This just in...
As some most nearly all of you will know, the lovely Jessie was killed in May.

As you can imagine, I had quite a bit of time off work afterwards. Four weeks, in fact, followed by a couple of weeks of only doing mornings, then a week of finishing at 2:30, before finally returning full time some seven weeks after the accident. I'd very much like to say at this point, my managers have been excellent: there have been days when I couldn't face going in, or have gone in and been totally distracted all day, or had to leave early, and they've totally supported me at all times.

Today though, I noticed a question on the staff forum on our intranet, from one of my colleagues:

"Dear HR. What is the point of a phased return to work? Surely you're either fit to work, or you're not. It seems very unfair that some people can come into work for a few hours and then go home, whereas we all have to work the hours we're contracted for."

Now, I don't know for a fact that this is directed at me; however I'm not aware of anyone else in the department who's done a phased return recently. I'm really feeling quite hurt - surprisingly so actually, as it's not even a particularly close colleague.

I'm not going to say anything to him, I don't feel up to it, and it may not even be about me... I'm just complaining here, is that okay?
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 18:04, 31 replies)

A bit of light relief... I didn't complain, but I could have done
Some of the posts about call-centres have reminded me:

Having a “girl’s name”, a couple of times I’ve phoned companies and hilarious mix-ups have ensued. This can be quite galling, as I’m sure you can imagine.

On one particular occasion though, I phoned O2 and was asked quite sternly “And are you authorised to speak on behalf of the account holder sir?”, to which I replied “I AM the account holder… I am Kerry”.

The reply made me laugh so much I really would have had to be a prize cunt to complain. Apologies for the ellipses - I’m trying to convey how hesitant she sounded:

“Oh I’m sorry sir. I saw ‘Kerry’ and assumed you’d be a… girl… Er, and now I’m… really hoping that you’re… not… a girl… with a really deep voice?”

:D


What is the plural of ellipsis? Thanks Juan Quar :)

(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 17:54, 11 replies)

Pedestrians: A complaint
As a cyclist in London pedestrians are the bane of my life.

Whenever I want to quickly scoot over a pedestrian crossing they just get in the way and generally make a nuisance of themselves.

Whenever I mount the curb to avoid a red light, I end up having to mow down at least two or three of the fuckers.

I was picking blood and bits of flesh out of the treads of my mountain bike for hours yesterday, and that's an unfair waste of a Sunday afternoon.

Small children do make excellent ramps though, so I don't mind them.
( rofl harris, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 17:10, 28 replies)

Top tip
Need to complain about the job centre (which will more than likely happen)?

Don't think they responded to your original letter in a timely manner (also quite likely)?

Simply write to them again. This time, however, include this as the finishing sentence:

'If I do not receive a response from yourselves concerning this matter within (insert relevant period of time here), I shall contact my MP concerning this matter.'
(williamthebloody, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 16:32, 3 replies)

Parking tickets
I have to say that I'm not very good at writing letters/emails of complaint as I tend to lose my patience and rant. However, my unorthodox style has paid off - so I guess they work as intended. Here's a recent one after I received a parking ticket:

03/05/2010

Hi,

Our company has had parking permits for a number of years now. Unfortunately I did not receive my renewed permit in time and so received a parking ticket on Thursday, 29/04. I was not in the office on Friday, but checked with the Office Manager who confirmed that we have not received the new permit.

I have just got off the phone to "Chanel" who suggested that I pay for parking today to avoid receiving another ticket. The only chance that I will have to return to the car is at lunchtime, and while I am happy to leave a note informing any attendant of the situation, frankly I do expect to have to pay for today or indeed Thursday’s ticket given that we have not received the annual permit through no fault of our own.

The PCN No for the existing ticket is: XXXXXXXXX served by Officer C04 My car is a black Renault Megane (not Honda Accord) registration number XXXX XXX


Regards,

@X|= w0nu!)

-------------------------------------------------------------

04/05/2010

Dear Mr w0nu!)

Contravention: 83 No Ticket
Penalty Charge Notice: XXXXXXXXX
Served on: 29/04/2010
Vehicle Registration: XXXXXX



Thank you for your recent email regarding the above Penalty Charge Notice, which I received on 3rd May 2010.

I have reviewed this case and I am satisfied that it was issued correctly. I can see from our records that we issued and posted out your permit by first class post on 21st April 2010. We cannot be held responsible for Royal Mail not delivering your post.

If you still have not received your permit by the time you receive this email please let me know and I will send a duplicate permit out in the post. I have also informed all my enforcement Officers not to issue a PCN to your vehicle until Friday 7th May 2010, when you should have your new permit on display.

After careful consideration, on this occasion this Penalty Charge Notice has been cancelled.


Yours sincerely,

Miss F Wooden
Parking Services

-------------------------------------------------------------

04/05/2010

Dear Miss Wooden,

Thank you. Please note that as yet the permit has not arrived. I fully appreciate that this is not your fault, but if you could send a duplicate then hopefully this one will be delivered.


Regards,

@X|=
-------------------------------------------------------------

06/05/2010

Dear Miss Wooden,

Please be aware that as yet we have not received a duplicate permit. Obviously this is of concern given that as of tomorrow my car will have open season declared on it by your Enforcement Officers.

Even more worrying is that they have not heeded your original cease fire period and I received another ticket yesterday. My vehicle has not gone any modifications or changes since your email and was written out by exactly the same officer as last time, C04. Are we to presume that he or she is acting as a rogue agent?

I trust that this latest ticket, XXXXXXXXXX, will be cancelled and that you instruct C04 to quell their overzealous ticketing ways before they do something reckless like ticket a cat or something.

In all seriousness though, if the permit has not arrived by tomorrow morning what should I do - invest in cammo netting?


Kind regards,

@x|= w0nu!)

-------------------------------------------------------------

06/05/2010

Dear w0nu!)

Contravention: 83 No Ticket
Penalty Charge Notice: XXXXXXXXXX
Served on: 04/05/2010
Vehicle Registration: XXXXXXX

Thank you for your recent email regarding the above Penalty Charge Notice, which I received on 6th May 2010.

I can confirm that I have cancelled the above PCN and apologise that it was issued. I have made sure all the CEO's are aware that your vehicle has a valid permit.

I can also confirm that I sent your permit out yesterday by first glass post. If you have not received it in the post tomorrow please let me know.


Yours sincerely,

Miss F Wooden

-------------------------------------------------------------

10/05/2010

Dear Miss Woodhouse,

Success! The permit has arrived - First Glass post is obviously the way forward.


Thank you,

@X|=
( @><|= w0nu!) or cunt to my friends, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 15:45, 7 replies)

Complaints about th'ambulance
Some complaints that in my career I have been in contact with or had related to me:

* Woman who was wondering if the ambulances cannot use their sirens when passing her house at the end of her street when she was on night shifts.

* Man who complained that the noise the ambulance heaters made was too loud.

* Woman who complained that her boyfriend's clothes had been "ruined" by the ambulance crew who "allowed him" to vomit over them when pissed.

* Bloke who complained that we did not come out when he phoned up to order some antibiotics.

* Bloke who complained about the fact that an ambulance crew were drinking tea outside a hospital when "I pay my taxes for them to be working. They're public servants." Knobber.

* A complaint about an ambulance car being parked on an estate on standby (waiting for a call.) Complaint is mainly due to the fact that the engine is running and "increasing pollution and the estate's carbon footprint."

* Woman complained because an ambulance was blocking a road when she needed to go to work (turns out it was because of a fatal RTC involving a 15 year old lad.) When she told the crew to move, they told her no, and to go away.

* Woman complained after demanding full names and home addresses of ambulance crew, who refused to give them!

* Complainant states that call taker took too long to identify where they were, despite the fact the caller did not know the address, postcode or area they were in, and were calling from a mobile. States that the call taker should "know every road that they cover, like cabbies do."

*Complainant states that "JS and S" at (an ambulance station)y have been humiliating her and her son and the local shop keepers. She also states that they have ordered goods for £500 on her account for Littlewoods catalogue. (It should be noted that staff records reveal that no staff of those names work at that station or for the service.)

Fuckwits, the lot of them!
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Mon 6 Sep 2010, 15:32, 12 replies)

carpet price.... wrong...
I recently purchased a carpet for my landing and stairs.
During the purchase, the young lady in the store itemised the bill...
Price of carpet....
Price of underlay....
Price of this that and the other....
Delivery....
and as it is being fitted it to a landing and stairs there's a £35 charge
You also have to pay the fitter separately.... it's more than usual because its stairs.

Bof : So what do you do for the £35?
Shop : Well it's a charge we apply because it's being fitted to stairs.
Bof : But what do you do for it?
Shop :
Bof : Let me get this straight... You are selling me a carpet, I pay the fitter to cut and install it, so what do you do for the £35?
Shop : Nothing I suppose, it's just a char..
Bof : Right, I am just about to walk out if the door because I'm not paying it
Shop : Emmm... I'll have a word with my manager

Shop : We won't charge you for it this time.
Bof : Too right you won't. Not only will you not charge me for it this time, but should there ever be any other time, you won't charge me it either.

Bloody cheek.
The girl in the store was really quite helpful and sympathetic, and I understand that she was only following instructions... but who the fuck do these people think that they are?

Best bit of calm complaining I've done in a long long time. I must be mellowing in my dottage.
(bof, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 15:23, 5 replies)

Pearosti
Helpine Drone: "Hello, welcome to O3 technical support. How can I help you?"

Carrot: "Yes, hello. My phone has stopped working. It turns on and turns itself off straight away."

HD "OK sir, I have the phone number 0791234567 here. Umm...you don't seem to be registered with us."

C "I know, this is my friend's phone."

HD "Oh. Um. OK. Can you call back using your own mobile?"

C "No, because it doesn't work."

HD "But we need you to be on your phone so we can run some checks on it."

C"Yeesss...but my phone doesn't work."

HD "So who's phone are you on?"

C (sigh)"As I said, my friend's phone."

HD "Can't you phone back using an O3 phone?"

C (urge to kill rising...riiiising). "No...I for some unknown reason, seem to be the only one of my friends who is twuntish enough to use your network, which believe me, will be something I will remedy VERY soon."

HD "Can I take your phone number then?"

C "Yes, it's 07987654321"

HD "That number doesn't seem to be registered with us either."

C "Yes. It. Is"

HD "Are you sure you are on the O3 network sir?"

C "OF COURSE I'M CUNTING WELL SURE. I HAVE BEEN WITH YOU SINCE YOU WERE CALLED FUCKING CELLNET."

HD "We were never called Cellnet. That was Vodafone I think you'll find sir."

C "NO IT WASN'T YOU WASTE OF SPERM! IT IS O3. I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL COME THERE AND SKULLFUCK YOU PERSONALLY"

HD "Oh whoops, yes... I've found you now."

C (calming down slightly). "Oh. Wonderful."

HD "OK sir, what I need you to do is go into the settings menu."

C "I can't. As I said, it doesn't turn on."

HD "No need to get angry sir. So are you saying that you can't turn it on at all?"

C "No...it does turn on, but it turns off straight away afterwards."

HD "Ah. I've never heard of that fault before. Is the battery charged?"

C "Yes, fully charged."

HD "Well I suggest you take it to your nearest O3 shop who will be able to look at it for you. Oh by the way, I notice you are eligible for an upgrade. We can steal your soul for another 18 months of abysmal service if you just hack of a limb sir?"

C "I would rather give oral pleasure to Norman Bates' mother."

You can, therefore, imagine my surprise when 5 days later a new phone turned up along with another 18 month contract. They must have a strange idea of what constitutes approval in Bangalore....

/length
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Mon 6 Sep 2010, 15:21, 2 replies)

Dear BMIBaby,
Can I please now have the full refund you are legally obliged to provide, by amongst other things the EU, for cancelling my family's flights during the Icelandic volcano brouhaha that you agreed to arrange within 'ten working days' many,many, many months ago. Oh, and while you are at it can you please pick up your phones, you know those funny things that sit on your desk and sporadically make a sort of chirruping or, some may say, a 'ringing' noise. This might enable us to resolve the issue...well it's that or a blunt force trauma to the back of your corporate head.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Mon 6 Sep 2010, 14:30, 8 replies)

Years ago
I owned a VW Corrado. The 2 litre one, not the VR6, but still a nice motor. It was 5 years old when I bought it, and it cost me 10 grand.

Three or four months after I bought it, I was taking it out for a spin, like you do. Going around a roundabout on top of the M4 motorway at about 50mph (below the 60 limit on that stretch), I hit a patch of oil on the road (which was wet anyway) and spun round like a top. The front end hit the barrier stopping me from going over the edge of the bridge and down onto the motorway, then bounced me backwards so the back end hit the bridge barrier on the other side, as the car spun all the while through about 720 degrees.

Miraculously, the car was still driveable (the lights even still worked, although the glass was shattered and the offside headlamp pointed almost vertically upwards). Shaken, I drove home.

I made the claim on my insurance, and since no other car was involved (and no witnesses around), the police weren't interested. The car wasn't legally good to go, you understand, just mechanically sound, with all the damage being to lights and body panels, rather than the chassis, steering or engine/gearbox. The insurers arranged for it to be taken to a local crash repair specialist. Let's call them Breastbrush's. (Swindon locals will know who I mean.)

I phoned Breastbrush's a couple of days later, and they told me the car had been taken away and that their assessment was that it was "beyond economic repair" i.e. they'd recommended a write-off, and the car had been taken away two days earlier. The insurers hadn't contacted me at all. So my property, seemingly only worth its scrap value though it might be, was now nowhere to be found, and certainly wasn't where the insurers had told me it was.

So I phoned them in high dudgeon, demanding to know what was going on and why they hadn't informed me of my claim's progress. It turned out they'd merely moved it to a different garage for a second opinion, which was also that the car should be written off, but they'd committed such a bungle on not keeping me informed that they agreed to repair the car anyway, take the cost on the chin.

So it was that I got my car back a month or so later, and got another 13 years of happy motoring out of it. (Until I pranged it last year by going into the back of someone while gawping at another accident that had happened only moments before at that very new junction, but that's another story. Nobody was hurt - I'm an idiot, not a bastard.)
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 14:06, Reply)

The ex once bought a 12-pack of Durex condoms
but one packet was empty - just flat, sealed, no nodder inside.

I posted the cardboard wrapper and empty packet back to Durex with a jokey letter, saying that we felt quite disappointed, having rather looked forward to that 12th shag!

Back came a seriously apologetic letter and enough johnnies to keep us out of Maternity for several years.

Show respect, kids, and you'll get respect back!
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 14:04, 1 reply)

Cyclists in London, as everyone knows, are above the law.
Traffic lights mean nothing to them, nor zebra crossings, nor any road markings.

One today, however, zipped past me on the pavement. In central.

Theoretically, since they've declared themselves beyond the law by behaving in such a way, I should be allowed to kill them for this.

I'd like to complain about the fact that cyclists are not yet forced by law to wear clothes featuring enormous bullseye targets on them for those of us wanting to perfect our aim.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 14:01, 50 replies)

Maggots! Corn! KFC! Bleurgh!
I used to work at KFC in Sheffield (on Ecclesall Road, fact fans).

One afternoon a customer came to my till brandishing a corn cobette and wearing an expression best described as perturbed. Well, that mixed with anger, revulsion and amazement.

"Excuse me" she said."Tha sees this cobette? Well, there's a maggot in it!"

I looked at it. I felt sick on her behalf. I thought long and hard about what I could say that wasn't going to result in our being sued, or, more importantly, wasn't going to take long.

"Look on the bright side!" I quipped. "At least it's not half a maggot!"

She laughed, I laughed, and I bought her off with a Vienetta.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Mon 6 Sep 2010, 13:38, 1 reply)

Southern Electric Gas Bill
Your Bill is based on ACTUAL readings, pay us £98

Fuck off I don't even have Gas in my house.
(TwinkleFuckingToes Has a ingrown toe nail, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 13:23, 8 replies)

Golddust's post below just reminded me of something.
Me and a mate hired a van for the day from the car hire company, Voyager. Hang on, not Voyager, that other ship from Star Trek, back in June. It had to be back the next day by 3pm.

We were back by 2:35pm or so. On Friday, they left a voicemail on my phone saying "There's an outstanding balance of £56, is it ok to charge it to this credit card number you left?" completely out of the blue, like.

I've yet to contact them because although it was hired in my name, they put it on my mate's card and I've yet to speak to him about it. And also, I'm trying to find the invoice so I can check if they're speaking bollocks and have cocked up or something.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 13:11, 1 reply)

Comet
I don't care if I didn't take out an extended warranty. A range-cooker breaking down after three years is NOT wear and tear. People buy cookers with the intention of them lasting 10 years or more and problem free with the exception of the internal light bulb needing to be changed perhaps.

Now, stop pissing me about and come fix the fucking thing.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 12:56, 4 replies)

For the last year, I have worked at the call centre of Northern Rock. We deal with a number of customers, from people who collect their dole money then gamble it immediately, to those who have millions invested with us.

I got a phone call one evening, and gave the usual spiel; Good Evening, name, account number please. It wasn't the usually call. The guy on the phone was quiet, his voice cracking due to the macabre tone in which he was talking. He gave me an account number, but explained he wasn't the account holder. He went into more detail. His cousin had been in Iraq, fighting alongside the British Army. It was his second month there, and an ambush occurred on his cousin's troop. Two of them were gunned down; one of them being his cousin.

The family were now trying to wrap up everything, but the deceased's father or immediately family were too distraught to do anything. But, accounts needed to be closed. So, they asked the cousin to do it. The cousin was who I was talking to. I went through the procedure with him. How we needed a copy of the death certificate, probate, etc. All legal fuddy duddy. The guy started to cry, but took deep breaths and thanked me for my help.

After the phone call, I needed a couple of minutes. I went to the break room, and got a glass of water. Eventually, I felt well enough to go back onto the phones.

The first call I took was quite a rich gentlemen, who sounded so disgusted on the phone.

"EXCUSE ME, I recently had a matured bond, and I think you've duped me out of £5 interest. You silly cretins can't do anything right. Can you PLEASE put me through to a manager immediately, for I wish to make this a formal complaint."

I hung up on him.
(__, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 12:31, 23 replies)

Mast problems
My grandad lived in a council bungalow that was just over the road from the council housing department offices. He would regularly be up there complaining about noise, or neighbours or his blocked toilet or whatever else had irritated him that day. One morning he noticed that there was a new mobile phone mast on the council offices and when he got home and put his feet up the bbc 2 reception on his television which had been perfect was now more snowy than a trip up Mount Everest. So he went over to complain. He sat and awaited his turn and was as polite as he could be about how this bloody aerial had ruined his bloody television and what where they going to bloody do about it. No one had told him about this bloody aerial being put up and it was a bloody disgrace how the council bloody carried on. (Can you guess his favorite swear word?) So the send over an engineer and someone from Orange or whatever company it is to try and sort this out . They spend a day looking at the TV and his aerial and the mast on the office building probably costing a fortune in terms of manpower, but at the end of the day there is no improvement in the television picture. Having spent half the day camped out in the housing departments reception area Grandad goes home.

That night Grandad sits down to watch something on BBC 1 and when it finishes the annoucer says "and apologies to views in our Anglia region who have suffered problems with the reception on BBC2 today. This has been due to transmitter works."
(lordofallhesurveys How appropriate you fight like a cow, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 12:28, 4 replies)

Courtesy car con
Freakmandu's post reminded me of an attempted (but thawted) con by a courtesy car company against me.

If you've ever had a courtesy car from an insurer you may have been fobbed off with a Corsa or similar from Birmingham based "1car1.com" who it seem send out teams in a minibus to deliver the car to your house when you're not there.

I ended up with their car for about a month following a bad accident where someone pulled out in front of me on a main road and promptly stopped in my path when I was doing the legal 60mph. Big ouch.

Anyway, after a month the other parties insurers settled with me and I bought a replacement car. I parked the courtesy one on my driveway right up to the house and informed the company they could collect it. After a week had gone by it was eventually collected and through the letterbox was a letter detailing the alleged damage to the car??? Astounding considering it had been fine all week. They claimed a large dent in the passenger door when a car had reversed into it and wanted a £500 excess!!!

I phoned and complained but they were having none of it since I had not been there in person to sign over an undamaged car they reckon they had me. Despite pointing out that to have dented the car in that manner while parked on my drive someone would have had to reverse over all my neighbours front gardens demolishing fences and flowers as they went. In other words the alleged damage had not in fact happened on my driveway and if the car was damaged it was at the hands of the person they sent to collect it. Interestingly any request for photos of the damaged vehicle went ignored.

Something of a standoff ensued between me and their "supervisor" over the cost for repairs. So much to my surprise I eventually said "well if you'd collected the car when I asked it wouldn't have been waiting a week and would be undamaged then. In fact, I think I'll charge you for storing the car for you. My charge is £100 per day for 6 days will be £600, so if you could send over payment for £100 we're all square.". "I see sir, well I see no point in pursuing this further, clearly we should have collected the car sooner.". That was the last I heard of it!
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 12:10, 3 replies)

Mixed Grill + Scourer
Im sat in a small cafe in Eldon Square (newcastle) with the missus to be, and order a mized grill. Plate comes, it all looks very tasty. Bit steak, some chicken, bacon, some sausages.... bit egg n that. Very nice I think to myself and tuck in.

Im saving the best bits for last so I've got some steak, egg and bacon lined up when I get a very unpleasant grinding sensation between my molars... I fish inside my mouth and find a small wiry piece of metal.

I'm gutted, I had been really really enjoying this and now I was going to have to tell the young girl behind the counter. The staff are mortified, and soon the chef comes to tell me he'd been cleaning the grill not long before and some of the scourer must have broken off. They offer to give me it half price and I happily accept.

Im later advised I shouldnt have had to pay but then I did eat *almost a full plate of meat and chips... thought half price was fair enough, at least it showed they cleaned up behind the scenes.



Another time I was at a fairly posh place down by the Quayside when my missus had a HUGE earwig in her strawberries and ice cream desert.... pretty much put me off mine too. They refunded us the the deserts, claiming the strawberries were "very fresh but had been washed". Yeah, so had that manky fucking earwig but we werent going to eat it....!
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 12:02, 2 replies)

Aweful bread flour, superb pizza dough!
My brother once bought some bread mix, to which you 'just add water', knead, let rise and then bake to make bread. Unfortunately it turned out more like pizza dough, so we used it to make pizzas with. He phoned the helpline/complaints number on the side of the packet, and left two messages. The first message was 'I bought some of your bread mix, and it was terrible. I was extremely disappointed to find that it turned out more like pizza dough.' The second message in an italian accent went, 'mama mia! Theees bread meeex makea the besta pizza dough in tha worlda! I wanna orda twenty kilograma for ma restauranta!'
(onelegout, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 12:01, 2 replies)

An open letter to various TV and movie production companies
We have seen Strange, Bottom, Charmed and the movies Up and Down. As a physics student, I am wondering why on Earth you haven't made a TV show/movie named after the remaining flavour of quark, Top. Get a move on.

SLVA
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 11:53, 6 replies)

Post Office Holiday Money Card = SHIT
The deal: Their holiday money card is shit, and it takes three weeks to get your cash refunded. Fucked off. Wrote a letter.

Edited version here, but full 12-inch version with added sarcasm, and a cut-out-and-keep PDF HERE

Dear The Post Office

So, The Business: We went on holiday to Spain this year, and - foolishly, I now realise - we believed your advertising and got hold of one of your Post Office® Travel Money Cards.

If only (and I blame myself for this woefully inept oversight) we read the pages and pages of poor reviews littering the internet.

Because when we arrived home with the best part of 400 Euros in our account, we were told by your helpless help line operators that it would take 15 working days to get a refund, and then, only after we receive a letter telling whoever-it-may-concern that we are entitled to retrieve our money.

That's fifteen working days, or 22 days in the real money.

Twenty-two days in which you task some learned scribe at a remote monastery to write a beautifully-illustrated letter of release on hand-made vellum, sealed with the wax from the very ears of St Julian of Norwich, before being sent on the Mail Coach to our residence in Dorset.

In these days of computer-based and internet banking where moneys are debited and credited to accounts at the touch of a button, why - in the name of Satan's wrinkled testes - does it take the Post Office® three weeks to give me back MY hard-earned blunt?

There has to be a perfectly logical explanation, and I wouldn't mind hearing it. Please use simile, obscure cultural references and Google Image Search to illustrate your reply within the next - God, I love irony - fifteen working days.

Be lucky.

Duck (Scary)
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 11:53, 3 replies)

I once complained about a "chocolate biscuit assortment", where some of the biscuits did not have chocolate on.
In my nice letter I said "whilst I understand you reserve the right to change the specification from that shown, I rather feel it is against the spirit of a Chocolate assortment to include non-chocolate biscuits".

They were very nice and sent me vouchers to get more biscuits.

Be nice to people when complaining, and sometimes they are nice back.
( Pope Shax XIII uses Visio for picture editing, does it show?, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 11:47, 1 reply)

Pigeons!
Hi,

I live at address removed, and the house is great, but for one small problem. Pigeons. They’re nesting on the chimney stack, and I can hear them in the morning, waking me up and depriving me of sleep! They’ve been bothering me for the best part of a month now, and it’s really starting to get to me. I’m slowly becoming convinced they’ve declared some kind of war against me- a columbid-based conspiracy, if you will. Please can you help me get rid of them before they peck away what shreds of sanity I have left?

Kind regards

jim_bob

As a post-script to this, the secretary of the local estate agents emailed me back advising to contact environmental health (outside of their remit). And suggested I may wish to borrow her son's wrist catapult.

The pigeons have since buggered off.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Mon 6 Sep 2010, 11:30, 3 replies)

Thick Policemen, Driving back from Cornwall
we pulled into Petrol station to fill up, my mate spilt petrol on his hand, washed it off (well thought he got it all off)left there pulled smack bang into a traffic jam, I lit a ciggarette and his hand went up in flames, nowhere to go he sticks his hand out the window and starts waving it about, behind us was a copper, he jumps out of his car and arrest's my mate, possession of a firearm....
(djgalaxe, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 11:02, 2 replies)

Try Before I Buy......
Working a 2nd jobpart time as a pizza delivery chimp for a well known franchise (similar to italian sauce on a bread base shed).

Mostly the public are friendly and gratefully receive their noms, sometimes even giving me a tip (thanks to those who do....). However sometimes I get the odd twunt who makes my shift a little more interesting.


I picked up a drop for a place last week, one of the phone girls comes over and says "oh you're taking that one, he was horrible on the phone. Said he wanted free stuff cos the food he ordered in January was cold cos the snow made the driver late". January!? he's only waited 9 months to complain then....?

Anyways I swap the bag for a piping hot one, just so I know the food cannot get cold on the way. I roll up at the door all smiles and am greeted by a sour looking man of perhaps 50/60....

"Giz the food"

I excuse myself and politely point out that I need paying first.

"Eh, giz the food I said"

Once more I instruct the gentleman that I cannot allow him to have it until funds have been issued into my cash register (pocket).

"Look son, I've had this before. Im not paying nowt till I've checked the fud is hot"

To which point I advise that the bag is fitted with a metal plate in the base, this keeps the food inside hot for up to 30 minutes. The journey to his residence only took 5 minutes.

"Nar nar, that doesnt mean the fud is hot tho does it"

I point out that heat rises from the element, permeating the boxes and food. Therefore keeping them hot until such time that boxes are removed or element cools.

"Look son, I'm not payin till I've had a taste"

The conversation has now taken on a level of nonsensicality that pushes me to challenge his position, a "pay or I'm away" if you like. Still smiling I point out that I couldnt really care either way if he pays or not, but if I go he will be the hungry party.

As the door closes I give a cheery goodbye and head back to base. An hour later we're tucking into his still hot pizza, while he is probably beating his family because they've lost the leaflet for Papa Daves/Nobinos*

Small victories for small people? very much so, but in the end I still got 80p for the "drop" and 2 slices of a deep pan pepperoni.


This man in his complaints "Did It Wrong".... he should have got a custom made pizza from his local supermarket for a fraction of the cost, guaranteed hot from your oven (results may vary).



*names changed :-)
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 11:00, 2 replies)

I'd like to complain about the deletion of the 'I complained about glass in my drink and then I kicked someone in the ribs' story.
There was a cracking cartoon in the replies :(
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 10:44, 9 replies)

Scissor
When I saw posters appearing for 'Tribfest':

www.tribfest.co.uk/

I was most excited and looked into buying tickets. However, when I was told it's a music festival (for fucking tribute bands at that) and features no girl-on-girl tribbing action WHATSOEVER, I was most disappointed.

More to the point, why would I pay £60 to go see tribute bands? I could go to various pubs and see them for free.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 10:40, 2 replies)