Sshhhh...
Whispering.

I don't know why, but when women whisper it makes me go all wobbly. I suppose it has to do with the necessity of closeness & the natural, warm intimacy it entails.

But you try explaining that to a spunk covered librarian...
( moonjam, Sat 19 Feb 2005, 11:10, Reply)

Weird turn ons...
Shoulder blades and spines.

I don't know why, I'm not a butcher, or a closet serial killer, but if I see a young laydee with an opened back top on and she moves her arms, it's something special.

One girl caught me once at a club eyeing her up and remarked;
"What are you looking at?"
I replied in all honesty;
"I was just admiring your spine."

I now note that it is not a particularly efficient chat-up line, but is fairly efficient at getting your knackers kicked in.
( Geej, Thu 17 Feb 2005, 15:46, Reply)

Not me (honest, guv)
A friend tells the story of a girl he met who seemed fairly nice and conventional. Until, that is, he went back to her place for the first time. He opened the fridge and discovered it was full of Cadbury's Cream Eggs. It turns out that what turned her on was to insert one of these eggs and get the man to eat it out of her.

They dated for a while but he had to end it because, as he put it, "there's only so many Cadbury's Cream Eggs you can eat".
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Sun 20 Feb 2005, 15:39, Reply)

Photo
I learnt what little things don't turn me on when i worked in a photo lab in Manchester. We printed the film of a one legged, moustachioed transvestite sucking his own cock with a bedpost up has arse. In the same film he pissed into his own mouth and shagged his settee. Masterfully the final shot was of him ejaculating into his own face.

I admire his commitment to self abuse but it's not really my thing.

Bumholes are though.
(mudflaps, Mon 21 Feb 2005, 11:28, Reply)

The cat, with its hair gelled up a little, and some red lipstick

( Reckless_Rik, Fri 18 Feb 2005, 9:28, Reply)

Sing!
To the tune of The Sound Of Music's Favourite Things...

Gay boys in bondage
And schoolgirls with bullwhips
Bright shiny dildos
With 14 inch bell-ends
Pictures of homos
With things up their rings
These are a few of my favourite things...

When the clap strikes
When my knob shrinks
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favourite things
And then I just waaaaaannnkkk like mad!


/I'll get me coat
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 23 Feb 2005, 12:53, Reply)

I would be easier to list what doesn't turn me on


um


....



haddock?
( VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Fri 18 Feb 2005, 12:47, Reply)

I really like it
When a girl who is wearing glasses travels backwards in time so that I can watch her future self wiping her past self's bottom. Then we all sit around and drink bovril.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 18 Feb 2005, 11:26, Reply)

Mirkins
Worn as moustaches. By horses.
( ma0sm, Thu 17 Feb 2005, 18:38, Reply)

little things that turn me on
Tinkerbell from the film " Hook". "oh a play on words, how droll!!". No, i'm being totaly serious. the little slut. she just does not know how much trouble she would be in if i got my grubby little mits on her. i would need a hell of a lot of KY for what i have planned. it would be like trying to fit a sausage through the eye of a needle. NNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHHHHaaaaaaaaahhh.
i need to lie down. I think i just popped a vain in my head.
(Jeeves, Tue 22 Feb 2005, 16:59, Reply)

Crashing through
the patio doors at Kate Winslet's Milan apartment wearing a balacalva with 'ASS FUCKER' embroidered on it with a coil of barbed wire in one hand and a screwdriver in the other.

Ainslet Harriot having the top of his skull deftly hacked off with a machete then his brain scooped out and stuffed down the garbage disposal.

Spanking Shirley Manson (in the bright red wig) and then having a wank in her face with my bell-end casually flopping in and out of her open gob.
( routine has perfected burgers, Sat 19 Feb 2005, 1:50, Reply)

kiddie fiddling
Not that I'd do it, or would like it in real life, but I always get turned on by thinking about kids getting stiffed up the arse. But only when I'm having a wank, otherwise it'd be weird....
(poomypoo, Fri 18 Feb 2005, 23:19, Reply)

Norks
bazookas
bazoomies
berthas
McDuffs
blouse bunnies
boobs
boobies
bosom
boulders
brace and bits
breasts
bristols
bubbies
bubs
buds
buffers
busts
cantaloupes
chubbies
coconuts
Dolly Partons
dugs
dumplings
fun cushions
globes
grapefruits
headlights
hooters
hummers
jugs
knockers
mammaries
melons
milk wagons
muffins
norks
racks
ski slopes
thr’penny bits
tits
titties
twin mounds
top bullocks
tweeters
twin peaks
udders
woofers
(Von Trapp, Fri 18 Feb 2005, 12:32, Reply)

sinks
i love pissing in sinks
kitchen sinks
bathroom sinks
any sinks.

i havent pissed into a toilet for years
i lost my last girlfriend because of this
and ill probably lose my current one when she finds out!
(bovrilboy, Fri 18 Feb 2005, 9:49, Reply)

Midgets.
Oh yes, midgets dressed in little German uniforms.
mmmmm

Now do that little goose-step you diminutive nazi sex-pots. Yeah.
"Ver are your paperz?" oooh
"Ze cooler for you Mista McFlimby" yeaah
"Ve vill win zis war" BAYBEEE!
( Zak McFlimby Twibbling @McFlimby, Fri 18 Feb 2005, 9:07, Reply)

I turned Grandad off
His life support machine was making the electricity bill unacceptably high.
( B3tan Housewife, Fri 18 Feb 2005, 3:02, Reply)

oooh!
Stand up, scratch arse, clap hands, sit down
(Wrecked Tums, Wed 23 Feb 2005, 12:00, Reply)

MY GF
she rocks my world,
and the fact that she was on big brother and i know that thousands of guys were perving on her 5 nights a week and now shes all mine is kinda a nice feeling as well

if you want specifics, its her smile, her eyes and the way she says my name. (pathetic i know but it works for me)
(Funkwomble XBL and PSN DangerBoy73, Wed 23 Feb 2005, 5:17, Reply)

Waitrose
*oh god. OH GOD. OH GOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDDD* uuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
( Funtastic Pony Magic, Tue 22 Feb 2005, 21:08, Reply)

Top 3:
1) Women who can't read.
2) Four legged animals with their front legs bound together with rope.
3) The morbid understanding I receive from a German cannibal.
( busy phil is still bloody busy, Tue 22 Feb 2005, 12:12, Reply)

Well, where to start...?
A man's hipbones- the body's true love handles

The hollow in collar bones

Really strong thighs, calves and buttocks

Men with a deeper voice than me who can convincingly talk dirty

Myself- particularly when I strut into a pub and I get all the glances

Also myself quite literally- it's a rare day when I don't have my hand down my pants!

A really full, heavy set of balls. Who ever said that mens bits were ugly?! They're gorgeous! I could cock-watch all day and night. Men, be proud of your bits!

Giving blowjobs- possibly the most satisfying activity ever.

Having my skirt pulled up and my knickers pulled down and the man I'm going to marry burying his face in me and taking a great big lick.

Writing this at work in a crowded office...

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll just... erm... go to the toilet... *grin*

edit: thanks for the compliments! Y'know, I was actually having a bit of a self-conscious insecure week. But now I feel all sunny and sexy and magnificent once more. A complete Yay to b3ta, b3tans and the impromptu therapy. (Mr Clapper will be pleased!)xxx
(clapper, Tue 22 Feb 2005, 10:27, Reply)

Deeply Male.
I'm not sure if it's been pointed out yet.... but being male, I know that there's one thing that all blokes LOVE... and if you don't love it, you're broken and need to be fixed.

You have to admit it... the feel, the texture, the way it glistens in the light... the pure, un-tarnished meaning of it.. the way that you KNOW it's made for ONE thing and one thing only. It Exists to satisty where other things can't. You just KNOW it means business. It exudes perfection. It Drips with promise. But deep down, whenever yout think of it, you just have a deep urge to have it, to touch it and to have a reason to use it: you KNOW it's true.

Carbon Fibre just HAS to be the sexiest thing on this planet.

I've got wood, but I'd rather have Carbon.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Mon 21 Feb 2005, 9:44, Reply)

Kids toys get me going.
It's quite embarrasing when you get a boner but it's even worse when you get one while you're sitting next to your fit Aunt and you're both checking out the childrens section in an Argos catalogue.

We were sitting at the table discussing the purchassing of cots and pushchairs for a reason I cannot remember. Due to the way we were sitting I had a perfect view of her cleavage. That wasn't what set me off though. Deep into conversation about "away-facing" push chairs my aunt kept turning to me to talk and her breath kept hitting my neck and that sent shivers down my spine which resulted in me developing an instant and quite visable boner.

The conversation sooin fizzled out and she went to make tea for my sick granny in the other room. I never really knew if she though I was turned on by the children in the argos catalogue or her breasts but it's actually the feal of someones breath on my neck.
(dzee, Sun 20 Feb 2005, 14:55, Reply)

Have some of my non-sexual ones (I just don't think you're ready for the real stuff)
Tantrum Treats - Whenever I see a child in the supermarket having a hissy fit because their mum won't buy them a chocolate bar, I will compulsively take said chocolate bar and buy it immediately, preferably eating it in front of the child in a nonchalant manner.

The third look - when you're walking down the street, see a girl, smile, look away, look back, make eye contact a second time, look away, and then look back, you are sometimes greeted with 'the third look' - by this time you will have almost walked past each other, so you get a fantastically awkward moment where you're both almost walking backwards. Works best when she's obviously in a hurry.

The false start - when there is a large group of people waiting for the train, stand up and start walking towards the platform as though the train has arrived. See how many people follow you. Also works well with crossing the road - see how many people will step out into oncoming traffic just because they thought you were doing the same.

The boob check - when you smile at a girl and their first reaction is to check that their boobs are in the right place.

I'll go now.
( gronkpan @vomitinglarry.bsky.social, Sun 20 Feb 2005, 0:22, Reply)

it might not be that weird
but attractive girls in really good suits. i actually quite like girls with very short hair as well. and girls that drive with confidence.

now that i think about it. does this mean i'm living a lie and should just fancy men?
( new_matt, Sat 19 Feb 2005, 20:46, Reply)

Seeing a girl
shove something up her cunt.
( Black Moon Not cracked, I'm all up to be., Sat 19 Feb 2005, 0:13, Reply)

London Underground
Sitting on a Victoria Line train, between Seven Sisters station and Finsbury Park...the motion of the train rocking back and forth at high speed produces a rather pleasant sensation...its the ultimate handless ladyfwap! Try it whilst wearing a pearl thong!!!
(Ghost Batty Rider, Fri 18 Feb 2005, 17:39, Reply)

Bob Ross





I am ashamed.
(Corn Dog, Fri 18 Feb 2005, 2:26, Reply)

Women who are cleverer than me.
As this doesn't narrow it down too much, not being able to run away is also a good thing. And women who are nice.

Nice is under-rated.

Any clever, lovely quadraplegic women who are interested, Hello.
( dotmund .co.uk, Fri 18 Feb 2005, 0:18, Reply)

I like to be doused in petrol and set alight.
I also like the feeling of dry roast peanuts rubbing against my glans.
( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Thu 17 Feb 2005, 21:00, Reply)