what is this 'sex' of which you speak?

( likeajackhammer, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 10:20, Reply)

My ex was a supermodel by day, clown at night
She truly was Beautiful And Bonkers
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 9:18, Reply)

bless her
My mate Big Bi Si (used to be called Big Gay Si until he got a girlfriend . . . says me who's only dates have been with palmella for at least 5 years)

anyhoo

His girlfriend has a savings account with around £13,000 in it, fantastic I hear your cry, except she honestly can't remember who its banked with!!
She isn't bonkers, more scatty with occasional swings to the clinically insane.
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 9:12, Reply)

sorry
I'd post something witty and exciting, but I just got done shagging the most delicious girl I've ever been with. Ask me about this in the morning.
(shady_dave, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 6:15, Reply)

The Pokey Little Pornstar
Sex tapes are generally a bad idea. Especially when your ex won't return/destroy them and his current girlfriend (who happens to be a complete nutter who probably spends at least twelve hours a day plotting your demise) has access to them.
At least if she does Rick Saloman me it won't be all bad, I'm still 20kg thinner, 1000X more attractive and 11 years younger than her. Not looking like the arse-end of an elderly hippo is all the revenge I could ever want.
(pokey_little_puppy Future Supreme Ruler of the Universe, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 3:19, Reply)

Let's live together
Well we had for a few years until she decided to do "The Big OE" (i.e. leave NZ for the UK). so that's fine, yep ok - see you over there some time. You need to find yourself etc, Auckland is too small...drugs are not freely available....you can't make as much of an arse of yourself here as you can when surrounded by other Kiwis / Ockers in some crap London bar.

So I travel to London 2 days before my 30th. Meet up and stay at hers. Meet with other NZ friends..good times...late nights etc etc. Nothing definite from her but that's cool - we'd both been shagging others.

SHE then comes back at Xmas (6 months later). by this time I am pretty serious with what would become Mrs Wino. She comes over to my place (still by myself at this stage) and we go to some local bars / restaurants. Drinks/nice food....blah blah lots of light talk. Eventually I tell her about the other one (future Mrs) and how I am not interested in going back to her hotel etc...that's ok, nice goodbyes etc later on. No dramas there and here's me thinking all's well that ends...

The funny stuff started a few months later. First mail started arrving addressed to either her or both of us....Hmmmm...by this stage Mrs Wino was living at mine and getting a little hot under the collar. More mail arrvied - junk stuff mainly until i received the pohone bill...

Hmmmm "Mr & Mrs [insert jealous ex's surname here]" ....looks funny. I ring the telco - ah yes, that's corretc sir, you are listed as that. I check the recently arrived new phone book: fuck that! She has listed the both of us as a married couple at my address WITH HER SURNAME! oh dear....From memory I emailed her and asked here wtf she thought she was upto...bleating and tears ensued (from her you dolt).

Sounds all fairly trivial I know but just goes to show how even the most outwardly "normal" wench can come a cropper and cause some grief.

** Long time lurker / first time poster ** No lame phallic metaphors apart from yes, length a little long, but width is the true star.
(wino.NZ The Ayatollah of rock n' rolla..., Wed 22 Nov 2006, 3:03, Reply)

I'll never see Hosties in the same way..
The time - mid '90's, the place - a seaside resort not more than a mile from Brighton, the street I lived in was known as Hostie heaven due to the unfeasibly large number of air hostesses living in it (due to Gatwick being a hop skip and a jump away).Anyway, I had the 'good fortune' to um, 'mix' with several of them over a period of several years, and I hooked up with one particular sweetie whose name I dare not mention, through a friend of a friend. (she wasn't one of the usual crowd, as they all worked for Caledonian and she flewed the flag for BA).
All is going swimmingly, she lives 100 yards up the road from me, has a nice flat, is good fun and even better loved to do rudies with her uniform on (and for all those red blooded pervert frequent flyers out there, yes, they do wear all the tackle on a regular basis under their uniforms).
One night we are sitting there in post shenanigans bliss, sharing a pizza, and the conversation turns to relationships, and inevitably exes....I casually asked how she'd broken up with her previous boyfriend, and she equally casually told me that when he dumped her, she stabbed him with a kitchen knife, resulting in many stitches. Sooo, imagine the scene - there I am trying to maintain my cool, whilst frantically thinking a)I have to dump her, she's a mentalist, and b)if I dump her there's pain involved and possibly coffins and maggots for yours truly.
She then told me how, when he was released from t'hospital, she took all of his clothes down to where he worked, dumped them on top of his car and set light to them.
At this point, I decided that cowardice was the best policy, and for at least a month I lived in the back two rooms of my flat (so that she would think I wasn't in as there were no lights on), parked my car 6 or 7 streets away for the same reason, and bravely ignored all phonecalls and knocks at the door. I found out sometime later that she was the precious child of some locally notorious pikey family, so i think I got off very lightly.
Oh, and while I think of it, her very favourite thing was to get all dressed up for work, pleasure me blow jobically, and to milk my romance juice over her exposed breasts before rubbing it in and then doing her blouse up and going to work. She did long haul flights, so I would imagine she smelt pretty ripe by the end of the flights....so next time you lust at a hostie as she pours you a drink..think on...does her chest really have dandruff..?

Apologies for rubbishness, my length shrank in the wash
(Hero to Zero freeing the tadpoles on a regular basis, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 1:47, Reply)

always the pretty ones
I've already posted before about the fucking stunning bi girl I was going out with who cheated on me with a girl then denied any knowledge of our 5 month relationship, so I'll leave that one...
(A Good Egg, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 0:22, Reply)

Some splendid entries this week
But just one on the the "All women are crazy" theme, I've noticed a lot of these stories seem to come from instant-sex-to-relationship senarios. Strikes me that any girl with that low a level of self-esteem must be a bit insecure and crazy in the first place, and thinking sex = happy relationship is a seriously distorted view on things. Sure its fun, but maybe its not such a bad idea to find out where both parties want things to lead to BEFORE committing to something so huge.

Because it IS a big deal, to some people anyway.

/end rant
( SugarSpunSister Yeah, whatever, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 0:13, Reply)

madness
a few years ago..on the way back from the pub..I was passing a mates house, when I spotted someone in his doorway
I shouted out HIYA! thinking it was my mate ..but it turned out to be a girl i'd never seen before.
HIYA! she shouted back
it was drizzling heavy and she looked a bit unhappy standing in the doorway
( I knew that he had split with his long-time partner a couple of months previously ) so thought....this must be his latest girlfriend
I'd been dinking with him earlier that evening, so thought that he must have gone into town or for a take-away
we started chatting, and although she wasn't a great looker, I felt like I'd clicked straight away.
She stood close to me under my umbrella, I could feel her warmth , but she looked worried
I asked her if she was OK, and she said that she had been waiting for him for ages, and was bursting to get to the loo for a wee!
In a flash I asked her if she wanted to come back to mine...and maybe she could try to ring him from there
that was it....she gave me a gorgeous smile....snuggled up against me under my umbrella...and we walked up the road like a right loving couple
I only lived a couple of streets away, but by the time I got to the bottom of my road.....she was all over me....hands stroking my dick and everything!
then she suddenly stopped....and looked like she was on the verge of tears
I asked her what was up....and she told me that she was peeing her knickers
holy shit!....I rushed her up the road and into the house.....pointed her in the direction of the toilet....but she said that it didn't matter......that she'd done it all down her leg!!!...and....had I got a washing machine?
I had put a wash in that night...and could hear it still going....I was sobering up quite quickly...where as she was all huggy and on the verse of sobbing
i tried ringing my mate...no-one in....
shit!...i'd got a girl I didn't know....clinging on to me....pissed herself...
I rang a taxi....gave her a fiver...and told her to get home and get herself tidied up...it was all I could think of at the time!
when I spoke to my mate later.....
what a lucky escape!!!
when i said what had happened....the first thing he said was....did she wet herself?
almost the same thing had happened to him
....met her in the street.....bursting to get to the loo.....wet herself......back to his place......BUT....he offered to wash her wet clothes....ended up in bed...shagging.....couldn't get rid of her....nightmare bitch from hell!!!...things went missing from his house..attacked one of his friends with a pair of scissors...threatn't to piss herself in the middle of new look unless he bought her a pair of jeans she wanted....got her tits out to his sister etc etc
I reckon I got off lightly?
(kellymerkin, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 23:23, Reply)

Reuben is very cool
YES! YES! A THOUSAND TIMES YES!




Well it beats dying alone.
(Just a girl., Tue 21 Nov 2006, 22:31, Reply)

Complete nutcase... funnily enough
Ok, this happened many a years ago when I used to be an 'Internet pimp' (as my friend put it) and meet up with girls and have my wicked way with them. Alarm bells a' ringin' already oh yes.

Anyway, I was in my 2nd year of uni and quite happily enjoying it, when I somehow get talking to this girl who will shall call D online. D was ok, nowt special, was easy enough to talk to, but I wasnt that interested.

Over a course of a few days though, D suddenly changed from run-of-the-mill to sex freak, telling me all the things she fantasised about, what she'd like to do to me, if I preferred shaved or un-shaved, etc. etc. Now, being a single, geeky male, I jumped at the chance at this believing it would be a nice easy excuse for a shag. I ignored the fact that she flatline refused to tell me her surname or anything more than that, but she did give me her mobile number insisting that I call but she would never answer.

Eventually, we meet up outside Claire's Accessories of all places,which she then tells me she frequently shoplifts from, and get the bus back to mine. The Evil Dead is put on the dvd player (being romantic) and within about 30minutes my hand is down her knickers and having a good ol' explore.

This then leads to my bedroom and all manner of clothing is on the floor and foreplay fun. Its at this point she tells me she doesnt want to have sex with me (bugger) and wants to wait (shit). Not being too happy, but thinking I can get some oral, I persevere. After a while, the oral finally happens, and I have never had worse- she INSISTED on using her teeth no end despite me saying otherwise and then said, and I quote,

"I should be really good- I've blown over 40blokes... one even paid me £60".

Erm... ok. I'm too taken back to say anything and ask her to stop and just use some hand action instead. Looking back, I should have shown her the door, but this is when all of a sudden she stops everything and starts undressing, and this is when the alarm bells ring enough for the whole street to hear.

Across one leg she's carved, and I mean carved in 72point, the word FAT and UGLY across the other. All over her arms and chest there are purple molehills which I assume is infected skin from the glass she then told me she cuts herself with.

Before I can say anything, she's bent over in front of me proclaiming that I am indeed going to get some sex.

MF666: Erm... you were right, lets wait.
D: But I really want you!
MF666: Well, how about we wait for a while, make it more intimate that way.
D: Please, I want you!
MF666: Look, I cant I'm impotent!

I'm not impotent, but its the first thing that popped up in my head. She didnt mind and said that we could work on it, and wait until I overcame my apparent problem.

I'm stuck with her 'till the next day so I order pizza, put on dvd's, just anything so I dont have to go near her. Next day she decides that she wants to borrow my shirt to be close to me until she see's me again. She decides to pick out my favourite Iron Maiden shirt that I got at my very first gig. She wouldnt let me have it back, or exchange it for some bootleg shit, she had to have that one.

So anyway, I go up to see another Inet girl up north, and end up in bed with her too. This one is completely clean, much better looking, way more interesting and a 1000 times better than D.

So I decide to tell D that I dont want to know her at all, as I have a much better option now. I cant do that over the 'phone as I know I would never see said Maiden shirt again. Cue her coming round.

D: I love you.
MF666: Erm... I think we should have a break (and quickly hides the Maiden shirt).
D: What??? Why???
MF666: Last weekend freaked me out.
D: I love you.
MF666: That may be so, but well, I only want it to be for a while, 3wks or so.
D: NO!
MF666: Look, I saw someone else last weekend and I want to make a go of it with her.
D: Why?? Why must you do this to me? Why does this always happen?

Cue EIGHT SOLID HOURS of tears, screaming, and pleading, that apparently could be heard three streets down.

D: Give me some drugs. I need drugs.
MF666: What? No!
D: Please... or a knife.
MF666: What?
D: I need a knife to cut the pain away.

Shit fuck shit. I run downstairs and ask my housemate to hide all sharp objects in the house in case she either stabs herself or me. I then decide to lie through my teeth and say I'll stop seeing up north girl and 'get back' with D.

Crying stops that second and everythings cool. She falls asleep and I nip downstairs and fall asleep on the couch. I wake up in the morning and go to check on her.

D: You were lying werent you.
MF666: (for some reason)... Yes, I was.

Cue the crying again, right up to when I saw her off at the bus stop at her request.

So a weekend of utter hellish drama for a Maiden shirt which doesnt fit me now as I'm a bit lardier these days. Turns out my housemate did hide all the knives (cheers Mr. Carl Balshaw!!!), and I got together with up north girl, who then dumped me several times. I now live with a bloke with a beard and a Serbian. Hooray!

Sorry about the length! Actually, I'm not. Put that in yer pipe and smoke it!
(metalfeast666, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 21:15, Reply)

rzftxuj
These questions are getting worse
(abignumber, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 19:26, Reply)

I. P. Freely
Not sure if I've posted this before, however, here goes.

My mate fergie, out on the piss, pulls a random, takes her back to his place, they get it on.

Fergie wakes up circa 4am, she's nowhere to be seen, front door is wide open. He decides he'll put it down to experience, closes the door, goes to the kitchen to slake his now raging thirst.

Turns round at the fridge to see his ride squatting on the lino bollock naked, pissing freely, eyes closed, stroking an iron (off, mind) while holding it to her face.

Naturally he asks "WTF are you doing?" to be duely subjected to a verbal and physical battering, mystery woman runs off.

I have no idea what was going on there, nor does he.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 19:08, Reply)

not really a girlfriend but...
what happened was i went away for a long weekend with some mates, and one of them was bringing his new girlfriend that he'd met on an internet chat-dating-grab a granny website. She seemed to be ok, a little quiet, but ok. So around the fire he's telling us about this website (this is in france by the way) so i thought it might be a good idea to have a go myself, having been dumped by text message a couple of months before... so the next week i sign up, and start looking around... and lo and behold i see my mates girlfriend, so i send her a message, something along the lines of "how come you're still here?", she answers back, and asks for my msn contact, i give it to her thinking "oh, how nice". Then it sort of starts, i find out that she is in no way happy with my mate, that he's obsessed with money and his car and that during the weekend she met someone more to her liking, ie me. So this goes on for a while and then she tells me she often goes away to marseille 'cos she has brain cancer, but no one nows, not even her parents. Oh. But then she invites me to her place, which is miles away from where i live, out in the mountains. So i reckon why not. The day before i'm supposed to go there, she logs in to msn messenger. Except that the person i'm talking to says that it's her brother, that she's gone to hospital and she's lost her sight, and that she's been talking about the fact that i'm supposed to meet her... and so i mention the fact that she's also indicated as on line on the chat site... the person on msn messenger says "oh thats just my wife messing around on the computer". So i mention something like "your sisters in hospital with cancer, she can't see, you're dicking around on msn messenger and your wife is looking at personnal stuff on chat sites??". Then it starts to get a bit lairy, so i start taking the piss, asking whether her guide dog is typing her answers for her, to which i get a few insults... it sort of ended there, but i did get an email a year later, which i just answered "do i know you?"
nice girl.
i later found out my mate got chlamydia from her, and that she sent him nasty text messages for months afterwards, no mention of any brain cancer though.
(Alaning, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 18:47, Reply)

One piece of advice...
given to me by my brother and his band mates:

It might not be the end of the world, but it always ends in tears with a ginger girl.
(kitnel it's probaby infectious, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 18:18, Reply)

Oh, one more thing....
.....yes, i've been the slightly un-hinged ex in my past. Its you women types, you do silly silly things to our brains!

Still, i can look back on those days and shudder now, whoop.

Oh, and for all the lovers out there.....

Anyhoo!
( The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 18:15, Reply)

Back when i was at school....
...i was dating a girl. After the third day of our, with retrospect, dull relationship she took it upon herself to have a rifle through my CD collection.

Now, while eclectic at best i do maintain that my CD collection is good. A great deal of the stuff in there would fall under the heading of "nice".

She declared she was going to pick "our-song" which in itself was worrying. It'd been three days for fucks sake, and i was also under the impression that "our song" is a thing thats picked by "us"....evidently not.

Anyway, whats did she pick?

R.E.M and Everybody Hurts.

Daft bitch....i wonder if she's looked back on this herself and wondered what the fuck she was thinking.
( The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 17:59, Reply)

Not my bird, but her bonkers mum
Some years ago I used to go out with a girl who's Mum was a solicitor, and all respect due, she was a pretty good one, despite the obvious stressful nature of the job. However, she seemed to think that her success meant she could do whatever the fuck she wanted, and this meant a whole range of things :

- Referring to her only child, my ex, as "it" (I kid you not)

- Screaming at us until she went purple because we changed the fucking channel once without asking

- Demanding that my ex spent all her weekends at home so that she could help with the jobs, shopping etc. She seemed to think that she was being gracious by letting me be there at the same time - this was my only way of seeing my bird at the weekend!

Things really came to a head on my ex's 18th tho. We were having a few glasses of champagne before the taxi came to take us to a swanky restaurant and, surprise surprise, Mrs SolicitorCrazyBitch got a wee bit squiffy. When the taxi arrived, she screamed at him so many times (he was going the wrong way, he was driving too slowly, he was driving too fast) that the taxi driver (clearly irate with the bitch) goes "Right, I'm taking you to the fucking police station!"

She then demands that I (in the passenger seat) grab his ID card so she can complain on the phone to the taxi firm. I tell her to get fucked, so she grabs it herself and the taxi driver (who, I'll be honest, I'm beginning to side with) ALMOST punches her in her ugly fat fucking face.... but then restrains himself.

I get out and walk to the restaurant, only for my ex to tell me to apologise to her mentalist mother.

We didn't last that much longer, me and my ex, funnily enough. She idolised her mother, and started to show traits of lunacy.

That, and she had small tits, and was a Man United fan. Fucking hell.
(Hammer Time, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 17:49, Reply)

Spot on Cairo
If all your exes turn into psychos, perhaps you should take a look at just how you treat said exes.
(SusK, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 17:46, Reply)

Brothers ex
My brother met a cracking bird. She was the original ladette 20years before the term existed. She had big tits, drank like a catholic priest and was one of the lads, great fun to be with. He married her, then the trouble began. As my brother succeeded in his chosen career, up the managerial ladder, she stayed home and did the wifey mum bit with the sprogs but was just as mad at weekends and partys. Sadly for him, she became an embarrassment, after showing her tits at one too many company functions to the board elect and eventually attempting to murder my sister on holiday in another drunken stupor. It all ended in tears, my brothers, as she's cleaned out the bank account, racked up the credit cards to the max and took out loans. Eventually to be evicted from the house he was now in debt for and divorced. Career stalled, overlooked by the board, so what does he do? Only goes and starts shagging a woman at work who's already living with some poor bloke. Shit hits the fan and they both elope to another country. I'm still shaking my head...
(minky, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 17:33, Reply)

Vorsprungdurchmental
Not me, but a friend (honest), was fulfilling his destiny as an Australian by spending a few months drinking and shagging his way around Europe.

Made his way to Munich and met an amiable lass from Berlin and struck up a platonic, but flirty relationship.

Upon his return to Oz, they continued their flirting via email and IM. One day, when said friend was working on a backpacking publication, he asked her if she would like to write a short piece about Germany for the magazine. She said she'd love to, and then he didn't hear anything for six months.

Needless to say, she missed the deadline, but when she finally got in touch, it was an email that has since become the highlight of this young man's life (if he lived in a different hemisphere it would not have been so...)

Said German gets back in contact and says, sorry she's been out of touch for so long. She was committed to a mental institution because she had developed a fantasy world that revolved around none other than my friend and his occasional emails. Her friends and family had intervened when it became apparent she had lost all touch with reality.
(lessmiserable, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 17:21, Reply)

'ne'er goo out widae goodlook'n boy, they're noo good'.
I'm from Yorkshire and I've never met anyone who speaks like that. I think maybe this person is Welsh, via Glasgow and Newcastle.
(frankspencer, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 17:09, Reply)

You lot are a mess...
One of my favourite sayings, even if it does send the chill of truth right down my spine:

"The only constant factor in all of your dysfunctional relstionships is YOU."

Another one, told to me by the grandma of a friend at uni in a heavy yorkshire accent, is 'ne'er goo out widae goodlook'n boy, they're noo good'.

Very wise old lady. Although Mark form Peep Show is even wiser: "aah, the perfect combination of beauty and low self esteem."
(cairo, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 17:07, Reply)

The Air Hostess (Says alot really..)
There was this one lass I will always remember. It's more through the sheer terror imprinted into my memory than the fun times we had. I shall call her Roxy. Roxy was a blonde haired, blue eyed female with all the right curves in all the right places. She was bubbly, outgoing and level headed (so it seemed). Roxy started to date another college friend of mine; Bill. Now Bill wasn't all there - a little paranoid as most men can be but if she was on b3ta, I'm sure she'd answer this QOTW about him.

Anywho, push came to shove and Roxy and myself didn't see each other again. I went to classes less and less which probably didn't help. One fateful day I quite literally bumped into her and she blurted out her lifestory with Bill in around 30 seconds. In a nutshell "We're over do you want to go out sometime?" This is where I was a little naive and thought it was going to be a catch up, full breakdown of events with Bob and so on (like before as Roxy and I were pretty close). She turns up at my place and after hinting all night and pestering me for a kiss, I cave in and kiss her.

I should have stopped there (because it wasn't very good for one) but something in the back of my head wouldn't let me. I believe it was her hand actually. Heh. Right thinks I, enough is enough I don't want this so let's kick her out. I play the "I'm really tired, can we call it a night" game. Yes, I was that desperate. This failed and to hurry the story up a bit, she stayed over. Turns out she already had her things because she never planned to go home. Yikes. Alarm bells are ringing but I'm a bit like a rabbit in the headlights. Push comes to shove and we get down to it. Despite the bad kissing, it was bloody fantastic. Didn't get a wink of sleep and she loved every minute of it.

I should have realised things were going bad when she was poised over me, trying to turn me on by licking her lips - you know how they do in the movies that brings every guy to his knees. Well it wasn't like that at all, I can see it now and it brings a tear to my eye. I should have run a mile when towards the end of a session she tried talking dirty saying I should "[insert your own phrase here] like a naughty little girl." Each to their own is what I thought, and bless her she was trying (did I mention the sex was brilliant though).

Morning comes (as did we) and I have to kick her out. Literally. She begged me not to leave and had, whilst I slept, planned our wedding, childrens' names and where we were going to live.

I thought I had got away with it. One stupid night of..I'm not sure really. Sleeping with someone just to get them off your case isn't the nicest thing in the world. Nevertheless she hadn't the foggiest and then the texts and phone calls started. You can imagine the type; "we are soooooo good together" "I can't wait to have you again." The phone calls were worse. Remembering as an Air Hostess she was sometimes landing in the UK at 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning. Then calling me. I grunted or mumbled something down the phone "cock off I'm sleeping" several nights in a row yet she still called. And called. Then called some more. Hearing my voice made her whole day worthwhile. Thankfully she forgot where I lived and couldn't harrass me there. I think she's got a new boyfriend and has been with him sometime since she finished stalking me. The whole thing was a lot worse than I can ever describe - partially because I have a mental block on every little detail.

I'm not apologising for length or girth; I didn't to her and she loved it. Thinking about it, that might have been the problem..
(mannitol, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 16:57, Reply)

True! - Not Me, but a mate!
Boy meets girl,
Girl is boys 3rd girlfriend & 1st shag!
Girl attacks boy with knife,
Girl puts pillow over boys head while sleeping,
Girl accelarates and threatens to drive into brick wall, veering away at the last minute!,
Boy goes to pub with mates for weekday drink, boy not allowed back into flat they own,
Whenever boy is out of an evening, boy is not allowed to go back to flat...,
They got married in June!

PS Boy has had no horizontal action for 18 months.

Typing this i wonder who is the nutter...,

Not much length, but my mate was hung like red rum.!
( Random Image Yes, yes, I'll speak to you on Monday, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 16:54, Reply)

Answering last week's question...
... months after that particularly well-worn "trick" stopped being funny. Now THAT'S going too far, eh? Eh?

*FX: tumbleweeds*

(don't click, it's not worth it)
( wangmaster2000, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 16:28, Reply)

Ginger nuts
This is not a reference to the Ginger Fuhrer but to a young lady I once had a relationship with. She seemed perfectly ok, she seemed up for it. A little bit unbalanced, but heh. The holes the goal. Any way she became a shag buddy, The type you call when you are bored, and Baywatch just isn't doing it for you.

I should have thought her behavior was a little irratic when she told my house mate, to stop smoking because it affected her asthma. It was his house! Oh and while I would have free reign as it were on Mondays and Wednesdays, my mate was doing her on Tuesdays and Thursdays. She thought she was so clever hiding the details. We were discussing what we got up to down the pub on Fridays!

So after a few months she came up to me all distressed and told me "I'm pregnant and I'm not sure what to do." I think my face must have given it away, " Oh it's not yours, I just need your advice"

So I put her on the one way train to anywhere a long way away.

She kept phoning for sex, which I might have taken up. She then started to call my new girlfriend and threaten with violence, while wanting to chat about my cock.
(B3any_pants, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 16:18, Reply)

Crazy Italian's
I met this stunning Italian girl earlier this year, she seemed really nice but I was a little taken aback when she started screaming “I love you, I love you!” during our first shag... we had only known each other for a few days.

She later turned out to be married and hadn’t told me.

Amazing!
(Minty Hit, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 16:09, Reply)