Dave Chappelle ta muchly
"I hate it when I hear my girl say 'we have to talk' cos it means we have to talk about shit I've gotta do."
(The_Greyhound wrote www.luckymcdanger.blog.co.uk on, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 15:11, Reply)

Threadjacking?
I think we need to revisit our core values here and now, get all our ducks in a row, and try to stay on topic!

There's enough management bollocks being spoken out there without bringing it here.

I wanna hear more brokenhearted fools!
(Mr Steve is jobless and fancyfree!, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 15:05, Reply)

More corporate spiel
Just surrendered my lunch hour for a vacuous presentation by a bumbling arse who was in love with the sound of his own voice, deeply so. Anyway, the now clichéd phrases and other nonsense he spouted included:

core business
client focused
one stop shop
win win situation
integrated systems provider
bespoke solutions

He also said product approximately three times in every sentence. What a wanker!

Apologies for lack of wit but I'm annoyed. I had my time wasted, my intelligence insulted and I wanted to use my lunchtime to buy a microwaveable chicken tikka from M&S because they come with a free balti bowl.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 14:56, Reply)

er, 'we don't need to talk'
Do not: 'reply via email, flowers, mutual friends, letters or by phone'
(and I kinda guessed that to include Mime, Dance, Puppetry etc)
does this count as 'on topic'?
(mickturate if i could be arsed i'd be bored, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 14:54, Reply)

Haw!
suboftheday, you were cheating. Why didn't you just say "It's really obvious that you don't like me any more, but that you haven't got the spine to say so. That's fine with me because I've met someone else who does like me. Bye." Done, and no cheating involved.

I'm sure I would have been on the receiving end of "We need to talk." But my then girlfriend, of about 8 months, decided to convey this through the medium of mime. The mime involved sticking her tongue down another bloke's throat at a club.






Whore.





Not bitter. I'm with someone who is much better.
(flimflam_machine, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 14:29, Reply)

Bok
you gave her a sympathy blow job?

we need to talk...I think your ex was a dude

additionally:
management speak sucks
we need someone proactive to champion (worst word ever) and take ownership in order to facilitate synergies.....
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 14:00, Reply)

insane business jargon

the worst offenders are actually the Japanese. Sometimes it seems like they have their own word for everything!

(Steve Martin's joke)
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 14:00, Reply)

re FINE =
FINE = Fucking Incapable of Normal Emotion
or
Fucked Up
Insecure
Neurotic
Emotional
(mickturate if i could be arsed i'd be bored, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 13:55, Reply)

didnt even get the talk
i 'd been seing this girl for about 7-8 months and then suddenly she decided she didnt like me anymore, but instead of telling me this by giving me the "we need to talk, its not you its me etc..." talk she decided to avoid me for 3 weeks. it was quite obvious something was wrong and i decided to play along with the ignoring.
well after 3 weeks of ignoring me she decided that it was time for the talk.

her: "we need to tal..."
me: "dont bother i figured it out 2 weeks ago"
her: "erm..."
me: "i started seeing someone else last week."
her: "oh... erm.."
me: "bye"

its alright that way because instead of the knife through the heard feeling of being dumped i had a couple of weeks to work it out and get over it at the same time. i was also ready for it when she did try and humiliate me.
needles to say i had the last laugh

EDIT* oh and by the way she saw this as cheating
(suboftheday, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 13:50, Reply)

It beats the alternative.
My charmless ex-wife was not what you'd call a communicator by nature, and being equally conflict averse generally did nothing when she encountered difficulties. After ten years of being Mrs Steve she had built up a few grievances, but rather than address them she just buggered off with a young shitheel she met at a party. Didn't even have the nerve to front me directly, just left home while I was at work, and left me to figure it out for myself.
Cut to a year or so later and the Young Shitheel is getting broody. He decides to induce the now Mrs Shitheel to bear him a sprog. Having voluntarily had her tubes snipped after the birth of Master Steve she is now (in the technical term) 'Barren'. So she explains how there will be no Master Shitheel due to having had an hysterectomy done involuntarily whilst she was still out with the caesarian she had for my lad. This was of course utter bollocks, and when Young Shitheel found out he divorced her doublequick.
I wish I'd been a fly on the wall for that one!
People often ask me how I get on with my ex, and I found this expression sums it up nicely, and they don't ask twice.
"Her? I wouldn't piss in her mouth if her teeth were on fire!"

She's married again now, which just goes to proove there's plenty of foolish lonely men out there. (Or are they in here?)
Shitheel remarried too, stealing someone elses wife again, and no doubt fucking up someone elses life in the bargain.

So word of advice guys, don't introduce your wife to Tony Growcock, he likes his women pre-married.
(Mr Steve is jobless and fancyfree!, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 13:45, Reply)

Wife: Honey, we have to talk
Wife: If I died, would you remarry?
Husband: Err...no of course not!
Wife: You don't enjoy marriage?
Husband: Yes I do....er...maybe I would remarry
Wife: Would you still live in this house?
Husband: I suppose so, it is a nice place to live.
Wife: Would she sleep in this bed?
Husband: I guess, its a good bed to sleep in
Wife: Would you play golf together, just like we do?
Husband: Well, that is when we have the best times together
Wife: Would she use my clubs?
Husband: Nah, she's left-handed.


Husband: Shit
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 13:44, Reply)

The delay between the conversation and them leaving
I'd been with my insane girlfriend for a couple of years. We'd had a relationship while we were at separate universities - and would see each other every second or third weekend.

Anyway, after I graduated and got a job, I discovered I really liked a friend of hers and me and this friend decided to give it a go. All I had to do was have TheChat with my gf, and the path was clear. Swap InsaneCurrentGirlfriend (ICG) for SaneFutureGirlfriend (SFG)

How hard could it be? SFG knew when ICG was coming up to see me and all I'd do was dump her then 2 out of the 3 of us would be happy.

My real worry was how the weekend would pan out. Do I dump her when she arrives on the Friday, which seemed a bit rude, or wait till the Sunday as she was leaving, thus having to 'know' her for the rest of the weekend? SCG would find out about this (the two were friends) and I didn't want to risk upsetting her.

So I decided to be brutal and dump her when she arrived. She'd cry a bit. Kick me in the shins and drive home. Painful but short.

"Ding-Dong". She arrived. Came in and starting moaning about her mother.

"We need to talk". She stops talking.

"I don't want to see you anymore. I like your friend." She starts crying.

"Can I stay till Sunday?"

"Yes" (I'd clearly disenagaged my brain).


So I had ICG in my small flat, distraught, crying and trying to get back together with me for the rest of the blooming weekend.

That was one of the longest weekends of my life. And I felt obliged to give her a sympathy blow-job which SFG found out about, but fortunately forgave me for.

Length? About 2 days too long.
(bok, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 13:43, Reply)

Idea
"We have to talk" has the same connatations as the following:

"I've got a really good idea"
"I've got a better idea"
"I know a really good shortcut"
"What's the worst that could happen?"
"Here's a thought"

While we're at it - My old company is doing an excercise of "Right-shoring" - Read "you're all fired and you're job's off to India"

Off topic? Who cares?
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 13:35, Reply)

Ducks in row...
Boss: "I need to have a word with you Reverend - say 2pm in the meeting room? We need to get our ducks in a row."

He means: "Prepare for a shafting. Now drop your trollies and grab your ankles...."
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 24 Apr 2007, 13:28, Reply)

Conversational loop
Her: "I've decided that I'm going to stop working in a couple of years time once I've paid off my loans"
Me: "Oh that's nice, what will you do instead?"
Her: "I want to start a family"
Me: "Oh. Two years you say?"
Her: "Yes, I don't want to work in London any longer than I need to"
Me: "So, assuming you manage to work of your debts and settle down with kiddo, we're going to be down to one income, a screaming baby, a new house to pay for and lots of overtime for me".
Her: "Every woman has that right!"
Me: "I hate to be selfish and all, but what's in it for me? Eighteen years of poverty? I can't stand children. You knew this when we got together".
Her: "But it means so much to me, besides it would make me very happy and it's different when you have your own".
Me: "So how will we cope both financially and as a couple?"
Her: "People manage. They just find a way."
Me: "But I don't want to just manage for the next eighteen years!"
Her: "But you'll find it so rewarding!"
Me: "Look, it's never going to work. The sums don't add up and we obviously want different things from life"
Her: "But I love you so much, I can't face being without you!"

And loop that conversation ad infinitum, virtually every week for eighteen months. Hints were dropped to friends and family that she might 'forget' to take her pill and how did they think I would react? I had to put a stop to things when she started pouring her heart out to my friends, who promptly started sitting me down and telling me to have babies ASAP.

I finished the relationship just in time, any longer and I'd have had myself vasectomized.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 24 Apr 2007, 13:15, Reply)

Going forward
As in: "Going forward, let's try to be more proactive in our choice of business partners."

Translation: "You're all fired and we're opening a call-centre in Albania."
(frankspencer, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 12:58, Reply)

I turned round
As in: "Well, basically, I was sat in the pub and he said I was a slapper. And, basically, I turned round and I said..."

No. You. Did. Not. Turn. Round. You sat there on your fat ass with your hoop earrings and your orange make-up and your vapid expression and your troglodyte boyfriend dribbling by your side. But you didn't turn around, because then you'd have been facing the worng way and you'd have looked an even bigger cock. And you weren't "sat" - you were sitting.
(Fothermucker, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 12:55, Reply)

just
heard my boss tell a client that:

"a hand in the bush is worth one in the bird".

he couldn't understand at all why the client started laughing.

somebody needs to have a word with him about the bees as well as the birds...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 12:27, Reply)

:) We need to talk
8| We do?
:) Yes I want to have a baby
8| You do?
:) Yes, I want to be a mum and my mum wants to be a grand mother so she wants us to have a baby
8| She does?
:)Yes, you need to make me pregnant, soon
8| I do?
:) Yes, lets go back to the hotel and do it now
8| hmmmmmmmm............................
8|
8| LOOK! GIRAFFES!
At that moment half a dozen giraffes came tearing out of a barn being chased by a small herd of zebras, we watched in awe as these cattle of the savannah charged around the dusty paddock and eventually sat down together, well and truely out of puff.

and she forgot all about the baby and we had several more happy years together
( VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 11:40, Reply)

Voice changer
A friend (I swear) came up with this ingenious plan a few years ago to get rid of his evil girlfriend.

One night where they were supposed to be going out, he phoned to cancel saying he had to work late.

He then 'accidentally' called her mobile later that night and pretended he was shagging another girl.

How you ask? Well, he played both parts, using a voicechanger to get the female voice. Hearing my best mate squeaking he wanted 'all your inches deep and hard' is something forever scarred on my memory.

Still it saved the 'We need to talk...' conversation.

At least there's no way to fake losing my b3ta virginity - 'pop'
(quantum raspberry quizzically quashing Quebecans, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 11:30, Reply)

how topical...
just had one of those conversations. Turns out my wife has been bulimic since she was 14 - she is 38 now.
The phrase involving cans and worms seems entirely appropriate
(skyblue1987, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 11:10, Reply)

Avoided doom
Some of you might remember my post on page 7.

In the grand scheme of things I think it went quite well, as in I am still alive.

If I never post another QOTW answer you know I've been chopped into tiny little pieces and fed to the mutant sea bass that live in the River Exe.

Thanks for the advice from a few people on here, just get up the courage and say those fateful words, it might go as (or better than) planned.

SJS
(Stanlington Jobsworthy Smythe Last skived off work on, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 9:54, Reply)

Email
Not quite "We have to talk", but when you receive a LONG email rambling on - you're doomed because you can't shut it out, you feel compelled to keep reading. Worse of all is that you can't yell "shut up shut up shut up".....

Worse still when you keep getting them.

Rubs side of head to make it go away
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 9:01, Reply)

Ack ack ack . . .
Those four words when heard by me usually mean I have
a) done something wrong
b) not done something right
c)am involved in something completely unrelated to the former two statements

Those four words are usually accompanied by that mercury twist in the guts that signify my ever-present guilty conscience and much racking of brain to worry about what it could be.

Those four words, when spoken by me, usually means "right, there's something thats pissing me off, that, as an adult, I have to address head-on and talk about but I really hate doing this sort of stuff so I'll bring it up but feel free to chip in and I'll agree or disagree or storm out in frustration and consider the matter dealt with".
Initiated one at work today AND got the twist in the guts, great, can't wait till the meeting in question.

In romantical terms, I have not heard this too much, being serial long-term relationship status I have either initiated the dumping or wholeheartedly agreed with the dumping (having been to gutless to finish it myself at some points)

I think I poured an extra dose of selfloathing into my cuppa earlier.

And stir . . .
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 8:01, Reply)

An Inspired Talk
Every weekend I help out with a disabled sports team. One such weekend we were playing a pre season friendly. We got to half time losing 18-0. I felt this was the time for me to make my talk. A talk which would rally my troops, make them stand up and be counted, a talk which would inspire them towards the greatest comeback of all time. I gave the best bloody talk of my life, and led my lads back out for the 2nd half.

The whistle went and straight away the ball seemed to arrive at the feet of one of my boys. Spastic Steve picked the ball up into his hands. I could see that look in his eyes, the look where you wonder if he's all there or wether he's shit his pants.

Carrying the ball, he dodged one, dodged two, dodged three. The line approached faster and I could sense this was to be it. The start of the greatest comeback since Take That's reunion tour. Steve slipped tacklers like they weren't even there, I was now grateful he'd spent the entire warmup smearing butter over his nipples.

Just 30 seconds into the 2nd half and he'd done it. He ran towards the line, took a giant leap and touched the ball down between the posts. Steve ran away to the corner flag and started trying to chat it up. This is when the referee stepped in and booked him. I ran across to the celebrations to sort things out. "We're a fucking football team you spastic twat Steve, not fucking rugby players" I told him.

Steve, along with the rest of my team spent the rest of the match slapping themselves on the back of the head and taking it in turns to see who could shout 'Dime Bar' the loudest. It seemed my talk was a waste of bloody time.
(Fatima Whitbread's hardon drugs and the causes of drugs, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 7:24, Reply)

If you want to traumatize your child...
I was 14 at the time and I grew up in the epitome of suburban America, St. Peters, Missouri.... I had friends that I had known all my life, my entire family all lived within an hour... It was November and my mom picked me up from school and said her own version "we have to talk"..... turns out, my dad's company was being bought out by a larger company in Tennessee and everyone in the ENTIRE company was losing their job except for my dad and his boss. The new company was hiring them, but it meant we were moving...... So, I said goodbye to everyone I had known my entire life, moved to Tennessee that July, and had to start all over again. I'm 20 and I JUST got the chance to see my friends I had grown up with last December when I went back for my best friend's wedding where I was her maid of honor. Luckily my friends and I had been able to maintain our friendship.
(Sebowe Aphex says I have a killer pout, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 7:03, Reply)

QUOTE:
'Will you always be with me? Will you always love me?'
I should have said: 'Woah there, I've only just got to know you: we need to talk..'
What I did say, thinking she was messing about: 'Of course!'

A good answer might be "I hope so".
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 3:43, Reply)

We have to talk...
Oh?

I don't love you any more.

Oh.


Queue a month's hard alcohlism.
Followed by being awesome forever more.
What a tale.
( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 2:27, Reply)

back in the day when I lived in Germany
my girlfriend at the time decided that me visiting my sisters was not fair.

we had been an item of about 10 weeks, and then I have to take 4 days (a long weekend) away to see my sisters and various attached bits (fiancee and boyfriend).

so off I skip to Berlin without her. had a blinder.

when I returned back to Bavaria I did the decent thing, a lovely present and a meal out, when then in came

"We have to talk"

She was not happy about me fucking off for the weekend before valentines day for family stuff and not inviting her

It all ended shortly after with me being too immature.
( Neon Blue Ah ha ha haa! I feel positively capital!, Mon 23 Apr 2007, 23:38, Reply)