Not useless
A mate of mine often spouts the only piece of advice that his dad ever passed on to him.

It comes out when one of us may comment on the attractiveness (rare) of a lady of the ginger persuasion.

It has proved true in my experience and that of most of my friends.

It is this: Rusty roof, smelly garage
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 12:03, Reply)

Merkin Labels
On a gym bunny high protein food bar.

"Warning contains sources of protein"

Americans PLEASE JUST STOP IT
(Yellow Car is now red, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 11:57, Reply)

NVQ Customer Services
Was advised by my old boss to try this course as it would further my chances of promotion within his company. I'd just finished 3 years of A Levels and I thought that this would be a bit of a space-filler, so I reluctantly agreed.
After being in the first lecture for 30 minutes and realising that I was the only person there who could read, I was a bit reluctant to continue the course. We'd reached the Health and Safety At Work Act, and I was being asked what the dangers were in the workplace.
The lecturer woman said at one point "You see, even the coffee machine can be dangerous". I burst out laughing at this stage.
"What's so funny?" she replies?
"Coffee machine, fucking deadly in the wrong hands luv" I respond, then promptly get up and leave, never to return.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 11:52, Reply)

Hindsight's a wonderful thing..
A FOF was working as a fitter in a factory, and inadvertently attempted to tease a blockage out of a metallic crevice using his finger.
Upon subsequent removal of said finger, he was hauled up in front of the Health and Safety chap, who could only proffer the following advice.
"Never put your finger where you wouldn't put your dick."
(Countryslicker, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 11:24, Reply)

Careers advisor
I told my careers advisor that they should maybe consider a change in career as sitting here telling 16 year olds that they should become carpenters is a dead end career.

After she stop crying I smiled and walked out.

(followed by A Levels - complete fuck up. Job - money and qualifications. Uni - on for a first! Placement year - earning even more and more qualifications. To do - final year at uni and take over the world.

Dont think building shit outta wood was such a good idea.)
(stevio is on the prowl for a girlfriend!, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 11:24, Reply)

eponymous, mine is rather like yours
Age 15, just after choosing GCSEs, I had a careers interview with our 23-year-old careers advisor.
"Have you considered becoming a plumber?" She asked, after fifteen minutes of chat.
"No" "Are you sure?"
"I want to go to university"
"Really, you're smart but are you sure you can afford it?"
"That's up to me."
"I think I'm going to ask you to leave if you're not going to take my advice."

About eighteen months later, I went back, reluctantly. I was revising for my GCSEs, and working like anything. I opened the door, and met not one, but two of the leeches, looking at a folder.
"It says here that last time we saw you we recommended that you take an apprenticeship to become a plumber. Have you thought about doing that?"
"No." "Are you sure? According to this file we're not sure your parents do jobs that would allow you to go to university."
"What the hell?"
"We don't think that you should viably consider university until later in your life. If you do an apprenticeship you could earn whilst you train."
"You're suggesting I don't even do A-levels?"
"Yes, we've arranged something specially for you, you just need to go to the college tomorrow."
"Fuck off."

So now I'm at Oxford Uni and they're both fired (they suggested that the son of the headteacher had no hope in life). I win.
( Dave the Mighty, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 11:13, Reply)

Carrers Advisors
I can relate to eponymous on that one. My carrers advisor was a complete twunt. According to her computar my best career option was Royal Marines Commando, despite the fact I'm VERY alergic to bullets. How on earth she though that I (a scrawny 14 year old nerd, and a complete coward to boot) would last in that, or my second and third prospective careers, Merchant Navy Rating, and Nuclear Technition, I have no idea. She must have been on a forces commission, so many of my friends ended up there. Still it could be worse, her computar advised a friend of mine to be a Diver, despite the fact he CAN'T FUPPIN SWIM!

*POP*

p.s. she also had never held onto a job for more than six months in such varied careers as blackjack dealer, amature boxer, teacher of ICT, delivary van driver, and a whole host of menial jobs. Still, she had a lot of experience in a plethora of careers I suppose.
(Spiked_Rycroft The Prodigal Son, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 11:03, Reply)

overheard in the podiatric surgery department...
"Sir, your surgery involves breaking two bones in your foot, no you can NOT go on a walking holiday the following weekend!"

fairly useful advice you would think, but it counts as useless as he wouldn't bloody listen.
( eponymous Oh!, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 10:23, Reply)

The bigger they are the harder they fall
No...

The bigger they are the harder they hit you.
(Yellow Car is now red, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 10:22, Reply)

advice given to me by a GP
whilst she was using a speculum -

"it'll be more comfortable if you try to relax"
( eponymous Oh!, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 10:05, Reply)

Fight
If surrounded by a group of blokes who want to beat you up, go for the biggest one first.

No, just fucking run if you want to avoid a kicking. You're only going to make the big bloke even angrier.
(quedge, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 9:59, Reply)

careers 'advice'
I once had a careers interview that went thus:

"So, what would you like to do after school?"

"I was thinking... go to college, do 3 A levels then go to university. I quite like Warwick."

"Hmm. Yes. A levels. Have you considered work based training?"

"Huh? No I said college..."

"Oh, college, right, right. What about a BTEC at the technical college? That's a college."

"but to go to uni I'd need A levels"

"tell you what, i'll just write it down on the form anyway"

"Well...with my GCSE grades I really think that would be a waste of..."

"Modern apprenticeship?"

*SLAMS DOOR*

I think she had some quotas to fill.
( eponymous Oh!, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 9:48, Reply)

"A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down"
says Mary Poppins. No wonder she was so hyper.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 9:09, Reply)

Along the lines of micmac...
My girlfriend had the unfortunate occurrence of having miscarriage back in March...

Without going into the details, the registrar on the Obs/Gynae ward said that the options available to remove the foetus were 1) remain in hospital and have some drugs to abort, 2) have an operation to remove said dead foetus, or 3) conservative management (basically, let nature takes its course).

'Conservative' you say? Nature taking its course you say? Seems like a plan... 'So,' I ask the registrar, who was, I should add, female, 'how much pain does this conservative management cause?'
'Nothing worse than severe period pains,' came the answer of god knows how many years medical training.

Fast forward a couple of days and my girlfriend is in absolute agony, I can see the contractions on her abdomen as her body is trying to get rid of the bundle of dead cells that had been until recently growing within her.

If I ever see that registrar again... I think that having a charge of ABH against me would be a small price to pay.

Moral of the tale: If you are unfortunate enough to have a miscarriage, DO NOT opt for the conservative management option.

And you were expecting a heart-warming tale on a Monday morning? Get to fuck! The length and girth were what got us into the situation in the first place!
(Tibbins, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 8:55, Reply)

"We'll look after your son, just sign here....."
Bastard, I thought Madonna was a funny name for a babysitter.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 7:46, Reply)

Think of the starving children in Africa
And eating food I don't want will help them...how?

My mum had a friend when she was little who, when told by her mother, "Think of the starving poor in China" (that tells you how old my mum is!) put her leftovers into an envelope and addressed it "To the Starving Poor in China"
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 7:30, Reply)

Sailing
At a dinner party many moons ago, i was reading the hosts course notes for a sailing thingy he was doing at the time.

I found that the fifth rule of sailing, i.e the fifth most important thing is :-

Look Out.

Wouldn't you think that would be somewhere near the top of the list?
(McFlu, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 6:53, Reply)

Worst Advice Ever
From an Obs/Gynae registrar: Don't have a Ceasarian Section, natural is best, and if anything does go wrong, we will have you in theatre in a flash.
Yeah. Right. 12 hours later, and my wife is in agony trying to deliver twins, one of which, as we found out later, is coming down shulder first. There were also 2 other pregnant ladies in trouble, and only 1 Anaethatist on call. Result? One dead set of twins, one live birth, and we lost one of the boys. Natural is best my arse. If I ever set eyes on that smug cunt of a Reg, I will rip out his fucking eyes
(micmac is happy as a pig in shite, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 6:25, Reply)

They Say Money Can't Buy You Happiness
But it can help you look for it while driving a Ferrari.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 3:01, Reply)

try everything
I was at a friends house party last year, thinking my self quiet the big man (this, unbeknown to me could be called the height of my heavy drinking period, which had led flat mates to worry about me being an alcohaloic. Any way, I'd been as pissed as a scot on a weekday the night before, so I decided to take it easy, hence I remember this truly terribleadvice a stranger gave a friend of mine.

"At university, take whatever is offered to you, any thing at all dont say no. Drugs, sex, drinks. Take it all."

So your telling me my friend should take any drugs offered by any one whilst having any type of sex offered by any one? Call me old fashion, but the idea of shooting heroin into my balls while fucking a cat and having a fat guy shit in my mouth a situation im faily sure I'd find uncomfortable.

I feel its worth mentioning that the guy did not move out of home to go to uni, had never touched drugs and wasnt much of a drinker. He did however know know everything about everything and have a rather too stong attraction to my friends underage sister, that stemmed back years. He was 20, she was 15, hes apparently been into her since she was 13, which too me, says peado. dirty, bad advice giving peado.
(Mong goose, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 1:43, Reply)

They Say Money Can't Buy You Happiness

Well I guess I'll have to rent it.
(Ka-Tingey www.myspace.com/paultingey weekly updated funnies, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 1:05, Reply)

tonight
"you do know you have to get off at 'shit tip station' because 'scumhole station' further down the line got burned down right?"

no
but thanks for that
15 minutes out of the station
(scumbum, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 0:22, Reply)

While out in London the other day...
my good friend Tom, concerned by my lack of confidence while crossing the road in the big city, advised me that when tackling a public highway by foot, you should 'stand your ground'.
Mental.
(RiderOfRohan high:mid:low, Mon 23 Oct 2006, 0:08, Reply)

The old man, God bless him, and...
me aged 15/16, camping holiday, little bro & Ma elsewhere, so we've been down to the local and had one of the first good chats about life, the universe et al. But he's also spotted that a young lady has been eyeing me up all night (I see it now, but I didn't see it then, d'accord).

Which presumably prompted his comment, back under canvas, as we were settling down to sleep: "Son, always use a sheath when you are with a woman".

WTF? At the time I honestly thought he was talking about knights and dragons, so asked no further questions.

I think I realised what a sheath was at about the same time that I realised that the lady had been interested in me (ie, about now, too many years later!)

By the way, does anyone use "rubber johnnies" any more?
(spikeofax, Sun 22 Oct 2006, 22:51, Reply)

Engrish
I got a box of "Crab Spawn Biscuits" from the local Chinese supermarket. The back of it said:

DIRECTIONS: Open box and eating.

It worked for me.

Sadly, they did not contain any actual crab.
( KersaI Missive Free Michael Shields! with Monday's Liverpool Echo, Sun 22 Oct 2006, 22:44, Reply)

"on becoming a father", by my dad
i had a phone conversation with my father earlier today which could not have come at more opportune time, in terms of noticeboard fulfillment.

me and mrs me have been married 6 years now and havent cared at all for starting a family. only lately, when faced with teh choice of getting another dog or having a baby, did we think that it actually might be ok to start having kids.

so to summarise, mrs me is off the pill and i'm off the drink, which should go someway to improving our breeding programme. now i had to break this to my old boy earlier when he did the usual monthly phonecall where he made me feel inadequate for not yet siring a wean.

i told him about missing the drink, and i swear, this was his advice:

"never listen to that rubbish about drinking and pregnancy, me and your ma smoked and drank right up to when she went into labour. best thing to raise the sperm count is to have a pint of guinness and then put your balls in a bowl of cold water. it worked for me. twice"

how do i get that vision of my father with his bits in a pyrex bowl out of my mind? now i cant even look at my wife, let alone make the sweeeeeet looove.
(big fat lazy man on a sofa is giving his piles a bloody good clawing, Sun 22 Oct 2006, 22:27, Reply)

on a bar of soap..
use like regular soap

and that would be how.....?


.
(i eat crayons, Sun 22 Oct 2006, 21:54, Reply)

Out of the mouths of Babes...
My 10 year old cousin very wisely said to me "Life is too short not to take risks to be happy". Very profound I thought from one so young. Told my lover this who then told his wife how much he loved me. Now his every move is monitored and we rarely get to see each other to say hello let alone have mind-blowing sex... Last time I take advice from a child.
( PagDrag don't think we're in kansas anymore toto..., Sun 22 Oct 2006, 21:50, Reply)

Lost..
Upon losing something, being told "try to think where you where when you last had it"

If I could remember that I wouldn't have fucking lost it.
( PieJuice, Sun 22 Oct 2006, 21:44, Reply)