Watching girls putting on makeup
Is it just me who gets the raging horn from watching girls apply their slap? Every Friday night on the Tube home there are always a few young student nurses preparing for their night out, and it causes me *tremendous* trouseral issues.
(The Moai, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 12:38, Reply)

Pigeons
It should have been an intimate moment, but only in the sense that it should have been private and personal. Arousal should never have occurred on the part of either of us given the circumstances.

I whispered goodbye in her ear. I was now at ease with the fact that the time had come for us to part. But something inside me would not allow me to let go. It felt as though a brace of tiny, atomic pigeon's eggs had been laid in the depths of my stomach and were now hatching. And the hatchlings, before they had even emerged fully from their respective ova, were battling for avian supremacy over this secondary womb, hurling bile at one another and clawing at my stomach lining in their desperation.

I looked upon her face. She was beautiful. I began sobbing as I kissed her thin lips passionately, grasping as much of her clothed breastflesh in my hand as I could, for I knew that this was the last time I would have the opportunity to do so.

Men in suits lunged to pull me away and they did this in earnest, but not before I had produced my desperate member from beneath my sad black trousers, and it twitched as though holding back tears of its own.

The vicar stepped forward mournfully as though he had witnessed this sorry scene too many times before. He shook his head before bidding the men to close the coffin. And so they did, and that was the last time anyone laid eyes on my dear grandmother.

That night I remained in my room. I wept until dawn. So did my penis.
(stusut79, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 12:35, Reply)

Not really inappropriate
But women who get breathless whilst arguing. There's just something about the heaving bosom of an angry, angry lady that does it to me. It's not very inappropriate though- not like I have to rush over and hump their leg anyway.

On another note, what is inappropriate is that my landlord (32 years of age) thinks the girl who plays 'Stacey' in that Stacey's mom video is much, much hotter and far more do-able than Rachel Hunter. fair point- gorgeous kid. Gorgeous 12 year old kid. He's aware he's a wrong'un though.

Oh, and looking in people's bedroom windows on the bus home. There's always somebody getting changed into their skivvies. And before anybody hassles me over it:

1. Net curtains are suprisingly see-through when you turn the light on.

2. Top decks of buses are in line with your bedroom window.

3. Of course we're going to fucking look, you tart.



My post work thrill that is. That and the joint/coffee/malcolm in the middle ritual.

I think I'm not going to apologise for volume this time. I heartily do not apologise for my volume.

EDIT- almost forgot one of the best things ever. Lurtz, Lord of the Rings trilogy. He makes me feel things in my womanly area.[anybody who says 'the kitchen?' shall be rubbed all over with sandpaper and anal sweat]

www.tlotr.com/film_pictures/character_pics/lurtz_saruman_chez.jpg
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 12:32, Reply)

Saks
My sister is the trainer for a Saks salon near where i live, so the place is usually full of stunning young girls learning the trade.

Anyway. These trainees are typically given the crap job of hair washing.
So i turn up, get the gown thing on and sit back, turn on the chair massage waiting for my head to be mashed. But no! up steps this sweet young thing who procedures to give me the most sensual hair washing ever. No talking or anything, i just sat there with a slight grin thinking good thoughts.
Thankfully those gowns are quite long.
(Fishbone-didi, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 12:22, Reply)

One more...
The Brian Peppers Song. Just listening to it (definitely not looking at his pumpkin face).

The chap singing it has quite a nice asexual voice and when he gets to the part that goes 'Doesn't care how old you are, he'll touch you' it just sounds so warm and all-encompassing, like someone has set the scud ads at the back of men's mags to music.

I need love.
(oranguturn, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 12:19, Reply)

Turned me on she did
Princess

Battle of the Planets

www.bbc.co.uk/cult/classic/battle/gallery/princess2.shtml

get my drift!
(Dirtyleeds, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 12:15, Reply)

Probably not the right time
Mrs Rabbits was about six hours into labour when we were asked if a student midwife could join the delivery team. Not a problem, we said. Only it turned out that said student was a 21 year old blonde nurse from Germany. Seeing this young lady with several fingers probing Mrs Rabbits front bottom and whispering 'Is that ok, jah?' created some troubling feelings deep within me.

In an act of faith I did confess such feelings at a later date to Mrs Rabbits. We have had no more children since.
(tell me about the rabbits, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 12:13, Reply)

Last one. I hope.
(Funny, I normally don't post much on QOTW because it's such poor form if you don't actually have a relevant tale, but for some reason this topic has struck a chord).

Does anyone remember ages ago B3ta linked to this geek-sex photoshopping site that had loads of pictures of Scully from the X-Files being bummed by tentacles?

Bingo.

A mate admitted to finding it sexy and I tormented him for months over it, bringing it up in front of women he was attempting to pull and so on. Hypocrisy? Never.
(oranguturn, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 12:05, Reply)

Oh, also...
I once dreamt I was molested by a really old man in the local library, I think he was the caretaker or something... anyway I woke up right on the edge.
(oranguturn, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 11:58, Reply)

No contest...
'The Good Life', starring Richard Briers, Felicity Kendal, Penelope Keith and Paul Eddington.

Thank you BBC.
(oranguturn, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 11:57, Reply)

the lovely debbie macgee....
being quite literally done doggy style by a massive alsatian...gave me the raging horn
(lincolnsmithvstheblackprince I'm up to my knees in lionel here, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 11:57, Reply)

MDMA, Sex and Viagra!
I am still embarrassed by this story but fuck it.

As some of you are probably aware MDMA can be a rather unpredictable drug when it comes to sex, I have found my experiences whilst under the influence normally fall within 3 categories:

1. A mind blowing all night sexathon.

2. A somewhat labour intensive strive for an unobtainable goal. (Great sex but total inability to cum)

3. The dreaded Mr. Flop!

Luckily number 3 is pretty rare and I find you can always more than make up for it the following morning. However, if you are with someone new, are out to impress and know you have to leave early, waiting until the next morning is something you would understandably rather not do given the choice, that being the infamous Viagra!

I was given a few of these a while back by a gay couple I met (don’t ask), I tucked them into my wallet and forgot all about them, until one night.

It had been a heavy one, a friend’s birthday followed by an all night mash-up in London and we where all fair beyond gone, somehow I ended up hooking up with this rather nice Spanish girl, I could not believe my luck! One thing led to another and before I knew it (literally) we where back at hers and things where getting pretty hot. Details are a little sketchy here but I remember things starting off pretty well then taking an unexpected landslide, I excused myself and necked my first ever Viagra...

To cut a long story short, it worked better then expected and I had a wicked night but what I hadn’t counted on was the after effects! The next day was one of the most embarrassing days of my life, everything was giving me a hard-on… EVERYTHING! Middle aged mums in with blotchy legs, ugly overweight women in tracksuits, 14 year old girls, it was so very very wrong!!!!

Unfortunately this would have all been fine if all I had to do that day was get home and hide until the stuff wears off but oh no I only had to get suited up as I had a fucking wedding to go to!!!

Something’s are best left unsaid but unfortunately I was VERY pleased to see quite a few people that night!
(Minty Hit, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 11:35, Reply)

Oxford interview
I was convinced by my school to go to Oxford on an open day to see if I could get into the PPE course at Jesus College. When I got there, there were about 12 of us sat in the professor's office, all quite nervous and shy, and he was going around the group asking us questions that would indicate whether or not we were Oxford material. About 5 minutes in there was a knock at the door and this gorgeous young lady walked in, apologising for being late. As there were no chairs left the professor found a small stool from behind his desk and passed it to her, and she sat down opposite me. She was wearing a long skirt that split up the front and from my vantage point, I had a perfect view of her lovely lacy white knickers. I couldn't help myself but look. A few minutes later I became aware that the room had gone silent, and the reason for this was because the professor had just asked me a question. After much stammering I admitted that I had no idea what he had just asked me. Suffice to say I ended up going to the University of Leicester.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 11:34, Reply)

haylp meh!
penelope pitstop.

Nuff said.
(Milkmelikeacow, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 11:20, Reply)

ThatBlokeOverThere
Jesus bloody christ man!

I was reading from top to bottom and thought you got the horn over Baron Greenback!

Now Penfold I could understand....

Bugger, already used my best hard on story.

www.b3ta.com/questions/misunderstood/post41206/

Need time to ponder...
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Fri 3 Feb 2006, 11:19, Reply)

I once got hard in a poetry reading thingymibob
In high school my girlfriend was the head of technology's daughter who was a nutter. But she was very kinky, we went on a school trip to a poetry reading thing for English GCSE, never fond of the underlying meanings and so my girlfriend seemed was she, so she started to give me a hand job whilst I probed her nether regions, it all got steamy and we started kissing, then a teacher spotted us and said something along the lines of 'oi you two' she now had her hand down my pants and mine up her skirt, it was murder trying to get them out without the teachers or our mates seeing when the lights came up.
(PieEater, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 11:19, Reply)

Erotic
Watching Centre Parks adverts- you know- sexy milfs seductively walking thru steamy domes gettin all wet in pools- i find pools/water very sexy btw- had a few groinal movements thinking bout that i can tell you!
(Keyser Soze, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 11:07, Reply)

Physics boner...
So I’m in a Year (?) physics lesson at school and we've all moved our stools into the middle of the room whilst the teacher demonstrates an experiment. He's trying to explain moments and work = force x distance stuff. To further illustrate the point he asks for a volunteer to push the classroom door at various distances from the hinge.

Now no-one volunteers, and I certainly didn't because for some unknown reason (I put it down to puberty) I’m sitting there trying to cover the most inappropriate boner I’ve ever had. This leaves the teacher to "pick on someone" as he puts it... I’ve never felt so damn nervous in my life as he scans the classroom. Fortunately I was safe as he picked on a fellow classmate instead.

12 years on and I’m half way through a PhD in Physics, though it still doesn’t have the same effect as it seemed to back then!
(The Duke of Pontefract, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 11:02, Reply)

i produce wallapers for moble phones for a living
and i thought i had problems with the occasional bikini girl '30 second semi' (all it takes to resize the images. i'm not that quick)... till the video editor started to edit 'erotic video ringtones'.

he often works from home now :)
(unlawful odour i dunno..., Fri 3 Feb 2006, 10:55, Reply)

Childrens TV
Does anyone find Kim Possible really hot?



No? Er, me neither. Ahem.
(Throbbe, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 10:54, Reply)

Stiffys
I get them all over... mainly on Buses - whats all that about!?!?! THEN getting off the bus, when it's full, you're waiting to alight, lots of people sat near the front, eyes are crotch level....

And hair dressers... leaning over you, boobies in the face, crotch pressed against your elbow - and thats just the blokes :S
(TheManofScience, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 10:33, Reply)

*smugness*
I'd firstly like to say how glad I am that I'm a girl and don't have to worry about all these terrible penis-related embarassing moments, serious pity from me guys!

If anyone whispers at me, for any reason whatsover, in any situation whatsoever.... I don't know what it is, but I'm instantly in erotic mode. Oh dear.
(jaffafairy, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 10:24, Reply)

The Lovely Debbie McGee
Being sawn in half on the Paul Daniels Magic Show. Not even the presence of the diminutive sorcerer was enough to curb my 6 year old pant-based yearning.

I'm wrong.
(Newton Crosby, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 10:16, Reply)

Anneka Rice.....
I was young, maybe 5 or 6 (i think, i'm 19 now, so how long ago was Challenge Anneka on?).
Needless to say, in my pre-pubescent state, i wasn't sure what was going on... But she was damn fit... And those litle lycra shorts and tops she wore? (you gotta love the 90's).
Length? Girth? Not a lot at the time.
(Black_Dwarf frawD_kcalB, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 10:09, Reply)

Just Remembered Why I hated Phys-Ed
I hated phys-ed in high school. Lots of accidentals there, but the taker is this:

We're doing our routine stretches: our teacher, a very attractive woman, is directly in front of me doing push-ups, and I can see right down her shirt.

Cue horrible un-hideable stiffy due to those damn gym shorts. To make matters even worse, the stretch I was doing caused me to let out a massive fart which reverberated off the walls of the gymnasium, thus attracting the attention of the entire class.
( Hosehead, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 9:52, Reply)

dammit...
when i was working in a pub a few years ago,

they used to have a policy of employing a large amount of women in glass collecting/usual bar work shiz.

trouble is im a large bloke (not fat im 6 foot 5 with spiky hair) and it always seemed as if whenever i took a load of glasses back to be cleaned girls would be forever brushing past me ass first, or pushing me out of the way, grabbing my arse.

needless to say wearing a nice pair of fitted trousers and trying to hide my man snake didnt really work.

(*untill i shagged a couple of them in the glass collecting area SCORE!!!!)

im a diry bastard
(konigsred, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 9:45, Reply)

At The Dentist
I had to go to a dental surgery a while back when I lived down south, and ended up with quite a bit of repair work being needed as being a wimp, had left things a bit too long in the first place.

Being one of the last NHS dentist patients in the UK meant that you usually ended up with the new or probabtionary dentist, who tended to stay 6 months then move on, so when I was told that they had a new dentist in, it was no surprise.
Thing was this particular young lady was rather attractive.

Stunningly attractive.

The sort of attractive depicted in carry on films by geezers cycling into hedges etc.

You get the picture.

She had me booked in for some serious root canal work.

Those into BDSM would have appreciated the combination of young lady, breasts brushing the top of your head, and some serious machining being inflicted in your gob.

I found it rather confusing with both sides of the argument being fought in my head

Breasts won
(Sir Tainley Barking Ezekiel 23:20, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 9:38, Reply)

Reading Baron Greenback's post...
...'Bone of Contention' - hehehe quality :D

Sadly, I've nothing more to add - I never get wood (whoa, let me finish before you start jumping to conclusions) that I'm not expecting or couldn't be deemed as understandable, though in some cases said understanding requires another gay bloke. Or a girl :)
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 9:38, Reply)