my friend works in Mc donalds
and he couldnt be bthered to work one night so he told his manager that he got hit by a car. kind of back fired tho when they had a whip round and brought him a big card and a present. the cunt
(fwack bang on it, Sun 11 Jun 2006, 23:07, Reply)

Not me but...
...a girl I work with. She's a health nut, but she comes down with some frightening stuff.

I was walking the last stretch to the office as usual one morning when the girl passes me coming the other way and says hello. She starts half an hour before me and was obviously leaving early, so I asked if she was okay. Conversation went like this:

Her: Tell me, have you had mumps before?
NOTE - A male of my age group contracting mumps for the first time puts the function of his nadders at some risk.
Me: [taking a visible step back and almost cupping them right there in the street] Nope, and glad of it. Why?
Her: You better stay away from me then. Just showed my doctor's note to HR and they all but shoved me out of the door.
Me: Way ahead of you. Er, get well soon then. Better get going.

I can only imagine the scene I'd just missed - 'You've got WHAT? Why are you here? Go! Now!'

So, not me, not a sickie in the dodgy fake sense and not that fertility means much to me personally anyway, but still... me nadders were in jeopardy :|
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Sun 11 Jun 2006, 22:47, Reply)

coughs
"i can't [cough cough] come into work today [cough] i'm ill"

"whats wrong, sore throat?"

"no, actually i'm [cough] claiming to have a headache but i don't [cough cough] know how to make it sound like that over the phone"


oh and i once forgot to go into work one week. didnt have anything to do, just sat about completely oblivious to the fact that i should be going out and earning money for survival. can't remember what reminded me to go back.
(unciebana It's good, but it's not right., Sun 11 Jun 2006, 22:13, Reply)

I invented a job once
so my doctor wouldn't sign me off sick. He had the last laugh though. He had given me AIDS in my bottom. Again.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Sun 11 Jun 2006, 22:11, Reply)

Football
I was meant to go to the world cup but I'm an overpaid primadonna so I said I broke my metatarsal.

/lurk

Note: Yes, I hate football.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Sun 11 Jun 2006, 22:10, Reply)

Well
I pulled a sickie because the bastards didn't let me take a weekend off on holiday for a Geology trip. Something about too busy to lose me. Well, when I rang up with food poisoning they didn't have much choice, did they?
(Steg isn't drunk enough yet., Sun 11 Jun 2006, 21:06, Reply)

Another good excuse
I have used is "Family Emergency". It works every time.

I have also run out of excuses one time and so i told work that I woke up blind!!! strangly it worked a treat with no questions asked.
( Aenesis, Sun 11 Jun 2006, 20:02, Reply)

So guilty...
I used to work in a call centre last year, before i packed it all in to become a holiday rep.
Best has to be, one friday morning after being on the razz alllllllllllllll night i was sick all morning so i phoned in and told my work i had food poisoning. My mum blamed the lasange i had eat the night before (she was not aware of the assult my liver had partaken) so she went flying down to the local asda and kicked up a fuss. In the ended my mum kicked of so much they gave me compensation. All was well until the next week when my mum was at my aunts and my cousin let it slip my "food poisoning" was actually me consuiming an entire bottle of jack daniels straight. I felt right bad.

Other sicky iv pulled was when iw orked in a bar and i wanted to go out on a saturday night with my m8s so i phoned my boss and told her i had sprayed perfume in my eye and wa sin my way to A and E. It would have been ok, if i ahdnt got so ratarsed and ended up forgetting i ad phoned in sick and went into the pub. P45, straight away.
(StrangeKristine, Sun 11 Jun 2006, 19:43, Reply)

I got Wednesday afternoons off school
for about 2 years.

I skipped games because of my "cruciate ligament injury."
( NinjaBadger hides in the bushes and gives you TB., Sun 11 Jun 2006, 17:32, Reply)

Engineers
the people who i work with are complete and utter b*stards when it comes to being ill...legitimate or not, every time its "ooo, hes laying groundbait, that sounds like a week off!"
so you always feel like a twunt being ill anyway! and the management "no, thats fine" approach makes you feel even worse!
(The Mike, Sun 11 Jun 2006, 17:05, Reply)

A true story
Once I called out sick, and told the boss it was because of a pimple on my nose.
(Drunkendragon, Sun 11 Jun 2006, 15:16, Reply)

Poo related
I'm currently in Australia, having a lovely time. I have recently found myself a job, wandering the streets of sydney offering Energy Australia customers discounts on their bills providing they sign up for three more years.
On my 4th day i awoke feeling slightly dodgy and was tempted to ring in sick but decided i shouldn't having only just started.
I had just spoke to my second customer a Vietnamese lady who i wooed with my knowledge of the vietnamese language, she signed up of course earning me some commision, good stuff, good start to the day.
I wander a little further and think ooooo i need to have a poo.I has a look at my map, and see there is a park about 10 minutes away, i'll aim for there, parks always have public toilets.
1 Minute into my walk, i thinks ooooooooooo this dosn't feel to good, i'm going to have to get a move on, so i start a harold bishop paced power walk, ooooooooo this isn't good my power walk is shifting the poo closer to my sphincter, i'll walk slower and think about other things.
BAM my stomach explodes filling my boxer shorts with cack,oooooooo bloody hell i'm thinking, i'm in the middle of no where, i've pooed myself and i'm about 5 minutes away to the park. I open my backpack, yes yes i have some tissues, i stand in the middle of the street, carefully placing tissues down my crevace trying to create a blockage so the faeces cannot dribble down ones leg. Now what do i do?! I spot in the distance a man with his garage open, i waddle up with hand placed on buttocks, 'hello there, bit of an odd request can i use your toilet,' praise the lord he said yes. I step inside where his stunning wife is, hello i say, he says to her 'i think he's had a little bit of an accident'.
I clean myself up, i remove the bum fudge from my cheeks.
I stick my pants in my backpack and i get the hell out of there. My pants now live in a bin in Botany Bay.
The story does not end there-
I obviously decided i wasn't going to continue with my day, mainly as i smelt a bit.
Anyway, i got the bus back to the city, then a train back to my girlfriends house, yes i hear you cry finally he has a toilet to deposit his bowels in.
No ladies and gentleman i didn't, i had no key, and no one was home. Never fear there is a spare key in the garage, so i ring the wench to ask for its whereabouts, she doesn't answer----------i hear a rumbling in the turd factory------- i ring again, no answer--------again, no answer.
So rather than Shit my trousers (due to the lack of pants), i decided i would excrete in a flower pot and wait until i could get in the house.
The moral of the story is do ring in sick.
I know it's long, but it's my first time and i don't know what to do with it.
(bobthebluenose, Sun 11 Jun 2006, 14:39, Reply)

Brief
I worked for british gas and it was shit.
I decided at dinner time i wanted to go home.
I told my manager i had diarrhea.
He told me to prove it.
I asked if he'd like me to shit in his hand.
I was sacked the next month for some vague commitment nonsense.
The End.
( Shiodome has realised numbers in names aren't cool., Sun 11 Jun 2006, 14:34, Reply)

Not exactly a sickie, but involving plenty of sick
So, there we found ourselves in the week of freedom following exams, in my corridor of Penbryn Hall of Residence, Aberystwyth University. What did we do? We did what all students do when facing free time. Though I can't remember, I'm told that upon returning to our communal kitchen from the union that night I began necking whisky from the bottle.

Y'know when you wake up with the kinda hangover you KNOW is going to be bad? I think the thing that gave it away for me was the way I passed out when going over to my sink to get some water. Its wierd to blink then find you're looking at the ceiling with a (suddenly much worse) headache.

So, its always bad when you need to exert some kind of effort when hung over, and there are plenty of stories about how terrible work is while afflicted...Well beat this:



I climbed a fucking mountain.

Cader Idris: Second highest point of Wales, a particularly high country and something we'd decided to do with an idle day earlier that week. I'd wanted to do it, and decided the hangover would break before too long and that I could bear it like a man.

Yeah, so I'm a sodding idiot.

The journey there didn't help. Small, winding roads taken at high speed by an aggresive Cornish driver. I believe I may have set some kind've world record, "fastest vomit ever" at 60 mph. Apparently my preparation was very grim - Face changes colour, glasses off, window down, blech. A moment which has been likened to the armament scene from The Iliad. What helped even less was "Nice" James leaning out of the passenger seat window cheering while my sick splattered off the car. Thanks, you bastard.

Still, got 'em back...I found the large gob of snot/vomit stuck to the rear lights hilarious, as I was the only one with an empty stomach.

You think it ends here? Thats what I thought.

So we climb this mountain type thing. Its hot, and steep, and we all get very thirsty. Hint for the future, kids: don't drink lots of water on an empty stomach. Before too long, I'm feeling pretty bad again. Throwing up pure liquid is rather difficult, due to that "gravity" thing they tell us about occasionally. So here we find ourselves, the lads trying (and failing) to not laugh, and myself spasming "Like you were being electrocuted, or shot, or something." Cue yellow water shooting out of my mouth in a torrent - Apparently, it pushed the grass down and could be heard from a distance. Apparently, a woman walked up with a camera to take a photo of the (admittedly lovely) Welsh vista in front of us, took one look at your death-spasming narrator, then turned around and went back down. Truly, never have I hurled up my guts in a more lovely place.

Still not over I'm afraid. Have you ever tried walking for hours without any stamina? I hadn't slept for very long, I hadn't eaten anything and I had the hangover exhaustion. And we weren't even halfway up yet. Truly, walking around that ridgeline, I have never come so close to wishing for death. We were maybe three quarters of the way around, past the steep and difficult parts, when the hangover broke and I could eat again. I think I saw the face of God.

Sorry about length, but this mountain changed me forever, forging the weak iron of Cheesecake into the solid steel blade of Cheesecake+. This is no longer Cader Idris to me, but some kind of God-sent trial to burn the impurities from our very souls.
(Cheesecake Like a cake...But cheese, Sun 11 Jun 2006, 13:18, Reply)

I used to hate my last job, as I had hardly any work to do,
and was the only person from my department who worked at the local office. (Manager 250 miles away).

I never used to take sickies, but I would go in early, hang my jacket on my chair, turn my computer on, and then go out for the day, and only come back to the office if someone rang my mobile.

My favourite incident was doing DIY at home, balancing on a 2 inch joists, above a ceiling I'd just demolished, covered in plaster dust and having a mobile phone conversation with my manager, telling him I was far too busy at the moment to take any new projects on.
( Pope Shax XIII uses Visio for picture editing, does it show?, Sun 11 Jun 2006, 11:37, Reply)

Humpty was right
Like Humpty said, wise words there matey.

I've always found that the merest suggestion of projectile vomitting or chronic squits is enough to earn your workmates sympathy. If they think you're gonna spray over them and/or stink the place up they won't want you at work!

Many 'cred points' can be earned by telling them you'll "come in later if I'm feeling better." Let's face it, most sickies are pulled cause you don't wanna get up. Take a break, have a nice lie-in, then turn up around 3pm, work for a couple of hours, (with no one expecting too much) then sod off home. Do this a couple of times, and they'll all think you're really committed and hard-working. I've actually heard folk saying stuff like:
"He must be really sick, he usually drags himself in half dead if he can."

It's all about psychology see?

That said, when I was manager type and someone rang in sick, I always prefaced their calls with:
"Overdo it last night?"
(Mr Steve is jobless and fancyfree!, Sun 11 Jun 2006, 10:47, Reply)

A co-worker was caught wanking on his plane home.
In his seat.
In first class.
After being arrested at Brize Norton, interviewed and released on bail, he went home.
And stayed there, claiming sickness due to stress.
For six months.
Now that's what I call throwing a sickie.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Sun 11 Jun 2006, 7:09, Reply)

I was actually telling the truth!
I developed the first symptoms of tonsillitis/cold at my interview for my first post-uni job. They were actually really nice about it and went downstairs to get a lozenge to kill my coughing fits. Incredibly, I still got the job even though it involves phone work.

Now, I also have a casual job that I love even though they give me fuck-all hours- I like hanging out there, talking to customers, etc. They knew I was looking for work and I promised to work as long as I could there in the meantime.

So Friday just gone sees me off in the freezing cold at 7am to work 8.30-4.30 at my new job, which is ace, and where I went through a packet of throat lozenges and nearly wore out the mute button on the phone with my coughing and hacking. Then I get on more buses and trains to start my old job at 6 and work til 9. After that the cunting taxi I was getting home didn't show up so I waited in the cold for half an hour until a nice pizza delivery boy drove me home.

Next day I feel like absolute crap, throat is ten times worse and I feel like I'm going to spew from swallowing mucus and crap while I was asleep.

So I called up my casual job, where I am expected within an hour.

"Sorry, I can't come in today, it looks like I have tonsillitis".
"Looks like?"

Bastard sounds like he thought I went to the mirror and poked around looking for some redness so that I could skive off. He cracked the sads at me and I collapsed back into bed, where I have now been for two days except for checking out the QOTW, watching DVDs on the couch and rousing myself enough to cook.

I think I might quit after all after that performance.

*Apologies for crapness, but if we try it at a different angle you might not notice that I lost my cherry a couple of weeks ago. Besides, I'm sick so what the fuck do you expect from me?!
(Angie the Redneck Wonder, Sun 11 Jun 2006, 4:58, Reply)

Playing Mom
The real reason was a debilitating case of Senioritis.
The excuse: surgery for kidney stones.

It was a beautiful day and my friend, Christa, and I could not resist the sweet temptation of the beach. It was a half day of school, which left us the whole afternoon free. Unfortunately, she was scheduled to work during those extra hours.

The solution? Call the supermarket that Christa worked at, pretend to be her mom, put on a most responsible tone of voice and declare that Christa's non-fiction kidney stones needed to be taken care of ASAP in a fictional surgery. I thought I'd chicken out when her manager picked up on the other line - a minute later I was gabbing away about everything from how much pain she was in to where she planned on attending university the following year. I made fucking small talk! And it WORKED!
(juliajuliajulia, Sun 11 Jun 2006, 2:30, Reply)

Black pepper
I snorted the contents of a sachet of black pepper from McDonalds to give my boss the impression that I was coming down with a cold. Pepper up the nose really fucking hurts, in case you were wondering.
(se8card, Sun 11 Jun 2006, 2:23, Reply)

Barman at a large hotel chain
I used to work for a large hotel chain, starts with an H, and ends with a whiny bitch who thinks she has talent and looks, but has neither, ilton!

I used to work extremely long hours for little pay and little recognition, so after a while, I had gotten sick of working for them. They'd start rota'ing me in for work, but because they never phoned me to tell me when I needed to work, I never bothered phoning to find out, so skipped so many shifts that way. The most effective sickie I had though, was the whole "I have diorehha (sp?)". They don't want to ask the details, but if you work in the food industry, they can't let you come into work. BRILLIANT!

After 3 or 4 weeks, I finally got a letter from HR, "Do you still want the job?", to which I replied, "I greatfully respect that I will be resigning in one months time, however, in the meantime, please rota more shifts for me". God how funny it was when I used the same excuses and worked 3 times in 4 weeks!!!!

HAHAHAHA. (sorry for the etc....)
( DavyBoyInGravyJoy Grey Goose Vodka on Ice, nothing finer, Sun 11 Jun 2006, 1:46, Reply)

Master of the Skive
I used to work with the all time Master of the Skive. We knew he was pulling sickies, the Boss knew, but he was so damn good at it. Once he asked for a night off so he could go and watch Liverpool play, he was refused, so sure enough he rang in.

"Got the bastard this time," said my Boss, he'd only run up Anfield explained the situation and got the seat numbers this guy had booked and had them confirmed as having been used.

When confronted, the Master of the Skive casually said,

"Cause they were used, I gave them to my brother, I didn't want them to go to waste as I WAS ILL WITH FLU."

Queue red-faced Boss, a round of applause from us and offers of a recording of the match so the Boss could scan the crowd for the Master of the Skive. However he couldn't afford the £100 asking price.
(Julian Coped, Sun 11 Jun 2006, 1:15, Reply)

NHS sickies
When I got "World of Warcraft" last May I got a bit hooked. I basically skived 3 days and then 4 days off in May to grind my character. Time well spent.
I usually just go for "Bad guts", seems to convince people.
Worked in a community home for people with mental Illness. One guy had a job cleaning the local Co-Op, which he did 5 mornings a week. One morning he comes to me and says "Kite, I dont wanna go in today" so I said fine, but you make the call. So he did.
"Hi, it's Twumbum here. I wont be in today as Ive had a neervous breakdown - but Ill be back tomorow". Man we work wonders on the NHS eh ?

One time I should have called a sickie was in the winter of 90-91, when I was a student nurse. I was snowed in at home so (being an honest/naive twat) I phoned the ward and told 'em I was snowed in. All was cool til I finished the placement and was told i had 1 day to make up. The reason ? Being snowed in was not a legitimate excuse. I was honest. If I'd LIED to the twunts I would have got away with it.
Bitter ? You betcha fuckin life I still am. Bastards.
(kitescreech still here, Sat 10 Jun 2006, 21:48, Reply)

Vomited in front of my boss
I was outside the office having a brew and a smoke and a pep talk from my boss (for pep talk read "bollocking" or "complete personality assassination") and I'm getting dizzier and dizzier, gradually unable to concentrate on what he was banging on about.
I went dealthy white, couldn't see and then threw up a pint of coffee/stomach butter mix all over the floor. I think it was some dodgy chicken I'd had the night before.
But rather than be sent home i worked at my desk for a further hour until i thought "Arses to this I'm off"
Glad I did because I felt like turds for the rest of the day.
I couldn've called in sick the following morning but didn't; I'm rather conscientious. No idea why...
(Ghostlight, Sat 10 Jun 2006, 20:46, Reply)

Excuses?
I don't need excuses. I just never turned up.
( Lightguy hail satan, Sat 10 Jun 2006, 19:52, Reply)

revisit a QOTW
posted a poo related qotw a good while ago about a contracted visit to a place opposite the french embassey or somewhere around the west end/fulham (it was 6 years ago) and had the shits for ages.

reason why this was the mother of all sickies tho is coz i had been on the piss, from the night before, and thought the reason why i felt so sh*te is coz of the drink (at 10-11am from the night before)

at 2pm, and knew i wasn't getting back to newbury (via paddington) so walked to waterloo (or anywhere, ;) long story) and endedup 20 miles short in basingstoke shi**ing like a crop sprayer till i got home

I still thought this was a hangover, until the doc on monday said i had campilobacteria, and had no bowel control.

2 weeks i was sat on that dunny, till the pills kicked in, been told it never completely goes away

sorry bout the length, it curled out like that again

still a good sickie now
(1_not_so_careful_owner, Sat 10 Jun 2006, 19:11, Reply)

An excuse needed...
I need the last week in July off due to some visiting relatives from overseas (can't get annual leave.) Have taken just one sickie in 5 years and even that elicited a passive bullying response by management - "No, no, we know you're sick, but we just want to make sure that you are not getting too stressed or burnt out from all that (ambulance related) trauma".

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

I'll just pick the best excuse from this QOTW, even if it involves menses from my cock...
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Sat 10 Jun 2006, 16:59, Reply)

My mate Dave (for it is he)
has claimed his cousin has terminal cancer; and visits her every Wednesday, to get out of going to our Music and Technology module, for the last 14 weeks of this term.

Some friends of mine have vowed to rat him out if we fail the module; so if we fail we take him down with us!
( moohalaa, Sat 10 Jun 2006, 16:54, Reply)

I have to go home miss
I have to go and see the Ornithologist.

Worked like a charm.
(Slyph, Sat 10 Jun 2006, 14:37, Reply)