Deprive money-grabbing immigrant traffic wardens of their huge bonuses
by not parking illegally
(Rimmer, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 15:58, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Not great at buying presents, and always short of QOTW answers?
Here's a sure fire way to solve both:

1) Pick your favourite answers from this week
2) SLIGHTLY change it, and then buy that present for someone
3) Wait until next year, and post the hilarity that ensued this Christmas when the Question is inevitably reposted in some sort of variation, such as 'Gifts'.

Voila!


DISCLAIMER: May result in shoddy presents for you next year in revenge and/or punch off of friends and family who actually thought about your gift.
( the pink chicken sniffer sniffs pink chickens., Fri 27 Nov 2009, 11:15, Reply)

NEVER
shag a dwarf with downs syndrome..

because it's not big and it's not clever!
(r_sole is...... Dwarf tossing champion of, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 16:00, 18 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Demonstrate your solidarity with the people of Cockermouth
by having a nice long shower.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 24 Nov 2009, 10:39, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Top tips for fish
Just bought a 6-pound whole salmon for under a tenner?

Before cooking it, get some extra mileage out of it by chasing the kids around the house with it.

Recreate this scene from Monty Python
www.youtube.com/watch?v=IhJQp-q1Y1s&feature=fvw

Once you've severed the head, put it in someone's bed and make punnage about the Codfather.

Cook and eat said fish.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 24 Nov 2009, 0:48, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Speaking of heating bills
don't keep turning the heating up, go put a fucking jumper on and keep just as warm, but with less visible flesh.

Or alternatively, turn the thermostat up to max and swan about in your undercrackers.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 24 Nov 2009, 0:43, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Free Surround Sound
Got an extra pair of speakers kicking about doing nothing, well, if you have sufficient speaker cable you can hook them up behind your listening position for free surround sound. Simply wire in the positive wires into the back of the amp as normal, then instead of putting the two negative wires into the back of the amp, join them together and make sure they ain't gonna come apart.

Sometimes known as 'Out of Phase Stereo', it works incredibly well, considering it is free. Also does a good job of decoding surround tracks in movies/TV.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Mon 23 Nov 2009, 10:22, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Politics students:
Feel like a REAL politician whilst at university by claiming for another student loan for a second hall of residence.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Sun 22 Nov 2009, 18:48, Reply)

Chopping Onions
Stop with the teary eyes by chewing gum. Actually just chewing will do the same.
So get to chopping and make a yummo dinner
(schrodingers cat now you see me, or not, Sun 22 Nov 2009, 8:38, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Telebastardvision
Avoid becoming curiously enraged by not seeing that fucking annoying advert for toothpaste for sensitive teeth filmed in a fake "ooh look it's not really an advert it's your best mate caught slightly off camera banging on about how fucking great it is" kind of way for the 100th fucking time, so switching channels only to land in the lap of that loathsome fat fuck Chris Moyles on the other side.
( the ghost of last tuesday, Sat 21 Nov 2009, 21:44, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Potential rapist?
Stop. Think. Wank.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 20 Nov 2009, 10:39, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

A Worthwhile Tip.
To avoid high heating bills this winter, don't keep your front door & windows open 24/7.
(barrycounty, Wed 18 Nov 2009, 22:06, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Post worthwhile tips...
....by putting a bit of thought into them before sharing.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 18 Nov 2009, 14:54, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Educate vegetarian friends in how to be a pathetic, worthy, whining little shit
By demanding that they cater to your omnivorous palate when you go 'round to dinner.

Also works with the waiting staff in vegetarian restaurants.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 17 Nov 2009, 16:36, 9 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Avoid having those long awkward conversations after Xmas for buying the wrong prezzies for the wife....
....by divorcing the ungrateful twat before you buy her any. Winging twunt.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 17 Nov 2009, 15:23, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Lie on top of your porn for half an hour
and it will feel like you're looking at someone else's.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 17 Nov 2009, 12:53, Reply)

Men...
(Link a bit NWS)

Get one of these: www.thatsexshop.co.uk/sexshop/product.php?xProd=3217&xSec=74

They are awesome!
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Sun 15 Nov 2009, 13:28, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Hiccup cure
Take deep, rapid breaths (i.e. hyperventilate). Works within a minute (sometimes it works straight away).
(mmm....beer, Sat 14 Nov 2009, 16:19, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Hold your hand in a bag of frozen peas for half an hour
before typing, so you can feel like it's someone else posting.

It's rumoured this is how /talk pass an average day...
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Sat 14 Nov 2009, 14:38, Reply)

Guys
Have a bath or shower at least once a week.
You might even pull a bird.
OK, maybe not but you'll be able to breathe without smelling your own cock.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 19:46, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Need a way to stop biting your fingernails
Simply shove each finger and thumb up your arsehole on the start of each day to put you off it for life.
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 11:46, 8 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Formula 1 racing teams - reduce your pit times!
Simply ensure all your pit crew come from Liverpool. They can remove all four wheels in less than 6 seconds flat.
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 11:28, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Scare away potential burglars
When going out, place lighted candles near soft furnishings, drapes and curtains, so that they're visible through the gap, you leave in your front window curtains.
Any burglar would not believe that anyone would go out with such a fire hazard in place. There you go, zero risk of being burgled.
( Ambiguous, Wed 11 Nov 2009, 9:24, Reply)

Making food look healthy
Imagine a pizza. Add toppings in the combo you want.

Get those toppings in a list, then add together in a bowl with some crunchy lettuce or something that bulks it up. Add "croutons" - pizza base! Add dressing.
Examples:

I love sausages, red onion, cherry tomatoes and spinach with tomato-type dressing.
Ham, pineapple, pepperoni with rocket.

Voila! "Healthy" looking food, otherwise known as a "salad".
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Wed 11 Nov 2009, 6:49, 13 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Get attention by acting surprised when your loved one who joined the army of their own volition gets deaded in Afghanistan.
Gain extra points by claiming it's the fault of politicans for starting wars.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 10 Nov 2009, 11:36, 13 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

STILL haven't found the "suggestion for a new QOTW" question?
Never fear!!!
Follow this link, and add "Part 2" after any of the previous questions.

b3ta.com/questions/

but... pay attention to the voice of the people... b3ta.com/questions/animals/ and note the most voted for answer...
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Tue 10 Nov 2009, 11:20, Reply)