!!!!
A Northener rang the other day, asking if I had any substance.

But I was owt.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 23:51, 2 replies)

Actual Call Transcript..
Ah the call centre. Pit of eternal hell and place of my employment. Had this beauty today.

Me: Welcome to *****, my names Rogue, How can I help you?
Cunt: Do you hear this? (faint background hold music)
M: Yes. It sounds like our hold music.
C: Yeah it is. I've been on hold for the past half hour waiting for that last guy to come back. And this calls costing me money.
M: It's costing you double phoning me too..
C: Don't be sarcastic. Do you know who has me on hold?
M: Whats his name?
C: Eric.
M: Eric who?
C: I don't know.
M: What dept?
C: I don't know
M: What call centre?
C: I don't know.
M: What country?
C: I said I don't know!
M: Well pray tell me how the hell I'm supposed to know...

C then preceded to unleash a torrent of abuse for 5 minutes before promptly slamming down the phone. Didnt matter. It gave me 5 minutes peace to watch the Scotland game..

Apologies for lack of lulz but this is the sort of shit I deal with on a daily basis.

Oh and I know that Kenny Miller couldn't score in a brothel with a £50 note wrapped around his dick..
(RogueSpark Coming back to the surface, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 23:48, 9 replies)

Call Centres
Sometimes when I get a cold call, I try and answer evey question as succintly and simply as possible, but without lying.....

'Are you the owner of the household?'
'No'
'Can I speak to the house owner?'
'No'
'Is the house owner there?'
'No'
'Do you know when they are due back?'
'No'
'Do you know when I would be able to contact the homeowner?'
'No'
'Please can you give me the home owners name?'
'Yes'
'What is it then?'
'Hang on I'll look it up, I want to make sure I spell it all right for you'
..
'T.a.d.i.s.l.a.v.i.c. S.l.o.r.i.a.c.i.o.n.i.a.c' (**)
..
On about the third go they got it.
..
'Is Mr Sloriacioniac there?'
'No'
'Do you know when he will be back?'
'No'
'Are you related to Mr Sloriacioniac?'
'No'
'But you live in his property?'
'Yes'
'Er - how come'
'We rent'
*hangs up*


(**) - Not actual name, but approximate complexity
(Wankle-Rotary-Engine -pronounced 'Throat Wobbler Mangrove', Wed 9 Sep 2009, 23:47, Reply)

The Alzheimers Society called me today
but I wasn't, erm, ...
(ubergeekian, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 22:43, 1 reply)

A detective agency once cold-called me.
Stupid bastards had the wrong number. I wasn't Holmes.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Wed 9 Sep 2009, 22:30, Reply)

Somebody phoned me to see if I was an adverb related to location
But I wasn't "there".
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 21:21, 1 reply)

Someone called me about something
But I wasn't a thing that sounded like something related to the first something.

There's been some belting puns so far; I'd be lying if I said I wasn't giggling away. But please, can we stop this now; before anyone else has to gouge out their eyes?
( The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 21:15, 2 replies)

Somebody phoned me to see if I was a possessive pronoun
But I wasn't "their".
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 20:53, 1 reply)

I once got told off by an automated voice
Instead of the usual 'press one for accounts and press two for billing' it was actually a voice recognition thingiemajig.

So as i tried to get through to the department i wanted, only to be halted by a female robotic telephone voice with an American accent.

Female American Robot voice: 'Please say accounts or billing'

Me: 'Billing'

FARV: 'I'm sorry I do not recognise that word, please say accounts or billing'

Me: 'Billing'

FARV: 'I'm sorry I do not recognise that word, please say accounts or billing'

Me: *sigh* 'Billing'

FARV: 'I'm sorry I do not recognise that word, please say accounts or billing'

Me: 'Billing'

FARV: 'I'm sorry I do not recognise that word, please say accounts or billing'

Me: 'Fucking Billing'

FARV: 'I'm afraid we cannot direct you to our service, please redial later'

Me: .............. (speechless)

--

Basically because me accent did not work with the voice recognition system, i was denied access to the service. Why on earth would an English company use an American voice recognition software thingimajig?

Bastards
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 19:30, 2 replies)

oh for fuck's sake...
i had someone phone from a call centre asking if i was royal. But i wasn't th'heir
*i feel dirty*
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 9 Sep 2009, 19:14, Reply)

A man called yesterday asking about the smell from the bathroom
but i wasn't hum...
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 18:50, Reply)

my sweary friend
back in the day i worked at OneTel (now carphone warehouse) on the phone as a CSR. (customer service rep)

i have to say that it's the SYSTEM imposed by morons + human nature that makes customer service so utterly shit, not just the gormless plebs answering the phones. ie, it basically boils down to:

if you ram products down the throats of customers instead of addressing their problems. you get paid more.

if you fob customers off and get onto the next call asap all day, you get paid more.

we actually practiced lying as part of the training.
the whole thing was rotten starting of course with the overpaid clueless coked up morons running the whole mess.

but this is all beside the point.

the point being:

I had a very funny and charismatic friend in our 'team'
he was a Kiwi.

and he used to answer the phone like this:

"Fucking take your phone number on you're a cunt!"

but with skilful use of his NewZealand twang, the customer heard this:

"If I can take the phone number on your account"

brilliant
(L E T S G O "Stop buying into and spreading this shit", Wed 9 Sep 2009, 18:49, 3 replies)

Got a call from my a woman claiming that she was my mother
But I wasn't kin.
(Free pens 100, 101, 102 is still counting on, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 17:41, Reply)

Got a call from a company in Yorkshire this afternoon wondering if I was a basic unit of matter consisting of a dense, central nucleus surrounded by a cloud of negatively charged electrons
But I weren't atom.
( .Yeti., Wed 9 Sep 2009, 17:32, 2 replies)

The "Group 14 Elements Dehydration Company" called me earlier
to see if I could shrivel some lead, but my wife told them I wizen tin.

Do I win £5 for most tenuous pun?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 17:20, Reply)

A casting agency rang the other day, thinking I'd been in Alien and The Fifth Element
But I wasn't Holm.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 17:05, Reply)

Accidentally called a bestiality hotline in Kathmandu
It was the dial a llama.
( rofl harris, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 17:04, 5 replies)

A chinese restaurant rang the other day asking for a new chef
but I wasn't Hom
(TheColonel, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 17:01, 2 replies)

A man rang yesterday to ask if i was the unit of electrical impedence
but I wasn't ohm.
(TheColonel, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 16:54, 3 replies)

Directory Enquiries
When I was in Australia I used to use the payphone to call back home, usually late evening when pissed (phonebox was outside the pub) Being pissed I was also a bit forgetful and had trouble remembering the international dialling code and what digits not to dial. The directory service was one of those speech recognition things. The conversation went thus:

Machine: please state the name and suburb (something like that)
Me: Hippopotamus, England
Machine: Y'what cobber?
Me: Hippopotamus, England
Machine: Sorry mate, I can't understand your silly English accent. I'll put you through to Bruce.

I got put through to a real person and the conversation went something like this:

Operator: Hi, you're through to Bruce. I understand you're after a number for a Hippopotamus in England? (he sniggered a bit)
Me: Nope, not really.
Operator: I thought not. You don't get hippos in England. You get badgers though don't you?
*****brief chat about badgers follows here********
Operator: So to get back on track, what is the number you are after?
Me: Just the dialling code please
Operator: It's 0044 (is that right? I forget now).
Me: Thanks mate
Operator: No, thank you - that brightened up my evening.

I hangup, insert $2.00 (which lasts a suprising amount of time), call home and mumble hello to the folks.

Fast foward 1 week and repeat. I got the same operator. He remembered the call, was quite amused, and was most helpful once again.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 16:51, 7 replies)

Tried to order a curry last night
But all I got was the dahl tone
( rofl harris, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 16:44, 6 replies)

!!
I rang the swine flu helpline this morning.

But all I got was crackling.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 16:10, 6 replies)

9th of the 9th of the 9th...
I've been on 'light duties' at work (paramedic) for a while due to getting bashed by member of the public showing his gratitude for me treating his wife that he had beaten up.

So management put me into the emergency call centre for a while.
A totally different environment for me and a real eye opener.
Like most of my on road colleagues I tend to whinge about some of the crap they send us to, but the truth is that if the caller is insistent they can't refuse to send an ambulance for even the most minor of cases.

Examples of idiotic calls to the emergency number are many and varied, but my favourites included:
"I've got a really big zit on my bum"
"I just had a wank and my cum smells funny" (I reckon that caller was probably SpankyHanky)
"I need my leg massaged because I've got a cramp"
- and my personal favourite...
"Can you help me, I can't get an erection" (definitely not SpankyHanky...)

Anyway, emergency call centre workers are probably the cream of the crop given the stressful job they do and, as that most b3tans are in the UK, I thought it'd be nice to salute these 'behind the scenes' emergency workers given the date today.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 16:09, 10 replies)

AOHell
OK, I'll finally bite with my tale of woe.

Seeing as my first home broadband was with AOL I'll probably get little or no sympathy, but at the time it was a great deal, and it was uncapped.

Anyways, all was well for the first nine months, then I started getting disconnected randomly.

I would spend at least an hour every night (at premiuim rates) to their laughably title 'Help Centre', which in fact seemed to be a 12 year old Indian boy using a Question/Answer software to determine my problem. Everytime a solution was suggested, I'd have to hang up, try it, then have to ring back, go back through the automated system, to a different call centre jockey, explain everything again, and stop them when they got to the last solution that had failed.
The last solution offered me was that my processor was too loud and it was interferring with the broadband signal. I would have to buy a new processor. That was it.

After two weeks of this (and two weeks of dial-up) I decided I'd had enough and wanted to switch. All I had to do was get my MAC code.

After a hugely inflated wait, I finally got through to someone who seemed very reluctant to give me the code I needed to switch suppliers. After asking me complete a survey (which I refused to do), asking me if I would be interested in a different package (I wasn't) and so on it continued thusly:

HIM: Before I do that, sir, can I ask why you wish to cancel your contract?

ME: Because frankly, I have no faith in your technical support, who have cost me a great deal of money in phone calls, and I ended up resolving the problem myself.

HIM: I'm sorry to hear that. Is there anything we can do to help resolve this matter?

ME: You can refund my phone calls and give me the MAC code I asked for five minutes ago.

HIM: I'm afraid we cannot refund calls made to our phoneline.

ME: Can I have my MAC code then, please?

HIM: Before I do that, sir, can I ask if there are any other users of the broadband service in your household, sir?

ME: Yes, there's my partner.

HIM: And how does she (very presumptious) feel about you cancelling the AOL contract?

ME: (trying to keep my cool) It's none of her business.

HIM: I'm sorry?

ME: It's none of her business. The broadband is MY concern. I decide which service we use. I've decided I don't want to use AOL anymore, and this phone call is the final bit of icing on the cake. Now, can I please have my MAC code?

HIM: Yes sir. But beofre I do that, sir...

ME: MAC CODE.

HIM: Yes, sir, but...

ME: MAC CODE.

HIM: Yes, sir, but...

ME: Sir, I'm trying to stay calm. I'm ringing on a premium rate phone line costing god knows how much per minute for you to give me a MAC code. I'm not interested in anything you've got to say except the digits of the MAC code.

HIM: Yes, sir, but I need your email address.

ME: You're going to email it to me?

HIM: Yes, sir.

ME: You can't give it to me over the phone?

HIM: No sir. We need to email it tyo you.

ME: So why do I need to phone you?

HIM: So we can get your email address.

ME: (pause) [email protected]. Thank you. Goodbye.

(slams reciever down)
( Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 16:04, 6 replies)

(I'm not really)
Somebody phoned the other day to see if I was hiding my homosexuality.

But I was out.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 16:01, 2 replies)

One for the metal fans
Somebody phoned the other day to see if I had an atomic number of 50.

But I wasn't Tin.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 15:58, 3 replies)

I used to work for a bank call centre...
.... highlights include -

Cust - What happened to my fucking dole payment?! Why have you bastards stolen it?
Me - I have 8 separate withdrawls here from the local casino ATM last night which withdrew the full amount. Would that have been you sir?
Cust - Shit I knew I shouldn't have got drunk. (slightly more depressing was that I could see his payment include child benefit)

or

Cust - So I've spent the $10000 with my credit card... so do I just throw it in the bin now?
Me - Um, you can but you have to continue to make repayments.
Cust - Repayments?

or

Cust - why the hell is there thousands been withdrawn from my home loan????
Me - That would be the monthly interest charge.
Cust - what the fuck are you talking about?!! What charges???




I kid you not! I know banks are cunts but pleeeese don't make it any harder on yourself and learn to read and count to ten. And be nice to the person on the phone. It's not easy explaining rudimentary financials to morons all day and i was always happy to extend credit and clear cheques early for someone who was actually polite.
(Lissy, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 15:12, 4 replies)

Press one if you're a cunt
I've just tried to get a quote for car hire on a corporate account from Hertz and had to navigate one of those voice recognition menus, not easy when you sound, as I do, like a female version of Freddie Flintoff.

The automated woman actually told me off for not answering the questions properly. Then hung up on me.

Rebuked by a taped voice. Well that's me told...
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 14:55, 5 replies)

call to direct line yesterday
We got through a letter explaining that for next year, our insurance would cost £590. This seemed rather strange as last it was £350, so my dad phoned them up. He explained there no claims or anything so this was ridiculously high. They couldn't reduce it to £350, so it was reduced to £336! What?!?! Is there a scale of people who don't complain pay £590, who complain a bit pay £470, and complain a lot £336 or something? Then I felt he made a school boy error which really gets on my nerves "oh great, I've just spent this time having a go at you, making you do this for me, now please hold while I go upstairs, get my credit card, look through all of them to decide which I want to use before I finally get back to you" Aargh! At least get that sorted before you make the call!
(deadly_sinners, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 14:38, 1 reply)

!
A man rang yesterday to ask if I was a book.

But I wasn't a tome.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 14:10, 5 replies)