I once called my (very religious) boss
and told him I couldn't come in due to demonic posession. He simply asked me when I might be back at work.
( Slippery Jim Seeking a psychotic lady for fun & sex & crime., Sat 10 Jun 2006, 12:43, Reply)

nice simple story
Worked at a crappy clothes and crap shop for about 3 months. I was ALWAYS rotaed for sundays but somehow between ill parents, food poisoning and migranes i managed to get out of evey single one.

Also there was one time i had gone to the doctors and had some blood taken. Boss knew about this so all was well. SOrt of. It was a hot sunny day, the shop had no air conditioning, i wanted to do anything but be in work. But luckily my mother was "rushed to hospital". I had to stay with her for the whole weekend.

Handed in my notice the following weekend. Better to leave than be fired right?
(elegoo Huh?, Sat 10 Jun 2006, 11:51, Reply)

The most simple rule of Sickies...
Noone is EVER ill for a day, yet so many people say "no questions were asked the next day"... That friends is becuase your boss is sat there marking up another wierd one-day teminal illness that resulted in you looking refreshed and happy.

Keep it simple. Don't specifiy an illness: give symptoms. If you boss suggests you have flu, go with it; it was his idea.
a) You don't know what's wrong with you, you just feel TERRIBLE
b) You have trouble with your balance,
c) you're "going hot and cold so fast that it's confusing"...
d) describe how you woke up with the sheets wet with sweat, but you were shivering...
e) "It's wierd... I just don't feel like eating"
f) go for too much info...
i)"I just can't seem to keep my food inside me... it goes RIGHT through me.
ii)"my pee smells kinda funny too"
iii) "I've had so little sleep becuase i
ve been shitting my guts out all night"

3 days.

There is a 3 day rule. You KNOW that flu is not a one day thing. you have to have one day of "serious illness" when you ring your boss... or even BETTER... Don't ring. Let them ring you.. at which point you pull the "Couldn't find energy to get out of bed" line, and sound like hell... then you need AT LEAST 2 days of recovery. This allows you a day of packing, and 2 days of fun.

The effect is bettered by a day's ground-work. Simply eat 10 bannanas (or similar) for breakfast. This is a sure-fire way to balls-up your stomach and make you feel crap all day. Whine and grumble to colleagues: There's no better backup than your colleagues invoulantarily saying "well.. he was looking really bad yesterday... said he felt terrible"
Girls? Skip the make-up, go for a slightly pasty look ;o)

Extra sympathy can be gleaned by "feeling shit" all day friday, and when you return to work on wednesday, say you spent the entire weekend in bed.

Remind your boss that it would be crippling for the rest of your colleagues if you were to come in and cough everywhere, thus locking a lot more colleagues to this terrible bug.

Doctors? Only irresponsible people go to the doctor and waste thier time with a simple bug like flu.... point this out to your boss too.

My Sickies are usually an exaggeration of the truth. Sure... I HAVE been ill... but it was a hangover... stretch it. Use it, Embrace the gift :o)

****************************************

No, it's note really a vote-worthy story... But maybe, Just maybe, the amateur Sickie-pullers will now extend thier bluffs, and manage a greater level of boss-convincing sickie tactics.

Go forth and be "ill". Reap the reward for ingenious acting.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Sat 10 Jun 2006, 10:44, Reply)

I've lost...
Thanks to the general suckage and wankness of my job, I seem to ahve lost my joie de vivre, the spring from my step, the song from my heart, my sunny outlook on life, and the subtle connection between doing a good job and the miserable pittance I eke out of my bosses every month.

Oh, and I also seem to have lost my sense of timing.

(Still, at least my length and girth remain intact, eh?)
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Sat 10 Jun 2006, 10:26, Reply)

Accidentally called in sick
I have this weird voice thing which means that for the first hour or two after waking up I sound like death warmed up. So, anyhow, a few years ago, when I had a great boss (not the one I have now), I called his mobile around 8, from the train station, trying to say that I was going to be in late, as the trains were delayed again.

All I said was "Hello, R-----d!"

He said "Oh, my goodness! You sound awful. Will you be back in tomorrow?"

I suddenly twigged. "Er, I'll try, I said", and the call ended with him advising me not to push it too hard.

So I went home again, surprising my then partner, and we went out for the day. And the following day. Then I went back to work.

So, it wasn't my fault, I didn't *mean* to call in sick, it just... happened.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Sat 10 Jun 2006, 10:24, Reply)

one i did
I phoned up my boss once - the conversation went a little something like this

Me: I can't come into work today
Boss: Why not?
Me: I'm sick
Boss: How sick?
Me: Well i have a really sore throat...
(well its not going to suck itself yadda yadda yadda, Sat 10 Jun 2006, 9:42, Reply)

new virus?
I rang in one day and claimed that I had Vommirhhea :)

No questions were asked the next day hehe
(badgercrust, Sat 10 Jun 2006, 8:28, Reply)

all time favourite...
best i've ever heard, and fairly sure it's true...
guy in york works in a call centre, crap job etc, spends weekend doing ketamine. drops him in a rather large hole in the universe. calls in on monday morning, saying
" i can't come in, i'm only 1 inch tall"
boss asks "how did you manage to use the phone then?"
reply? "i've just spent 25 minutes jumping on the buttons..."

i love hard drugs.
(jameslib, Sat 10 Jun 2006, 8:07, Reply)

Say uncle.
I wanted to go out early for my anniversary with my boyfriend, so I told my boss that I needed a few days off because my uncle had a heart attack and my family needed me to fly out to go to the funeral (we were intending to go off to some lovely beach resort for the weekend). My boss bought it. Success!

.....imagine my delight when I got a call at two in the morning from my father saying that my uncle had a heart attack and I needed to fly to the funeral.

Karma is a huge bitch.

Whee.
(Fishy_Queen, Sat 10 Jun 2006, 6:40, Reply)

I used to be a union delegate

and a common phrase of mine, when people would do what they were supposed to and ask for time off well in advance, only to not get it, then come to me with a bewildered air, was "that's what sick leave is for".
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 10 Jun 2006, 1:37, Reply)

Sick at work
I wasn't one for taking days off sick even if I was feeling a little off colour. One day, going in feeling a bit under the weather I had to be in a particularly boring architecture meeting where I knew I wouldn't need to give input for some time. I turned up at the room 5 minutes late and took a a spot close to the door. My stomach decided to start grumbling and I started to feel a bit queezy after only a short time; a couple of those burps-where-you-get-sick-in-the-mouth and I figured I'd have to leave the room shortly... but then out of the haze of the meeting going on around me, I noticed everyone looking at me - I'd not been paying attention and had been asked a question - in shock I started to ask what had been asked only to blurt projectile vomit over the meeting table as I opened my mouth to speak. Quickly getting up I raced for the toilets leaving a snails-trail of puke behind me. Somehow I managed not to hit anyone else but my shirt and trousers were covered. I was forced to take the rest of the day off and never had any issues taking 'sickies' after that... :)
(ehup, Sat 10 Jun 2006, 1:02, Reply)

"Eileen Hahn..."
...very pleasant in her Irishness, had decided to try that whole "squat on the floor hyper-ventilating for 2 minutes then get your mates to press REALLY HARD on your chest until you pass out" thing at High School. In the middle of a corridor at break time. So she passes out and flops to the floor just as one of the senior staff rounds the corner - all her mates panic, the teacher panics thinking she's just passed out, Eileen's waking up all groggy to the confused spectacle. She gets driven home for the day and treated with kid gloves for about a week after, the poor thing. Accidental but genius.
(mcnelson, Sat 10 Jun 2006, 0:29, Reply)

Right
So this nurse is working in a hospital, a fair few years ago now, this would have been back in the 80's, and the cow rings in sick. Lying of course. The ward matron on the other side of the phone is finding it hard to hear her, because of the annoying sound of a police siren outside. The message gets through though.

Funnily enough, seconds later after her call, a doctor rings in, also sick, with similar sounds troubling his communications.

Nine months later, and I'm born.
The cunts were too afraid of popping down to the chemist for some more condoms incase they were caught by someone from work. Stupid bastards. Why would someone in a hospital visit a fucking chemist?

Technically, if I just play with the title, so it says "You were invented to get off work" then this is a valid topic. Ish. Oh, I'm dyxkslek so I can get away with that.
(ackles I set your baby on fire., Fri 9 Jun 2006, 23:33, Reply)

Winter Wonderland
I once pulled a sickie from work to go to the Winter Wonderland fair at the Millennium Dome. Forgot to make the call earlier so had to go outside half way through the day and say I wouldn't be in for my evening shift as I was tucked up in bed feeling very sick.

As I was finishing up the call about 30 seagulls decided to start having an argument, which my boss very much heard.

"It's the TV" didn't work. But I still got away with it.
(daylightroddery, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 21:28, Reply)

How handy
I got to sit around reading my book for an hour and a half today at work without having to pull a sickie or anything.

I do data entry in a call centre, keying in information and checking records and such so the others can call people. Exciting. I do this with a couple of blokes, then there's about half a dozen phone monkeys. Today, however, at about quarter to four, we ran out of sheets to work from (they have a record number on, then a list and a load of tick boxes for things we have to check on it). It took that long for them to print off a new pile of them for us, during which time the other two went on phones and I got to doss as I'm not trained for it (and hopefully never will be, as I'm scared to death of phones. Suppose that's a bit of a tie-in with the question). On the plus side, I'll still get paid for it as the boss had already faxed my timesheet and buggered off home, being management and all. Score.
( useful_idiot, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 21:17, Reply)

Someone I know
tried to use a recent traumatic bereavement as an excuse for kiddyfurtling.

Stress, and all that.

The judge wasn't impressed - two years.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 21:16, Reply)

Back Problems...
Trying to get days off a few years ago was a bit of a bugger. I would continually put requests in and never get them. So when it was time for the annual cricket club dinner, I went for the final resort and phoned in. I said I had hurt my back and wasn't able to come in until the middle of next week. Just to be on the safe side, I made a doctors' appointment. After a weekend of mass drunkenness, I made my way to the doctors. After sitting down, the GP examined my back and said "don't like that area there son, I'm going to send you off for x-rays". Hmmm. Went off to the hospital, got x-rayed and within a week was being told that I had worn discs in my back and was being prescribed anti-inflammatories and physiotherapy. I never went for the physio as I was struggling to fit the time in, but that apparently is only a matter of time...
(Rob Roy The Postie is looking for alternative employment, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 21:11, Reply)

Faked a heart attack
Also remembered that during one exceptionally boring media lesson at college, I decided that I could probably fake I was feeling ill if I thought about it hard enough. Spent 10mins or so putting on that 'ooh, I'm not feeling good' face and when my tutor walked past I casually mentioned I wasn't feeling great and could I go home. She looked a little concerned for me and asked what the matter was, and it was pretty clear she was going to let me go home anyway, so I went for the most ridiculous thing I could think of just to see if she'd believe it.

"I'm having a weird heart palpatation, it runs in my family, nothing to worry about, I just need to lie down for a while".

She shit herself and was about to call an ambulance, but I told that was fine and I'd be alright without one. And the college paid for a taxi for me home!



I knew I should've pursued that acting career.
(A Good Egg, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 21:02, Reply)

The more graphic the story the less they want you at work
I get very few vacation days at work but a ridiculous number of sick days (45!), so I try to use as many sick days as possible rather than my precious vacation days. What I've learned: The more disgusting the illness you claim, the more people will believe you and beg you to stay away. My advice is to use "vomit" and "diarrhea" repeatedly in the same sentence. Describe symptoms in excrutiating detail. The boss will tell you to stay home for the week. Real illnesses, such as broken bones, upper respiratory infections, or horrific migraines, garner no sympathy or belief, but graphically awful ones involving poo will work every time.

One added benefit: Because people at work now think I have a tremendously delicate digestive system and worry about causing me "episodes", I get to select the food for all of our catered events. No more cheap, crappy pizza. Gourmet all the way!
(bunnybutt, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 20:54, Reply)

Lies, All Lies!
When I were a lad, I worked part-time in a local shop to feed my drink habit. Now, the only problem with this was that the wanky Pakistani owner refused to pay me decent wages and opted for a whopping £1 an hour (I was only 15 and couldn't get a decent job!). Child slavery I say!

Anyhoo, one night my mate comes round to my house with a cracking idea "Let's go and get rat-arsed, it's student night! £1 a drink!"
"Cracking idea" says I, "Only one problem though, i'm supposed to be working tonight"
"Not a jot" says my mate "I'll phone them up, pretend to be your brother and tell them you're sick and can't come in!". Matey goes ahead and makes the call. Great, except for the minor detail i'd forgotten :- my brother worked for them for years and still spoke to them on a regular basis so would clearly see through such a foolish scheme. *Fucksocks*

Result:- They did, and I was never asked back to do another shift and was given dirty looks whenever I went in for shopping! Great night out though!

*Pop* Sat in the bushes stalking for far too long!
(Scouty last scratched and sniffed on, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 20:11, Reply)

Ive killed off many family members
But most were obscure ones i made up, like my aunty died yesterday, 1 day off sympathy leave, then of course theres the funeral...but i havent got an aunty.

Anyways, my nan happened to kick he bucket one time when i really wanted to have saturday off (i work weekends being a student) so i texted my mate, him being the biggest arse licker in the entire warehouse, to tell my line-manager. But he believed she was really dead and told my ex girlfriend, who id JUST split up with. She really liked my nan, we used to see her every week when we were together. So she rang me up all crying and giving her sympathies, i felt kinda bad then so i decided to tell her she wasnt really dead and that i made it up as an excuse to go out and do what i do best. Get mullered on anything i can get my hands on. Lets say she didnt take it too well. I think when she said "you sick, sick bastard" was when i realised there was no chance of ever getting back together. Ah well, it was a good night out anyway.

Ive also made up motorbike accidents and gang beatings. My last one was sun/heat stroke, my arms were sunburned badly and i just couldnt be arsed. Ive punched bricks on the way to work to make injuries seem believeable too. Its shocking i know. I just hate that fucking place.
(PieEater, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 20:03, Reply)

Sadly not a joke
One of my staff called in sick because his laptop had a virus and he wanted some time at home to take care of it.
([email protected] has written a book, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 19:28, Reply)

Suicidal parents is always a good one.
Only try it oooh... I don't know, monthly?
( jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 9 Jun 2006, 19:18, Reply)

Nosebleeds + substitute teachers
This isn't really me throwing a sickie, more like someone throwing a sickie for me.

So, up until a few Christmasses ago, I had never had a nosebleed IN MY LIFE. Never. And suddenfly, for about 4 months I was constantly having them.

Anyway, one day in school, i was in a german lesson, and we had this supply teacher who everyone hated. She was Austrian, it was hard to understand what she was saying and she bollocked everyone for no reason.

Anyway, on come the nosebleeds. I asked if I could go to the toilets to wash up. So, as I'm walking down the corridor, some guy I know comes walking after me. He told me to wait up, and I asked what he was doing out of the lesson. He replied 'I told her that I should go with you incase you died of blood loss', which I found pretty funny.

But the REALLY cruel part is that we found out a couple of days later that this supply teacher's son is a haemophiliac! (for those who don't know, that's a condition where your blood can't clot easily, and bleeding just doesn't stop)
(The_Mop, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 18:55, Reply)

A while back
Me and my mate were working at the same place. One night we find out Pearl Jam tickets are going on sale, so what do we do? We go and wait outside of the box office for 10 hours and get drunk with the other people waiting there. Tickets go on sale at 10am and my mate has to be on the job at noon. Well, we get our tickets and get to my place at 10:30. My mate, having gotten no sleep at all asks if he can get an hour in on my couch, I say "Yeah, no fucking problem, I'll wake you up in an hour."

I didn't.

So he has to call in, still drunk and extremely tired and explain he was sick. He got a write-up because we had told eveyone our plans for getting the tickets. Shit.
(Human, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 18:49, Reply)

Appenidsickness
I was in primary school one day, bored out of my brains. Decided to fake being sick so I could sent home and do something more fun. Worked a treat until my mum picked me up and insisted I went straight to the doctors. He had a bit of a prod about and told me my appendix (spelt wrong) were about to burst and that I had to go to hospital immediately! Feck!

So there I was being wheeled into the operating theatre thinking god or someone was having a massive laugh and teaching me a lesson at the same time. At least I got two weeks off school, but from that day I have never (well rarely) pulled a sicky.

I only told my mum last year (22 years since the event). She nearly wey herself!
(Vapour Trail, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 18:40, Reply)

Prolly bin dun...
"Can't come in today, I'm sick"
"How sick are you?"
"Well, I'm in bed with my eight year old sister."

oh, it has. :(
(Rich T has a clever and witty sig, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 17:46, Reply)

Pulled a sickie..
I got asked to work Friday and Saturday of my usually only Saturday job. Friday night til 10.30pm, but then they asked if i could work the early shift the next day. "Yeah, sure, no worries". Then they told me i had to be in at 6am. Ok, fine, few hours sleep and I'll be ok and fuck it I needed the money.

Shame I decided to go to a party as soon as I finished work on Friday and proceeded to get ridiculously drunk.

Instead of ringing up and faking I was ill, I decided in a very pissed state that I would still go in to work anyway. I;d be the only one there until 8am or so, giving me enough time to sober up. Wrong. Turned up and my boss was there looking at me swaggering into work still wearing my work clothes from yesterday.

I managed to come up with some bullshit excuse about not being able to sleep last night, and had stayed up all night. My boss, bless her, just said "You fucking idiot, go home, i'll sign your timesheet to say you were here all day". Stoked, got away with it! As I was walking out ready to enjoy a day of slobbing on the sofa, I hear my boss call out to me "GOOD PARTY LAST NIGHT THEN?"

Fuck it, I still got paid for being pissed.
(A Good Egg, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 17:37, Reply)

Not me, but a mate..
...was once getting bollocked by his mother for forgetting to go to a dentist appointment.
She said "Are there any other appointments you haven't gone to and not told me?"
In a stroke of genius, my friend replied, "Yeah, my lobotomy,"
It shut his mum RIGHT UP.

genius.
(Pixel, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 17:27, Reply)

Eyeballtastic
I once woke after a drunken binge in bed with an attractive girl, and neither of us had bolted at the first sign of light. So in my wisdom (and thinking with my pecker) I decided to call work and tell them I was ill.

Silly of me to be so still semi-drunk as to not have pre-thought of an excuse AND hadn't put on my obligitary croaky "i'm so ill" voice. So, here i was, on the spot, speaking to my manager without a good answer to return to the question "Hello, whats up?".

First thing out of my mouth was "I can't come in, I have to lubricate my eyeball"

worked a treat, and more than once, nobody ever asked why or how, maybe they thought it was so terrible a thing that it should not be spoken of :)

*Girth over length, every time
(ShavenLunatic says touch your nose!, Fri 9 Jun 2006, 17:18, Reply)