Stressed?
Go to the toilet, close your eyes and flush repeatedly while you let your imagination whisk you away to a moderately sized waterfall.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 22:52, Reply)

Remove blood from your clothes
by rubbing shampoo on it before you wash them (actual factoid - just don't ask me how I know this....)
(Spanners80 is keeping the voices in her head company, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 22:08, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Crows nest.
Sick of doing a hover when you go to the loo in public toilets? Simply rip strips of toilet paper long enough to cover the seat. This stops the cold seat jolt as well as blocks any germs.

A great way to stop the super poopy. Add a crash mat of toilet paper across the water. This way you won't get any water in your brown eye.
(SkoaL, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 15:51, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Reverse lottery not risky enough for you?
Instead of picking six numbers and not buying the ticket ("winning" £1 if you don't match three or more), invite all your friends (let's say 20 of them) to join a syndicate, then email them the 20 lines of numbers you claim you've bought.

This is almost guaranteed to net you £20, but with the slight risk of the mother of all kickings.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:34, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Men!
Don't buy expensive vibrators for your girlfriend! Dump her and date a girl with parkinson's instead! Then you can buy her a common or garden dildo, they're far cheaper and don't need batteries!
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Sun 8 Nov 2009, 1:28, Reply)

A hactual real tip
Use the oil from a jar of sun dried toms instead of olive oil in your Italian inspired cooking. Tasty stuff!
(The Boy Monders I have ginger bits in my beard., Fri 6 Nov 2009, 11:21, Reply)

If you ever cheat on your spouse/partner/pet
Don't tell ANYONE - not even your best mate. This is the single greatest piece of advice you will ever hear.
(Blunt Logic, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:14, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Are you from Luton?
Leave now and forever hold your peace.
Eamen
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Wed 4 Nov 2009, 23:27, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Broken electrical goods and lost the receipt?
A few quick steps for a guaranteed refund:

1) Go to a shop, buy exactly the same thing that is broken.

2) Spruce up the old, broken one as much as possible, trying to make it look as new.

3) Take the old one back with the new receipt, say it's broken, get a refund!

Sorted.
( the pink chicken sniffer sniffs pink chickens., Wed 4 Nov 2009, 18:52, 13 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

If you're a regular bus-traveller, invest in a sturdy pair of earplugs - or if you work somewhere noisy, steal them from your workplace.
That way, there's less chance the horrendous, piercing squeals of ill-maintained brakes or the endless screaming of purple-faced babies will cause permanent damage to your hearing.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 3 Nov 2009, 20:31, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

When you find yourself stuck with someone talking at you incessantly
Simply tap them on the head mid-sentence and say "snooze".
( ma0sm, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 11:40, Reply)

Avoid paying taxes
by organising a coup, overthrowing the government and making yourself leader.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 1 Nov 2009, 20:23, Reply)

Dara O' Briain
Let people know you've said something funny and thus prompt them to laugh by going "errrrrgh" at the end of the sentence.

And the same goes for Jo Brand when doing stand-up.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 1 Nov 2009, 20:19, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Vigourously shaking up
a lava-lamp destroys the effect for up to 2 weeks.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 1 Nov 2009, 20:17, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Annoy cyclists
by setting fire to their trousers
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 1 Nov 2009, 20:15, Reply)

try not to eat all the 'sandwiches'
the night before the picnic , or you'll piss everyone right off .
( fudboy high ideals and crazy dreams, Sat 31 Oct 2009, 18:22, Reply)

Skid Marks
For those times you are unable to wear clean undergarments, and have that inevitable accident.

Are to embarressed for helpful people to see nasty skidmarks from your week long wearing of said undergarments.

Carry a small can of spray paint secured by duct tape in your armpit, to quickly draw & spray over said skidmarks before help arrives.

Then slip into your coma, secure in the knowledge that nobody will discover your habit of wearing nasty, skidmark stained undergarments.
(barrycounty, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 20:46, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

When shopping for a present for your gay lover
Consider buying him a dildo. That way he can get his daily ass-banging even when you're not around.
(tingtwatter Eating loads of red meat since, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 23:11, Reply)

swine flu? fever?
drink some tonic water, the quinine helps to lower your body temperature.
(knackerz is skinning up, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 3:34, 11 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Got swine flu?
Don't take your tamiflu dose while stuffing your face with mushroom pate. It leaves the most crazily bizarre after-taste in the back of your throat, and you'll be throwing up for hours.
( ejlflop errrrrgs. Regularly., Thu 22 Oct 2009, 19:13, Reply)

Stolen from sickipedia, but good nevertheless
Tip for breast men: when shopping in the supermarket, miss out the first aisle so as to be going against the flow.

Arse men should follow the usual route.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 15:16, 8 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Breath stinks?
Stop breathing for at least 10 minutes. Fetid breath will then no longer be detected.
(barrycounty, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 3:56, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

another cleaning one
If your cooker is truly grafted, especially in the oven where the grease maybe burnt and almost waxy, then use WD40, or even a cheap brand version. It shifts nearly all grease but it does make your room smell of paint.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 2:32, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

In the same vein as Badman's tip
Cheap furniture polish of the Mr Sheen variety is very good for getting some things clean for eBay. Electrical equipment mainly, CD cases and so on. Also, if you have a lot of old vinyl that's a bit grotty, get a cheap turntable, spray a thin film of polish onto the record and play it. All the shite comes out of the groove and leaves it looking almost new.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 2:30, Reply)

sorry but i actually got a sensible one
shoe polish will literally bring anything thats tatty and fucked up back to life. I mean apart from the obvious (shoes), But also wood like oak and other stuff like that gives it a glossy shine. I'd be suprised if it didnt cure fucking cancer tbh.

(I mean neutral or clear shoe polish aswell)
(Original Badman Is easily amused by the word chumbawumba, Wed 21 Oct 2009, 14:56, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Home made dressing not thick like it is in restuarants/bottles?
Buy one of those milk whisker things (less than one of your english from Ikea) and use it to make mix your dressing. Voila! Authentic french/restuarant/bottle dressing.

Now go eat that salad fatty!
(TheBoyTucker, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 23:25, Reply)

Dessert
If you fancy something decent for dessert, go to Waitrose at about 5:30pm. The patisserie reduce their cakes and such by quite a lot. And unlike Asda, there aren't a load of scuzzies following the person with the reducing gun about.

The other day, we got a £6 banoffee cheesecake for £1.99. Proper bananas in it too. A raspberry gateau (with raspberries in it), normally £1.20 per portion was 40p.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:17, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Save money on matches this November by lighting your fireworks off other fireworks.
.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 3:43, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)