"How are you today?", from strangers on the phone
It throws me every single time. I can't stand it. Whether they're buying or selling, they say hello and then ask this completely insincere question, and wait for a reply, not actually giving a damn what that might be. Do they really want to know how I am? Why? What if I said "really shit, actually?" What would they do then? And what bloody business is it of theirs, anyway?

I know it's just phone custom; they don't care how I am at all and I'm not supposed to think they're interested, either. But it's a new thing, really, isn't it? People just called you and got on with things in the olden days- none of this pseudo-pally tele-foreplay fannying around, which seems suspiciously 'merkin to me.

One lady called me on an off day, when I really didn't want to tell a stranger "how I was", and I asked her after a strangled pause, how my wellbeing would be relevant to the upcoming conversation. She was unable to come up with a decent response. And my boss really got the shits with me, oddly enough.

If I am having to answer the phone and talk to strangers, I am likely not "fine, thankyou". Therefore you are not only wasting time by rudely asking how I am, but obliging me to either lie, or else inflict an unexpected litany of personal gripes upon you that I'm sure you had no real interest in. If you think that merely asking will make me like you more and give the impression that you care, and that you may therefore be worthy of better service or that I am more likely to buy something from you, I'm not fooled.

So don't.
(lonelybadger, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 7:50, 3 replies)

110%
as in
'he/she is giving it 110% at this cooking lark'
'I'm giving it 110% Mr. Cowell'
etc
makes me cringe a little every time I hear it.
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 7:35, 7 replies)

conflab
how about a chat?
(TROLLING AWAY living under a post ironic bridge, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 7:31, 1 reply)

Solutions opportunity
No. It's called a problem.
(sarcasmo needs more sleep, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 7:20, 6 replies)

Well, there seems to be an absence of a certain ornithological piece...
A headline regarding mass awareness of a certain avian variety...




I really can't stand that song, and now it's going to be in your heads too for the rest of the day, sorry!

/coat
(Roger Moore's Right Eyebrow saw your mum on chatroulette on, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 6:43, 6 replies)

"At the end of the day..."
Treat anyone who uses this one with a quick riposte of "it goes dark" and watch their train of thought spectacularly derail.
(Billy The Fish wants to gargle with Lucy Pinder's bath water, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 5:37, 4 replies)

ofcourse i love you.....
...As a friend.

dammit.
(The Ear-Trumpet Addicting is NOT a word., Tue 13 Apr 2010, 3:51, 1 reply)

bindun
office jargon

disseminate
aggreance
at this juncture
going forward
holistic
cradle to grave approach
pre-prepare (what?)
conversate
paradigm shift
and the worst one because it gets used so freely: close of play

Who writes this shit and more importantly why do we feel the need to repeat it?
(British Steel was participating in awesomeness on, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 3:03, 3 replies)

Where to begin...
"green" - for the love of Christ - if you take the bus, subway (tube), or carpool - you are doing your part. THose CFL lightbulbs - have mercury in them - how safe are they? It's not hard to save energy people. Common sense seems to have become an uncommon trait.

Al Gore - you pretentious fuck - lead by example. Move into a fucking Condo, and drive a damn Prius and take the train or commerical airlines. Having a house that is bigger than some small towns, doesnt look smart to me.

tranfat, sugar content, salt, etc - listen food police, I like fried food from time to time - let me make my own choices and let me deal with what happens to my body.

NOT everything is a damn conspriacy either.
(Subway Riding the rails underground, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 2:35, 3 replies)

In Australia we have a 'Labor Party'.
Illiterates. It's clearly spelled 'Conservative'.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 1:02, 3 replies)

Anybody have any phrases they do like?
My son when he was about 10 started doing what I called precise exaggeration.

"Well my (LEGO vehicle) is 3 million and 7 times better than yours."

"It's packed, there must be a million and two people in here."
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 0:57, Reply)

The Labour Party Manifesto.
Fucking self-serving, lie-spinning cunts.

Fuck them and the horse they rode in on.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Tue 13 Apr 2010, 0:38, 6 replies)

My brother
can't seem to say favourite and says frave-rit
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 0:27, 1 reply)

I use the word
'excellent' far too often along with 'great stuff' and I wish I didn't but I can't help it, it just pops out.

Someone: "We'll send an engineer round tomorrow afternoon"
Me: "Right, excellent"
Someone: "Thanks for calling"
Me: "Great stuff, thanks, bye"

I'm trying to get out of the habit of saying "I aren't" when I ought to say "I'm not".
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 0:22, 6 replies)

The use of the phrase "'Nuff said."
'Nuff said.
( Wanderer, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 0:01, Reply)

Righty-ho
1) The use of absolutely instead of yes. Four syllables where one will do quite nicely, thanks.

2) "For some reason". These three words set my teeth on edge more than any other, and I don't know why, it's completely irrational. Is more irritating if the "some" and "reason" sandwich an adjective such as "strange", "peculiar", or "unknown". Have no idea from where this stems.

3) "Hey-ho". Need I say more?

4) "Disgusting", when misused. £1.50 an hour in the car park is expensive, it certainly isn't disgusting. Someone shitting on your car from the tree you've parked under and then smearing it into the paintwork with their bare hands before licking them clean most certainly is.
( milkybarnick is calming down Boris on, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 23:29, 10 replies)

Rodent penises and feline testicles
I've gotten into the habit of saying "rat's cocks" when something annoys me, but my girlfriend really nags me about it, particularly when her parents are around, so now I usually say "Cat's rocks", which is more acceptable, apparently.
(suckfake Frisky biscuits, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 23:25, Reply)

I have a few...
"Not tonight. I have a headache".
"Sorry, I just don't swallow"
"No you can't put it in there".
"Well,i'll be sixteen in a week".
"No, I don't have any condoms either".
"I'm pretty sure I took the pill today".
"Sorry, I'm on the rag".
"If you have sex with me again once more while I'm sleeping I'm leaving you".
"What did you put in my drink?".
"I have a boyfriend, but my friend thinks you're cute" (then points at fat smiling slag in the corner).
"Thanks for the ride home, but you can't come in. My dad will kill me".
"Lets just be friends".
"Are you hard yet cos I'm kinda in a rush. Sex and the city is on in 5 minutes".
"I'm sorry things didn't work out for us. Would you mind giving me your mate Dave's number?".
"Ok I'm done. Are you going to be much longer". (Usually said mid-thrust while straining my muscles with my sex face an olympic athlete would be proud of).
"It's not you. It's me".
"I've missed my period".
"Wow, look at the time. I think I should go to bed now and you should head home".
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 23:12, Reply)

Fortuitous.
Fortuitous is not another way of saying fortunate. Fortuitous means by accident or by chance. Things can be fortuitous and bad.
(unclestinky, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 22:50, 3 replies)

Dasda
I used to work in a supermarket chain.. I worked on the petfood aisle.. Stacking pet food.. It was the crappiest job ever.. The worst part was the grocery dept 'huddle' where the recent sales and wastage stats were discussed.. And I quote... 'hello team! Are we ready for our huddle? Great! This week we have done really well! We sold 2 percent more grocery goods than last week... But we did produce a bit more waste than last week.. No one had any days off and you're all great... Now then... Lets go and display some veg for sale! And keep those aisles tidy! Off we go team!' I don't think that anyone in management had sussed out that anyone who stacked dog food from 8pm till 6am whilst being forced to listen to the punishment that is dasda fm really doesn't give a flying fuck at a twunting doughnut about sales stats and just wants to start on the 3 tonnes of bakers complete that are waiting in the stores... Face stabbings = appropriate really...
(bangthedrum, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 22:38, 1 reply)

Jesus, where to begin...
People that use or write "I would of", instead of "I would have" or the informal contraction "I would've".

FUCK, that makes me want to commit murder. Violent, horrible murder, possibly using a dictionary as some sort of giant wordy cudgel.
(square go, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 22:36, 6 replies)

Using the word 'reference' to start a phone call
You know, as in 'Reference our conversation last tuesday'.

It's acceptable to write that in a letter, or an email. But do not say it to me over the phone, please.

What's wrong with 'I'm calling about our conversation last Tuesday'? Why 'Reference'? Is that even gramatically correct?
(Flap Burger hasn't really got a burger made of flaps, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 22:35, 2 replies)

"I thought I'd just touch you"...
... chirped the insurance telesales person, a week after I'd kb'ed them for quoting me roughly twice as much as last year.

GET TO FUCK, I DO NOT WANT YOU TO TOUCH ME. TOUCHING PRIVILEGES ARE EXCLUSIVELY RESTRICTED TO MRS GORDONJCP.
(gordonjcp, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 22:22, Reply)

Last night was bare jokes!
What the fuck does that mean? The only bare jokes that I know of involve a punchline about big paws! Twats. Oh and last night wasn't carnage either.
(Dangerous Disco Trev Isn't my real name, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 22:21, 3 replies)

The three little words
is it in?
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 22:19, 1 reply)

Current economic climate
I heard this,in conversation,from a mouth breathing, moustache sporting Transit driving economic expert.
Whilst blowing off my 30 day invoice at 120 days+!

Apologies to Tranny drivers (im one too, SWB though, so length not an issue)
(shinypurplebit booked his tickets (yay) on, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 22:19, Reply)

People who can't pronounce "scones" properly
I'm not about to enlighten you.
(unclestinky, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 21:56, 17 replies)

Well done!!!!
Oh God how I *hate* it when my computer offers me 'congratulations!' for connecting to my wireless network or updating my anti-virus software. 'Congratulations' are for new babies, passed exams and the recently married. Particularly riling when the word chirps onto my screen after a protracted period of swearing and clicking refresh when the damn thing takes a disgracefully long time to load.
(HaHa!Snakes! was last seen on, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 21:53, 1 reply)

"Touch a customer"
What?
( Ennui loves you, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 21:43, Reply)