Never cast a clout
Until the month of May is out.

Don't take your jumper off in the middle of May? Toss off.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 19 Oct 2006, 13:23, Reply)

Busdriver/Cock
A few weeks ago i was getting on my regular bus to work and, being a reet lanky cunt at 6 ft 4, hit my head on the top of the entrance bit. Queue me performing a sort of indian ritual dance, holding my battered noggin and prancing around on one foot, whilst the air turned blue at an alarming rate.

Matey behind the wheel simply says "Oooh, mind out!".

MIND FUCKING OUT?? Yeah thanks for that, SPACKTARD, i nearly hurt myself there!!

Honestly..some people.
(BatCountry organised, attended, and was thrown out on, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 13:22, Reply)

3 things a man needs
I delivered newspapers for a chap that told me a nugget of wisdom which although seems sound on the face of it has never really done me any good.

The 3 things a man needs to be happy:

Tight pussy
Loose shoes
and a warm place to shit.

ah thankyouverymuch.
(Lurkaloid awarded wanking black belt on, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 13:19, Reply)

My aunt.
My Aunt has this odd affection for insects. During the summer I'd have to go into a room that always had at least one bee or wasp trapped in it at least several times a day. Her advice - "Don't kill any of them!"

So I whipped out the can of raid and sprayed the fuckers until they were dead. The point of this story? I've never once been stung by an insect.
(ElectricMonk is falling awake on, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 13:14, Reply)

'Smile, it might never happen'...
...the reason I'm not smiling when some vacuous tit comes up with that gem is that it's usually FUCKING WELL HAPPENED ALREADY, so in addition to being utterly redundant, it's also annoying in addition to whatever what annoying me before.

Stupid twats. Why else would I look unhappy to any degree unless something had made me that way?

EDIT@frankspencer: Yeah, it's occurred to me a few times to say 'Unless you want it to happen to you, leave me the fuck alone' - now I think about it, treating the twunts to some frying pan-type SPANGGGG! action would cheer me up no end :)
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 13:11, Reply)

going to Uni..
my dad unveiled his words of wisdom:

"Every time you go to the bar, only order halves. That way, you wont get drunk".

Spent 4 years going to the bar twice as many times as everyone else.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 13:09, Reply)

A wise old Glasweigan
I say wise old Glasweigan, I mean a piss'ead in McDonald's just before closing. Anywho, he was about to leave, we were right behind him, as he gets to the exit, he drops his burger onto the wet, dirty street. He then stares at this burger and, remembering the 5 second rule, snaps it back up again. He then turns to me and says, "Y'see the problem with this country is we don't eat enough shite, if we ate more shite, no one would have things like asthma." He then took a big bite out of his burger and buggered off into the cold Scottish night.
(I R Advertiser How can you live like this you're out of control?, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 13:08, Reply)

Duh
My little boy has a soft toy Giraffe from Mothercare - Aptly named "Mr Giraffe", he lives with Mr Hippo, Mr Lion, Mr Elephant and Barney (Don't ask).

All of them sport labels about washing, as you would expect - however all the labels also say "Don't iron".

I mean, why - why oh why would you even think about it???
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 13:08, Reply)

Hot hot hot
Why is it whenever someone says "Don't touch that, it's hot/wet/etc" you then have to do it....

I've been burnt, covered in paint, got soaked, stalled a car, etc

Does that qualify as useless advice??

Eyethankyou
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 13:05, Reply)

Useless advice....
"Post Your Own Story"
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 13:04, Reply)

More advice
Try everything at least once?? I'm not sure receiving bum-sex or listening to Celine Dion should be included in this list??
(timbrooketaylor, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 13:04, Reply)

Bah!
All the way through school, college etc. I never new what I wanted to do when I grew up. I pondered this for hours whilst tinkering with my spectrum 48k, and then later playing lots of music really loudly. The advice I received from my parents:

- Don't play to long on your computer, you'll hurt your eyes.
- Don't play so much music so loudly, you'll hurt your ears.

Soon enough it rolled round to the end of my GCSE's and I had to choose options for my A levels. Mum, being a teacher at a private school snuck me in to their computer room to do some kind of career test thing. The computer's advice:

- Be an architect
- Be a window cleaner
- Be a teacher.

I didn't want to do any of these, and as they didn't do courses on tinkering with computers and playing music really loudly at the time, I did some other stuff and ended up at uni doing Media Production with Business. Which I've never used.

So after going through the UK education system and running up a massive amount of debt, only to gain qualifications I've never used what do I do for a living?

I'm a techie and I DJ for a bit of extra cash.

I could have been doing that aged 14 if I hadn't followed anyone's advice.
(ralphseviltwin, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 12:59, Reply)

Adivce
Do not iron clothes whilst wearing them?? This shits me to high heaven.
(timbrooketaylor, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 12:59, Reply)

Actually, some incredibly *useful* advice
that sounds useless.

Gomez Addams. "Never go to bed angry, or on fire."

I've done neither; and I'm honestly very happy.
( Bats, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 12:42, Reply)

"Always wear clean underwear, just in case you get run over"
Yes mother, thank you for this invaluable bit of advice.

When I was run over by the ageing boy racer who lived down the road from us, the first thing I did when pinned under his MOT-failure Triumph Herald, staring the Grim Reaper in the face, was to empty both my bladder and my bowels.

So: don't bother changing your pants, boys and girls - it makes not the slightest bit of a difference.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 12:41, Reply)

everything in moderation
said to me by X; a thrice divorced alcoholic, transvestite, gambler covered in Tats'
'just like you, eh?' i said.
'naturally' ses X

'your round then' I ses 'and don't pork the scratchings....'
(mickturate if i could be arsed i'd be bored, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 12:35, Reply)

ah, new parent stories
I have also not long had a(nother) small bundle of joy arrive in the house. Of the many sets of clothes we were given, one had the particularly useful label:

"In the interest of safety, it is advisable to keep your child away from fire and flames".

Thanks for that M&S, I was about to throw him on the BBQ.
(Spidge New sig needed, donations gratefully accepted., Thu 19 Oct 2006, 12:32, Reply)

belms
Wish i was told about the crisp packet condom thing.

I used salt and vinegar and it don't half sting when you get a few little crisp cuts...and you get crumbs everywhere....probably should have ate the crisps first, but hey ho, needs must.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 12:24, Reply)

Death by knife licking
After being caught licking a knife by her dentist mother, a mate of mine was told if she kept doing that she'd cut her tongue, and you can't put a plaster on your tongue, so she'd bleed to death.

Not sure if that's medically accurate; but she's never licked a knife since and hasn't bled to death, so I guess it must be good advice.
(Picotee, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 12:22, Reply)

WWMD?
What would Mohammed do? The great thing about this question is that the answer is either "Marry her", "Put them to fire and the sword", or "Roll over like a bitch". Good advice for all possible situations!
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 12:20, Reply)

WWJD
Yeah, what would Jesus do if he was slaving away in a shit and dehumanising job, living in an awful flat and subsisting on a paltry wage that's only just just enough to cover the bills?

There was no council tax in first-century Palestine, so take your gospel and cram it, Lord.
(frankspencer, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 12:13, Reply)

LIES
Moments before anyone medical inserts a needle into me, they always say "just a small scratch, it might sting a little bit"

Why lie?

If it hurts like a bastard, why not tell me the truth, as i will never trust anything you say afterwards otherwise.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 12:10, Reply)

advice rage
I fucking hate those pompous cnuts that spout bullshit advice down the phone on national daytime telly, they exist entirely because some vomit evolved.

not much help, still "what goes around comes around" eh?

does it fuck.

lalalalala

useless advice? Don't juggle hermaphrodites

useful advice (when in Ely) Don't stare at the locals

phut.
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 12:09, Reply)

WWJD
Also, those bloody "What Would Jesus Do?" wristbands. Stupidest advice ever. Jesus lived 2,000 years ago, and, in their minds at least, was the Son of God. If I walked into Great Ormond Street hospital and started turfing children out of bed, telling them to walk, and spitting on blind people, I'd get a restraining order.
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 12:06, Reply)

My dear old Ma RIP
Had so many absolutely mental thing to pass on.
One of my favourites had to be when she saw me using vaseline on winter-chapped lips. She narrowed her eyes and told me to be careful not to get it on my face as it would make me hairy.
Do you know I was 30 years old and found myself repeating this wisdom to a colleague who was about to run the same risk as I had all those years ago. I heard myself saying it and faltered as I reached the end of my sentence, looking round the room at the faces of my bemused and frankly worried colleagues.

Dear old Ma.
(Siouxfan I'm not staring at you, I am just short sighted, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 12:05, Reply)

There are plenty more fish in the sea.
But ti's not just the smell I miss
(Ka-Tingey www.myspace.com/paultingey weekly updated funnies, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 12:04, Reply)

My Mum
Is the Queen of useless advice, she dispenses it prodigiously, and with relish. She is the mistress of the obvious. Most of them are cliched, but nonetheless make me grind my teeth down to a stump.

"Be careful"
"Make sure you don't drink and drive"

Sounds principles I know, but do they really need to be repeated every time I go out? I guess it's her way of showing she cares, but still. It's gotten to the point where I drive back and tell her I forgot to put my lights on all the way back, or say "it's fine, it was only one bottle of wine", just to wind her up. I know, bastard thing to do, but it's just too satisfying.

Oh, and one of my friends was talking about the sex education he received whilst in school, all the usual spiel was recited as usual, but apparently they also felt the need to add the warning "Don't use a crisp packet as a condom". I'm unsure as to a) How you would go about wrapping your todger in a crisp packet b) which flavour would be best suited and c) whether to have it shiny side in or out.

Back to my mum as well actually, she managed to deliver the contraception talk a year after I'd lost my virginity, while I was with a girlfriend who I wasn't having sex with. Gah.

PS: I love her really, I'm not actually a bastard. Although I'm sure you despise me for having wasted so much of your time.
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 12:03, Reply)

Work hard and play hard
They told us that at uni. I spent years drinking tea, masturbating, avoiding lectures and doing nothing useful with my time whatsoever.

I've got two first class degrees.
(frankspencer, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 12:02, Reply)

Pennies make poun...

Oh, wait, that was useful.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 11:57, Reply)