The Bill
Until recently and for my sins I used to watch the Bill on ITV with my wife every week.
In 2003 they introduced this a new WPC into the series, Honey Harmon, the blonde one who looks like she's been permanently power gooed.

So disgusted with her acting ability was I (and that's fucking saying something for The Bill), I wrote a disgusted email to the show's producers saying that when she's on screen it was like someone has thrown a chair into the set and who did she shag to get the role.

No response.

Then about a couple of months later I was taping the Bill as the wife was out and there was a panning shot across the office taking in the white boards in the background which have case information and suspects on it.

There was my name in big black letters with a ring around it in the middle of the whiteboard for a child sexual assault case! The bastards!
(Catchag "You know!....For Kids!", Thu 24 Feb 2005, 15:54, Reply)

I shagged Jasper Carrot's daughter on her parent's jeep bonnet
outside their villa in Menorca.

Thankfully she looks more like her mum. I know this because she came out to tell her daughter that she'd "had enough". Something I feel I was better positioned to judge.
( Jay, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 13:48, Reply)

Lenny Henry...
...lifted me on to an elephant when I was 6.

Lenny Henry is nice.

I asked my mum why he was made of chocolate.

He laughed and my mum went bright red.

Then the elephant had a poo and ruined the photo.
(PCheese, Tue 1 Mar 2005, 16:12, Reply)

Michaela Strachan: Nude Teenage Fantasy
When I was 19, I had the worst job in the world at Skegness Butlin's.

Think about that: Skegness. Butlin's.

Right, so anyway, one of my duties was standing by the side of the stage, pretending to enjoy the performance of whichever aging C-List celebrity was replaying their tired old act on stage, and hawking their wares: t-shirts, CDs, and so on.

After I had worked my way through the pulsating queue of punters fighting for the last Brotherhood of Man CD, I would take the money backstage and share it out with the talent: 75% to them, 15% to the house, and 10% to the light-fingered salesman. A simple, effective, and easily abused system.

In the heady late summer of '95, Michaela Strachan had secured the Wednesday night slot at the Broadway Showbar. To those of you who are either teenagers or Americans or, well, not me, I'd better explain that Michaela Strachan was a kids' TV presenter in the mid-eighties: the period of time in my life where I started to become a man and discover the wonders of self-love.

I'll be honest with you: she was shite. She sang a couple of songs and danced around, a bit of perfunctory audience participation and she was off. I wasn't run off my feet with the CD sales.

However, my disappointment at the lack of embezzlement opportunities was offset by the fact that I was ABOUT TO MEET MICHAELA STRACHAN!!!!

So I made my way backstage and, with my trademark tact, I barged into the dressing room.

Michaela Strachan was standing before me, naked and wet, fresh out of the shower, and, for a brief, almost imperceptible moment, she was perfect.

Of course, less than a second later, she was wrapped in a towel dressing gown and swearing at me but it was worth it.

I gave her my 10%. Slut.
(Greatest Bloke, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 16:16, Reply)

During World War II my granddad accidentally took a wrong turn in his Jeep and ended up liberating Holland. True story.

The Nazis had occupied a small town to use as their base of operations. One day granddad shows up when the Nazis are away and everyone runs into the streets cheering. Thinking that the whole army has arrived.

Ze Germans hear about British troops occupying the town, so they never come back.
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Fri 25 Feb 2005, 9:55, Reply)

Adam Rickett
I was beaten up by Adam Rickett in Nottingham.
(the ex-coronation street/gay popstar bloke)




well - it wasnt adam ricket.. it was a lookalike..







actually it wasnt even a lookalike - just someone we shouted ADAM RICKETT at..
(DrTchock reporting live from the White Chocolate Farm, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 13:23, Reply)

West end boy in a wankhole club in hastings
In the late 1990's I was casually supping my snakebite and black in a dive of a club in Hastings called the Crypt (which was the only 'clubbing' option for those without buckled shoes, a ben sherman shirt and a penchant for knifing people in arcades) when I saw Pet Shop Boys frontman Neil Tenant. This was a big deal in Hastings and a crowd soon formed around the aging homosexual pop icon. I promptly waded my way through the crowd to bask in his celebrity when a cunning but odd idea formed in my head. As he turned around to sign an autograph I slapped his baldpatch and ran off into the night.

For some reason I felt elated.
(a_monkey_spanker, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 13:01, Reply)

I shagged
The girl from that pop group Hanson
(dr-kill, Fri 25 Feb 2005, 22:51, Reply)

Anyone sad enough to
be watching channel 4's new series of 'Brat camp' may have noticed a girl called -redacted-. This particular individulal is a nasty peice of work, and going to school with her for two years is one of my few modest claims to fame. And now all the shit that the channel 4 forums won't let me show:

*Her real name is -redacted-, according to her passport, a copy of which one of my mates nicked from her bag when she pissed us all of. Yet the name on the school's register was ;

*She used to stuff her bra, prooved when her ex-boyfriend showed the entire 1st XI rugby team nude photos of her before the game against -redacted- college. We drew the match;

*She honestly thought for a long while she was black, her idiom changed accordingly up to the point where she would spurt such profanities as 'im gonna kick yo ass biatch' in a defined middle-england boarding school accent;

*No-one liked her, ever, not even her parents;

*She used to charge £20 for blowjobs down the woods, and a conspiracy even formed that teachers were taking advantage of this offer. later prooved to be bollocks, but the blowjob bit is true;

*Her nick-names have included frog-face, platypus, terry's chocolate orange, prick tease;

*In year 11 she had really bad facial hair and she was presented with a gillete sensor excell quatro (the best a man can get), which was hilarious, as the stubble on her face was visible at close range;

*She once inserted a tampon with 4 other people in the room. Sick bitch;

*She used to set off fire alarms at 2am in the morning (this is a boarding school remember), entirely on the motive of being able to run down, half naked to the fire assembly point, in front of every male member of the school;

*The schools she has been expelled from include -redacted-, where I knew her, and her name will forever live in infamy.

Yea, as I said, that was just the stuff I couldn't put on the C4 website, possibly because there are laws against it or something. This has mainly been for the amusement of the author.

Oh yeah, and I ordered steak at Rick Stein's resturant once when I was 8 and told the great man himself it was 'shit'.
(Mr. Beef studio gash stylist, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 21:18, Reply)

I locked eyes w/ PJP2
Was living by myself in a filthy apartment on Capitol Hill here in Denver when the Pope visited a few years ago for some youth conference. My apartment was two blocks away from the Catholic church where the Pope was staying. To commemorate the event, a free local paper provided instructions on how to fold one of its pages into a Pope hat (I believe the proper name is 'miter'), which I did, while eating lunch and drinking Sapporos at the Japanese bowl restaurant which was across the street from this church. Happened to walk outside, and into the crowd, wearing my Pope hat, and yelling at the top of my lungs, to no one in particular, "Look at me! I'm the Pope!" just as the motorcade was passing. The boisterous crowd of youthful Catholics quieted to cricket level and everyone was looking at me as the white limo drove by. And through the darkly tinted windows I could see John looking right at me with a somewhat dismayed, disapointed expression.
(3vilToast, Fri 25 Feb 2005, 1:26, Reply)

Haven't washed since
I showed Felicity Kendall how to use my bank's new ATM. She was so excited she grabbed my arm. It just made her complete loveliness even more complete.(sigh)
(Captain Spod, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 15:10, Reply)

Bare arse woe
On the way back from a football match in the West Midlands one Sunday evening several years ago, we all took turns to moon out of the car window as we crawled down the M1 towards London.

The victim of our moonage was none other than TV's Keith Chegwin who spent the best part of two hours stuck in a traffic jam staring at men's hairy bum cracks.

Within weeks he had split up with the luscious, pouting Maggie Philbin, hit the bottle and watched helplessly as his career hit the skids in the most disastrous manner possible.

I did that. I killed Cheggers Plays Pop and forced him to get his tackle out on Channel Five, thus changing the course of British history as we know it. I'm that famous.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 14:56, Reply)

I'm responible for making Coco Pops more chocolatey
in about 1987 I wrote to Kelloggs complaining that my seven year old child (I don't have any kids) was very upset because the coco pops never turned his milk chocolatey. I ended up sending an box of old coco pops back to them and after several months of correspondence and Kelloggs 'perfroming tests', they allegedly made Coco Pops something like 5% more chocolatey and I got ten pounds worth of vouchers.
( The Duke of Prunes, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 14:44, Reply)

Think you don't know me? Think again...
You know when you wake up in the morning after a night on the piss and it tastes like someone shit in your mouth?

That was me.
(bunny_333, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 13:19, Reply)

How to fail Physics
A chap whom I know of was in the 2nd year of his Physics degree at Cambridge. This is, of course, reason enough to hate him.

However, his tenure at Cambridge almost ended in indignity and infamy. Y'see, as is the wont of sponging students, he travelled everywhere by bike. And, as is the way with self-absorbed me-monkeys such as this fellow, he showed roughly the same consideration to other road users and pedestrians as was shown to the inhabitants of Fallujah by American gunships.

One day, whilst hurtling along the path by the banks of the Cam, he failed to notice a wheelchair turning in front of him.

I'll say that again; the idiotic gimboid didn't notice a FUCKING WHEELCHAIR. Whether this was because of the aforementioned lack of consideration, or because of a nazi-like hatred of the disabled, I never found out.

Anyway, the wheelchair was spilled over, and it's occupant was hurled toward the River Cam. As fortune would have it, the bodywronged chap stopped just short of his seemingly inevitable watery grave.

So my friend, after having been harangued by the lady accompanying the chap in the wheelchair, went to help him back into his chariot.

As he said later, "It's not every day that you come face to face with Dr Stephen Hawking mere moments after nearly causing his death..."
(Light, Wed 2 Mar 2005, 14:00, Reply)

I had an affair with Winona Ryder
well, sort of. 10 years ago I sat in a cafe in San Francisco, she was jogging by and smiled at me.
(acheta, Tue 1 Mar 2005, 18:57, Reply)

A few more
When i was but a wee small boy, I went off to butlins, and was taught to swim by Duncan Goodhew!!

A good few years ago I sat on the tube accross from Mat Lucas. This was still during the shooting stars time. The whole carridge was silent staring at one poor bloke.

But, saving the best till last. Walking down the road in London (just near Harods) Having a good chat to an old mate, paying no attention to the direction I'm going. When my spider senses started tingling informing me that I'm about to walk into a lamppost, i dodge out the way straight into some lanky ginger chap, who proplty falls to the ground like a sack of shit.

"Sorry Mate" I say going to help up the ginger.

It's at this point i see that it's acctually Chris Evans, with Will the producer guy from TFI just staring at me.

It's when i realise this i decide I don't want to touch him, and just walk off bursting into laughter

I floored Chris Evans!!! YAY WOO ME!!!
(tribal tiger, Tue 1 Mar 2005, 16:04, Reply)

I shot the sheriff.








_{But I didn't shoot the deputy.}
( MooCow_Byter, Sun 27 Feb 2005, 20:48, Reply)

ooo i have one!
I may ALREADY be the winner of 1 of 50 instant cash prizes in this months readers digest prize draw.
(well its not going to suck itself yadda yadda yadda, Fri 25 Feb 2005, 15:46, Reply)

Top ten tenuous claims to fame...
1. When I was 16 and working as a Saturday boy in Tescos I served Stephen Fry. He bought a ready meal lasagne, some bananas and got some change for the cigarette kiosk.

2. My dad plays on the postman pat theme tune - he is the bass player.

3. I once went out with a woman who was in Gong briefly in the late eighties after they were any good. She is credited on an album as airhead and said the line "I want a chocolate biscuit, you can't have one".

4. My mum went out with Dave Gilmour of Pink Floyd when they were both at school in Cambridge in about 1960. I used to see fizzling Sid Barret (also of Pink Floyd) wandered the streets of Cambridge dancing to the tunes in his head while I was growing up. Don't see him around any more :(

5. My room in University was the one previously occupied by Will Carling. The dissertation that he wrote for his degree was available in Durham University Library until people started checking it out just to laugh at the punctuation. You need special permission now.

6. Rory McGrath drinks in the Elm Tree pub in Cambridge. I took my friend there recently and he pissed Rory off by saying to him in a drunken manner "you're Rory McGrath!". I don't know why that pissed him off since he is Rory McGrath.

7. Three members of my girlfriend's family have almost run over Steven Hawking.

8. I have eaten cheese and biscuits round John Dankworth and Cleo Lane's house.

9. I once had a job selling programs and t-shirts for Des O'Connor outside his gigs. Des is a very nice man.

10. (This is the best one) Paul McCartney invited my Dad round to his house last year to play Elvis's double bass.
(dirtyhippy, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 14:47, Reply)

Time Team genitalia
I stood next to Tony Robinson in the toilets at an MTV party held at the old station building next to Temple Meads in Bristol back in the 90's. I remeber taking a really good look at his cock.

He noticed, nodded, did his shakes and walked off.

I wasn't perving or anything just never seen a celebrity's wreckage before.
(daddypigsaw Geddinthebackothevan!, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 14:47, Reply)

i once had to photoshop
halle berrys armpit, and smooth out the pit stubble. berry approved of my work on her pit. yay.
(hazey, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 12:59, Reply)

terry waite
on a services stop with a mate from work, who should disembark from one of the many coaches but good old terry waite.

he bought a coffee and sat on the table next to us.

my mate tells him not to get too close to the radiator.

terry leaves.
(davidblunkettsdogblankets, Wed 2 Mar 2005, 9:08, Reply)

second post fame
smaller woohoo!

my dad sacked mark owen and told him to "sod off and be a popstar".
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Feb 2005, 12:55, Reply)

I wrote to Scott Adams
about how I momentarily thought I'd got promoted.

He drew this cartoon, which (but for the words 'low-level lackey') is almost exactly how it happened in real life:



... which was nice: ridiculing my boss in front of millions of people worldwide.

(A couple of years later, it randomly showed up on last week's Computer Weekly)
( teedyay, Tue 1 Mar 2005, 19:25, Reply)

Dave Grohl punched me in the face.
Carling music festival 2002, i got right down the front for foo fighters' headlining set. once it was over, dave jumped off the stage to come n say 'allo chappies' to all the fans near the front. i grabbed his sleeve as he walked by, and asked him to punch me in the face. He did so. what a great guy!

If that's not enough, then the same festival, 2004, i hit rasmus' bassist in the eye with a ball of mud, and i hit 50-cent with a bottle of piss. Go me!
( Tu9 01100011011101010110111001110100, Tue 1 Mar 2005, 18:48, Reply)

I sucked...
...Bill Clinton's cock.






Still got the evidence to prove it.
(Monica Lewinski, Mon 28 Feb 2005, 14:27, Reply)

Spittle
Many years ago before he was a "sir", I was spat on by Ian McKellen.
(Aaron C Rescue, Sun 27 Feb 2005, 16:33, Reply)

jail time
Every man in my family except me has served at least 4 months in Doncaster Prison. I won't however. (I moved to Sheffield)
(lemmings, Sun 27 Feb 2005, 5:23, Reply)

I fisted Tim Curry.


See?
( Malchick, Sat 26 Feb 2005, 0:11, Reply)