The Co-op Late Shop : The Dom Files
a few years ago i worked for the co-op along with my best mate, Dom.

we used to see shoplifters quite regularly so we got to know them.

anyway, this one particular saturday i wasnt workin and dom was covering my shift.

i came in on the sunday for my shift and heard dom, who is quite shy and hates confrontation, had single-handedly caught and detained a smackhead shoplifter that we knew quite well. woo!

my supervisor then told me the piggys were coming for the cctv footage and it needed to be in the right place for them.

so i toddled off into the back to review the tape and what i saw was dom chase the shoplifter to the door where he got hold of him, wrestled him to the ground then sat on him till the police arrived. i was rolling around on the floor of the office.

Well Done Dom!

Length : Like i care.
(mufin_man1987 p u r e F I L T H k i z u k o L E E D S, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 22:32, Reply)

ducks and cops
Ok hopefully this doesnt incriminate my uncle , but when i was around 10-11 years old my aunty's then boyfriend ( they're married now) decided it would be a good idea to take us duck hunting. Sounds like fun ... SOooo isn't!
Anyway after three hours of sitting in the water and freezing my butt off I realised that this was as good as it gets, my uncle seeing my boredom decides to let me fire a shot.
long story short i fired this huge rifle and apart from feeling like my arm was ripped out at the shoulder , my face was burnt and i dropped the gun in the water. Cue uncle ranting and raving and having to pack up and go home as gun wasnt any good without being cleaned properly!
so get back to my aunty's house and post hiding ( another crime but we will let it lie) we are settling down to eat , as i go to sit down i realise my small cousin is out the front yard, (its actually a small country town no need to fear for safety .. so I thought) so I go to get my cousin from the yard to bring her in for feeding. Subsequently from my earlier encounter with the gun im feeling a little nervous about firearms, hence as im standing over my cousin getting rteady to pick her up i look up and across the road there is this big man holding a big gun and i hit the ground while he fires a few shots ( not at us but i was to scared to notice ) and me after getting up picked up the bawling tot and ran inside and pissed myself!
my aunty and uncle however not worrying about me in my post traumatised shocked state frantically hid the hated rifle i had fired earlier that day in the ceiling space and threatened to give me another hiding if i told anyone about it. being in shock i nodded dumbly, actually more afraid of the huge psycho across the street firing at the house next door!
subsequently later that night the police came and took my statement, after one of the sat on me accidentally. i was quite small. no mention of uncles rifle in ceiling space , or duck hunting earlier that day.
needless to say i got icecream afterwards.
(Nicwizard magik with a pot!, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 21:45, 3 replies)

Kids, eh?
God alone knows what they did, but just now, heard a few young ruffians kicking about the green comms box on our street. They were banging on the metal door a bit, but not much else.

Next thing I hear is the lot of them running down the cut by the side of our house. The woman next door is (as she often does - mostly at her own kids) screaming and shouting after them. All I hear is: "...blah blah blah CRIMINAL DAMAGE!!!!!".

Who knows? Hopefully, they've taken back the shopping trolley that they'd left here over the weekend to ASDA. It's not as if it's that kind of neighbourhood. The wife thinks some scrote has moved in to the new estate over the road.
(ramrod_newell had his hair brushed at, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 20:55, Reply)

Bastard Police
As I have posted before my dad used to be a rozzer, in fact for many years he was the scenes of crime officer (CSI UK version - powder and sellotape for getting fingerprints!). So when any crime was committed he or one of his colleagues would be called up to go and collect the evidence and work with CID in order to crack the case. Bearing in mind he was in the force during the 70s and 80s things did resemble both Life on Mars and Ashes to Ashes to some extent....

So one day a call came through for a SOCO (Scenes of Crime Officer) to go and deal with a suicide - someone had been found hanged in the local woods.

Sadly a not uncommon event, pretty routine, no particular rush but the deceased was still on the rope and needed to be taken down by the undertakers.

My dad gets in his van and drives off, parks up in the woodland car park where he's met by the uniform chaps who had been first on the scene.
"You took your bloody time!" Says the uniform, "Didn't they tell you it's a murder scene?"

My dad is puzzled at this - not what he's been told. "What makes you think it's a murder?"

"The note"

"Note?"

"Yeah, the body has a note in its hand - you'd better take a look, they've only just found it"

My dad is very suspicious now (although I must point out that it's my dad's normal habit to be suspicious - Jehoviah's Witnesses are obviously checking the house out for a burglary when they come around to hand out the Watch Tower. But I digress...).

He reaches the clearing where the poor bugger who has topped himself is still swinging in the light breeze. There, as he's been told, is a small scrap of paper sticking out of the dead man's clenched hand. My dad doesn't remove it at first, instead he carries out all the necessary work and has the body taken down so he can do whatever else he needs to do.
Finally the moment arrives...
He takes the cold dead hand in his own and slowly prises apart the fingers to retrieve the small scrap of paper...

Written upon it are a few words...XXXXXXXXXX did it.

The XXXXXXX? My dad's name.


And all he can hear is the sound of uniformed rozzers quietly pissing themselves.

Bastards.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 20:39, 4 replies)

I used to watch my brother nick money out of the charity bottle in my dads pub when he was 10...
He used a coathanger to snuffle out £1 notes.
He'd then launder the money by putting the aforementioned £1 note into the till, and take out ten 10p pieces...

Now a quid isn't a lot of money. So here's the clever part...

He'd put the 10p pieces into the fruit machine, and seeing as he usually committed this crime after monitoring the fruit machine carefully, he'd often walk away with a lot more swag than a mere £1.

The problem in the whole sweet operation was the pub till. It was like Arkwrights fucking till. It was a true bastard of immense proportions and was very, very noisey upon the opening of the cash drawer..

...But it was so easy...

*DING!!!* goes the till, as yet another crime is committed...

*In Comes My Father!*
I'm fucked. Caught red fucking handed first time! And the shit really REALLY hit the fan.

And as I was being talked to by both parents (youknow it's serious if they're both in the same room together) and mildy threatened with having the police called, (i'm 7 btw) crying, my brother danced past the doorway behind my parents grinning like a cheshire cat.

I never told and my brother was never caught.

He's in prison now.

not really.
(Nobody Likes Mortal Wombat, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 20:24, Reply)

A short one, but one of the best things I have EVER seen
Trafalgar Square's annual gathering of blokes in costume, 2005.

From the top deck of a bus I witnessed two blokes, both dressed as Santa, having a punch-up outside a McDonalds.

It was beautiful.
(clumsyeloquence is a girl, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 20:16, Reply)

One February evening last year
I head shouting as I was drifting off to sleep. As I ran to the window I remembered to put my glasses on. I saw a bloke lying in the gutter, a car stopped outside my house and 2 blokes walking towards the bloke in the gutter, I then saw them punch and kick the fella while calling him a kiddy fiddler. Naturally I called the rozzers who turned up really quite quickly (we weren't the only ones to call) To cut a long story short the bloke who was beaten up had never been accused of kiddie fiddling (bloke doing the beating up said to my dad that the bloke had been given community service for being found guilty of child abuse) let alone found guilty. One of the blokes was arrested and I even went all the way through to an ID parade (I couldn't identify him). I currently work for the police and if I didn't I would still be thinking, a year later, that I might still get called up for court - what I do know as a member of police staff is that the accused had an argument with his missus on new years eve and went out and hanged himself.
( Roxy_Hart is so so old, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 20:11, 2 replies)

I witnessed a car spin off the road and crash into some trees.
- Crashing your car isn't itself a crime.

Especially if it's on a country road, it's dark, and it's wet, and it's late. Besides, I was drunk, and I stumbled into the road.

There was the sudden sound of locked up wheels and the car gracefully pirouetted past me.

It travelled a good 60 yards, my natural reaction was to hide, which I did, the driver got out after a bit, seemingly unhurt and after a few minutes the car drove off.

So I actually was the crime I witnessed: Drunk and Disorderly I expect.

I still feel a bit bad about it and I'd like to extend my personal thanks to the driver for not twatting me up the arse at 60mph.
(Nobody Likes Mortal Wombat, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 20:03, Reply)

brother
when my brother was 5, he stole a single winter glove from a store called the Shoe Zoo. What he wanted with this single glove, I can only guess - though I suspect that, even in his toddler-y stage, it was purely for the thrill.

This thrill then turned to fear and shame the next day. He buried the lonely glove in our back yard. That night, he confessed to his sin and his disposal of the item.

After my mom made him dig it up, she drove him right back to the Shoe Zoo. He woefully apologized to the cashier for stealing the glove and getting it all dirty.
(juliajuliajulia, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 19:55, Reply)

While in my local Tesco Express..
I was just walking round deciding what food would keep me from boredom for longest when I see these 3 Pikeys all laughing around with cans of Red Bull. I fucking knew what was coming, pikeys can't afford Red Bull so they were knicking it. One was standing there while the other 2 were filling his hood with sweets and cans of drink. So, I did the moral thing and reported them post haste. The cashier gave me a thank you and quickly hurried to the battered Ford Fiesta to retrieve the goods.

Me- 1. Skanky pikey twats out for a good time on 6 cans of Red Bull- 0.

Hurrah!
(MunchMyBalloons, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 19:49, Reply)

Ehhhh, lads
I remember when all this were puns...

*casts gaze over solemn QOTWs*
*waves flat cap forlornly in the direction of Tuesday*
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 19:47, 5 replies)

Poor guy..
I was working in my Happy Shopper outpost one Tuesday evening when a really odd fellow came stumbling in. He was wearing almost completely destroyed walking boots, a rain coat (one without a zip, must be put on over the head) and cords that looked like they used to be yellow.

He's walking up and down the aisles, but he keeps returning to the pasta/curry section. Picking up a stella, putting it back down elsewhere, picking up another, dropping it, picking up another.. You get the idea. He really was just taking the piss. It felt like I was on Super Market Sweep, but instead of finding the golden stars (or whatever), they were leaky cans of wifebeater. At least Dale wasn't there.

He finally comes to the counter, and buys fuck all. This guy is blatently stoned and I don't really know what to do, he keeps scratching and itching himself 'down there.' I'm not sure what to do or think. Either his trousers are chafing, or he's wanting something that I personally don't readily offer people. He's really fucking itching away. Anyway, he decides he's too hot and starts taking his arms out of the sleeves. Pulling up his anorak, I see what the fucking problem is. He's got a box of Old el fucking Paso down his trousers. Fucking bastard. They're like 99 fucking pence and he's been standing there adjusting it right infront of my eyes for about 10 fucking minutes, when all along I thought he was giving himself one at my counter. Anyhow, I'd never had to stop anyone at the shop before and I didn't want this guy to go psycho on me, so I called for the guy who was working with me at the time, my bosses son. The look on his face! This guy's 'free' packet of Tacos were actually IN FRONT of his t shirt. On full display.

We didn't really know what to do, so we just served him and let him walk out.

I got a bit of a talking to though at the end of the night. The CCTV showed him stuffing it down there for about 10 minutes whist I was busy texting my girlfriend.

Meh.
(MunchMyBalloons, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 19:39, Reply)

I live across from a pub.
The entrance to this pub is directly opposite my bedroom window, but my window is on the first floor, so I get a good view of all the shenanigans going on outside below me.
Noone ever looks up.

Now, the bouncers in the pub are amazingly patient with the various pissed idiots they come across. I've even seen them apologise to someone and let them back into the place when they made a mistake. Good blokes, the type that should be a bouncer.

Anyway, when they throw someone out, it's ALWAYS the same sequence. They bundle them out, and stand by the door so they can't get back in. The punter will always get a bit shouty and ranty, but will stand just out of reach from the bouncer. Eventually, the shouty punter will get more aggressive, and try and force his way back in. The bouncers will push him away, and go inside and close the door, watching him through the window. The window is made up of those small little panes like you get in old houses.

EVERY SINGLE TIME the shouty punter will then punch one of the small windows, breaking it. Blood goes everywhere, usually quite a lot of it. Bouncers sigh and call the ambulance.

I don't even bother filming it anymore.
(inflateable, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 19:29, Reply)

Shooting up on the New York City subway
Two heroin addicts were crouched in the corner of the crowded rush-hour train car, quietly helping each other find a line in.

I've always found that oddly touching.
( Rob T Firefly talked, like, William Shatner, on, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 19:06, Reply)

Another story from china
Basically, it went down like this:

My best friend (6' and 140lbs) & I (6'2, 220 lbs) were in China taking a semester abroad... somehow in Chengdu, a group consisting of ourselves and fellow students managed to find an 'Authentic Irish Pub', (probably the only place in china you can find Guinness on tap). Anyways, after getting good and drunk one night, he disappeared down an alleyway to piss. When we realized he was missing, we traced back our steps to find a group of a half dozen teenage thugs (weighing no more than 8 stone apiece, at best) shoving him, while we laughed, amused... until we realized they were trying to steal his wallet. As he was wearing sweat pants at the time, they had a hard time getting into his pockets... So they pushed him over, and pulled his pants off of him as we were finally realizing what was happening and ran to his aid... needless to say, the little fuckers were fast runners, certainly far more sober, hand knew exactly where they were running to; so we couldn't catch them. We had to escort him, wearing nothing from the waist down, back to the dorms whilst trying to stifle our laughter the whole way.

Apparently, after we got back, he quickly realized that his key to his room was also in those pants, so he spent the night in one of the girls' rooms borrowing her pink bathrobe until the front desk opened in the morning and he could get back into his room.

And he swore he'd kill me if I ever told this story...
(almightynoitall, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 17:47, Reply)

Joy Ride
About five years ago, my family all went out for a huge meal. All-you-can eat chinese place. And it was good. We came out of the restaurant, all of us slightly tipsy (except my sister who was driving us home), and got in to drive home. At that very moment, a car screeched past us in the carpark at high speed. With two loud, obviously drunk men in the front and two equally loud and drunk women in the back. They turned a corner and carried out driving around like maniacs.

Understandably, we were a little freaked out by this and thought it best to leave as soon as possible before we got driven into. Pulled out of the car park, and started to drive home. Now, the road home goes right by the car park and you can see in.

And we won't ever forget the sight of seeing the car in question wrapped around one of the pillars in the car park, and all four of the occupants out and shouting at each other at the top of their voices, fingers pointing and everything. Poetic justice right there and then :)
(calamarain just invented dehydrated water, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 17:36, Reply)

The BIGGEST CRIME of all TIME EVER EVER!!
Well our story starts at the beginning of time really..

..and hasnt ended yet.

The crime i speak of is one of ignorance.

and i witness it everywhere, i too am guilty.

We are all witnesses to the biggest crime ever of all time.

and it is going on right underneath our noses.

Its the blatant abuse and manipulation of mainstream media companies who are lying to us and have been lying to us for too long.

Our points of view and beliefs are so distorted because of all the lies we are brainwashed with everyday.

Powerful men, with no souls.. control us with their powerful companies.. providing us with entertainment and distractions so great that there is no time left to spare after being entertained for so long.. theres no time left to think!

Think!

All is well with us
but our shit is being dished out on others while we sit back comforted by the fact that we have distractions.

soon.. the war will come to our own doorsteps
soon.. the zeitgeist will come

..its all going to change - CRIME SOLVED -


(Julie Moult Life was bad, but now its good... FOREVER!, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 17:16, 21 replies)

While I'm here
I spent my college years working part time at a supermarket checkout. But when they had trouble with a shoplifter I got called in, as I was a bodybuilder who could pin the the skinny druggies no problem.

Of the multitude of experiences I could name the funniest was the guy that put several gammon joints down his jeans, and by the time he fished them out (long before the police came) he was weeping with pain.

The best shoplifter I have experienced, including the on where one pulled a needle and the security guard was so fast and strong that he pinned his arm to the wall and broke it in the process. Nasty but meh.
( Monty Propps, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 17:10, Reply)

This is, potentially the most depressing and anger arousing QOTW
Have mine, with not a happy ending but either a pleasing or frustraing ending depending on your view point.

One morning, may 1991, I was walking to college, through the local park, as you do.

"Oy! What did you do to Pod?!" This guy who had been walking up behind me shouted. My responce was "Eh? What?" since I didn't have the slightest idea of what he was talking about.

Anyway, after a brief disscusion where I told this twat, several times that I didn't know, or care what he was talking about, he sapped be on the back of the head with a bag full of stones, resulting in a very bloody and bad head injury.

Anyway, I gave the police a detailed desription of this fucker, including the logo on the bottom of his shoes as I noticed as I lay on the ground bleeding from my head.

Fast forward again 9 months, were in court, he admits to the crime, and gets... wait for it... 12 hours in an attendance centre.

WTF, indeed.

I was so angry I thought about giving that twat a kicking myself, but he was dead within a year, from a methadone overdose.

Who says only the good die young?
( Monty Propps, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 16:56, 2 replies)

very sad
a sad story told by an ex of my sisters when i were younger

sis's bf was a store detective in woolworths in norwich in the late 90's and it was in the week before xmas, he was catching an average of 20 shoplifters a day, then on the saturday he started following a middle aged man who was acting suspicious, after a few minutes is was clear this man was helping himself to lots of gift type stuff when suddenly he noticed that he was being followed

He then walked fast around the store and in clear view took items out of his pocket and put them back before making for the exit, as he reached the doors he turned to face sis's bf who had followed him and said "yes i was going to steal those items, i wanted to give my daughters and grand children a good christmas and cant afford it, but now iv decided since they lost their mum in a car crash 2 weeks ago maybe the best christmas present i can give them is being with them rather then in jail"

now sis's bf had heard some good stories from people caught stealing and was about to throw the "yeah whatever mate, get out and dont bother coming in here again" line when two gorgeous blondes in their mid 20's came through the front doors and approched them, sis's bf noticed they were carrying pictures of children and little notes in childs writting "to nanny" in their arms they also looked sad and tired, then one of them said "are you finished dad ? we better get going, directors might close early because of christmas" the man then said "im sorry, have a good xmas" to sis's b/f and linking arms they all walked out together presumably to lay the pictures and letters in his wifes coffin.

sis's bf (quite a tough bloke) got quite teary while telling the story, at the end he said if he came back into the store he was gonna tell the bloke that whatever the bloke does, he didn't see anything.
(maxumus HEY!.... diddly dee, de de de de de de, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 16:30, 3 replies)

Drugs & Poo
I love Tottenham Court Road underpass. It's clean, fresh, and well maintained by Camden Council.

Acually, no it isn't. It stinks of piss, is generally flooded by some grotty substance or other, and the ceiling leaks.

I walk through it every morning, and usually 2 mornings out of 5 there'll be a group of crackheads hanging around. Sometimes they beg for a bit of money, sometimes they will be walking around in a blank-eyed state, sometimes they will even stand and have extremely loud and in some cases violent arguments about who owes who what for what (in all cases, I suddenly become very interested in my shoes, for some reason).

But, more than the above, you'll see a group of people huddled around a crack pipe at half past eight in the morning... Squatting in the rivers of urine and taking that horrible, acrid smoke deep in to their lungs, before collapsing backwards in to catatonia.

I know that their lives must be horrible, and God knows that an addiction to crack must be one of the toughest things imaginable to kick, and I know that my life is positively top-notch compared to theirs, and yet every time I walk past and see this, I can't help but think

"yes, but isn't it a bit early for crack?"

The other morning, one of them had a poo on the steps that go up to New Oxford Street.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 16:17, 16 replies)

Shoplifter
I was walking towards my local Sainsbury's one evening when a young guy, wearing the inevitable baseball cap, appeared pushing a trolley full of electrical goods, closely followed by a Sainsbury's security guard.

The thief turned-round and said 'if you don't stop following me I'll kill you'. The security guard turned straight round and headed back to the store.

And me? I made sure I was looking studiously at all the, by then closed and shuttered, shop windows as he passed me.

I toyed with the idea of phoning the police, but was worried I'd get death threats if it ever got to court!
(Moog Muppet, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 16:14, 1 reply)

"Hey! Look! He's stealing that car!"
"Hey! Look! He's stealing that car!" I said to me charming wife as we watched a young man jemmy the door to an Austin Maestro - of all vehicles - jump in and start the engine.

"Hey! Look! It's a police car!" said me charming wife as - by coincidence rather than design - the Thames Valley force's finest came round the corner.

"Hey! Look out for that lamp post!" the young man's accomplice mouthed as he gunned the car down the road, displaying all the driving skills you'd expect from a teenage car thief.

Here's a thing: A car hitting a lamp post at high speed actually does go "SPA-A-A-A-ANG!", a noise which fortunately masked the sound of the young car thief's neck breaking and killing him to death.

Crime: It does not pay.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 15:27, 3 replies)

One I almost completely forgot....
On rugby tour in Paris, France at the age of 16...stood beneath the Eiffel Tower when a scream is heard and a shifty looking man starts legging it through the crowd with a recently illicitly acquired cream handbag!

Funnily enough, of all the thugs and muscled up head cases in our squad, it was the scrum-half (smallest member of the team) who stepped out and up-ended the guy as he made his way past our little group with one of the best tackles i have ever seen... (think this... www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNTCyydpG1s&feature=related)

Unfortunately he ended up getting away (although thankfully empty handed)

Length: I cant tell you. What happens on tour stays on tour!
( Mister B is eating an icanhazcheezburger with lmaonaise, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 15:26, 1 reply)

Blue light, and weed-smoking neds
Coming home from a gig one night, three of us in white shirts in my new (at the time) car, we came upon a Corsa being driven erratically. It was occupied by four young baseball cap-wearing neds, and when it was ahead of us we could smell the unmistakable aroma of illicit smokes. Anyway, the driver of said car was pissing me off. Each time I went to overtake him, he would speed up, then when I did get by, he'd overtake me again and slow down when he pulled in. So I used my secret weapon.

I opened the cubby hole and pulled out my blue LED torch (from iwantoneofthose.com), handed it to my mate and told him to flash it at the car when we went past.

By the time we drew level, we were proceeding at a velocity which would have attracted the attention of the local constabulary. However, several flashes of the intense blue light into the driver's eyes caused the Corsa to disappear backwards in my mirrors faster than I'd have believed possible.

Cue much chuckling and satisfaction from inside my car.

Maybe my flashing blue light is illegal too, but it's bloody good fun!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 15:18, 2 replies)

Truncheon!
Big Smurf reminds me...

My maternal grandfather was a copper. My paternal grandfather had a lathe.

So it is that I now own a truncheon that has been hollowed out, filled with lead, and then put back together, rendering it a couple of feet of oaken death. You can injure someone just by showing it to them.

When I lived in Hull, it lived by the front door. We had little trouble with miscreants.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 15:16, 15 replies)

I'm Special
Or rather I should say I was a Special (constable) and ignored lots of crimes!

I've always thought "How can I arrest or fine someone for something I've done myself"? And unlike some of my more over zealous colleagues (who just love the chance to enforce their authority on others) I've managed to successfully ignore the following:

Weed smoking on the street
Men and women having an alcohol induced wee on the street
Men and women swearing on the street
Kids cycling through an empty pedestrianised area late at night
Kids drinking in a park not annoying anybody

What really bugs me is that I've also attended all of the above where it ended up with someone getting fined/arrested or just generally being hassled by the police (generally by a Special. Real coppers are in the police bar drinking coffee. Paper work my arse).

And so I quit. I wanted to be a copper ever since I was a kid, but upon joining the Specials I realised the police weren't what I thought. Real coppers tend to be cynical, lazy and really hate having to walk anywhere. And Specials tend be, well, special. As in "You will respect my authority" kind of special. Probably those kids that got picked on at school and are now looking for revenge. I know of two in my own station who got 'sacked' for wearing their uniform around town when they were off duty. THAT kind of special.

But I did get to carry/use handcuffs, a truncheon and cs spray (never get it on your hand on rub your eyes) :0)

Length? 24 inches, black and hurts when you take one to the goolies. But really he just fell down the stairs Guv'.
(Big Smurf Brush me daddy-O, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 14:59, 4 replies)

I am gonna piss people off...
By telling two short stories.

1. While at school, our drama teacher took us all up to London to see a show. We went by train, and on the way home, around midnight, a homeless guy came up and told our teacher to give him his wallet or he would stab him.
Our teacher was not a big guy, and kinda camp. He said, and I quote "You are not having my wallet. For a start, I doubt you have a knife, and if you do, you will swipe, miss because you're drunk, fall down and I WILL kick you while you are on the floor"
Mr Hobo took this as a cue to leave, but then one particularly violent kid in our class kicked him so hard in the balls that he vomited, and we walked away.

2. My dad's company once did a WWII-themed trade show, where the employees dressed in various armed-forces uniforms. My dad was dressed as a Naval officer (same outfit as Richard Gere in 'An Officer and a Gentleman').
Whilst driving, a boy-racer cut him up really badly, so my dad thinks putting on his Naval officer hat would be a good idea. The boy-racer, sees this, pulls over, slows down at such a rate that he is hit by the car behind, which is in turn hit by the car behind, and so on. Dad didnt hang around to count how many cars were involved.

Length: Longer than I had planned
(bobman500 enjoys a grope as much as the next fella, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 14:41, 4 replies)

Just seen this one.
Ok be warned this isnt to amazing or funny but it made my walk to uni so much more happy (hello sunshine!)

Was walking down our high street through town and saw a bunch of the chaviest chavs i have ever seen messing about a bit in front of me "Fucks sake" thinks I "Cant they just all die?". But hold on, they have stopped messing about to watch something happening across the street *turns head to watch*

Across the street 4 burly policeman have cornered what I can only assume are the chavs friend, who appears to be arguing and trying to wheedle his way out of whatevers happening, all the time also trying to act hard in front of his mates.

He starts to look angry.
He starts doing what I assume makes him look hard to his mates but looks to me like a fit.
He punches the window of the shop he's cornered next to.

*Bam*

These four coppers grab him, charge a fair few meters down the street with him pushed in front and smash him into a wall, bend him over and cuff the little git.

At this point I saw him looking my way, hopefully at me, so I give him a smirk so large my head almost falls of before continuing on my way in the sunshine, a skip now in my step.

Good job cops!
(Guilt wants to get in your moist confines, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 14:33, 3 replies)