Punts & Kilts
Free punt hire after the wedding - hurrah! Cue Mr Hidden in full dress kilt punting a group of us down the river.

Lovely.

However, we were jeered at by hecklers on the river bank, who shouted:

"You can take our punts, but you can never take our... FREEDOM!"

How we laughed (especially as "punts" is the Aberdeenshire pronunciation of "pants").
( Hidden Mouse, Sleeping Kitten Gromada? Gromada!, Sat 16 Jul 2005, 23:07, Reply)

re uncle tom
what's worse is surely doing the time warp "again"
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Sat 16 Jul 2005, 22:59, Reply)

in my defense i was only very small
but i did kick up a fuss and scream at the vicar, who wasn't pleased. I don't think god will ever forgive me for shouting at one of his manservants.
(Le mango, Sat 16 Jul 2005, 17:58, Reply)

Been ages since I went to a wedding (abt 10 yrs)
But when I did I danced to the Time Warp. What could be worse?
( Uncle Tom I command thee to wibble, Sat 16 Jul 2005, 16:51, Reply)

Punch Up
Working on some building site in Mittagong, got to know this Pommy tiler. Pretty rough sort of bloke, liked a bit of a blue.

One lunch he showed me photos of his wedding (marriage lasted 9 months) and I noticed some blood his white tux. It was from the fight he had had with his new brother-in-law, outside the church. All class.
(Pleiades, Sat 16 Jul 2005, 15:05, Reply)

Shocking speech
I used to work as head barman at a venue which hosted weddings. Come the speeches I would gather the barmaids to listen to them and then we would decide on how long we gave the marriage before it broke down in acrimony - the shortest was about an hour when one of my staff caught the groom in the beer cellar with a bridesmaid.

Anyway, one wedding staged with us was obviously a bit of a rush job, the bride's father oiling his (no doubt Purdey) shotgun.

The groom came from what can only be described as a salt-of-the-earth (ie chav) background, while his bride was from a very posh family.

The reception was a lovely affair, the chavs only occasionally had to be prevented from stealing our fixtures and fittings, and the toffs being thoroughly amused at their working class antics - until the speeches.

The groom made a lovely, respectful and eloquent speech, before rounding it off with: "Thanks everyone for coming and making this special day so wonderful. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to fuck the missus."

Half the room erupted into cheers, the other half's jaws hit the tables simultaneously.

First time poster. Apologies for length, but some of you like it.
(batsub, Sat 16 Jul 2005, 14:51, Reply)

aah. whisky.
attended a friends sisters' wedding, drank a bottle of Jack Daniels, got one of his NINETEEN-YEAR-OLD cousins very drunk, split a pill with her, ended up in a vacant room, did her up the arse, robbed two wallets, three packs of tabs, and a Nokia from jackets left on chairs by the dancefloor. Got thrown out for being sick by the buffet table. Not spoken since. Happy days.
(jameslib, Sat 16 Jul 2005, 12:13, Reply)

Wedding antics
For some reason, I can't go to a wedding without getting absolutely bladdered (apart from my own where I was sober as a judge).

The worst time was that of a collague around 11 years ago. I volunteered to drive 3 girls from the office up to a hotel in Swindon where we were staying the night.
Got there and dumped stuff in rooms, then headed for the bar. Had some time to kill until the reception so had a couple of pints to get going. Established with the bar staff that they would stay open for us when we got back.

Went to reception at a nice Country Club. Our manager from work had taken lots of lovely snaps at the wedding and reception, but left her camera on the table. About 8 pints of Lowenbrau took care of any possibility that I could consider any consequences for my actions, so the camera was duly liberated and taken to the men's toilets where colleagues created various photographic masterpieces involving hairy arseholes and bollocks. The camera was returned to the table, but the manager later found out what had happened. Apparrently she refused to get the film developed, therefore sacrificing her whole record of the couple's happy day.

The antics didn't stop there. Went back to the hotel around midnight. Most headed for the bar where we carried on with pints and then hit the tequila. 3 or so blurry hours pass by, and there's just myself and one other colleague left in the bar. The only other person is a French barman who cleans tables, puts chairs up, hoovers around us, and polishes the bar before buggering off into the kitchen. My colleague who is also slurring and giggling like a bastard, decides that we need more tequila. Before I know it, he's jumped over the bar, grabbed the tequila, and thrown it to me. Cue the barman who returns to find one pissed bloke on the wrong side of the bar, and another pissed bloke on the right side of the bar clutching the aforementioned bottle.
He starts to throw a fit in French/English at which point we apologise profusely and scuttle off to our respective rooms, watched all the way by a scowling barman. We were that close to getting thrown out, but my colleague used his best slurred smarm to weasel his way out of it.
I woke up the next morning with the mother of all hangovers. I crept out to breakfast but couldn't touch a thing. Apparently I was green. Had to get one of the girls to drive my car home.

Didn't learn my lesson and still get plastered at weddings to this day.
(Sonic promises not to spray it in her eyes next time!, Sat 16 Jul 2005, 3:58, Reply)

Temporarily forgot she was his ex
At my youngest bro's wedding, all 10 of us and our mom walked into the reception hall and headed for the "reserved" tables. My father who had gone through an incredibly bitter, acrimonious divorce with Mom was sitting at the head table. He caught sight of her and jumped up to bellow, "Hey, that's only for family!" My mother whips around, slaps her chest and screams back, "What am I, chopped liver?"

We tried to slink away, but our parents made us acknowledge them.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Sat 16 Jul 2005, 3:33, Reply)

beach weddings
One of my close friends decided to get married on the beach. Upon arriving, we (all of the groomsmen) discovered that the bride's parent's had only set up accomodations for the bride's family, bride, groom, and bridal party. We were told that we would be camping 10-15 miles from the actual wedding site. Fucking great. Long story short, bride's family didn't really care for any of the groomsmen too much.

This presented a real opportunity for us to act like a bunch of twats. All of the groom's party (being in college and presented with unlimited free alcohol) got completely shitcanned both the night before, and the night of the wedding.

Hilarity ensues...
First Night:: everyone gets kicked out of the house that was hosting the party. But not before acquiring several cases of beer, and bottles of wine and liquor. Back at the campsite, everyone drank and smoked on the beach until the sun came up. Time to pass out..."OH SHIT!" we're all late for the wedding rehearsal.

Cut to a group of six guys, and their dates, all walking in an hour late. Obviously all in various states of sobriety. And the first thing anyone says other than "sorry for being late" was "right. no fucking alarm clocks without a proper power supply".

Finally "GO TIME":: Wedding goes off better than expected. At the reception, however, the entire wedding party is constantly being told stories of how the groom's men have been absolutely off their ass for around twenty four hours. Until it was obvious that we weren't welcome any more. There weren't even any hot brides maids.

Last night there:: Passed out on the beach with friends. Upon finding campsite again, the tent is destroyed and we had to sleep outside. Woke up at 6a.m. b/c of all of the bug bites. And to top this weekend off, my best friend and I almost got left at the beach b/c no one could find us as our cell phones were dead (right. hard to charge a fucking cell phone without a proper power supply). Anyway, no more weddings for me, thanks. I'm done.

first post... Too long? Never heard that before!
(wolfe, Sat 16 Jul 2005, 3:08, Reply)

quakers
Not many people get to go to a quaker wedding, but I got to when I was 21 - a friend of mine from high school had done a year abroad at her university in Florence and had met an Italian gelato-scooper with carpal tunnel syndrome (and thus he was not prospering in the scooping profession, being out on medical leave, and all) and fallen madly in love and he proposed before she returned to the USA.

The family plans the wedding. The first hurdle is that the authorities are suspicious of letting an Italian enter the USA to get married - must just be after a green card, of course. So he's denied entry. So the two of them fly to Canada and get married there first in a civil ceremony, as this apparently makes him less suspicious.

The quaker church is like a square arena - pews up all four sides. The couple getting married sits in the middle and lets those around them get "quaked" - moved to speak by god - whereupon many relatives and friends stand up one by one and say obviously very rehearsed (and sometimes written down - so much for the quaking bit) things to the pair, which the bride mumbles translations to the groom, as our scooper hasn't taken on much English yet.

The thing about quaker weddings is that while you invite your guests, any old nutter who normally attends services there is also welcome to attend. So there are a few people there that the parents of the bride recognize but don't actually know. During the ceremony, one of said nutters stands up and begins:

"Your love reminds me of a stump in my grandparents' backyard..." and continues to blather on for about 10 minutes about playing around this maggotty rotten old stump. Comparisons to a tree, what with growing, and branching out, and allusions to "family tree" I would understand, but "rotten old stump" conjured up some different images and I had to have a bit of a coughing fit to cover up my bad behavior - my whole row was giggling away madly.

While the poor bride spoke fairly good Italian, "stump" hadn't really been covered so she lied and summarized more along the lines of tree for the scooper.
(pantherwest, Sat 16 Jul 2005, 2:44, Reply)

a few details from being a best man :
Speech made 3 hours before wedding, after a heavy session on the beer.
saying how the brides father put a good spread on, well he did pay for a lapdance for the groom a week earlier :oD
speech went bad with people talking, though the 2 bottles of red wine didnt help and the fact i was making it up!
no bridemaids to dance with, one was married, the others were all under 7!
Leaving around 1am and finding out the kic-offs started not much later, bridesmade bit someone in an argument, brides father got drunk and loud....
drunk uncle trying to scam my red wine off the table (where the bride/etc was!). He said no-one was drinking it, i said "Well i will be" and grabbed it!

Also bad that all the pics i took with my camera have had comments that they are better than the official bloke there!
(HomerJH, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 23:56, Reply)

another one
I was a bridesmaid at my sister's wedding. Have rarely been so well-dressed or well-behaved in my entire life. We're from the Wirral and her husband is an Essex boy, so the ushers were placing people in the church by asking "North or South?" instead of "Bride or Groom?"

Had a great time at the reception, being a bridesmaid meant I kept getting bought drinks. The dancefloor was packed and trying to get back to my table, I managed to spill a full pint of Boddingtons into the lap of a woman that I didn't know. Funny how people take offence at being soaked with the cream of Manchester...
(juicer, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 21:31, Reply)

The Drunken Uncles
My cousin got married into a posh family from Chesire, and the wedding was held in their posh Chesire village. Imagine how good this looked to the posh guests: my family turned up at the church in a rented coach.

The ceremony was very nice and fancy, our side of the church (the poor side) getting glared at for giggling during "All things bright and beautful" (well they kept the purple-headed mountains verse in, what did they expect?). While the bride and groom were out signing the register, one guest got up and sang Ave Maria, really well too. Not knowing if applause was acceptable in church, we just kept quiet when he finished. Except for my Australian Uncle who blurted out into the fabulous acoustics of the church: "Good on yer, mate!"

It wasn't too bad so far. We all piled back on the coach and followed the BMWs and Mercedes to the reception. The bride and groom went the long way round by horse-drawn carriage. It took them almost 2 hours and there was an open bar until they arrived. We barely noticed that they'd arrived, we were sat at the table closest to the bar with about 40 full pints on it, my uncles fetching as much as they could carry before they had to start paying.

I can barely remember the wedding breakfast, let alone the reception, but I do remember someone throwing up on the coach on the way home. Classy, eh?
(juicer, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 21:25, Reply)

Switcheroo (not a transvestite kangaroo)
A woman my family knows got married, and their "friends" took all their clothes out of the happy couple's suitcase and replaced them with newspaper.

They didn't find out until they got to the honeymoon.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 21:10, Reply)

Poor bloke.
We set up my, very nervous, best man with a bogus wedding card. We asked him to read out a few cards of congratulations which contained the classic. "Congratulations from your Scottish cousins' Ben Dover & Phil McCavity. Oh how we laughed.
:)
(Tronn206, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 20:31, Reply)

cake
I went to a really emotional wedding the other day, even the cake was in tiers.

Gets coat
(col2e, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 19:24, Reply)

my best mate stephen is a ginger cunt
he went over to ireland last year for his cousins wedding. at the reception he got fucking wankered, pulled down his trousers and got his cock out for his whole familly to see. i mean it wudent really be that bad but he had a fucking erection.
(fwack bang on it, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 18:47, Reply)

Another slice vicar?
My mate just told me, he once sneaked into the room where the wedding party was going to be held, in the hotel he worked in. He just told me, he fucked the cake. I think he is either a demented lost soul or just a cunt. What do you think? Actually, he most definately is the latter, so I guess it's true then.
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Fri 15 Jul 2005, 18:33, Reply)

Wedding horror
once i was at a wedding, quite drunk, i was on the dance floor andi shit my self.




quite unfortunate, but i was only 5.
(viva_le_boosh, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 18:27, Reply)

Argh AIMBOT!
At a friends wedding reception everyone was wankered after a heavy days drinking.

The groom thought he was unobserved and nipped off to have a quick word with my sister (he was already in deep shit for the unjustified rumours his bride had heard about the two of them).

Cue the wild-eyed bride arriving at speed swinging her handbag and nailing him again and again on the jaw while she screamed abuse and he tried to calm her down. I had never seen a mentalist in a wedding dress before.

Don't complain bitch - You love the girth....
(gobbo, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 18:24, Reply)

i was guest of honour...
Myself and a buddy were climbing and camping in a nature reserve in South Africa when a big (BIG) storm hit the area we were in. Everything was soaked.

Anyway - heading back to our camp I spied a marquee...

So I hatched the idea that as we were the only ones around we should use it to get some shelter. The chairs or food on tables did not deter me as I draped my soaked tent over some chairs, hung my clothes out to dry on some climbing rope tied to the corners and fired up my camping stove to cook some pasta.

It was at that moment, wearing nothing buy my skidmarked underpants and squatting in front of a bowl of pasta that the wedding party arrived, walking through the door and only 5 minutes ahead of the bridal couple...

Oh how they laughed.
( zulu eh?, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 18:18, Reply)