Dentists and Docs
Its getting more and more upsetting reading the fit doctor/dentist stories as all mine are male!! (i am a bloke btw). Bugger shit mcbuggery

Even the one time and only time i've had a massage on hols (a proper one before any of you start) i got the bloke and my mates got the girls- arsemunkeynuts.

Anyway- im a trainee lawyer and i once found myself talking to a barrister about a case and she had quite frankly the sexiest most horn inducing voice EVER!! It could hold up a bridge it was that hard. So there i was, middle of the day, in my office, chatting bout Causation/accient sites/broken arms etc with a lob on. I then made the FATAL error of looking up her picture on her Chambers website and shes just f.i.t all over!!

She now gets lots of case related fone calls and i get to meet her in few weeks- YEAY!!

(And no she doesnt look like Rose from Keeping Up Appearances- but thank god i'm not the only one who went through that phase!)
(Keyser Soze, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 17:09, Reply)

Wrong I know
but Wesely Crusher from Star Trek Teh NG makes me wet.
(hottwist, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 17:07, Reply)

church...
well techniqually was'nt actually church that made the soldier salute but its so god damned boring (blasphemey?) that theres nothing else to think about but the lurvely ladies.

never helped being 13 either
( m-a-t-t -- formerly mini hasn't been on here for EVER!, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 17:03, Reply)

Everything

( Ghostwriter can't pick up his pencil, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 17:01, Reply)

Having accidentally got myself involved in someone else's fight
outside Tramps in Worcester, at the young and stupid age of 20, a bouncer thought it might be a jolly good wheeze to twat me around the chops.
With blood pouring from my now gaping lip, the two friends I was with decided maybe I should go to casualty, via the kebab house.
I found it very difficult to ask the nurse for her phone number as she was stitching me up, but I kept trying. She was bloody lovely. Or maybe I was just pissed.
( the wild elk Freeing excellence affects reality, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 17:01, Reply)

dentists and opticians
i think i notice a re-occuring theme here.

my dentist is a stunning swedish girl - all you need in a dentist.

and like others, its all i can do not to burst out laughing when the stunning lady optician looks deep in my eyes.

\\relurks
(33% longer is struggling to think of a witty comment for here, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 17:00, Reply)

Discovery Channel
I went through a period in my youth when watching documentaries on Gorilla mating used to warm my cockles.
Looking back now its not that bad really as we share 97% DNA.
(Slatts If you cant remember it didnt happen, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 16:48, Reply)

Keyser Soze
I know what you mean about Rose from Keeping Up Appearances. But I think it's because you knew she was a guaranteed shag, and in your hormonal years that's a much much bigger draw in a potential partner than looks, hygiene, non-disease-having etc
(electricteeth, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 16:37, Reply)

Job interview
Went for a job interview, where i was meeting the IT director and the senior developer. The senior developer turned out to be a stunningly gorgeous spanish lady with really nice large breasts. Lean, trim and curves in all the right places. She was wearing a low cut dress and as the interview went on would lean forward, so you could see a very nice and large cleavage.

I spent the whole interview mentally telling myself "dont look, dont look, concentrate, FUCKING HELL THEY'RE GORGEOUS, dont look, dont look, concentrate, FUCKING HELL THEY'RE GORGEOUS", repeat ad infinitum
(loquis, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 16:31, Reply)

Massage Parlour
A FOF was in a massage parlour and got the customary hard on. When he turned over the girl asked him if a hand job was in order. The sweat flew from his fevered brow with his frantic nodding. "OK, I'll be back in 10 minutes then", was her reply. He felt suitably tiny at that point.
(HongKongFluey, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 16:16, Reply)

Two Bricks would have hurt less.
Three kids. Wife says vasectomy. I agree. My only concern was what if I got a hard on?

From experience I can now tell you that you should never, ever worry about it happening to you. What you should worry about is the post operative pain as it hurt like f*c*ing hell.
( Blackdogmanguitar is out with Fat Larry's Jazz Band on, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 16:15, Reply)

Picture this...
...Waking up late because you got stoned the night before, rushing round getting ready for work (for which you know you'll be late); speed walking, still half alseep, to the bus stop; getting on the crowded bus and slumping into your seat, listening to your walkman (as it was back in the day); thinking about the shitty day ahead - and you're already knackered...

...And then for some unknown reason, all of a sudden, IT STRIKES!

DELAYED MORNING WOOD!!!!!

WTF!

AND I HAVE TO GET OFF AT THE NEXT STOP!!!!

GO AWAY!!!...

...

...

ITS NOT GOING AWAY!!!!

PANIC..

PANIC..

MAGGY THATCHER..

MAGGY THATCHER..

MAGGY THATCHER..

...

BERNARD MANNING...

NAKED...

WITH DIAHOREAH...

...

ITS NOT WORKING!!!!

*bus stopping*

GULP...

*strategically places arm in "straight down" position*

*shuffles off bus looking like some weird hunchback with a hard-on!*

its not funny at the time i can tell ya!
(A Hospital Carpark, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 16:11, Reply)

Not so much erotic...
You find going to the optician arousing? It's all I can do to keep a straight face, I excpect the bloke examining me thinks I have some sort of problem. I don't know why, it's just something about a face peering into my eye from behind a bright light that makes me shudder as I try to control my riotous laughter.

Of course, I can understand how it could be erotic if their was a pretty lady looking at you in a darkened room, but a sincere, middle aged man with an outlandish eyepiece on is one of the most embarassingly funny things I have to put up with every six months.

It's making me chuckle now just thinking about it.
(WarneMarsh My priority for frivolity begets quality jollity, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 16:08, Reply)

Oh, hospitals are good for accidentally erotic moments.
Thinking I might have appendicitis, I rushed down to casualty, only to find the doctor was really young and quite ridiculously attractive. And he has to spend about ten minutes pressing at and rubbing his hands across my stomach. Closest thing I'd come to sex in a long time and I got far too excited with the whole ordeal. At least until he started asking me about my 'stools'.
(the nightmare of cake, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 16:07, Reply)

Hospital
There was this girl i quite fancied, we we're talking lots and i was hoping it would develop into something better. She rang me up early in the morning to say she'd fallen over and damaged her ankle the night before. She needed to go to casualty to get it checked out.

So i gallantly offered to come over, pick her up and take her casualty. Took her to the hospital, she got an x-ray, found nothing was broken and it would heal over the next couple of weeks.

Getting back to the car, involved me putting my arm around her waist, with her arm over my shoulder so she could hop back. Unfortunately such close body contact with this lovely lady sent things stirring in the groin.

A few days later i got the good friend speech :(
(loquis, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 16:00, Reply)

Visit to GU clinic
Having slept with a very dodgy bird - i had to visit the GU Clinic with drippy dick. Dealt with by a young female doctor who looked like a young Carol Vordeman (forgive me god). Erotic thoughts engulfed me for a fleeting moment right up until the point when she shoved an upside down coctail umbrella into my japs eye.
(noggin, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 15:59, Reply)

dammit
missed the cult one. you missed out. my family are, by thier very nature, cultists, nutters and occultists.

on a more appropriate note, i was once asked ny a sexy as hell young lady to henna a tattoo over most of her body for a festival bash (i'm an illustrator and occasional graff artist so it wasn't a come on... i don't think. although now i'm thinking i may have missed out on something... dammit again!). it took all my will not to perv out as i carressed her with a delicate paintbrush. ah. i am havin teh horn...
(unlawful odour i dunno..., Thu 2 Feb 2006, 15:53, Reply)

Its not strange or unusual..
but this question of the week will be enough for any teenage boy.
(tranmerefan, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 15:41, Reply)

mmmm buses
Not when they're moving along, but when the engine is on and they're waiting at a traffic light or something. The vibrations keep me buzzing for ages!

Cue me looking far too pleased and some old biddy tutting and pointing at me and probably thinking that "its people like me that give ladies a bad name"... bah

I like it, anyway.
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 15:41, Reply)

Squeegee cleavage
Back when I worked as a gas jockey, I had a love/hate relationship with summer weather. So many times I'd find myself staring madly into a woman's cleavage while washing the car windows. I was caught doing it twice, but that turned out to be a good thing - the first lady made it a point to fuel up on my shift and started wearing progressively lower cut shirts, and the second ended up on a date with me.
( Hosehead, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 15:31, Reply)

Superhero Fixation
I have to say that I have always had a thing for Spiderman, when he shoots web and swings his legs up into the air...

And when Batman's cape flaps when he jumps off a building...

I know, I know its wrong...
( Dancingmeerkat, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 15:27, Reply)

I have...
A very fit hairdresser. Who always without fail brushes my shoulder with her crotch. I've never said anything to her about it but damn is it distracting when you're trying to keep still when she's cutting round my ears...
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 2 Feb 2006, 15:24, Reply)

Eating Jelly Babies
Totally weird in a whacked out fetish way, but they're so plump and round and then suddenly they're all smooth and slippy in your mouth....

Ok, I'll stop now. ahem.
(Peelmytangerines, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 15:22, Reply)

Accidentally/Innappropriately Erotic
Rose from Keeping up Appearances! Every time i watched it had strange sensation in the trouser area. Really have no idea why looking back but at the time PPPHHHWWWOOOAAARRRRR

*shudder now im older and wiser*
(Keyser Soze, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 15:18, Reply)

re: not quite on topic...
QUOTE: does this feel a bit like a geeky version of the letters page of Escort or Mayfair?

So it's like reading porn - except that it has some association with lack of social skills.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 15:14, Reply)

Sports Injury Clinic
Back in the days when I could play football rather than just watch it on telly, I was quite injury prone and had the need to attend a Sports Injury Clinic on quite a regular basis.
At the time I lived in a flat and a mate lived below me who was into body building and also attended the same clinic for various muscle complaints.

On the particular visit in question I had been suffering from a problem with my lower back which required me to strip down to my skimpies and receive some painful spine cracking and joint manipulation. Now the lady physio who saw to me was a strange looking thing, but not entirely unattractive, she was like a cross between Uma Thurman and Marty Feldman. She was a very friendly girl who was obviously used to man-handling her patients in sometimes intimate areas.

Due to the location of my injury she had given me a very deep back massage that required the moving of my pants half way down my arsecrack (I was lying face down on the couch at the time). The massage was very pleasant and as well as nearly sending me to sleep, had given me a decent sized semi. I couldn't help it.
As she finished the massage and washed the oil from her hands, she asked me to stand up so she could examine my hips. I paused before I slid off the couch to to my feet trying to think of things to shrink my bouncing semi.

Now, as I got to my feet, pants half down and willy half up, she dropped to her knees and put her arms on my hips gripping my pant elastic, and said to me, "So, how is Mr Muscle downstairs ? I haven't seen him for a while, is he still pumping ?"

In one bizarre moment my cock twitched like it received 10,000 volts, as I was aroused, surprised, shocked, and finally......... dissapointed to realise that she was not refering to my now shrinking with embarassment Love Muscle, but to my muscle-bound neighbour who lived in the flat underneath me.

She pulled my pant elastic back to it's rightful place and told me I could now get dressed.

I have no idea if she was deliberately using double entendres, but I left the surgery red faced, and with a damp patch in my Calvin Kleins.


* My first post after months of lurking in the shadows !
(Hotshot, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 15:06, Reply)

on the busses
I was dropping a car off some way away today so had to mix it with the commoners on the bus for the return journey. I havent been on a bus for about 10 years.
I was sitting there and a girl in the early twenties with a toddler sat on the seat infront of me...I could swear the seats are closer spaced than they used to be....she was right there infront of me and she smelt lovely...and she had really soft-looking long hair...it was all I could do to stop myself running my fingers through it...and her ears looked so beautifully soft....and the bus was struggling up a long hill and vibrating lots......and I got a hard-on and it all suddenly seemed very inappropriate as I must have looked like a right perv getting his jollies on the bus.
(dave likes cheese, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 14:59, Reply)

Princess Calla from the Gummi Bears
Curiously, as this almost certainly goes back to a time before I was familiar with the joys of masturbation, I remember really having the horn for her which, given that she's a cartoon character, was always going to be a doomed relationship. I haven't thought about this for years:

Lots of pics of Calla
( Olembe Refuses to write in this space, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 14:56, Reply)

First Aid Course o' Woe
Here's a handy hint:

Mid-afternoon boredom is a terrible thing. Thussly, it is neither big nor clever to get a lob-on on the first day of a week-long first aid course, particularly when your instructor is wearing a far-too-tight nurse's uniform, which your somewhat drowsy attention has settled on following a liquid lunch.

It is also best to make sure you attend this course wearing ...um... robust trousers, and not that pair of jeans with the dodgy fly that comes undone at the drop of a nurse's hat. This advice will save you from one thing: woe.

This kind of woe to be precise: The woe that comes from at least four days of ribbing from said instructor, when, after a triumphant go on the Resusci-Anne doll you stand in front of the entire class, your manly bulge is proudly on display.

"For a small fee", she said, "I'll let you take her home tonight."

Woe, indeed.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 14:55, Reply)