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 14:45, Reply)

Got toothbrush bristles stuck in your razor?
Good luck getting them out.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:35, Reply)

Can't shift those pesky hairs from between the blades in your razor?
Why not use an old toothbrush?
Maybe your flatmate's one, if they're a dickhead
(Sawdustman now with added giro. again, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 1:19, Reply)

Can't think of any top tips?
Simply mash the keyboard with your gnarled hands.

ga.ÚGIYjLKSA?
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 0:44, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Tesco Checkout Staff
Don't waste time and energy calling out "Do you want to come round and pay here?" to the long queue of people waiting to use the self-service checkout. We know you're free, we're just avoiding you because you're a miserable cunt.
(costas, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 15:15, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Tesco DVD rental
The cheaper tesco dvd rental packages use second class post to send disks, but if you tick the box to "send me an extra envelope" they send you first class ones.

So you get your next disk quicker, but will just use your monthly quota quicker.
(jingles, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 18:20, Reply)

Has your housemate been pissing you off beyond reasonable limits?
Do you want to repeatedly bash their heads against a brick wall until their skulls crack wide open?

Then get back at them by adding salt to their shampoo, shower gel etc. (basically, anything with ionic surfactants) and mix it up very thoroughly - it will clump up and gain about the same consistency as hard-set jelly. Bonus points if it's in an opaque bottle, then it'll be a while before your act of sabotage is noticed.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sun 27 Sep 2009, 23:28, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Supermarkets
Trolleys and the self service counters don't mix. It takes about 15 times longer, you'll mis-scan half the items and you'll leave a queue longer than the River Mersey.

You inconsiderate bastards.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Sat 26 Sep 2009, 21:44, 1 reply, 15 years ago)