Slutsville, illinois
Every single one night stand I had around the age of 30.

Too drunk at the time
Too ill in the morning

Oh! the waste
( girlinthehole, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 11:28, Reply)

In some dodgy nightclub in Swansea one night....
...was dragged into the toilets by some bird, plonks me down on the toilet seat and she gets down on her knees. She gets me lad ready, then aptly PULLS HER TEETH OUT and starts sucking me off.

Don't drink there anymore.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 11:25, Reply)

Gran Canaria
A rough shitehole of a holiday destination with a higher Kev count than Southend on a Friday night.

Ended up having a brief holiday shag with some Scottish girl. Rough as arseholes, this Glasgow girl drank like Ollie Reed and had a mouth on her that would make a docker blush. She had what can only be described as a mysterious dry patch actually on her mimsy and for the entire duration of the woeful shag she paused every 30 seconds or so to swig from the bottle of Barcardi she was clutching. Class. I still feel dirty.
(Crayola Oblongata Is it Monday?, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 11:21, Reply)

Morning sex
We're still new to this, the boy and I, and when we were a lot newer we woke up together and, for some reason, decided to go at it. I think we both had it in our heads that the other person wanted it, only neither did.

It was just lousy. We were trying a new position that completely failed to stimulate either one of us. He went soft, I went dry, and after about 15 minutes of bored, painful thrusting, the condom broke.

We called it quits at that, and went to breakfast. We're doing quite a bit better now, fortunately.

Length? After a few minutes, there simply wasn't any.
(AlfishKK, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 11:19, Reply)

When I had to fake it...
A mate had dumped his girlfriend and I, ever the gentleman, decided I would be the shoulder to cry on and see if I could get a shag out of it. I did. Only problem was, she had quite a protruding pubic bone and it pushed so hard into my groin that it was painful. Added to that, she was wetter than a very wet thing, so I was unable to get any friction. In the end, I had to fake it so that I didn't end up with a blister in my groin. Fortunately, she was so drenched, me actually making a deposit would have made no difference, so my faking was unnoticed. On a plus point, she was so impressed by my staying power, she told all my mates how brilliant I was, so it wasn't all bad.
(lardyboy Next stop, Fissplap Central, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 11:19, Reply)

I'm unlucky in carnal pleasures...
I was also a bit of a cheating barsteward, but it was university and I considered it my British duty to service as many foreign birds as humanly possibly whilst also seeing to my french gf on a daily basis.

no this isnt the worst shag but it certainly had quite a few issues... I, in the 'Friends' use of the word 'On a break' with my gf - so it wasnt cheating.

I pulled a Norwegian blond bird... she was about 5'3 blonde and dumpy so stop fwapping now.

get back to my place and being a gentleman strip her off and go down on her... only I dont... I'm nearly sick... huge 70's bush and a stench that would usually have severn trent poking the sewers. Still shagged her though - and got caught a whole year later!!!

move on to about a month back... and yes this was one of those play dead birds... she was drop dead gorgeous, but she wouldnt put in any effort... Mr. man decided the 10 pints had had their effect and went to sleep approximatly 5 minutes before I did... avoiding her dragon breath that is...

oh another quicky, on both counts... was banging a single mother of 3 kids... much older than me, she was a proper screamer...

her 4 yearold daughter came into the room and classicaly asked if I was hurting her mummy... this time I went to sleep before mr man :D
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 11:17, Reply)

Dixon_Bawls...
No need to get narky just because you've only ever had your hand for company. One day you'll meet Mr(s) Right.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 11:16, Reply)

Peasant
I was seeing this American lass a good few years ago, and one time during sex I managed to burp in her face. No vom, and entirely unintentional, I'd had a sip of pop beforehand.

Anyway, that kind of ruined the moment and she kicked off. In the ensuing row she called me a peasant. Which was a first.
(Crayola Oblongata Is it Monday?, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 11:16, Reply)

Template #1
There was this one time that this [ENTER DESCRIPTION OF HOT HUMAN HERE] wanted me so we went to [ENTER LOCATION HERE] and started doing the dirty. Unfortunately, [ENTER BAD SEXUAL SKILLS ON THEIR PART HERE] but I still managed to [ENTER DESCRIPTION OF OWN SEXUAL PROWESS HERE].
( Dixipoos Bye Bye Blackbird, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 11:13, Reply)

The time when Mr Droog 'slipped out'
and accidentally bummed me

I cried :'(
( Droog Download was \m/, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 11:07, Ignore, I like this!, Message Me)

It's sweet that you still believe him.
( cupboardy, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 11:13, Reply)

The time when Mr Droog 'slipped out'
and accidentally bummed me

I cried :'(
( Droog is too orangey for crows, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 11:07, Reply)

TAZ220
.
Shagging the young daughter while the mum is in the room? Mate of mine did that.

We were walking over some fields one day when he stopped in a sheltered glen.

"This is where I lost my virginity" he said. "I shagged her doggy style, just there , while her mum looked on."

"Bloody hell" I said "What did her mum say"

"Baaaaa!!"

Well, it was the countryside.

Cheers

Legless

P.S. May not have actually happened and may well be an old joke...
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 11:06, Reply)

Coitus interruptus
Me and my then girlfriend started getting passionate in the middle of a small area of woods on the local common. It was going swimmingly until I felt something odd 'down below', and turned around to see a golden retriever sniffing at my danglies. With the sounds of its approaching owner getting louder by the second, we decided to give up and head back to my place.

Once there we started getting down to it again on my bed, only to be interrupted by a knocking at my door. My housemates wanted to watch TV (we had no lounge area, so the communal set was in my room). I told them to fuck off, but it was time for Neighbours or something so they were getting agitated and wouldn't go away.

In the end we gave up, got dressed and let them in. By the time they went, much later, she was too tired for anything so I didn't even get to finish the job.

Cockblocked by a dog and Mrs Mangle!
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 11:04, Reply)

News!
I'm not sure there was one 'time' as such, but I do remember on more than one occasion reading a newspaper while the girlfriend of the time was bouncing on the lord. She got to have her fun, and I was simply keeping her sexed while staying up-to-date with current affairs. It didn't seem strange at the time.
( slippery doctore, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 11:04, Reply)

A mate described his ex's sexual techniques....
"Well Jeccy, I think the best word to describe her was a pasty."

"A pasty?"

"Yeah, you know a pasty. It just sits there...."

Well at least she wasn't flaking crust.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 11:02, Reply)

Pool Table

Actually, the sex wasn't that bad - just the result.

I was working in Totnes in Devon and staying at a pub. Well one night I pulled one of the local girls and we snuck into the poolroom for a bit of a illicit nooky. She was lying on the pool table, on her back, and I was manfully ploughing the field when disaster struck. I slipped. I slipped and my fucking forehead skidded over the green baize and left a wicked carpet burn right in the middle of my forehead.

Six weeks it took that to heal. Six weeks in which I had to put up with inane jokes and comments for my workmates (I'd told them what happened as it was just so stupid.

Legless - "If you can't pot the pink, pot the brown..."
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 10:59, Reply)

She didn't underestand that teeth are not used in oral sex.
I was bleeding for half an hour and out of action for a couple of weeks.
I don't know if anything else needs to be said.
( Zuowan, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 10:58, Reply)

Plymouth oh Plymouth !!!
Was giving a lady a good old seeing to when a local lady of the night came around the corner. By this point my lass was on her knees giving me some oral pleasure - only to be told by said prostitute to fuck off and find her own patch ! Oh how we laughed (And I did more later since I don't think the implication sunk into the mind of the lady I was seeing !).

Not bad sex I guess just odd ?
(Tammytastic, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 10:58, Reply)

1st time?
Had to stop about 4 times because the girl (who turned out to be mental) started crying because she felt guilty about being unfaithful to her ex-boyfriend (it's not being unfaithful if you're not together, is it?)

And then I broke my foreskin!

Didn't stop her from shagging me every day for 12 months though.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 10:57, Reply)

A similar thing happened to me like TAZ220's story...
...except it was the mom who was after me, and I was too pissed to say no.

Sucked a good cock though...
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 10:56, Reply)

Why don't they teach you the useful stuff in schools?
The parents went away. The girlfriend came over. This was my first time and our first time. She'd brought round some condoms and some music (the soundtrack to The Muppets Take Manhattan). Why didn't someone tell me that sex is meant to last more than 2 minutes. I assumed she would be getting bored and I faked an orgasm. Me, a bloke, and on my first shag! Realising then that biology lessons were of no real value, I dropped it as a GCSE. And that I why I'm not a doctor.
( nameleft has bought a new telescope, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 10:56, Reply)

Boring sex
I've been lucky enough to avoid really horrible sex, but I've also been cursed with incredibly boring sex. Now, I don't believe in faking orgasms, because not only is it just mean, but it also makes guys think that you like what they're doing, when you don't. That said, I also don't think it's very nice to look bored out of your skull the entire time. So, one day, I found myself trying to make the most out of an incredibly boring roll in the hay... I was managing all right, until I realized that Monty Python was on the tv, which we'd left on. I generally find the show hilarious. Add to that the fact that I was bored stiff (or bored by a stiffy, if you prefer), plus the comedy of the entire situation.... It may have been the longest 10 minutes of my life...

I made it though!

On the other hand, I once managed to fall asleep repeatedly while pleasuring a friend (due to utter exhaustion this time, not boredom), and still get her off, so I guess it evens out :)
(RDT <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <><, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 10:55, Reply)

Regrets
Worst sex was with a lovely blonde lass, that wasn;t the bad bit. In order to get into her pants I had to set my mate up with her mum (it was the countryside ok!) who then shagged her on the ciouch whilst I shaggfed the daughter over the armchair.

I was 15. And her mums cries / screams / moans etc haunt me to this day.

Snivels and sits in corner.

Hi Elaine!
(TAZ220 Not giving a toss since, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 10:53, Reply)

with my hand
Every damn night.
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 10:53, Reply)

Got caught mid-bonk :(
Met up with this Dental Nurse in a nightclub in Swansea about 10 years back, and went back to hers where we had some fun. A few weeks later we meet up again in the same club, and things start to get a bit frisky. We leave and go to one of the quiet roads behind the club, find this solitory bush and behind it start getting it on.

I'm there mid-pump, and I happen to notice that for some bizarre reason there is a spotlight shining on my ass. We stop, look around to find a parked up police car and the passenger copper holding a torch, while the nurse was holding mine. I burst out laughing and tell them to fuck off, which rather surprisingly they do, and the Joeystick immediately droops out of sheer embarrasement.

Didn't really see her again after that...
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 10:52, Reply)

14 years old
The garden of some hotel in Lyme Regis, fumbled around a bit. Finally slipped it in, it slipped out again, repeated this a few times, then gave up.

The fist time is always the worst, as i'm sure will be proved over the week.

It just goes to show why 'merkins are so stupid with all this abstinence untill marriage thing. As in, the worst sex I ever had was on my wedding night. Twunts.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 10:49, Reply)

ever had sex with a wooden board?
cos i reckon i know roughly what it was like.

ladies, lying flat still and demanding "harder" the whole time while providing absolutely NO encouragement whatsoever isn't helping anyone.

furthermore, me saying i like something does not mean "do it every single time until i tell you to stop, at which point you burst into tears"


virgins - avoid them.
(court escaper, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 10:45, Reply)

nah
2nd......
(barrythief, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 10:43, Reply)

First time ?
woo - actually it wasn't that good
(Yellow Car is now red, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 10:42, Reply)