Anonymous girl in St Ives
I remember once on holiday in St Ives - they have these signs up along the sea front "DO NOT FEED THE SEAGULLS" and loads of seagulls with attitude who will happily divebomb-raid people with food.

Cue this girl, she couldn't have been more than 10 or 11, on her way home from school with her tennis racket and an ice cream she's bought. This huge seagull flies down, snatches the ice cream out of her hand and lands on the sea wall fence to eat it.

The girl stared at it for a few seconds, then took her tennis racket, walked up to the thing and SMACKED it as hard as she could. It so wasn't expecting that, it barely managed to spread its wings before it hit the water, some thirty odd feet away.

Game, Set and Match!
(Snitter the Rat, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 13:40, Reply)

Horse Snot
When I was young and naive someone once told me that the best way to befriend horses was to breath up their nostrils.

I believed them. So, there was this great big stallion which had a reputation for kicking people, and I didn't want to be kicked, so I thought I'd make friends. I walked up to it, grabbed its head and blew firmly up its nostrils.

The horse looked most surprised for all of a second, and then SNEEZED explosively, and I can tell you, a horses nose, being rather big, can hold a LOT of snot.

Needless to say, after that covering I've not tried breathing up a horses nostrils since...
(Snitter the Rat, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 13:21, Reply)

my friends guinea pig once bit me on the knuckle
i got bitten in the hand by a horse
finally, while my granddad was looking after my cat (mittens, who is black with white feet), he was sleeping in the nude and mittens jumped up onto the bed and bit him on the bum. thats it for me
( ed.ge is drunk again in the rhododendrons, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 12:40, Reply)

Not really being attacked by an animal,
but a friend and I were walking through the city centre, and as usual the pigeons were pecking around for scraps of food. We started talking about how the pigeons always moved out of the way as you approached, even if they were facing the other way.

To prove this was the case, my friend said "They always see you coming, watch this.", calmly walked up to the nearest pigeon, brought his leg back and kicked it squarely a full 10 yards across the street.

Passers by were stunned. So was I, I would have put money on the pigeon moving out of the way.
( Druid, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 12:14, Reply)

just curious
Has anyone actually met someone who has had there arm broken by a swan....?
(Four String Demon, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 12:02, Reply)

GlastoWasp
At last year's Glastonbury, you may recall, the English National Opera came along to perform Wagner's Ring Cycle on the Sunday morning.

Fittingly, I had thought to bring along a plastic Brunhilde helmet (you know, conical helmet, horns, blonde pigtails down either side). Suitably attired, we sallied forth, with a quick detour into the urinals to drain off some of that excess cider.

Cue rather large wasp flying straight up into helmet in mid-slash, resulting in drug-fuelled panic attack and running out into the public area with todger in hand, still be-helmeted and swinging around like a Whirling Dervish. Oh, how they laughed.
(LondonYank, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 11:30, Reply)

animals attack...

My mate tim and I were fucking about on the Britneys cataphone abomination one day when his bastard cat caught wind of the noise and decided to investigate. Anyway during a particlarly grating cat noise its ear pricked up. So we played it ad nauseam until its ire was raised to such incredible heights it leapt at the monitor, destroyed the mouse and keyboard then disappeared out a window. It returned seven days later. We fucking hate that cat.
(unscripted.ai, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 8:59, Reply)

Pheasant
There was this pheasant who claimed everything in the Santa Rita Mountains of Arizona as its territory. I was tending equipment there, and the stupid pheasant pecked at my legs every time I turned my back. I did my best to kick it, but it would just jump on my shoe, ride it up and down like an amusement park ride, get even madder and attack me more. I'd hide in the pickup truck, and the pheasant leaped up and strutted around on the hood. That's why there are no Apaches there anymore: nothing is more relentless than a pheasant.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 8:29, Reply)

Piss Break II
Driving home one sunny summer's day, I felt the call of nature. The road I was on has plenty of thick bushes for cover, so I decided to relieve myself there. I walked a couple metres into the scrub, bushing spider-web out of the way, opened up and let nature take its course.
A few minutes down the road, an incrediblty sharp stinging, burning sensation tore through my old fella; the shock causing me to brake hard and skid off the road, narrowly avoiding all sorts of vehicles. Panic mad, I tryed to open my jeans to remove the fucking spider and inspect the damage, but my jeans proved too difficult to navigate sitting down. In desparation, I jumped out of the car, pulled my jeans and undies to capture the son of a bitch. It was then that I spotted the group of well-meaning people who pulled over when I skidded off the road...
Long story short, the spider turned out to be non-lethal, I am yet to receive any court summons for indescent exposure and the spider suffered a slow and lingering death.
(me like pie, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 4:10, Reply)

Piss Break
My mom, brother and I were driving up north to see my grand parents. My brother really had to take a piss. So my mom stopped in the middle of buttfuck nowhere (aka Northern Ontario). He got out and did what had to be done, with in seconds he was attacked my billions of hungry mosquitoes that have never smelt human flesh. All of his exposed skin intantly turned black with the bastards. He danced about, while still pissing of course. Evetually, he couldn't take it, jumped in the car (while piss was all over his shorts and legs). My mom and i had a good laugh. BTW: While I wrote this a shitty band just did some Coldplay cover down the street...Goddamn Highschool Hippies
(Dauber, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 3:51, Reply)

Cats - who'd have thunk it?
I was on my way home from somewhere one day when I saw a cat in the road (I was about 11). I went over to stroke it - we all know how great kittens are - and it lept up and stratched by hand! The little bastard. I ran home crying with bloody dripping from a lovely wound.

Bloody cats. They're evil I tell you.
(Rocksteady is intrigued, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 3:13, Reply)

All i did was stand up!
I had been visting my current g/f's mothers house and to keep there resident Dogs from attacting me in the doorway they locked them in the kitchen.

Once i had sat down they let the dogs in, they were fine with me, me and me g/f watched some TV all was fine.

Then i got up to use the toilet at which point the 5 Dogs in the room forget who i am. Procede 3 of the biggest dogs jumping on me barking then to cap it me doing the most cartoony slip backwards on the wooden polished floor and knocking me self out for 10 minutes.

Brilliant way to meet the the prospective parents eh?
(orionsbuckle, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 2:42, Reply)

Swan
Interesting to note that though swans are the Queen's property, the royal family used to use their necks to wipe their royal arses. Anyway, i digress.
Went canoeing in school during games; perfectly normal games session on the water, only there was this fecking swan attacking every canoe in order to protect its nest which was hidden in a nearby bank of reeds. Anyway it's my turn to get in, and the knobber of a teacher put me in a K1 - standing for stupid fucking kayak thing that you can't stay upright in. So, predictably enough, i fell in. Not to fear, i thought, i'm far off the bank of reeds, i can get to the side by then. Oh river ouse, thou tretcherous bastard. I drifted swiftly right over to said bank of reeds, with the swan closing in on my location. I knew a swift getaway was necessary, only that's a bit hard to accomplish with a canoe in one hand and a double bladed paddle in tother. I turned my head to see it not two metres away from me, flapping furiously. At this point two thoughts occured to me - 1) "those wings could break your arm. Only your head is at flapping height." and 2) "why aren't you panicking?" so i decided to panic to try and get away quicker. Soon realised it didn't make me go any faster. Put canoe between myself and swan, made for the bank while trying to keep it from clambering over said canoe. Jolly bastards, those swans.

Scuse tedium.

EDIT: oh, and a ferret. Staying round my friend's house, drunk on nasty nasty cheapwine, sharing the floor with his pet ferret who sleeps in a suitcase. Awoken at 5am by something gently nuzzling/chewing on my nose. Awoke bemused and slightly started. Little beggar looked at me as if to say "oh, you're awake then?", licked my elbow and then went back to sleep in his cosy suitcase. Adorable wanker.
(cap'nj, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 2:10, Reply)

Demon cat
On a trip down to Newquay with the lads we got seperated from the one guy who had the directions for the camp site (bastard put his foot down on the motorway and left us, revenge was taken later but that's another story).
Anyway, one of the group said that his sister went to uni there and lived a few miles down the road, so we could crash on her floor for the night. We arrive at the house where we meet his sister and the cat from the planet Evilcunt. It hissed at me as soon as I walked through the door and just watched me from the windowsill making that horrible growling noise.
After a couple of hours drinking large amounts of very cheap cider everyone starts to drop. This was when the first attack happened. I felt something touch my toe followed by a claw trying to remove the flesh from the bone. Cue a hefty kick to the moggy bastard.
About half hour later I'm just drifting off and a vengeful moggy bastard leaps at the net curtain behind me, swings on it and digs the claws into my head. ALL FOUR SETS OF CLAWS INTO MY FUCKING HEAD!!! It then starts to climb the curtain to get away so I punch it. Cat goes flying and takes off around the room like a demonic wall of death spreading terror in it's wake. The sister wakes up and has a go for assaulting her cat and demanding to know who picked her pot plant clean. I have to sleep in the car but at least I had a joint to go with it :)
My mate trod on it on his way out and it took a chunk out of his leg so he kicked it up the arse destroying any chance of staying there again. As we left I swear the bastard was smirking at us, evil little shit.

Apologies for length and girth, but with practice and patience you can take it all
(boltneck sacrificed a smurf to Cthulhu on, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 2:06, Reply)

cows and horses
I always get chased by them. Most recently on the way to a party, I started walking up a field with my bike. There was a herd of cows at the top, so I thought i'd get away with maybe 1 or 2 chasing me.

200 metres up the path, the whole fucking herd starts walking towards me quickly, and realising it's too late to run I had to walk backwards the whole way with my bike in front of me... as some means of protection. Then when i'd got safely past the gate I walked back in to test them, and they all ran off!
(Angry Pierre likes his Guinness, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 1:56, Reply)

.
i was attacked by goatse.
(Ginonix, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 1:35, Reply)

well....
my brother's dog,my dog,my brother's turtle (don't ask),our rabbits,our guinea pigs,a shitload of ants,2 spiders,a horse (it stepped on my foot) and both our cats.

edit:I'm also rather ashamed to say that i had fleas for 2 weeks...I was going to wear a flea collar on my ankle,but we decided that that might not be a good idea.
(That guy with a hat., Sat 4 Jun 2005, 0:10, Reply)

I was bitten by an angel fish once.
...God damn my life is uneventful.
(Catfish Ma, why can't I draw? "Because you have fins dear", Fri 3 Jun 2005, 23:56, Reply)

Can bees fart?
just curious...
(Gat Bandish I've got wood in my soul, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 23:50, Reply)

I got bit by an otter once.
I stuck my foot through a small hole in the fencing at the zoo as a kid, and the little fucker bit me. I started crying, and then trying to hit it with a stick I'd found nearby, but it just sat across the cage from me, taunting me with its Otter taunts...
( PMGT -Bacon., Fri 3 Jun 2005, 23:26, Reply)

I was knocked into an electric barbed wire fence when I was about 10 by a Shetland pony. Two months later the bloody mare gave birth to a little foal. That'll teach me for prodding animals.
( Smokey Bacon Crisps smell good, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 22:55, Reply)

Just a dog . .
I was taking a casual walk into town when all of a sudden a small jack russell sprang for my leg, and inevitably, started humping it. Being so shocked by the beast I kicked it . . . hard. So hard infact that it flew into the main road and was consequently hit by a passing bus.

I ran - yes I'm a terrible coward.
( Fluffy elephants, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 22:42, Reply)

I was also charged by trumpet swans at the Eiffle Tower.
Much less painful, but equally terrifying.
(Boxer_Babee, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 22:30, Reply)

What's the Buzz?
Whilts on a family camping trip in the woods, my sister (aged 8) and me (aged 4) along with two kids from a neighboring site decided to hike along a little trail behind our camp lots. The other two kids led the way with my sis and finally me following behind. The leader of our expedition kicked an object only to realize it was a hornets nest. Everyone, except me, scrambled and ran away. I decided to do what my parents had always taught: When you're in trouble stay put. So I did. I plopped my bottom strait down to await help, not realized I had landed plumb on the now very angry hornets nest. The blood curdling screams of "BEE! BEE!" sent the adults racing to my rescue. By the time they got me back to saftey, I'd been stung hundreds of times and was covered in dead bees...matted in my hair...in my socks...up my pant legs...in my underwear...Unfortunately, my family did not document the event with pictures, but they assure me I puffed up like Violet Beauregard.
(Boxer_Babee, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 22:27, Reply)

The Rat of Zorro
My flatmate keeps his pet rat in a fish tank about 5 feet from his bed on top of a chest of drawers. While my flatmate lies in bed 'reading' (so he tells us) the rat leaps for the Scotland flag pinned to the wall, swings on it like some swashbuckling hero and lands face to face with my flatmate.

So it's not really an attack, but an acting career in a future Three Musketeers remake surely awaits.
(Cosmopolitan Steve You've got Guinness on your face., Fri 3 Jun 2005, 22:02, Reply)

I was once petting a goat and it started to nibble my glove
I thought this was quite cute, and so I let it do so, until it bit right into my fucking hand and proceeded to actually eat the glove.

I still don't like goats, and I'm not four any more.
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 21:51, Reply)

Teh Crazy Lizard
Many moons ago, whilst on holiday with my family my younger brother found and captured a rather large lizard in a lunchbox. He then filled the lunchbox with various meats, so the lizard had stuff to eat on the plane home (yes he was trying to smuggle a live lizard in a luchbox). So waiting at the airport my mother finds said luchbox and opens it, presuming it would contain food. Upon opening the box out leaps one fucking angry lizard straight on to my mothers face. Me and my father laugh so hard we nearly pass out, my brother shits himself and my mother falls off her chair and the lizard runs off never to be seen again.
(Hello Coco?, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 21:41, Reply)

My 10-year old sister...
Likes animals. To the extent that she won't even let our cats have what they catch. One day one of the cats was tormenting a mouse, and Rebecca boldly steps out and picks up said cat. Said mouse runs up trouser leg. These are fairly thin, tight trousers, and I can actually see this little lump running up and down her leg. She did a little spaz-dance. It was funny.

On holiday in Italy, we came upon a nest of rather large ants. Rebecca treads on this nest. Said ants climb sandalled foot, ascend legs. Cue another delightful spaz-dance. Yay.
(Mr_Jums, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 20:35, Reply)

Wasps 'O Death!
When I were a kid, I remember clearly - The day my young sister and cousin burst into the house crying and screaming after apparently being stung by an angry wasp. My brother and I were all too eager to smite the wasp and it's lair into dust as we donned protective clothing in order to do battle with this awesome foe - Vengence was called for!

Ski goggles. Check. Thick coat. Check. Tennis racquet. Check. Underarm spray. Check. Lighter. check.

Cue the journey into the garden to the small hole at the base of the fence.
Cue the spraying of the Aerosol and the lighting of the spray into a raging wasp vapourising fireball.
Cue ten zillion burning, severly pissed off wasps all intent on ending their days making both my brother and I into sting pies.

And the worse thing was I had long hair at the time - I can still vividly remember those black and yellow demons crawling on my scalp and stinging wildly while I beat MY OWN head with a tennis racket.

The horror....

('Pologies for length.)
(ThatFineLine, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 20:21, Reply)

Gran on the farm
This was back in the 40s, when farm girls still wore dresses to do hard labor. My grandmother went behind the silo, her favorite cat in tow. Opening the door, she surprised a rat which promptly ran up her stocking and into her dress. The cat followed. Much wailing and gnashing to teeth and claws.

Yikes.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 20:14, Reply)