Having a really bad day
Anyone got any new swears, I've used up all my favourites
(hating swallows is 20 yards from the nearest Jaffa cake, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:30, archived)

Poo on something whilst crying and barely being able to sing 'Do you really want to hurt me' whilst glaring at your boss

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:31, archived)

This might just get you sectioned.
Especially if you are pooing onto a culture club cd.
( Anthropos Was making beer on, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:32, archived)

Nice idea
but sadly I think that's the only way I could get a rise - and I'd have to let them video it
(hating swallows is 20 yards from the nearest Jaffa cake, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:32, archived)

I fail to see what the problem is then.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:33, archived)

It is only a problem if it gets released onto the net.
As a new shock video site.
( Anthropos Was making beer on, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:36, archived)

Still not a problem, IMO.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:37, archived)

Might make getting a new job quite hard.
Your nan might get a bit upset too.
( Anthropos Was making beer on, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:38, archived)

No, I meant with them in it.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:40, archived)

Ahh,
Gotcha.
( Anthropos Was making beer on, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:43, archived)

Break over
Many thanks for the suggestions and if anyone's hiring I might be needing a new job soon
(hating swallows is 20 yards from the nearest Jaffa cake, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:48, archived)

Are you a fit girl?

( WormuIus, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:53, archived)

I'm sure even if she was
she wouldn't want THAT job!
( Anthropos Was making beer on, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:54, archived)

you can do better than that seb

(PsychoChomp, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:00, archived)

I just want a pretty secretary :(

( WormuIus, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:01, archived)

I'll dress up like a girl if you want.
I might even have a shave.
( Anthropos Was making beer on, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:01, archived)

I thought you WERE the secretary.
Those fishnets must chafe a bit.
( RR I love you ... in a way, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:02, archived)

O-O
not the mental image I was looking for.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:03, archived)

why are the knees worn so thin?

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:03, archived)

my assistant is older than me,
has bad teeth and a beer belly and is a bloke.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:04, archived)

this is a terribly powerful image
make it stop please
( spacefish bong!, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:45, archived)

Nope. THINK ABOUT IT.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:47, archived)

... and that's how I met your mother.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:53, archived)

She'll shit on anything if you leave it long enough.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:02, archived)

Cuntingfuckingshitwankbollocks!
All said without pausing for breath at top volume.
( Anthropos Was making beer on, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:31, archived)

Trufflerubber

( Gooch Is neither here nor there, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:32, archived)

SALAD! offends many people on here

(likeajackhammer, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:33, archived)

*hisses*
*recoils*
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:46, archived)

*dices cucumber in your direction*

(likeajackhammer, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:56, archived)

EEET BURRRNNSSSSESS US

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:58, archived)

it's just garnish, you're not supposed to eat it

( mongychops, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:48, archived)

Same applies to cocktail umbrellas kids,
don't learn the way I did.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:59, archived)

did you eat them backwards, and when you did poos did they open out like an umbrella out the top of a chimney?

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:13, archived)

Buntyman Boybandit

( WormuIus, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:33, archived)

Mother's CUNT

( WormuIus, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:33, archived)

Lick your Father's shit from Piston's cockhead you miserable spanked cumgullet.

( WormuIus, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:34, archived)

ok, that's just made me sick

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:35, archived)

Go and eat Piston's turd out of your dead granny's blackened cunt.

( WormuIus, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:36, archived)

Go stick your head up a dead bear's bum

( WormuIus, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:38, archived)

pfft :D

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:41, archived)

I heard that your house is like JF Sebastian's house in bladerunner
except all the creepy automata are pugs with dicks for noses.
( WormuIus, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:44, archived)

BRING IT: i give you...
HOW TO MAKE YOUR OWN WORMULUS
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:53, archived)

Adding this to my profile.

( WormuIus, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:54, archived)

Also, you'll be hearing from my Attorney.

( WormuIus, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:56, archived)

indeed.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:56, archived)

DEAR INTERNET USER
Please check your gaz.

Best wishes,

INTERNETLAWYERMAN
(INTERNETLAWYERMAN QC: Ace Attorney, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:00, archived)

you get him, he was quite out of line to me earlier

( mongychops, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:04, archived)

But it was true!
Dogs are WICKED!
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:07, archived)

oh noes D:
fuck. I need some money. I'm fucked :(
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:07, archived)

you are the sole one responsible for your downfall
ha
( mongychops, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:11, archived)

D':
it's like 'Falling Down' but I've got no guns...and I was ontime for Macdonald's breakfast :(
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:15, archived)

that, is brilliant.

( RR I love you ... in a way, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:02, archived)

My present favourite is 'piss and tits'.
Not particularly new or original.
( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:34, archived)

Tossy bollocks is one I use quite a lot.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:34, archived)

COR!

(likeajackhammer, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:44, archived)

Mykey was making old Cher jokes at me saying that what I was saying about Hadrian's Walls wasn't true
here = www.b3ta.com/talk/6174939

I beg to differ
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:34, archived)

Oh dear

( WormuIus, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:35, archived)

that would make an awesome dr who episode

( spacefish bong!, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:40, archived)

they'd have to find some way to set it in Wales though

( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:41, archived)

I said "shitting pissblankets" earlier today.

( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:34, archived)

I hope it was in context

(hating swallows is 20 yards from the nearest Jaffa cake, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:36, archived)

I've no idea,
my memory isn't that good.
( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:36, archived)

blast
drat
botheration
oh dear
what a d----d nuisance
( vladimir, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:36, archived)

cuntbubble is a good one

( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:37, archived)

Cuntflaps is a perennial favorite

( Anthropos Was making beer on, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:40, archived)

Or just flaps when in a hurry...

( thealternativefact, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:45, archived)

I find golly is a favorite.

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:37, archived)

jings!

( spacefish bong!, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:40, archived)

what the deuce

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:41, archived)

hot diggety dawg!

( spacefish bong!, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:43, archived)

cripes!

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:44, archived)

dashed bounder

( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:46, archived)

Crivens!

( Mornington Crescent Come the Envolution ..., Tue 26 May 2009, 16:13, archived)

By jingo, that's gone and done it alright!
/enidblyton
( Anthropos Was making beer on, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:42, archived)

Gosh

( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:43, archived)

great googly moogly

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:45, archived)

Drat and double drat!!

( h3donist tryin' to play me out as if my name is Sega.., Tue 26 May 2009, 16:10, archived)

terrible racism

( WormuIus, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:45, archived)

holy moly

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:46, archived)

buttjamas
the trouser half of pyjamas
( spacefish bong!, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:37, archived)

Clemen
Aparently it's the hot new curse word that's sweeping the nation
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:38, archived)

How do you use it?
Verb, noun, adjective etc
(hating swallows is 20 yards from the nearest Jaffa cake, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:41, archived)

shitbasket
nobneck

or good old favourite; bellend.
( RR I love you ... in a way, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:40, archived)

Bell end is a classic.
As is 'prick'. I find it's under used. I'm on a one woman campaign to bring back 'prick' as an insult.
( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:45, archived)

I'm partial to calling people
'fucking spastic'
'knobhead'
as well as everyone's favourite
'bellend'
( WormuIus, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:47, archived)

I'm putting "face" at the end of my swears lately
cockface
cuntface
fuckface
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:50, archived)

Fuckface is a favourite of mine also.
I use it as a term of affection AS WELL AS an insult.
( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:53, archived)

I particularly like 'fuckwit'
when describing someone who has offended or annoyed.
( Anthropos Was making beer on, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:56, archived)

As the last golden rays of the evening sun shone down
they lay together in the long grass.
Doctor Farquhar began kissing her, gently at first, up and down her neck.
She shivered slightly and stared longingly into his icily blue eyes.
"Fuck me fuckface", she whispered.

From "Blue Star and the Proctologist" by Barbara Cartland.
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:03, archived)

ha ha ha ha

( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:09, archived)

There's a village near where I live called Bell End
I bet it's a laugh a minute living there
( h3donist tryin' to play me out as if my name is Sega.., Tue 26 May 2009, 16:04, archived)

Swearing is so overused in modern culture.
I prefer to cuss like a goldrush prospecter, dagnabit!
(thediscokingpin, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:42, archived)

what in tarnation

( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:43, archived)

I driiink youur miiiilkshaaaake!

( Anthropos Was making beer on, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:44, archived)

Pesky varmint

( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:44, archived)

dernit

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:46, archived)

Mah biskits a burnin'!

( Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:50, archived)

Goshdarnit

( h3donist tryin' to play me out as if my name is Sega.., Tue 26 May 2009, 16:01, archived)

Sass a frass

( hanke murphy, I'm a mess, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:06, archived)

I like the swearing in deadwood, it made swearing look even cooler

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:09, archived)

your droopy eye looks like the hood on a cunt.

( WormuIus, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:15, archived)

YOU FUCKING STUPID BAG OF TITS

( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:49, archived)

I have sudden rage
But if I do swears at work I get in trouble, and I'm on my last warning as it is.
( TopUpTheTea you ain't seen me, right?, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:51, archived)

Really?
Every office I worked in has been pretty swear happy.
I only got a quiet word when I called one of the big customers at my last job a cunt.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:55, archived)

I have nicknames for pretty much every barrister in chambers
All terribly offensive.
( WormuIus, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:57, archived)

My office is pretty pottymouthed.
Until a client comes in and we have to uphold some sort of veneer of professionalism.
( Anthropos Was making beer on, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:58, archived)

^ this, pretty much
if I wasn't allowed to sit here calling people cunts etc, I'd have been fired ages ago.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:03, archived)

ARSE BISCUITS!

( h3donist tryin' to play me out as if my name is Sega.., Tue 26 May 2009, 15:58, archived)

Pretty much anything other than the basic set of swear words
sounds convoluted and an attempt to be a bit KeRaZy!!!11

See QOTW posts for some examples.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:03, archived)

Alright you gorgeous maned misery?

( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:10, archived)

Hello micro ginge
things are not bad other than the constant PAIN obvs, I mowed my girlfriend's lawn this weekend, FNAR! How's life with the borrowers?
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:17, archived)

Ah not bad ta.
Thinking too deeply about a film I watched last night and trying to not freak out about it.
( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:20, archived)

I saw you mention that last night,
worth watching?
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:29, archived)

I'm trying to bring back 'Zounds!'
I'd appreciate it if you could use it in your angry releases. Zounds was actually outlawed in the 17th century, so offensive was it, so it's much harder than any of your modern day namby pamby swears.
( Imhotep is Invisible - Consider this a divorce, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:05, archived)

Do you bite your thumb at me sir?

( Anthropos Was making beer on, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:10, archived)

No sir, I do not bite my thumb at you sir, but I bite my thumb, sir...

( Imhotep is Invisible - Consider this a divorce, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:13, archived)

Do you quarrel, sir?

( Anthropos Was making beer on, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:17, archived)

LOL
and indeed, ROFL, sir
( Mornington Crescent Come the Envolution ..., Tue 26 May 2009, 16:18, archived)

Shakespeare uses Zounds all the time.

( WormuIus, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:13, archived)

FRUMBLESTICKS

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:07, archived)

You forget yourself!
Kindly retract that at once.
(MooCow_Byter, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:12, archived)

YOU TWAT-SHAPED TWAT

( h3donist tryin' to play me out as if my name is Sega.., Tue 26 May 2009, 16:12, archived)

guffbeak

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:17, archived)

I'm quite fond of
just yelling "FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-" at the top of my lungs. It's not swearing, so nobody can complain, and it's also quite therapeutic.
(almightyjoey is most likely listening to Electric Wizard on, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:30, archived)