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JMG!
Don't worry. 98.5% of those who take the internet way too seriously can't see any of this.
So let's talk about the football.

What would YOU do with £80m in today's transfer market?
(I helped save b3ta! Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:09, archived)
Buy an 80% share in the Toon Army.

(I helped save b3ta! Jobe, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:09, archived)
That's the stupidest thing in the world.

(I helped save b3ta! mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:12, archived)
I know.
We haven't referred to ourselves as the "Toon Army" now in around 12 years.
That's SKY TV for you.
(I helped save b3ta! Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:13, archived)
Exactly
and the "army" is the fans, not the club.
(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:14, archived)
That's what I wanted to buy.
The Geordies.
(I helped save b3ta! Jobe, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:20, archived)
Typical Chelsea.
Trying to buy fans.
(I helped save b3ta! Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:21, archived)
*waves £20 note at you*
20 10

10 5
(I helped save b3ta! Jobe, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:23, archived)
i am looking forward to JMG coming to Cardiff next season.

(I helped save b3ta! Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:43, archived)
Are you still going to be here?
I've put off daysof punching fatties to support the SSG FOREVER cause.
(I helped save b3ta! Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:44, archived)
well the fixtures should be out next month,
and i should last at least half of next season, so we'll see!
(I helped save b3ta! Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:45, archived)
if i make it that long.
hopefully the fixtures will work in my favour for this.
(I helped save b3ta! Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:44, archived)
True.
I woudn't really do that. Messi is the only other player who could be worth that much.
(I helped save b3ta! Jobe, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:13, archived)
Or Shola!

(I helped save b3ta! Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:24, archived)
*ruffles hair*

(I helped save b3ta! Jobe, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:27, archived)
HAVE FUN IN THAT AFRICA.
when do you go?
(I helped save b3ta! sleepybinky, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:13, archived)
7th of September. Wooooooooooooooooooo!

(I helped save b3ta! Jobe, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:13, archived)
That's a good day

(I helped save b3ta! Pickle Fairy is clumsily dancing away this fear, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:23, archived)
Stuff it in 80 mattresses and throw them all away

(I helped save b3ta! The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:10, archived)
topiclol

(PsychoChomp, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:14, archived)
I'm on fire
Metaphorically speaking

And I have presents. I opened them while the bird was here cuz it sucks to open presents with no one around. She accidentally bought me a white gold bracelet that is exactly the same style as my engagement ring. This makes me do a :)
(I helped save b3ta! The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:16, archived)
chav

(PsychoChomp, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:17, archived)
It's been 12 minutes and I can't think of a hilarious response
You're going to have to give me more to work with Chompy.
(I helped save b3ta! The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:29, archived)
You Norwich Chav

(PsychoChomp, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:30, archived)
I don't own anything Kappa or Elizabeth Duke :(
I did once live in Chavtown, Norwich, also known as Mile Cross, but that's was only because I couldn't afford a house anywhere else.

It was fine, we never had any trouble, they go to other parts of Norwich to steal things because everyone in Mile Cross knows their mums.

EDIT: TL-DR innit blud
(I helped save b3ta! The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:32, archived)
are you going to post me some rice crispy cakes as a late birthday present or not?

(PsychoChomp, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:34, archived)
No. No I'm not
Even though they're full of chocolatey syrupy marshmallowy goodness.

There are only 22 and I have to take some in for the bouncers.

If there are any left after my BEZZIE MATE gets her paws on them then I will post you one, for definite. I have the tupperware.
(I helped save b3ta! The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:36, archived)
AARGHHHH
*strops*
*throws stapler on floor*
(PsychoChomp, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:37, archived)
Oh chompy :(
I'm sorry. I must be such a disappointment.
(I helped save b3ta! The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:41, archived)
you fucking are,
shitbitch
(PsychoChomp, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:43, archived)
Bumder

(I helped save b3ta! The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:43, archived)
slutcunt

(PsychoChomp, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:48, archived)
Are you a lesbian now ?

(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:17, archived)
What's this?
I'm clearly a man.
(I helped save b3ta! The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:18, archived)
I thought you were a lapdancer ?
I cant keep up with all the lies online.
(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:19, archived)
I tuck my willy between my legs
It's like Silence of the Lambs but without any acting.
(I helped save b3ta! The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:21, archived)
raise £20m to buy Newcastle
and flatten the ground
(I helped save b3ta! executiverocker only wears C&A, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:11, archived)
be more specific... there's a Newcastle in almost every country in the world

(likeajackhammer, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:17, archived)
Newcastle under lyme

(I helped save b3ta! executiverocker only wears C&A, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:18, archived)
Depends who you are buying for doesnt it ?
If you're buying for Real Madrid, then it's pointless spending less than £20m on any individual.

If you're buying for the Toons assault on the Championship then £80m ought to buy you a whole squad plus pay 10 or 20 m off your debts.

If I were spunking the lot on one player, Messi.
(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:11, archived)
Cocaine & crackwhores

(I helped save b3ta! broadsword, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:12, archived)
You are Alex Mosley
aicmcw
(I helped save b3ta! The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:14, archived)
Yummy yummy yummy I've got smack in my tummy

(I helped save b3ta! broadsword, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:17, archived)
and it's muadhhafhfasdfjuuuuuuuuuuuu fwefuhfa

(I helped save b3ta! Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:28, archived)

X_X
 
(I helped save b3ta! broadsword, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:29, archived)
Needs more "told u I woz hardcore"

(I helped save b3ta! The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:33, archived)
i'd buy the barca player biscuits (sic) as fatties would put down there netbooks and come to charlton to see 20 millions quids worth of their favourite snack

(I helped save b3ta! mongychops, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:13, archived)
Excellent word work, here.
*Firm handshakes*
(I helped save b3ta! Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:15, archived)
Not waste it on muscular pillocks to distract the braying masses.
I'd pay off my mortgage, my mum's mortgage, but all my friends houses, give a load away to charity and probably save the rest for good causes that I find.
(I helped save b3ta! Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:13, archived)
All these mortgages
are unlikely to even amount to 3/4 of a million.

You've got EIGHTY MILLION. Show some imagination, think big.

I'd buy Ronaldo and make him clean dog shit up off the street.
(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:15, archived)
I wouldn't buy any footballers.
There's more money floating around in that bowl than is needed anyway.
(I helped save b3ta! Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:16, archived)
you could start a team with a load of 18-year olds from local sixth forms.

(I helped save b3ta! Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:20, archived)
That'd mean being around them by choice, though.

(I helped save b3ta! Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:21, archived)
Make him clean up dog shit by EATING it
the smug cunt
(I helped save b3ta! Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:19, archived)
Buy loads of second-hand Chechnyan weaponry
and kill everyone in the first three leagues
(I helped save b3ta! Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:13, archived)
I'd spend it all on Moon Pie

(I helped save b3ta! Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:13, archived)
Vagner Love and Yuri Zhirkov.
Probably Igor Akinfeev while I'm at it. Clean sweep of CSKA.
(I helped save b3ta! mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:13, archived)
start two Formula 1 teams

(I helped save b3ta! Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:13, archived)
Crash them in to each other?

(I helped save b3ta! Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:16, archived)
F1 could be made more interesting by making half the cars drive the opposite way round the track

(I helped save b3ta! Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:18, archived)
or having figure 8 tracks but with crossroads instead of bridges

(I helped save b3ta! parttimedogfish, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:36, archived)
this is an awesome idea!

(negative armadillo There never was much hope..just a fool's hope., Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:41, archived)
Just buy a scalextric set
there's more overtaking.
(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:16, archived)
The season looked like it was going to be interesting at the start
& has got progressively duller with each race. Formula 1 needs water hazards & stuff to liven it up.
(I helped save b3ta! broadsword, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:19, archived)
Needs to be more like Interstate '76
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interstate_%2776
(I helped save b3ta! Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:22, archived)
NO!
uk.gamespot.com/pc/driving/bigrigsotrr/review.html
(I helped save b3ta! Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:34, archived)
Wanna see my big rig?

(I helped save b3ta! broadsword, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:35, archived)
oh man, I got's ta play this
uk.gamespot.com/pc/driving/bigrigsotrr/video/6086534/big-rigs-over-the-road-racing-gameplay-movie-3
(I helped save b3ta! Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:39, archived)
I want to have a go of this
www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVfV2OzEHwg
(I helped save b3ta! Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:44, archived)
my mate had that game
it was terrible
(I helped save b3ta! parttimedogfish, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:37, archived)
The chequered flag will be replaced by the "You're Winner!" banner,
for every driver.
(I helped save b3ta! Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:39, archived)
YOU'RE WINNER!

(I helped save b3ta! The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:40, archived)
No,
YOU'RE WINNER!
(I helped save b3ta! Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:44, archived)
buy a load of aircraft carriers,
and arrange them in a circuit.
(I helped save b3ta! Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:17, archived)
How many aircraft carriers do you think you could buy with only £80m?

(I helped save b3ta! Dave Trouser ; the people's choice - 75% agree, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:28, archived)
about 18
www.kungfo0.org/theweb/ebay/carrier.html
(I helped save b3ta! Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:30, archived)
"H.P.: 36,000 SHP"
Is that Sea Horse Power?
(I helped save b3ta! Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:42, archived)
Shaft Horse Power, apparently.
I guess a ship doesn't have brakes.
(I helped save b3ta! Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:46, archived)
John Shaft Horse!

(I helped save b3ta! Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:56, archived)
Oh dear.

(I helped save b3ta! Dave Trouser ; the people's choice - 75% agree, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:52, archived)
I'd steal the money and buy some pretty shoes.
I think I put too much butter in my cake, it's got a thin layer of melted marge on top. I've left it in a few more minutes to see if it helps.
(I helped save b3ta! Bats, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:15, archived)
has it helped?

(I helped save b3ta! mongychops, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:18, archived)
I'm aware you find me dull.
I kind of miss the venom-spitting mongy, what happened to him? Is he still in there?
(I helped save b3ta! Bats, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:23, archived)
nope, his file was deleted when i was upgraded to version 2.0, new, nice, caring, sensitive software

(I helped save b3ta! mongychops, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:28, archived)
Thing is JMG,
Me being old and all that, I remember way back when £80m was an aweful lot of money.
(I helped save b3ta! Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:15, archived)
I remember when one hundred pounds could buy ANYTHING

(I helped save b3ta! Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:16, archived)
HA!
Keep up with the times Grandad!
That's the price of a season ticket these days.
(I helped save b3ta! Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:16, archived)
1991
Paul Gascoigne
£5m

Seemed like the most money anyone would ever spend on a footballer.
(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:18, archived)
Add his bar bill to that and it takes it close to the £80m.

(I helped save b3ta! Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:30, archived)
I've got at least £23million in change down the back of my sofa.

(I helped save b3ta! Jobe, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:19, archived)
We wipe our arses on white fivers.

(I helped save b3ta! Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:31, archived)
Invest in hair and tanning salons.
And buy a Buell 1125R
(I helped save b3ta! Lisette von Falcon, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:17, archived)
Eighty million pounds ?
Eighty fucking million pounds and you've just spent about four hundred grand.

People her have no fucking imagination.
(I helped save b3ta! Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:19, archived)
Why the fuck would I want to spend all of it?
What should I say? some lolwhacky answer like 'fill a pool with pudding and pay models to wrestle in it'?
(I helped save b3ta! Lisette von Falcon, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:21, archived)
Yeah!
Say that!
It's not like it's legally binding or anything.
(I helped save b3ta! Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:23, archived)
who needs laws?

(I helped save b3ta! Lisette von Falcon, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:24, archived)
courts

(I helped save b3ta! Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:25, archived)
Actually, I'd set aside a million
to buy 50 Fiat 125ps and fit them with proper modern engines, brakes and stuff, reinforce the shells, make them roadworthy, and sell them to real Polish Patriots for half-price.
(I helped save b3ta! Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:23, archived)
Buy fuckloads of shares in Bogdanka when they make their share issue
And establish a Polish Entrepreneurs Fund to inspire these bastards to open some fucking shops and sell stuff.
(I helped save b3ta! Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:18, archived)
You got some INSIDE knowledge?
My AFC Energy shares have shot right up.
(I helped save b3ta! mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:36, archived)
Buy that electric hedge trimmer I've had my eye on.

(I helped save b3ta! Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:20, archived)
Pfffft, I choked a bit after reading that.

(I helped save b3ta! Jobe, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:21, archived)
steady on there, hire one first see if you like it

(I helped save b3ta! mongychops, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:22, archived)
If you want to hang around me you'd best get used to my wreckless ways fast.

(I helped save b3ta! Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:24, archived)
i'm giddy just reading all this
i need a lay down
(I helped save b3ta! mongychops, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:26, archived)
A blender
and the remainder would go on cats.
(I helped save b3ta! Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:21, archived)
I'd buy an island in the south pacific and turn
it into some sort of secret layer and invest the money in new technologoies with a view to becoming a superhero.
(I helped save b3ta! Jobe, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:22, archived)
Employ my favourite b3tans
So they'd never have to work for cunt employers again, other than me.
(I helped save b3ta! Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:24, archived)
Transfer it all into my named Swiss account,
then pay it from there into my numbered accounts.
Then move some through Lichtenstein and the BV islands.
Once it had undergone some bearer bond transformations, and filtered through some umbrella companies I would use it to buy up small team stadiums, thus hopefully thwarting the growth of up and coming players, leaving the cream of the shit to be promoted to the big teams.
With the low standard the hardcore fans would beat each other to death in rage, and the not-so-hardcore would simply get bored. This would allow the gradual decline of the big game and the seriousness that goes with it.

From the money I make speculating against teams shares I would finance a campaign across all remaining football grounds that states 'and Lager is shit too, you fucking thugs'.

I'm not really a football fan. But I do enjoy a kickabout in the park.
(thediscokingpin, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:25, archived)
jumpers for goalposts, mm

(I helped save b3ta! Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:27, archived)
Enduring image isn't it?

(I helped save b3ta! Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:29, archived)
Gary Lineker, face aglow, bearing down on you

(thediscokingpin, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:32, archived)
:(

(I helped save b3ta! Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:36, archived)
Build a timetravel sexorium and go and find Raquel Welch in her 'One Million Years B.C' days.

(I helped save b3ta! Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:25, archived)
I want to change my answer to this.

(thediscokingpin, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:26, archived)
Make Take That perform their Circus show just for me and my friends.
It was FUCKING BRILLIANT.

Or use my cash to stalk famous people that I fancy.
(I helped save b3ta! Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:30, archived)
*sadface*
I have heard very good things of the tour.
(I helped save b3ta! Pickle Fairy is clumsily dancing away this fear, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:31, archived)
It was fabulous.
Even the fact it was hammering it down with rain didn't detract from it's magnificence. And I saw Howard live in the flesh. And I did do screaming at him. And I cried when they played Rule the World and there were fireworks and a mechanical elephant and jugglers. And clowns, but they can fuck off.
(I helped save b3ta! Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:34, archived)
Or spend it all on cakes.
Or get a personality transplant. Or something.
(I helped save b3ta! Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:32, archived)
On the 22nd of July I'll be in Newcastle
Fighting in the Northern Open.
(I helped save b3ta! GrandmaOfShoes, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:36, archived)
*Punches the sky*
I'll prepare the bunting.
(I helped save b3ta! Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:37, archived)
I expect to see the following signs
"GO GO GMOS RANGER!"

and

"POWER TO KOBUDOKAN X"
(I helped save b3ta! GrandmaOfShoes, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:39, archived)
SEE!
there's always a positive!
(likeajackhammer, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:41, archived)
I'll do my best to take the cup home.

(I helped save b3ta! GrandmaOfShoes, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:43, archived)
leave my mind-numbing job and live happy.

(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:37, archived)
What's work like as a mind number?

(I helped save b3ta! Druid, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:47, archived)
boring.
there is lots of copy and pasting and condescending colleagues.
(I helped save b3ta! spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 16:04, archived)
Chroflstiano Lolaldo!
I'd put £40m into state of the art training facilities and bring in about 8000 people on trial. You must be able to find a few good players from that.
(I helped save b3ta! Imhotep is Invisible - Consider this a divorce, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 15:44, archived)