Not so much a freebie...
rather the fact it was not nailed down then I do honestly believe its rightfully mine.

Saturday morning, woke up in a hotel in the center of a large northern city... Now the few times I have ventured to this particular city I have been somewhat oblitterated, and this time was exactly that... So you can understand my miffdom when half naked I was presented with the trolley donkey comeing to inspect the mini bar... I'd only managed the night before to quaff two miniture gins, so when he replaced them I decided it was well within my rights to pretend such an activity had not occured and necked the two of them for a tramp breakfast.

they have as of yet to appear on my credit card...

give it a week
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 11:52, Reply)

Winey children
No, that's not a typo: SwiftyisNOTevil's post from yesterday reminds me of one of my own jeuvenile encounters with boozy grape juice.

To set the scene, there's a couple of things you need to know about my 'rents when I was young. The first is that they were a "host family" for overseas students from the local university: the idea was that they would act as surrogate family if necessary, provide the odd hot meal once a term, and so on. The other is that they always had a creditably mature approach to booze - giving me whisky at six weeks old notwithstanding - such that they were always happy for me to try a sip, and, from the age of about 8, to let me have a glass of wine with meals. (In retrospect, that explains quite a lot.)

Anyway: one evening in the mid '80s, the university held a reception for these host families. Wine was provided. I was taken along.

I decided that I was thirsty, so went along to the drinks table. The orange juice didn't attract me, so I asked for a couple of glasses of medium white. The person serving assumed, reasonably enough, that I was going to take them to my parents, who were standing just behind me.

I still smile when I think of the look on his face as he watched a nine-year-old calmly down both glasses in two expert glugs.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 10:42, 4 replies)

Me old GCSE English teacher
was awesome :) He'd regularly join in with the banter and was a damn good teacher too (he could explain anything to anyone). One of our last lectures with him though, one of the cocky 15-16 year olds called James had smuggled in a 4 pack of Carling and was happily swigging away at the back of the class. After 5 minutes of this the teacher noticed this, and confiscated just the one can.

He sits at his front desk, opens it up and backs half the can in one gulp. "Ahhh, this is the fucking life, eh James?" he says, then asks James to just keep it out of site in case any miserable cunt comes into the room and complains. Looks like teach abused his position to get a free lager, result :D
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 10:22, 2 replies)

In teh arcades....
...down on Mumbles Pier in Swansea. Tis like Brighton Pier, but on a very limited budget. The arcades have loads of 2p games, including the ones which slide back and forth on levels (something like what's included on here, ohhh I'm such a talent :p). I'm aged 5 and me mum and dad have brought me down here for a "day out".

So dad gets a handful of 2ps and starts playing this slidy level game, dropping them down onto the sliding platform and hoping to knock a shitload of 2ps over the edge. After about 20 minutes of playing this he's won approximately 20p back and is right pissed off. So just as a big bunch of kids walk close-by, he slyly turns his back to the machine and boots the fecker, setting all the alarms off and dropping a shitload of 2ps into all the winning slots. Security run over and see a married couple with a young kid all looking at the kids walking past, and he immediately starts running after them instead of me dad. Cue most of the kids getting kicked out of the arcade and me dad getting most of his money back as the security guard was too focused on blaming the kids to notice him scooping the 2ps back from the dented machine :D
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 9:52, Reply)

Me dad regularly gets given information for free...
...from these odd people who turn up at his doorstep saying that "God's real name is Jehova", to which he politely replies by offering the advice of "Get the fuck off my doorstep before you get hurt". I suppose this qualifies.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 9:42, 8 replies)

Bindun?


I got a brand new, top-of-the-range 12 speed mountain bike for FREE the other day.

I couldn’t believe my luck….it was just there in the street…

...


…Lying next to a dead cyclist.


*baddum tish*


*regrets post already*

*and inevitable abusive replies*

*Prepares for onslaught*

*pray for pooflake*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 14 Nov 2007, 8:46, 5 replies)

Sports Almanac
An old man gave me a Sports Almanac from the year 2015 and told me to bet on the winners, guaranteed to win every time. I lost it as quickly as I lost interest.

He called me a butthead.
(Marty McFly's Father You're not getting any peanuts until we get home!, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 7:22, 2 replies)

Our company gets loads of freebies.....
...what we do is search the internet for anything that has recently been listed for copyrighted material and then even if they are not using it for commercial use we bully money out of them with legal jargon. Tis great, we get money for nothing and normally have an awesome Xmas Party from the "fear bonus" to boot!

Signed - Websheriff
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 7:05, 1 reply)

Best freebies I ever had...
I was staying in town overnight for a work-related 'conference'. So, myself and a couple of other lads decide that we should hit the strip clubs. Upon arrival, we are given a ticket for the 'door prize'. Anyway, we duly pay our nominal door cover charge, and head into the very crowded bar, and partake of the visual feast of unclad, young, nubile, extremely hot women gyrating around poles (not mine unfortunately). Some hours roll on and many, many drinks and several 'intimate' lap dances later, the door prize is drawn - and its my ticket!
The prize was an open, unlimited drinks card for the remainder of the evening, AND, to be on the judging panel for Miss Showgirl 2006. Oh, the power! There were about 10 acts, and each lady had to be judged on criteria such as sex appeal, coreography, flexability etc. Needless to say each girl was pretty keen to win, so they well and truly put their best performances on for the judging panel (there were 3 of us if I remember correctly) and the drinks card was absolutely abused, handed around to friends, associates, strangers who returned from each expedition to the bar loaded up with glasses of spirits and jugs of beer. What more perfect evening could there be? Having all manner of free alcohol brought to you by extremely attractive waitresses, and a bevy of naked and near naked, gorgeous women all wanting your attention and putting on their best performance to get it??
The icing on the cake though, was that one of the friends who came along, smuggled his digital camera in with him, and was so hammered that he thought nothing of asking several of the girls to join us in a group photo. So I also have photographic evidence that this night actually happened and I didn't imagine the whole thing..
(BikeBoy <Insert witty sig here>, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 6:30, 1 reply)

Try the Cannabis Cup in Amsterdam.
As a snapper I went a few years ago. Free joints/coffee cards at the airport. Free do at the Sensi Seeds Company where they have salvers of free bud to sample, the stuff isnt marketed yet. Really, kilos of the best experimental weed on the planet for free. Do you want to try this. Free. I'm meant to be shooting this. Fuck. It's the same week as my birthday. Mega.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 14 Nov 2007, 5:04, Reply)

Whilst at the Psychos (see previous)
I had a supplier. I won't mention them because Gav still works there.

Gav would ring me when he had a product that would earn him extra cash. I would buy said product in larger than normal quantities but on a delayed delivery.

Shorlty before delivery I would cancel the order. Gav still got the cash.

Every 3 months or so I would journey to London and spend a weekend down there. I would pay my train but after that the Coke (not cola) the Champaign (sic) and the gig usually at Brixton Academy would be for free. I wouldnoy put my hand in my pocket all weekend.

He had a mate, Johnny, who would drive us around. He was a great guy - apart from the one time he decided to set me alight because I had passed out. I woke up. They put the flames out, and offered me more of the same.

Ah Happy Days.
(poonss ...howlingspoons, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 0:25, Reply)

Many moons ago
I was the buyer for a chain of 6 or 7 computer stores based in the North West of England. We advertised far and wide and at the time was about the same size as Evilsham Psychos, who I ended up working for (but that matters not)

I was invited to a conference in Edinburgh to see their new software on demand (SOD - hmmm)system. This was basically a vending machine that produced copies of the latest Atari ST and Amiga software as and when customers wanted it.

Booked into the hotel and was informed that the entire cost of my stay would be met by the company organising the overnight stay.

To coin a phrase used by another B3tan "Result!"

Spent the afternoon emptying the mini bar.

Off to the presentation. Doze through that and then off to the buffet and after to the bar. Now this is back in the day when a guy in a suit, but who has dreadlocks and facial peircings was a tad unusual, but one of the salesmen decided I was cool and with me putting out for the new system he gives me his room number to charge my drinks to, and then retires.

I became to the focus of events for the rest of the night. We drank Heavy, we drank brandy, we drank anything we damn well felt like until a 3am there was two of us left slurring. Me and a fat gut (sic. meant guy) who ran one shop in some back water.

He offered to double my salary if I cut my dreads off because they "sent out the wrong signals". I told him I'd accept if he dropped 5 stone. He became abusive at this suggestion.

I met the salesman the next morning over a green faced breakfast, and admitted that we were unlikely to take the system on. He then admitted that he was unlikely to carry on working for the company because he thought the product was shite, but had given me his tab because it would nmake it look like he was working the customers. So double whammy abuse.

The trip home to Liverpool was uncomfortable. Length - click here
(poonss ...howlingspoons, Wed 14 Nov 2007, 0:18, 2 replies)

Freebies
Back in the days when the telecoms company I (still) work for hadn't defrauded the public of a gazillion dollars there was a lot of travel to set up offices and the like. A couple of mates of mine got the gig in Amsterdam. The rules of the road were: get the job done and if you have any spare time you can claim expences. They had 4 days work which they finished in 2.
The remaining 2 days were spent stoned, pissed and amused. All very entertaining but what's relevant to the story?
Well in Amsterdam there is the T-Bar (where drinks and lapdances are a tenner) and the banana bar (where...oh go there and find out). I saw their expense bill, paid in full, and included three visits to each establishment. So: claimed and received expences for a) having beautiful ladies strip and gyrate on you and b) watching not so beautiful ladies peal and allow you to eat bananas in new and interesting ways. And people wonder why we went bankrupt....
(DustyD, Tue 13 Nov 2007, 23:07, Reply)

Went to a little hole-in-the-wall bar called "Rocket to Venus" in Baltimore
nice place, low key, great food, good beer selection.

Went to the bar and saw on the counter that about every third seat there were small cups full of little white/green pellets. "Mints!" thinks I. Like a child dipping his hand in a bowl of gumdrops, I swipe about 10 or so and stuff them into my mouth.

No, no. They were wasabi pellets.

My friends stare at me and I try my hardest to just pretend they were mints, but they keep staring, until finally it becomes too much and I forcibly spit them onto the floor beneath my stool, making a right mess.

Most likely a regular occurrence, the bartender just gave me a wet rag and told me to clean it up.

"Plenty of people make the same mistake with just one, but I've never seen such well-punished greed" he mused.
( AgentMuu hentai coordination, Tue 13 Nov 2007, 22:22, 2 replies)

First Taste of Paradise
When I was but a young strapping lad of 11, my parents decided to take us on a family holiday. It was somewhere in Spain (most of my family holidays have been to Spain, and all the different locations have kind of merged into one in my memory). I was a typical 11 year old - still a child, full of wide-eyed innocence and a love of causing trouble. However, I was becoming aware of a number of things that seemed to be 'grown-up' activities, like drinking or smoking. Being naturally curious, I decided to try these activities at the best possible opportunity, to see what all the fuss was about.

Such an opportunity arose around a week into the holiday. To break up the monotony of lazing around the pool by day and eating out at night, my parents booked an entertainment night with dinner, dancing, and free bottles of wine for every table. I'm sure you can probably tell where this is going...

First up was the meal, then afterwards the adults headed to the dance floor to boogie. My parents took my sister up to dance, and told me to watch the table. Sensing my chance, I checked around me to see if anyone was watching, then, satisfied that the coast was clear, poured myself a large glass of red wine and hid it under the table.

At first I tried sniffing it. Uuurgh, it smelled weird. Then I tried a little taste, and discovered that it tasted worse than it smelled. However, I was a determined little bugger and I wasn't going to let that put me off. After checking that no-one was watching, I held my nose and drank as much of it as I could.

Hmmm...not bad, but I can't really see what all the fuss is about. Maybe I'll have another drink...

After draining a full glass, I poured myself another and managed half before giving up. Deciding alcohol wasn't all it was cracked up to be, I left the table to visit the toilet. On my way there, I found myself veering to the left slightly. It was strange, but by concentrating I managed to walk normally again.

I entered the toilets, and went into one of the cubicles. Still slightly puzzled over my difficulties walking, I unzipped my trousers and started to pee. All of a sudden, I noticed I was swaying. What the hell was going on? Why couldn't I stand still? The harder I tried to stop, the more I swayed, until I had to throw out a hand to stop myself headbutting the wall.

I leaned against the wall, trying to get my balance. Gradually, I noticed the room seemed to be moving slightly under my feet. What the fuck? Had the floor come alive? Had the toilet been hit by a really shit earthquake? This was getting weirder and weirder. I decided I'd better leave this room with it's travelator-style floors and return to my seat, where I could ponder this mystery in safety.

On leaving the toilet, I paused to have a look around. Now, I was quite shy when I was a child, and normally the thought of dancing would bring me out in a cold sweat, but for some reason I felt an incredible urge to hit the dance floor and strut my stuff. Some hitherto-unused part of my brain was telling me I was the best dancer in the world, and it was only fair to share my gift with the world.

So I swaggered onto the floor, assumed my best John Travolta position, and proceeded to dance like a bare-footed mong on a hotplate. I swung my arms wildly, waved my legs around and yelled "Wooooo!"

Man, this dancing was easy. I should've tried it ages ago.

At this point my Mum notices me and, having had quite a few glasses of wine herself, decides to head over and dance with me. Queue me being spun round and round by a mad drunken woman, both of us stumbling all over the place laughing like lunatics. When we eventually sat back down at our table, red-cheeked from exertion, she asked me if I wanted to taste wine to see what it was like. I agreed, and she let me take a drink from her glass. Yep - just as I remembered it. Still disgusting.

That night, when we got back to the apartment I rushed into the bathroom and projectile vomited red wine everywhere - all over the toilet, sink and floor. My Mum came in, shook her head, and said, "Jesus - I had no idea one little sip of wine would do this to you." She put me to bed and cleaned up the whole bathroom, and I could hear her and my Dad arguing about it - he blamed her for getting me drunk. She nursed me all the next day, through one of the worst hangovers I have ever experienced in my life.

So by abusing a free bottle of wine, I gave my Mum a massive guilt trip and myself a hellish hangover.

You'd think I would have learned some kind of lesson from all this.

I didn't.

Oh well...
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Tue 13 Nov 2007, 21:50, 3 replies)

Crap village carnival.
There's very little to do in my village.

Every year there's a carnival with a parade down the high street full of shite floats built by local scout troops and kiddies football teams, once you get to the carnival awaiting you is a beer tent, several bouncy castles a fire engine and a local teenage band playing cover versions of Green Day and McFly (snigger). (As well as some other stuff)

Needless to say this got boring right quick so me and a friend of mine played a little game called "see how much free shit you can aquire".

My grand total:
- 5 Metal smoke detector shaped keyrings
- 7 Rubber fire engine keyrings
- A polystyrene cup
- 2 "Moonbugs" (decorative shiny stones with eyes and a magnet stuck to it) now affixed to the telly in my bedroom
- A can of Pepsi Max
- A can of Lilt


Not too shabby when you consider that only the keyrings were being given out free! We just walked around asking (and on several occasions begging) for ANYTHING so long as it was free even crap nobody would actually want, (hence the polystyrene cup i aquired).

On a seperate occasion, when my neighbour moved i got a single 3 kg dumbell, an excercise bike and a shitload of tennis balls!
(chrisdood Why yes, I am the shizzle, Tue 13 Nov 2007, 21:30, Reply)

I once
got an aerobee stuck up my arse.

Sorry my mistake, thought you said frisbies.
(RickGrimes Quite frankly, disappointed on, Tue 13 Nov 2007, 19:16, 1 reply)

abusing others abuse of freebies
Working in the ritzy glitzy world of television (pfffffft! snigger), I spent a mind-numbing few years as the postroom monkey. That was almost a freebie itself as I never worked more than 4 hours of the 38 per week I was paid for.
I digress.

The place I worked used to make the main Saturday morning kids show before it rebranded and moved elsewhere. In the transient nature of most telly types, the production team all finished their contracts and fucked off too. Their legacy, as you may call it, was that they seemed to be on all the best mailing lists of record labels and games companies.

I was a little slow on the uptake as it was months after the people left that I opened an unclaimed jiffy-bag addrressed to some forgotten soul and found an x-box game. From then I kept an eagle eye sharpened on every jiffy bag that passed through my torture chamber. Anything not addressed to a current staff member was snaffled and pillaged.

It eventually tailed off, but not before I'd netted myself several PS1 games, about 15 PS2 games, a few dozen CD singles and albums varying between excellent and pure shite and a boatload of that 'mood setting' muzak and sound effects that keyboard ticklers try to earn royalties from.

So these, my friend were 2nd hand freebies that I sort of 'inherited'. Not that it detracts in any way from their quality or value, since many of the items I liberated were in the premier league of freebies, the (decent) music was all pre-release with record label stickers saying so and the games were some sort of pre-release test copies, which were actually full game discs just with no packaging or instruction book. They came in plain CD-single type case, usually a pleasing transparent blue.

(I recognise this waffle deserves a length gag, but can't be arsed to think of one. Please feel free.)
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Tue 13 Nov 2007, 17:56, 6 replies)

Free DVDs
During my days working on a local London radio station I was offered a free "journalist subscription" to review the delights of a online DVD rental service that has since changed its name several times.

Thing is, they never cancelled it and I had free movies for three years.

Only got rumbled after Royal Mail managed to lose a title that I had returned leading to an investigation into my "account".

The email they sent me was a peach: "We appear not to have any payment details for you..."
(kingnutter, Tue 13 Nov 2007, 17:20, Reply)

Spoiling it for everyone else.
"We will not be running [enjoyable activity] this year because of the actions of a certain few last year."

I hope those running up the big bills, getting disgracefully drunk, and acting like twats feel suitably guilty when they hear those words. Then again, people like that are too selfish to think about anyone else's lost enjoyment.
(Musuko, Tue 13 Nov 2007, 16:56, 6 replies)

Free bar disaster...
I once got a nice freebie from my Mum who worked in marketing. She couldn't attend so sent me and the future Missus bryce in her place. Big mistake.
It was at a very posh hotel and it kicked off with free champagne on arrival that me and the missus took full advantage of. Then dinner and more drink. The after dinner drinks at the bar. I held up surprisingly well but the missus was wrecked by 10pm. I was fairly pissed off as it meant having to leave my free malt whisky supply, but I had no other option than take the boozy girl home.
We make it to reception without incident, but can't see any taxis outside. I leave the girl sitting outside (thinking that the fresh air might help, and that she can't walk too good anyway) and go into reception to see if they can get me one. For some reason at this point the girl wants to come see me and starts staggering towards the front door. They have one of those automatic revolving doors that starts moving when it senses your approach... Disaster! This is too complicated for the pissed up wench to negotiate and she gets the timing all wrong. Thunk! Head trapped betwixt door and door frame! Needless to say myself and the reception staff started howling with laughter, pointing, calling friends to look etc.
I never got another freeby from my mother again...
(brycemonkey No fatal accidents since:, Tue 13 Nov 2007, 16:27, 1 reply)

What is it about...
...management-level meetings that makes teeny tiny sandwiches de rigeur?

Freebies yeah, but not worth bothering with, let alone abusing... well, maybe verbally. Honestly, I've eaten peanuts that have filled me more than those things do.

EDIT for ANCRENNE: Yeah, there are often leftovers but all I can think of is that they've been liberally mauled with for the best part of an hour before being thrown open to the masses. Ick :|
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Tue 13 Nov 2007, 16:16, 4 replies)

Heinz BIG soup
When I was at uni Heinz did one of their travelling promotion things and turned up offering free tins of their new invention "BIG Soup" (as the tin was proudly labelled).

On of the Heinz minions offered me a tin of the stuff with a cheery "Would you like a FREE sample of soup?".

My reply; "Nah, I fucking hate soup. Especially with lumps in it!".

So that's another example of me abusing freebies!
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Tue 13 Nov 2007, 16:07, Reply)

Car
Has leggless posted about the free car he was given which came with a free thi bride and diesel bull elephant?

I got a load of boxes of Hugo boss samples at uni, where upon I filled my stinking footy boots anf running shoes with the sweet smelling nectar, the smell of Hugo Boss and sweaty feet mingled to create a new fragrance all of it's own, where upon now if I smell hugo boss it makes me heave and wretch!

The end fuck off etc
(ruud316, Tue 13 Nov 2007, 15:53, 11 replies)

Friday was Christmas day
When I was wee nipper, my Dad worked in sales for a company called Kaleidoscope. They were kind of like Innovations (the little catalogue you sometimes get in the Times, full of crazy shit like nose hair clippers etc). This company was a little different as they sold loads more toys, but ones that where pretty technologically advanced for their time.

Apparantly the company had absolutely no stock control to speak of and he could walk into the warehouse at any time and just grab any "samples" that he wanted for "clients".

Every Friday, without fail, he would come home with a new toy for each of me and my brother. The toys ranged from space invader watches to laser shooting games. Bare in mind that this was 1980, so this stuff was pretty way out there. I think that they all cost an absolute bomb. No wonder they went bust.
(Tom Jones's Mojo Hasn't had any since, Tue 13 Nov 2007, 15:49, Reply)

Arrrgggghhhh!!!!
I fookin hate pedantic grammer guzzling buggers. Its not bloody 'A' level english papers were writing here.

Get a life!

Or life's!


OOps! should have posted this in reply to christopsy.
( girlinthehole, Tue 13 Nov 2007, 15:41, 16 replies)