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This is a question Booze Related Disasters

We want to know about your worst experiences with alcohol. Woken up in bed with your mum? Stole a donkey? Shat yourself in Harvester? Funniest stories will be used on B3ta Radio and also preserved by the magic of the web on this very site.

(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 2:28)
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This question is now closed.

I do not normally
get sik when I drink, but when I do, I do it in style.
I had just janded in my notice, and decided to celebrate with a bunch of mates. In about 2 hours I downed 10 double vodkas, then we decided to go to the local wine bar, where I think I went through about a bottle of wine in 1/2 hour. As I started to feel sick, I decided to make my way to the toilet upstair, unfortunately I was not quick enough and started being sick on the upstairs landing, and then managed to slip , and fall head first into my own vomit. My assistant who was in the loo at the time, had to clean me up, then decided that since I was in no state to go hom e on my own, she'd sleep at her place. So off we went to the station. I spent the netire journey talking to people, to this day I do not know what I told them. We got to her place, and she had to help me undress and get into bed. The following morning, I had to sneak out at 6 am, in order to go home and get changed before going to work. When I got there everybody knew about it, thank god I left 3 weeks later.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 11:25, Reply)
I once went out drinking in Edinburgh....
left the club to move on, but in my wisdom* decided to nip up a back street for a quick jimmy riddle... As most men do, I was calmly farting away when I followed through!!

Never has such panic engulfed me. All my mates were waiting for me... so I legged it up the alley and hid until they had gone. Explaining this to my mates the next day was not amusing... well for me anyway....

*NOTE: to use wisdom, you must first have some!!!
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 11:21, Reply)
if i'd been sober i'd probably have shat myself...
8 of us once carried a portaloo 3 streets away and left it outside this girl's house with the door open so that when her family opened their front door they would step into the open portaloo. didn't account for her grandad and his shotgun still being awake at 3am though. i've never run or been so scared for my life...
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 11:17, Reply)
Jack Daniels and Stoli
A couple of years ago I was an exchange student in America, and arrived at some sort of international student introductory party where everyone was getting to know each other. Me and this other exchange student I'd met from Wales had spent a few hours getting to know the local bars beforehand. I was intoduced to a stunning girl from Austria, and wondered whether they spoke German in Austria- decided to teest this theory by slurring "Kanst me ein blaasen" (give me a blowjob, according to a german exchange student I'd met the day before). Learnt a couple of lessons- yes, Austrians do speak German, and also I'd just propositioned the Mayor of Saltzberg's daughter. Classy.

Most memorable one involved a bottle of Stolichnaya- a dangerously smooth vodka which is very easy to drink without upsetting your stomach. Went out to some dodgy pub in covent garden, the castle or something, with a full bottle of this in my coat pocket, which I drank along with whatever else was available. The hangover was one of those ones which seems to trancend pain and rational thought- where you feel fine, but the brain just doesn't work properly. The next morning it took me a couple of hours to piece things together not what happened, but what was happening... I woke up in an unfamiliar bed, fully clothed except for boots thinking "I don't recognise this room, and why are those windows boarded up? Oh well" and fell asleep again. Time passes, I wake up, "Oh look, a naked girl with long hair is sleeping next to me, great, and look at how this bedside table is an upturned crate", zzzz. More time passes, and I awake to find said girl cuddling me. Notice said girl has rather large hands. How unusual... a minute or so of cuddling later, I look round at her and notice said girl also has a substantial goatee. After maybe a minute of probably quite comic staring at the wall thinking ohshitohshitohshit with this lad breathing down my neck, I noticed my boots and coat were in the corner of the room, staggered up and grabbed them, and practically fell down the stairs- after getting out of what was a very nicely kept squat, I was lucky enough to see an Underground sign just down the road and made my way home. Suppose that makes me a cocktease, eh?

Whoever you were, bloke with goatee, sorry for the misunderstanding. And, er, thanks for not raping me.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 11:16, Reply)
bed wetting - top bunk
18 years old, coming back from a very heavy session of larger. My twin borther and I still had to share a bedroom, so I climbed on to the top bunk and fell in to a drink coma/sleep, only to be woken up sometime later by my twin, because I had wet myself in my sleep. My urine had seeped through the matress and started to drip on my brothers face...
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 11:14, Reply)
Got rat arsed one lunch time on my birthday
whilst a student in Bath.

got out of the pub and puked all over a temperance statue ouside the Abbey in front of a load of American tourists.

(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 11:13, Reply)
Always makes me cringe
I went to a friend's house for a drinking contest, he lives in a room above his parent's garage and we were both 15 when this happened. We drank about 10 stellas each in the space of about half an hour and got quite druink (like I say, I was younger then) we watched Vanilla Sky, which I summed up as "Tom Cruise wandering around like 'Oh! I haven't got a face! Let's flashback to when I did!'" and then Ben was sick. All over his sofa. And then his bed and floor. I fell over into it, and in the way you always gag when you come into contact with vom, I puked, but decided to do it out of the window as it would go down the drain and be gone forever. Even while drunk, this made sense. When I wake up (I'd put a blanket over the sofa's vomit, then covered myself in overalls instead of the more logical over way round) I rouse him and we start the clean up. Getting it off the floor takes about half an hour, we pour some water on the roof and try to get rid of the smell, but his mum's pretty sharp and has a go at both of us. Or rather, me for getting drunk but Ben only with supplying the drink, which was his story to this day, the cock. The vomit's still on there, even professional cleaners can't get rid of it,and it was put there in the middle of the hottest summer of the last ten years...

Then there was this new year, with a few friends at another mate's house. His mum supplied us with a bottle of whiskey and various beers and we had a few joints to warm up. All our friend Bitch could find was a pint glass, so when we're pouring out the first of the whiskey, he fills it to half and says that's his for the night. He'd forgotten we'd said we'd take whatever we poured in one- I thought I was brave for my large glass. He had a couple of sips, we laughed at him and left it alone. A few minutes later, we see him downing it and respect him for the first time ever. A half pint of whiskey into a 14 year old isn't a good combination though, we found him passed out with his head down the toilet, surrounded by bile. His mum found it just as funny as we did.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 11:12, Reply)
i broke myself
ok first i'm french.....sorry for grammatical mistakes
few months ago,I organized a party at my parents flat (bad idea!)
for the occasion I made a Jelly vodka with way 2much vodka...
I started a fight ,fell on the kitchen floor,opened my face ...there was jelly and blood everywhere and friends forced me to go 2 the hospital.
3 weeks later I still had this pain in my shoulder so friends forced me to take x-rays:i got a very nice fractured clavicle.
next time I will tell you why I love so much the song "too drunk too fuck" by Dead Kennedys :))
b3ta lover*
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 11:11, Reply)
Aaah the mystery
Not a story but many stories involve the following modes of transportation :

The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people and the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 11:05, Reply)
this has become known as the 'infamous vodka incident'
OK, so I hadn't had any food since breakfast apart from some hula hoops and a milky bar, and drank one of those half-size bottles of vodka in about 20 mins. These are the bits I remember.

1) managing to bet two of the girls a shot of vodka each that they wouldn't lick my dick. i lost, so that was definitely the high point of my evening.

2) my freinds bet me I wouldn't run outside naked into the road. this time i won. they shut the door of course, so i was out there for a bit.

2) chasing emma naked (me not her) round the lounge and trying to spank her.

3) puking on the lounge floor. being partially dressed by someone.

4) head balanced on edge of toilet bowl. apparently i was there for a couple of hours.

5) being put in bed with a naked dan. not fun. he tried to cuddle me in the night coz he thought i was a girl, so i had to elbow him.

was piss-ripped for ages over this one, but i just remind them that i don't give a fuck and I wasn't the one who licked my dick. I win!
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 11:04, Reply)
One Saturday evening when I was 15...
Mistake 1: Drinking about 1 1/2 litres of very strong Scrumpy.
Mistake 2: Being dared and succeeding to down-in-one a can of Skol 1080 that I consequently found was 3 years out of date.
Mistake 3: Being suitably pissed up at this point to think using ANOTHER bottle of out-of-date beer to make a Pot Noodle was a good idea.

I knew that I was getting rapidly drunk. I tried to do something about it. Nothing wanted to exit my stomach.

And so my friends walked me home. I remember everything faded out as I hit fresh air. I only remember snippets after this; the highlight being the fact I actually went into the front room and sat down with my parents watching TV. They asked if I'd been drinking, and I just nodded incoherently. They told me to go to bed and sleep it off, which I did.

Seems I did it fully clothed, as when I next awoke, I was being dragged out of bed by my dad as I was sliding about in a sea of Pot Noodle. I remember being held over the loo to get rid of the rest of it.

They had to strip me, and I'm told I started fighting them when I thought they were going to remove my boxers as well.

The hangover I had the following day was world-class. And my friend kept that empty 1080 can as a memento. He still has it 14 years later!
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 11:04, Reply)
i shagged a REALLY fat bird on my 20th Birthday.
Thing is.. she wasnt fat when i went to bed...

I woke up in the morning and rolled over and she looked at me and said.. "yep you shagged a fat bird".

(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 10:56, Reply)
my student flatmates stole a park bench from an old peoples home
Myself and another freind thought this was a bit rude, so after they had repainted it and cleaned it up, we took it back to the old peoples home in the middle of the night.

They must have been rather freaked out.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 10:55, Reply)
Mushrooms And Cider
1989/1990 village disco we usually drank cider (2 ltr Spar Strong Dry) but we had also discovered mushrooms and what better to wash down mushrooms than cider !!!! All got a bit mad really and after being freaked out by hearing Voodoo Ray on mushrooms I spent the night walking about the village. End of the night I went home, popped head round door and said goodnight to parents and ran for the stairs only to hear my mother call "Come and say goodnight, we have guests"
Ohh bollocks I really did have a very thin grip on reallity at this point so in I go and on the sofa is sat Aunty Caroline (or so I thought) so I bend over to kiss her goodnight fall over my own feet and as I plummet toward her realise that I have never met this woman in my life. Turned out to be some dutch friend of my parents who was quite impressed at my friendly welcome and obviously not averse to having young men launch themselves at her. Could have been worse at least I didnt shit/piss myself or puke, parents were less than impressed with my almighty spong eyes though ooops. So I went to bed and was harrased by a scary clown all night or was that just in my head ? Cider Mushrooms bad bad bad bad. But not quite as bad a cider, mushrooms, hash and lighter gas but thats another very sorry story.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 10:53, Reply)
boots pukebag...
One night I was seriously drunk on peach schnapps in ibiza. A friend helped me back to the apartment, and i managed to stagger to my bed. So i sat on the edge of the bed, leaned my forehead against the wall... picked up a boots carrier bag off the floor and put the handles over my ears like a horses feedbag.

For the next few hours i slept / puked / slept / puked etc. Then some point in the early morning I woke up with a large bag of puke around my face, and a huge red circle on my forehead where I had been leaning against the wall for the last 5 hours.

(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 10:49, Reply)
Ooooh! And then there was the time I drank 100% proof booze neat
Just to prove I was hard. Within half an hour I was demanding that everyone get naked, and then got naked myself, and jumped in a paddling pool in the garden, even though it was freezing cold and raining.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 10:49, Reply)
Party Raid!
way back in time at the wonderful Hertfordshire university Hatfield campus, one of the worst places I've ever been to in my life, a certain nameless Greek guy produced a bottle of Ouzo. This and my bright idea of Ouzo slammers, led to a night of consumption unsurpassed in my history. we raided a party upstairs and managed over the course of the night to steal the entire contents of the party alcohol table, this including many bottles of spirits and a huge bag of home brew. It took me three days in bed to recover and many more days to try and explain why there was a big bag of frozen booze in the freezer, why all the cutlery in our kitchen had gone missing, and why the Greek guy, who had also gone missing, had run around all night telling everyone that they had AIDS, one or two of them being girls he had slept with...
( as far as I know neither he or anyone he told actually had AIDS )

Needless to say we made quite a few enemies and lost one or two good friends that night.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 10:48, Reply)
Big Christmas party at school, aged 16
(Yes, it was a posh boarding type one), and the first time we could get away with drinking loads. So I started off on Special Brew, moved on to vodka, then wine, then scotch, then lager, then gin.
Come midnight I was paralytic, but no one could let on, because if anyone was found to have overindulged it would mean no more booze ever. Having passed out in a urinal, chucking my guts up, I was carried to my room (a hospital would have been more appropriate).
The vomiting continued for another 18 hours. My room-mate spent the entire night sitting up to make sure I didn't die.
In the morning he was sporting two black eyes and a severe nosebleed. Apparently I had got up at about 3am and demanded a cigarette - not a good idea with smoke detectors anywhere. He refused. I kicked the crap out of him, and then went back to sleep. He continued to sit up making sure I was OK.
I have no memory of this.
That went on a bit, and wasn't very interesting. Sorry.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 10:46, Reply)
Joys of growing up part 3
Remeber the idiotic parties you had when with parents away at 14,15,16 ? raiding the drinks cabinet and having no idea what the consequences of sharing that amount of booze with your mates will have ?

1 I went to once got that bad someone puked on the sofa in the lounge (and just turned over the cushions - didnt get noticed till parents got back),pissed in the kettle and shit in the washing machine.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 10:46, Reply)
house party in stamford hill
when i was 18, lots of cool london types. lots of stella and white wine causing major illness, I then pass out in the hallway.

the next morning I woke up to find that the hostess' ancient dog had relieved itself over my sleeping form, one of the worst things i've ever smelled. I had no choice but to continue wearing these clothes, as it had snowed outside.

on my walk to the station to get home, the disgusted looks I got from the hassidic jews on their way to synagogue were the most shaming thing in the world; I looked, and smelled, like a filthy tramp.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 10:45, Reply)
I hate being the only drunk person!
During one summer I went to visit a friend of mine who was having a baby. Her and her partner were having a small bbq in the back garden for some family and friends. It started out really well.
My friends partner is about 6'4" tall and I am about 4' 11", this still didn't stop me going drink for drink (very large Vodka sea breezes, with a good few gin and tonics thrown in)with him. After emptying the litre bottle of 50% proof vodka and half a litre of gin, I decided that it would be a great idea to go to sleep in my friends bath, only to be found singing Morrissey songs 30 mins later.
I then decided to get a taxi home.
I had to be fireman lifted to the taxi, which I then got to stop at about 100 yards from my house, as I had decided to walk! I paid the driver all of the money I had in my purse (about £60 for a £10 journey, then proceeded to fall over, grazing the one side of my body entirely and crawl all the way home, I must add that it was only about 8pm. I emptied the entire contents of my handbag on to the front lawn, left my keys in the door and the door wide open, my handbag outside. Marched up to bed fully clothed and shoed. My boyfriend at the time had to call his mom because I had apparently stopped breathing for a good while.
I woke up in the middle of the night, went to go to the toilet and walked in to the wardrobe, banged my head and just lay there for the rest of the night. Then next day I went to work still drunk and when asked what happened to my face I told them that I was attacked on the bus journey home the day before.
I do have some more stories, but too many people I know use this site and they might be upset. I have done some very bad things when drunk...........very bad...
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 10:44, Reply)
Home made Belarussian Vodka
During my 2nd charity mission to Chernobyl, our host families from the year before arranged a trip to the local beer (peevo) factory but informed us that that a big party had been arranged for that evening. After the tour we were shown into a room with a table of lots of different beers (lowest strength being 10%). Now to a bunch of geordies who had been cooped up in a minibus for 3 days travelling, this was heaven. Cue lots of drinking, eventually one of our hosts turned up and said it was time to go to the party. Arriving at the party, they introduced us to their latest batch of home made vodka. Russians love toasting so each of us in turn had to toast ourselves for bringing the medical aid for them. They then toasted us and on it went, next morning I awoke in an empty flat in a pile of what looked like purple papier mache. As my eyes came into focus I noticed the others all slumped in the same room. Feeling like absolute shite I went to see where I was, turned out we were in an empty flat next door to where the party had been held. To get us into the empty flat, our hosts had carried us onto the balcony and through a window into the empty flat. I went out onto the balcony and as the air hit me I felt my stomach contents moving, not knowing where the toilet was I vomited off the balcony, we were 7 floors up and I really hope nobody walked underneath at that time as it was a mixture of blood, vodka, and the afore mentioned purple stuff. This went on for a while which woke the rest of the group up. The tee totaller was able to tell some funny stories but apparently the purple stuff was pickled fish and I was stuffing it into my mouth as it was the nearest thing to me. I cannot stand the smell of or eating fish so this came as a shock to me. Our host then appeared and informed us our transport has arrived to take us to the local salt factory
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 10:43, Reply)
Joys of growing up part 2
I was living in prague and had a great flat just off wenceslas square. One evening at about 3 am after a few too many absinths (as you do) i came home to find that the building entry key isnt working (it had been a bit dodgy for a while) anymore. I try everything to open this lock, to no avail. SO i try rousing the other residents of the apartment block. to no avail despite shouting,screaming,ringing doorbells,etc.. So i think - what now ?

The stroke of genius I had at this point was to remember the building being refurbished on the other side of the block that I live in, I think - I can sneak through the nuilding site and go through the beer garden, up the fire escape and in through a window of my flat that I know is open.

Great - so I walk round the block to the site, and in a barely capable of standing up condition, seeing double,etc proceed to find my way through a maze of rusty metal, bricks, broken wood, scaffolding poles, etc etc with nothing but my trusty zippo lighter to see by. I made a lot of noise and by the time I had got through the site a guard dog in a neighbouring yard was going mental.

My beer garden at the back of my block is 2 levels higher than the back of this site, so I have to climb up scaffolding, without a ladder, then across the scaffolding to get to my yard. No sooner have i left the ground than the dog manages to free itself and is now below me on the building site jumping up and generally trying to eat me. I think fuck, what now - I cant go back (unless I kill the dog).. damn. I hope my window is open. So i continue clambering up and across the scaffolding.

Then I notice a subtle blue flashing reflecting off the surrounding walls. erm.. oh no. its the czech police, obviously checking up on the vandals/burglars messing around on the building site. I climb a bit faster, nearly slip. I can see a torch being used to navigate the inside of the site. I can see 2 torches. I can see a policeman with a gun. at this point adrenalin kicked in big time and im sure i ran up the scaffold spiderman stylee, up and over an 8 foot wall, up the fire escape (to the 3rd floor), in through a window and hiding in the corner of my apartment with a heart beating 5 times as fast as gabba.

I couldnt sleep for about 3 hours. but i never got caught. or died. got a tetanus shot though.
sorry for length.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 10:39, Reply)
How to upset your friends parents
Right ...imagine this.
You're a nice middle class family, with a lovely daughter. You've got a gorgeous house in a really nice seaside town in Devon, which you've just repainted bright white.
The afore mentioned daughter invites me down from Nottingham for a few days, most of this time is spent in the pubs drinking cider plus quite a lot of Rum & Blackcurrents.

To cut a long story short..... I wake up in the middle of the night, needing to puke. The nearest place I can find to vomit is out the bedroom window. I puke out the window & go back to sleep.

The next morning, I can't work out why there's such a frosty atmosphere at the breakfast table. ....until I go outside & see the bright purple "rum & black" puke stains right down the front of the freshly painted house!!!
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 10:34, Reply)
i wet the bed
over the bird i had just pulled. It was also her bed.

she was french though, so it all worked out really.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 10:32, Reply)
I went to see a band...
We were stood by the stage after they'd finished their first set. I'd been drinking all day so I was a bit wobbly to say the least. Anyway I was curious to see what effects pedals the band's guitarist was using so I leant across the stage to have a look.

Unfortunately as I leaned over, my pint leaned over too and spilled all over this array of rather expensive looking effects pedals. Obviously we all edged casually towards the back of the room so as not to get the blame.

When the band came out for their second set this poor guy's guitar sounded dreadful and they were virtually booed off stage.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 10:30, Reply)
My best mates new girlfriends birthday
Was the event.
I decided it would be nice to go and mingle with a bunch of my mates girlfriends friends at a party in a trendy bar in the city of london.

Turned out they were all pleasent stockbroker types with far more company credit cards than sense. I arrived at 18:00. It was free champagne till 20:00. Then we hit the range of colourful shooters and beers. Then I challenged the bar maid (an aussie) to make us challenging shooters. She joined us for one.
Proceeded to drink far too many shots and was at one point told by barmaid 'I think you have had enough now.'
Staggered to tube. Passed out.

Woke up in Seven sisters. In panic I charged out of the tube and into a wall. I remember someone stepping over me asking if I was allright. Then moved onto getting into the street and going to a taxi office.
The next thing I know I wake up screaming in a taxi swerving round the streets of north london. The taxi driver demands to know if I am drunk. Of course I am drunk. No, wait.

I've been poisoned!

It seems I tried to pay on my credit card, he refused. I then gave him my credit card and reeled off a pin number.

The next morning I awoke on my bedroom floor in a pool of drool. my jeans had been mostly taken off.

My wallet had been stripped of anything valuable.

When I phoned the credit card company I apparently tried to take out £500 on my credit card in cash, but got the wrong pin....
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 10:25, Reply)
double incontinence
is every bit as foul as it sounds. 21st birthday, almost literally blind drunk after a heady cocktail of caffreys, champagne, vodka, bundaberg rum and tequila (not all in the same glass, or at least I don't think so). yes, i soiled myself in the cab on the way home. i woke up on my floor (my mates wouldn't put me in bed for fear I'd roll off and/or die) stinking of shit.
nice, eh?
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 10:16, Reply)
The joys of growing up part 1 -
Round at a mates house - had a few tinnys - I seem to recall an excess of special brew that night. I slept in his lounge, on his sofa, and woke up to find I had a mouth full of puke. So I put my hand over my mouth and leapt up and ran for the bathroom upstairs. I hadnt got any further than the hallway of the house when another mouthful of savoury vomit decided to come up and join the other one in my mouth. Now my mouth isnt that big, and the hand over the front of my mouth produced a rather interesting prssure effect - which caused the puke to spray dramatically out the side of my mouth all over the wall, carpet and long haired pet alsatian that had until this point been quietly kipping in the hall. I continued to run upstairs, finished spewing my ring.
When I came downstairs I find my mate and his brother standing in the hall with a shaking, very disturbed looking puke (peas and carrots and everything) covered long haired alsatian between them, and a look of hatred in their eyes.
They said "I think you had better leave". So I did. They disowned me and I never saw them again.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 10:01, Reply)
'nuff said.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 10:00, Reply)

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