when i was serving my apprenticeship
a lad from southampton was put in our digs(in stockton)which was strange as anyone south of nottingham went to tipton, anyway this kid was a fucking loon, talking to his meals, screaming and crying in the night,etc. we eventually found out why he'd been shunted up north, the mad bastard had been pinching his landlady's knickers and hiding them under his mattress(she was in her 70's). He also said that the landlord was molesting local kids(he wasn't, he just wouldn't let this kid smoke in his room). i didn't sleep very well until he was sacked for hitting an instructor with a hammer.
(studdley ruffrod no crack too slack, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 18:07, Reply)

grammar schools

In Australia, the private fee-paying non-Catholic schools that most important people come from are called private schools or grammar schools, so please don't have conniptions.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 17:40, Reply)

Mongs
I am actually a teacher! Last year a year 7 child took of his trousers in the middle of the lesson and sat quietly working in his pants. Apparently he was hot...

There be many more where that one came from!
(svenenuponwherepops, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 17:38, Reply)

my friend the weirdo

I've known him all my life, but he started to weird out particularly in high school.

Generally an overly sensitive, soft kind of character, he'd decide to prove he was hard at the most inconvenient moments. It didn't help that he was egged on by two nuts who were inseparable from him.

He could talk me into just about anything, and generally got me into trouble.

I'm still attached to him though. I must admit I have had some good times with him.

My friend, my downfall - Mike Ock.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 17:38, Reply)

One weirdo in English....
..done his English Oral exam, in front of twenty or so of us. He grabbed his guitar, sat on a seat centre-stage and announced "My name is B**d**n, I got me guitar."

He plays it for a whole minute, quite quiet and relaxing. Then mid chord he stops, and announces "Fuck this", before standing up and walking out, teacher screaming in his wake. I think he still passed, just for turning up.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 17:34, Reply)

"What's that?"
It seems Richard had never seen a TV before...
Rather a grand claim to make but as we sat down to watch an education programme on video the teacher wheeled the tv to the front of the class and Richard just said "what's that?".

Turns out his Dad had some major mental issue about TV's and didn't allow them to have one in the house. Instead home entertainment was a large train set and a radio.

Apparently life had managed to keep the little train spotter away from the telly for 9 years and he was mesmerised by the moving pictures.

He must have gone home and not stopped talking about it as his Dad wrote the school and he had to get permission to watch tv programmes at school next time!
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 17:15, Reply)

Richard put a rather hefty live spider in his mouth.
After about a minute of facial contortion and unpleasant breathy noises, he grinned broadly as the spider emerged unscathed from his nostril.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 17:13, Reply)

oooh, Betty....
Once, when I was but a mere slip of a boy, I am ashamed to admit that I was a frequent visitor to certain nameless Internet sites. You know the sort of thing, bandwagons to jump on, shameless exploitation of kittens, over enthusiastic use of poorly drawn cocks etc. As I sit here now, the IT director of a reputable and substantial group of companies, those days are well behind me.

Anyway, there was one such frequenter of said site that was extremely wierd. Each week, strangely after QOTW was posed to the eagerly awaiting masses, he found it necessary to indulge his secret shame.

His face would redden deeply as the blood vessels in his cheeks were gorged in the fury of oxygen being pumped around his rapidly excited body. Small beads of salty sweat formed on his furrowed brow, the expectation almost too much. The beads of salty anticipation would run down his cheek into the corner of his slightly open mouth so he could taste the intensity and pleasure of his own sick excitement. he new it was wrong, and one day he would be unmasked for his shame, but he just couldn't stop. For him, it was like a drug and he was a slave to his addiction.

His small, fat fingers would pump furiously at the keyboard, each keystroke becoming more frenzied as he got closer to his literary orgasm with every sylabal. Finaly, he would let out a stifled moan as he gripped the keyboard tight and furiously clicked the left mouse button in a desperate attemt to pleasure his electronic rodent like never before and transmit his creative juice to the world.

Spent, like a thousand sterotyped memes before him, he would slump back in the chair and slowly fill with satisfaction as he surveyed his seed that had been so pleasurable to release on the unsuspecting world.

All I can say of this sorry episode is, cheers Frank!
(Mong The Merciless Older not wiser, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 17:08, Reply)

David
I was never in the scouts but most of my friends were and it was for this reason that i went on a big week long school scout trip with said friends. This was a big thing with big marquee tents, one for the eight or so boys and one for the five or so girls.

There was a time on said trip where I walked into my tent, trying to find a kid named David.
I found him alright.
There he was in the middle of the tent, for anyone to see if they had walked in, bent over with his trousers and underwear round his ankles.

He was inserting a Cadburys Chocolate Finger into his rectum

I stood there for a moment in a stunned silence. His eyes were closed with a serene look on his face and he hadnt seen me.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I enquired.

He was so shocked to see me that I'm fairly sure he would have shit himself with fright if he had not had a chocolate finger protruding from his buttocks.

I left before anything else could be said but he later told me that when he removed the finger it had very little chocolate covering and that the next day he pooed little bits of chocolate with his normal poo.
We called him "Fingers" for the rest of the trip.

Same trip, same boy. He went into some public toilets when we went out shopping for food. Unfortunately he didnt look before he leapt and it was only when he reached for the bog roll that he realised there was none left. He proceeded to wipe his arse on his underwear and then put the underwear back on. He didnt see this as abnormal behaviour.

No apologies for length. Fingers arent that long anyway.
(vibrating tuna, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 16:55, Reply)

One violent kid in school....
...threw a brick over the entire workshop block of me ol' school, straight towards the school yard with kids playing. This was quite a feat in itself as it was a good 25-30 yards long (let alone the height). Thankfully, Mr Oatway was there to safely header the brick out of harms way, and thus end up in surgery for the next 6 weeks. He came back in, but never really looked the same after that. The dent in his skull might have had something to do with it.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 16:52, Reply)

The Slow Kid
Daniel P's mother had a GARGANTUAN pair of tits, and his father looked like Mungo Jerry minus a chromasome

He was a 'special' pupil, basically any slower and he'd have been in reverse.
This in itself didnt make him weird (although the revelation of his family did).
It was the time in assembly when at 8 years old, he had his story read out to the school and, on being asked what the picture he'd done to accompany it was he nonchalently said "Fuck".
(LunarJim, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 16:48, Reply)

Memories...
In no particular order:

Sharon M: (primary school)Constant runny nose, a bit odd, always pissed herself. Turns out, her dad was fucking her on a very regular basis from the age 8-19 or summat. Fucking sicko. I wrote song about her to the tune of "Hey Mona" by that cunt from neighbors.

Arthur Bullock. Seriously. He'd wander around with his prince valiant hair cut, trousers three inches too short pulled right up a la Simon Cowell. He'd pick pennies up off the floor. We'd all save up bits of change then lob across the canteen. You should have seen him go!

Hannah Rains (she got no brains!) Proper deep voice, big biiiig face. a bit of a loner. had a tendancy to piss herself. In secondary school.

Alyus Jedi Robertson Suggert. Honest! He looked like an umpalumpa, and he could uni cycle and juggle, ha ha

The usual assortmant of downs and cripples. I didn't think they should have been in a proper school tbh, but I'm a cunt.

sorry these are shit, but it's the best I can do.
(The Splendid Oaf, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 16:45, Reply)

Grammar schools...
Folks, lets also remember some of us went to grammar schools long before any of this "grant maintained" rubbish started... when parents really did think passing the 11 plus was all about intelligence, not coaching (with a few notable exceptions), and the grammar I went to was full of intelligent scum, but scum none the less.
We were all the weird one. It's taking intelligent scum and putting them into a single sex school with purple blazers that does it.
PS I wasn't the weird one.. but I am now!
( Argh-wrath ... is a very lame Glorantha joke, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 16:42, Reply)

the year thicko
This kid came from the provinces, and was an utter thick yokel who unfortunately would do anything to be popular, usually for money. Well, i say money, he was happy with coppers.

On occasion, this included;

-Picking up white dog shit and having it in his pocket all day.
-Jumping in the town river and spending the rest of the day wet, stinking of sludge.
-Sticking his cock through the playground fence.
-Once for 10p and a hubba bubba, we made him go up to the 'hardest kid in the year' and tell him he'd been wanking over his little sister.
-Getting his cock out in the dinner hall.
-Also once, in an art lesson me and my mates got him to go up behind another of our mates and 'bum' him, whilst making 'uh-uh' noises. He got thrown over a table.

Fair play to him though, a few years ago I saw him driving around in a flash car. Im assuming he didnt get 'paid' to do steal it for a laff.
(balboa, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 16:38, Reply)

more weirdos I have known
Katherine M - cross-eyed and buck-toothed dribbler with BO like rancid onions. She would do handstands in lessons. Her mother refused to let here wear a bra or make-up until she was 21, by which time she'd become a lezza.

Kemlo Bird - that was his real name. He didn't have a moment's peace.

James D - sociopathic son of a convict whose pastimes included breaking windows, setting fire to desks, urinating in people's pockets in the cloakrooms and singing advertising jingles to himself. Currently working with his dad ... in prison.

Hermione B - butch hermaphrodite with a voice like Barry White and shoulders like Hulk Hogan. Her facial hair was something to behold, but any insults had to be behind her back or she'd rip your scrote off.

Julia K - she'd toss anyone off for £1.50 and had milked most of the fifth form by the end of the year. She said that she was doing it for Jesus and we weren't complaining. She made me think about God for about five seconds.

Jeremy P - one-legged son of university lecturers. We stole his prosthetic leg on sports day and threw it up a tree. His father sued our parents and court was only avoided when we persuaded Jeremy that we'd kick him to death unless charges were dropped.

Camilla S - white girl adopted by black parents, she claimed to like rap but secretly listened to Backstreet Boys. Got dreadlocks just before GCSEs and formed a reggae band called "Spliff". She's now a pig shaver in an abattoir.

Felicity F - large-breasted cock dynamo with sluttish eyes and an arse built for violation. She was expelled when she was found naked on the music teacher's schlong during a school trip to the Albert Hall.
(frankspencer, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 16:37, Reply)

The fat nerd
Weve got this huge fat, nerdy geek in our year who tosses himself off to hentai and does nothing but play computer games.
He beckoned me over one day to show me something on his phone.
I was sure it was going to be some sort of crazy anime porn but it was much much worse.
He was showing me a video of a japanese woman lying on her back with her minge in the air. Some perve had shoved a funnel into her pussy and was pouring wriggling, writhing eels into it. As they slithered into her vagina she squealed with pleasure.

I nearly vomited.

I was then treated to a video of ET being sucked off and a man squatting over a womans mouth and shitting into it. The woman moaned throughout the proceedings.

I have now lost any faith I once had in the world.
(vibrating tuna, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 16:21, Reply)

We were _almost_ best friends...
About ten years ago, a then-classmate of mine, noticing my father waiting in the car park to give me a lift home, wandered over to the car to ask whether it was ok for he and young Aljrob to be friends.

This would be a charming tale of the amusing things that young children say and so on, were it not for the fact that my class were studying for our GCSE's at the time...

I think his social skills got lost in the mail.

Long time lurker, first time poster etc
(Aljrob, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 16:11, Reply)

Tess - ickles
There once was this girl in my class say about 16yrs old. She spent the science lessons writing her own sexual stories about her and colin firth *the Mr Darcy character*. Sometimes whilst reading her storied back during the lessons she used to get a bit carried away and rip her top open and fiddle with herself under the desk. Of course it was so much fun to egg her on at the time.
Also changed her name one time to tess... second name ickles. She seriously thought this was good choice and shouted at anyone who called her different.
A very strange girl this one, i guess thats what all girls schools for 7yrs does to a person.
(Fuzzy_Jangle, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 15:45, Reply)

Bobby Poo Hands
As a prefect, part of my job was to go round checking the toilets at lunchtime to make sure no one had snuck in for a crafty fag. One particular lunchtime, my mate Steve had gone to check the boy’s loos. He came belting back round the corner with a look of abject horror on his face. “You HAVE to come and see this…” he spluttered. I followed him with a sense of foreboding.
When I went into the toilet, I recoiled gagging. For there across the wall was writing, exquisitely rendered in human excrement. Huge letters, each carefully formed by a hideous turd pen.
“We have to report this,” I stammered, and went upstairs to the staff room to have a quiet word with one of the more sympathetic teachers. He agreed to go and get the boy in question and talk to him about it.
So this foul tyke was brought to the teacher’s room and Steve and I were invited to be present. The teacher chatted to the lad, asking him what had possessed him to do such a thing. “Dunno sir. Just did.” No amount of cajoling could persuade him to explain the reason behind his actions. Exasperated, the teacher shouted “Look boy, this is just not normal behaviour, have you ANYTHING to say in your defence?”
“Yeah, actually. How could you be so sure it was me?”



“You wrote your name, you fucking cretin…”
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 15:25, Reply)

N**l B*n*ow; Cheshire
Fuckwit thought he was a kaiser from the 2nd Reich, stood as a national socialist in the skool election & came second which shows either a) they were fuckwits too or b) fascism is rampant in cheshire skools
smoked a cigar in physics-under the desk, came 3rd in cross country: by hiding under a bridge for a fag & rejoining the race on the way back,
last I heard he was dead by falling off a ship-he became a sailor or had become a communista in south america...same thing innit?

wide as a butchers dog.
(mickturate if i could be arsed i'd be bored, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 15:25, Reply)

Green Phlegm
I remember one kid at school who always grossed me out. He came from quite a religious family but must have been one of those who DIDN’T feel that “cleanliness was next to godliness”.

First of all he had a terrible personal hygiene problem – the smell had gone past the “kid with BO” stage and the “kid needs to be disinfected stage” and got to the stage where no-one would sit next to him for fear it might attach itself to their clothes.

He was also quite happy to sit in class and mine for green gold, either wiping it under the table or eating it – quite oblivious to the disgusted look of the person who was sitting next to him. (Sitting next to him was quite an effective punishment from the teacher).

The thing that really grossed me out about this boy though was when he came into school with a nasty cold, green snot, coughing and choking, the works. However, the gross bit (still makes me gag now) was when he coughed and a gigantic bit of phlegm flew out of his mouth into his hand. He inspected it for a while, showed it to his neighbour and then sucked it off his hand and swallowed it.
(sodbiscuit sodbiscuit, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 15:22, Reply)

Hang on, lets just clarify something here,
there are state run grammar schools, which work exactly the same as comprehensives, but are generally better, and there are independant grammar schools, which charge a fuckload to get in. You obviously went to a state run one, but I never had that privilege, owing to the fact that so many state run grammar schools became independant and now charge extortionate amounts of money to attend. Certainly the ones where I live do. Intelligence means fuck all in these schools. Some of the most idiotic people I ever met went to Bury Grammar. Social standing and bank balance is everything...
( PMGT -Bacon., Mon 22 Jan 2007, 14:44, Reply)

Okay, hands up...
... I was that weird kid who used to quote inane facts and substitute the word "meh" for coherent speech, mainly due to the fact that I had a total train-wreck of a childhood and was petrified of my own shadow for the majority of it. I was more likely to be found rummaging around the innards of some disassembled piece of technology than rummaging around the undergarments of a lass, but somehow when I hit the age of sixteen everything kind of fell into place...

For starters, the very same girls in my year who'd unanimously voted me "ugliest kid in the year" started to take notice of me (I grew into my looks and suddenly developed social skills) and people who once gave me a very hard time would started to socialise with me.

Anyway, my sixteenth year opened the floodgates somewhat and I never looked back, although I do have a certain amount of sympathy for misunderstood geeks, but freely admit to having been driven to feeling outright rage because of an uber-nerd: www.b3ta.com/questions/fightfightfight/post50593/

Despite costing me two weeks worth of work, I couldn't thump the guy... Even though I'm sure he deserved it. I'm not too proud to admit that I felt a certain amount of empathy with him, also mindful of the fact I was literally twice the size of the bloke.

There is a line there, those of you who think it hilarious to post stories about how you ganged up and tortured some disadvantaged unfortunate - however annoying they may be - ought to seriously consider seeking psychiatric help or failing that get yourself sterilized as a matter of urgency.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 22 Jan 2007, 14:34, Reply)

Grammar schools
I went to a grammar school, and my parents had fuck all money. In fact I don't think ANYONE I went to school with had any tuition to get in there. And there were plenty of well poor kids. So this is bullshit.
(metalwarlord, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 14:28, Reply)

He'd Piss Himself (Not at Jokes)
There was this boy in my class in Yr 5 (Primary School) who used to quite literally now and again go to the toilet a little two late. Suddenly there would be this strange aroma coming from his direction and as people are used to smelling shit (ie fart smells), piss for some reason seems to smell a lot worse, especially in a classroom situation.

Anyway, one particular time springs to mind when our teacher asked him to come up to the board to complete some simple math. After him visciously shaking his head at her, the teacher, thinking he was being extremely rude sent him out of the class thus realizing why he had chosen to stay put. Could that be worse than being made to stand up in front of the class with rigid Jimmy in your trousers? Who knows?

But seriously, it was actually a bladder problem and I felt sorry for people calling him queer when it wasn't his fault, but then again I didn't realise my jokes were that funny when that familiar smell paraded up my nose thinking he was pissing himself over it.

I digress
(potters, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 14:20, Reply)

Also
Since places at non-fee-paying grammar schools are so hotly contested, they're won by pupils with parents rich enough to pay for private tuition to get them through the entrance exams.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 14:16, Reply)

To belms
"Grammar schools are not bastions of the middle class. Those are public schools.

Grammar schools are for smart people, regardless of social standing."

Providing those smart people could afford to go to grammar school, seeing as most of them charge up to a grand a year. I know several people, myself included, that could have walked into a grammar school had mummy and daddy been rich enough to pay for it. As it stands, they weren't, which is why I ended up going to a really shitty state school, which ritualistically patronised me into having nothing but contempt for the education system.

Put simply, if you can afford to send your kds to a grammar school, then you're probably middle class.
( PMGT -Bacon., Mon 22 Jan 2007, 13:59, Reply)

Guy and Girl.
Twas a very windy day, this litle wierd girl called Angela was literally getting blown away clinging onto the post of a basketball net, the wind was taking her feet! So being a caring pupil to the less fortunate people of my class, we persisted in trying to release her grasp on the post. But despite our best efforts, we couldn't do it. Another wierd kid in my class who at the age of about 5, foolishly put his right hand on a lit gas hob and cremated it, made a hobby of choke-slamming Angela every geography/history lesson. (his hand was similar to that guy on scary movie 3) He run over open-palmed with his crusty hand heading for Angelas face, she let go....the result was VERY funny.

Last seen crusty hand boy....in a pub a couple of miles away from my house greeting me with a hand shake.....

*shudders*
(dudley Laughing at other peoples misfortune since, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 13:50, Reply)

A Boy Named Carpet
Don't know why, his name was Steve. Used to wind up the teachers at school, delighted in being the centre of attention.
The weirdest and funniest incident from my mind was when he was being told to calm down by a certain female teacher. Now, I shoul point out, Steve had an unhealthy obsession with Baked beans. Everything had something to do with Beans. His expression if he found something cool was simply, "beans on toast"
Anyways, the incident in question involved this teacher yelling at him to stop whatever the hell it was she was doing, prompting him to issue the following command, musically I might add.
He sang "Take your beans home and blow your knickers off"

All those present, never forgot that little dittie.
(The Cosmic Fool Became aware that the bird is indeed the word on, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 13:42, Reply)

The brightest girl in town
I grew up in a small village to the east of Rotterdam, Holland. This has no significance whatsovever for the story, but i just thought i'dd tell you.
In the first grade of primary school, i was in the same class as a girl called Claudette.
She was brilliant. Never scored under 100% on any test or whatever assignment we got. She skipped a grade after the first year, then skipped another grade after the third year. Went to secundary school aged 11 and graduated at age 15 (whereas normal people graduate that type of secundary school aged 18.

I sort of lost track of her after primary school, but because she was in the same secundary school as a friend of mine, i heard the stories nonetheless.

Fastforward to 1997 or something. I run into someone i haven't seen in 10+ years and after some "what have you been up to " chitchat somehow the coversation turns to Claudette.

Turns out that from age 17, when she had just enrolled in some kindof prestigeous college programme for young geniusses, she completely collapsed, spent a decade in mental institutions on heavy antidepressants and had tried to commit suicide more than once.

So much for being a genius.
(Bokbiertrol, Mon 22 Jan 2007, 13:41, Reply)