My son's mental
mostly because he's also my half-brother.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Thu 12 Jul 2007, 13:42, Reply)

My uncle thinks he's a cashew. I just think he's mental.
No... I mean nuts.
He think he's a nut. No a cashew and I think he's nuts.

HAHAHA! NOT REALLY IT'S A PUN.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Thu 12 Jul 2007, 13:32, Reply)

OK, it was me.
I'm the mean sexist b3tan who commented about rachelswipe reverse parking. I thought I'd better own up publicly as, quite frankly, I'm scared of what she'd do to me otherwise!

And I believe that by pleading guilty, the courts may look upon my misdemeanour less severely (and as rswipe's a lawyer....)

I now present my arse, so that disgruntled ladies can spank it.



(yes, I know it's not bare, but this is the B3ta QOTW, not rotten.com)
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 12 Jul 2007, 13:26, Reply)

Frankly, sir,

I find you Northerners extremely vulgar. But I admit that mere vulgarity cannot compare to the barbaric Southern practice of slave-owning.

Fie on your converted Victorian room sir. I have converted my mind!
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 12 Jul 2007, 12:52, Reply)

Forgot about this
A few months ago, I was sitting in the garden enjoying the sunshine, and I will admit that I wasn't 100% coherent after a day in the countryside taking photos and doing illegals. But I was happy in my little bubble and all was well.

Then along came my nan, who is mad as a sack of cats, with an absolute gem to mess my head around.

"Do you know, SugarSpunSister, I always think when I'm drinking water, that some of that water is probably dinosaur wee?"

I was rendered insensible. Bless her tiny, mad heart.
( SugarSpunSister Yeah, whatever, Thu 12 Jul 2007, 12:35, Reply)

My grandma had alzheimer's. By the end of her time on this earth,
she used to stand at her gate ranting at all the high school kids about eggs and how she knew 'it was them that was doing it' (when, in reality, no-one had ever egged her house), and regularly reported her car stolen to the police, when we had sold it several years earlier when she became unfit to drive.
( mcdoof fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, Thu 12 Jul 2007, 12:32, Reply)

Not all that mad...
Picking my girlfriend a little while ago from her grandmothers (who is exactly how you would imagine an eighty year old italian woman), I walk in only to be shouted at in italian by her grandmother. After ranting for a little bit she then says in english "You understand"? The family (while laughing) translated for me, I was being told off for letting my girlfriend leave the house while showing off too much cleavage.
As if I'm going to tell her to cover up more, I'm not brave enough.
(Danny_Rosh, Thu 12 Jul 2007, 12:25, Reply)

i really think i've lost the plot
so i'm just getting home last night, feeling like shit, when my best friend calls me in hysterics about her love life. she lives about 90 mins away so i got in the car and legged it over there.

as i parked up, my car (which is an automatic) didn't want to go into reverse. i looked down and there was a 5p coin stuck in the automatic gear lever. how the fuck had that happened? i turned the engine off, poked at it for a bit, managed to ram it into park, and then it stuck. no amount of gentle tugging, pleading or tears would move it out of park.

so in and amongst consoling my by now sodden and drunken friend, i had to call the AA. who told me my membership had expired about 30 days ago. the time limit for renewal? 28 days.

fucking fucking hell. i had to pay a new membership fee over the phone, which was well over £100. i was also panicking about being towed to "within 50 miles of home". i was more than 50 miles away. what would happen? would they dump me on the m40 at 3am??

when the AA man came out, the first thing he did... was to put his foot on the brake... meaning that the gearstick slid smoothly out of park. i had forgotten that i needed to put my foot on the brake to make the gearstick move. what a total cock. how do you forget that? it's like forgetting to breathe.

then the "very very nice man" used a pair of tweezers to pull out the coin. the whole thing took less than 30 seconds. and it cost me £121.

if i'm like this at 29, wtf will i be like by the time i'm 79??


EDIT: A PRIZE FOR THE FIRST B3TAN TO GUESS THE IDENTITY OF THE MEAN SNEAKY SEXIST B3TAN WHO SENT ME THE FOLLOWING RUDITY: "I'm actually most impressed that you were reverse parking in the first place"............... OUTRAGEOUS!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 12 Jul 2007, 10:43, Reply)

i was late...
because it was my day off.

yours sincerely
Ferris Bueller
( Gerbilinafishtank Gerbil in a fish tank...TURTLE POWER!, Thu 12 Jul 2007, 10:25, Reply)

OY!
Rumor has it that some shandy-drinking-Southern-nancyboys have been dissing Northeners.

Pack it in.

My dad didn't like Southeners either...

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 12 Jul 2007, 10:21, Reply)

my Family aren't crazy at all

in fact they're all like me. Pretty much exactly like me.

Signed,
Charles Manson.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 12 Jul 2007, 10:16, Reply)

Hmmm
My partner's grandparents always, ALWAYS refer to me as Ellie, and always have done. Ellie is not my name. Ellie is his parents' dog.

I don't think they dislike me, I think they're just a bit confused. As would I be if I thought my grandson was in a long term relationship with a dog, no doubt.
(clumsyeloquence is a girl, Thu 12 Jul 2007, 8:54, Reply)

Quite dull
Every fucker in both my ma n pa's sides of the family are all morally uptight cunts who could never be "crazy" even if they tried. Bunch of snobby cunts.
Me old dear, however, is as mad as a hatter. Many moons ago this always used to manifest itself in violence apart from when she flipped when driving. Then she drove like a demented speed demon. Fuckin' awesome as a kid. Used to expect her to ramp onto a forest track (lived in nowheresville) and for me old man to grab a map and shout instructions about the track layout ahead. Tops. Wasn't as much fun when she came screaming to a halt, stormed of and me old man went timidly after her to retrieve her a couple of hours later. Now she's just moody mad.

My bro lost his memory, an' all, a couple of years ago. Not so much mental as sad. Like a year zero for memories. He's fine now just got no recollection of people and therefore places previous to him losing his marbles and his brain shutting down. He's the only person in the world I could talk to about the fun of growing up with me mum and dad. We had some right laughs reminiscing.

Fucksocks






Ain't families great.
(Dellamorte Dellamore Fuck it all, fuck it up, fuck it., Thu 12 Jul 2007, 8:52, Reply)

Crazy Pubes
I spent FIVE years of my life rubbing my future-mother-in-laws PUBES into my FACE.

To explain, Mrs Haggisbreeder’s parents had recently split up, her mum left her man with the traditional family home and purchased a spanking new place in an attractive part of town.

It was a roomy 2 bedroom flat, so Mrs. Haggisbreeder and I didn’t waste any time in proffering our share of the mortgage for the extra room.

Mrs. Haggisbreeder’s mum was often on NHS late-shifts so, more often than not, many a party ensued.

After some time, I began to develop a reddish rash on my neck which eventually spread out across my entire face (until now, I always put this down to sheer alcoholism).

Now, I’m an organised type of person, I like everything to be ‘just so’.

So did everyone else.

We had an organised routine in the bathroom too.

Everybody would have their own toothbrush in their own space and so on....

But after five years of co-inhabiting with the old dear, we have a conversation like this:

Haggisbreeder: Someone replaced my razorblade today!

Mother in law: No, That was MY razorblade!

Haggisbreeder: Mine is the one in the middle, the Gillette-vibrating-triple-blade-job!

Mother in law: That’s the one I always use to shave my pussy.

Haggisbreeder: You’re KIDDING!

Mother in law: No.

Haggisbreeder: I’ve been shaving with the same razor as you for five years?

Mother in law: Yup!

Haggisbreeder: And you don’t find that weird?

Mother in law: Nope!

Isn't that truly crazy/weird?
(Haggisbreeder Was talking when he should have been listening on, Thu 12 Jul 2007, 1:44, Reply)

I love my son.....but!!!!
I really don't want to tell tales on my children but my 9 year old is hysterical somtimes.
We are currently moving rooms around and needing to lose some furniture. After deciding that a very out of date wall unit has to go he was telling my sister the military were going to take the unit from our house away.
She was a bit confused....understandibly, as was I until i realised we told him we'd call the Salvation Army to come for it!!!!

Well.....!!!!
('O' She's my rolemodel!, Thu 12 Jul 2007, 1:32, Reply)

Me dear old family
Well, my dad managed the fantastic feat of dropping me not just onto my head, oh no, but on my head onto broken glass when I was a nipper....I sat there and laughed a lot apparantly as blood poured from my forehead and my brother pissed himself with laughter as my dad nearly shat himself with panic. Said father no longer seems to recognise photos of me when young...he's not senile or anything. Just odd. So am I since the glass-head incident. He also completely misinterprets every accent he hears, which always leads to hilarity as he then mimics it totally wrong.

My mum once bought us baked beans in chocolate sauce, didn't want to waste it when we discovered it tasted like pestilence, so blended it up to make 'custard'. Not pleasant...similar stories with many other foods.

Come to think of it, my family isn't that mad. They just do mad things. Like forget my name all the time and lose false teeth in the fridge and dish washer.

Meh whaddaya want from me?
(Robbish is twitching & salivating like with myxomatosis, Thu 12 Jul 2007, 1:29, Reply)

Nana Lost
At one point, with myself, my sister and Mum homeless, we were offered a room at Nan's house for a while. This turned out to be the worst choice ever it seems. Nan was loopy in a very vindictive way, she seemed to crave power and control over all of us. Typical scenario involved her deliberately breaking or damaging some of her personal property then blaming it on either myself or my sister so that we could get beaten by her while Mum was at work......

Loopy, fucking loopy. Actually glad that she's dead to be honest - she managed to ruin mine and my sister's pre-teen years with violence......Mum never knew, and still doesn't....
(Douglost, Wed 11 Jul 2007, 23:15, Reply)

Great Aunt Anothercold1...
As mad as a sack of badgers. At a family funeral in January, quite a solemn affair after the death of the patriarch of the family (for this is usually when funerals occur following a death that is), the mad old mare, from across a crowded room of mourners, stands up and shouts to my dad "Fuckin' good beer this!" and sits back down. to stunned silence. And me and my brother wetting ourselves.
(anothercold1 likes a good bit of brisket., Wed 11 Jul 2007, 22:49, Reply)

Great Aunty Winnifred
once sewed herself into her cardigan - as she was obsessed with sewing nametags to clothing. she also liked shortbread...
(po po, Wed 11 Jul 2007, 21:41, Reply)

Not so much mad as unfortuanate
When I was in hospital with Hep B, my mother decided she couldn't tell the family it was contracted sexually, so she made up a whole drink problem for me, telling them I was a raging alcoholic. Just the thing you want to hear when you're bright yellow and cum Bird's Eye Custard.

Also, I hadn't seen my Gran in three years, and the first thing she did was sniff me and say, "you smell of smoke." Nice. Fuck you too, you wizzened old bitch.

And my Dad shot my rabbit when I was 11.

And my brother wonders why I don't attend many family parties. Not that he can talk now he's emigrated.
(badfox1 wonders who he's played by this episode on, Wed 11 Jul 2007, 19:44, Reply)

Me old mate's Gran
Called around to visit me "mate" (I type it like that because he was a bit of a prick) one night down his house, and he was acting the twat as per, and deliberately pissed about with a spectrum game I'd lent him (many MANY moons ago). His gran was around to visit him that night and saw him fecking about, so she went over to him to give him a mouthful of advice.

But when she leant over towards where "mate" was sitting and started giving him a row, a big lump of drool dribbled out of her mouth straight onto his hands, causing mate to flip out and me to piss myself laughing at them.

Guy's still a twunt though, not seen him in years thankfully.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 11 Jul 2007, 19:08, Reply)

One more story on me... kinda...
...well, okay, not so much a story as a chance to brag a little.

Check out what I did with the help of my girlfriend, the Lunatic Artist:









Note the big black fuzzy thing on the chair in the foreground. I think she's claimed her throne.

Yes, I was lunatic enough to turn a plain room into a Victorian library. Just wait until I steampunk the computer and put it in there...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 11 Jul 2007, 19:06, Reply)

It's definately me
I've come to the conclusion that I am the crazie in my family. I keep reading this weeks QOTW in the hope that it may become amusing.

I must be a few pence short of a quid as it still remains shite and isn't close to registering on my amusement scale, yet i keep on coming back to check.

I'm mad as box of socks I am.

Getting bitten on the forehead by a dog though, that raised a wee smile!
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Wed 11 Jul 2007, 17:11, Reply)

My sister got bitten by a dog
on the forehead

How do you get bitten on the forehead?

By all accounts the dog was hanging from it.
( WormuIus, Wed 11 Jul 2007, 16:05, Reply)

She "forgot"
My mother, bless her, is a trooper, shes not had it easy with her father dying when she was tiny her mother being incredibly ill all of my mothers life (shes a full chapter of crazy relatives herself which i shall get onto) and usually picking the wrong guy, including my father though the fella shes with now is a slice of fried gold, anyways this is about my mother the vegetarian.

Now shes an open minded veggie and didnt moan once when i said id prefer to eat meat and had no problem in cooking it for me (at the time this took place i was only about 11 maybe 12) but would never consider eating it herself, so there we are in the kitchen im doing whatever 11/12 year olds did at the beginning of the 90's and mother dearest is cooking me sunday dinner doing a small roast for me and gets it on her hands, without even a split second hesitation she brings her hand up to her mouth and eats a huge chunk of beef so when i asked what she was doing as she was vegetarian she replied with.................

"Oh yeah I forgot!"

On a side note Im now vegetarian and my girlfriends a militant one so god help me if i ever "forget"

My Gran (mothers mother) was a star until she sadly passed away in 2002 leading me to have my own nervous breakdown as she pretty much brought me up while my mother went out to work to provide for me and she was like a second mother to me (which i suppose grans are)she had heart condition, bad skin the works but refused to give up smoking and drinking even when she gained jaundice which i unfortunatley hadnt seen her for a few weeks and when i saw her with yellowed skin i thought it was a very bad sun tan and asked her where shed been on holiday to which she replied ward B10 cue me going red not yellow, all we needed was my grandfather to start getting jealous then we'd have had a full set of traffic lights in the kitchen.
Anyways as time went one she started getting a bit scatty to which i used for my own amusement.

It started with me moving her fridge magnets around that where always in a set position which progressed onto moving ornaments to see how long it would take for her to notice which in turn moved on to me taking stuff from her mantelpiece and putting it on ours so when she visited shes say she liked the object and that she had one at home but hadnt seen it for a while until it dawned on her due to my mother laughing and cue lots of swearing towards me which then moved onto me taking stuff from my house and leaving it there to see how long it would take then the final one which my mother was involved in was this.......

Furniture. Mother and I went for a visit and while we where there mom kept Gran talking in the kitchen while i proceeded to move the entire living room around, sofa, chairs, tv, sideboard the lot, after an hour Gran walks in to see her living room the exact opposite as to what it was when she last saw it, did she notice?...............did she bollocks she asked if i was okay on my own and why i looked so tired (i think moving over three tons of furniture on my own might have something to do with that).

Still she had the last laugh when it was her funeral, it had been raining heavily and I was leaning on the door to the hearse expecting to get out the other side but instead the driver opened the door with me leaning on it leaving me to fall out backwards into a bloody great puddle and having to sit through the service freezing cold and wet through.

Gran I salute you I couldnt have planned it better myself.
(Official Sarc, Wed 11 Jul 2007, 13:07, Reply)

Great Aunt Agnes
My Grandad's spinster sister, who'd always been a bit loopy, usually descended on us at Christmas, as spinster aunts are wont to do. What made her extra special was her choice in gifts.

One year, I got two yellow dusters.
Another, I got one of those beer homebrew kits - I was about eight at the time.
She also gave my mother a packet of cigarettes - not bad, considering my mother smokes - except she'd found these ciggies in the back of a cupboard, having kept them since the end of the second world war...

She was also the worst cook I have ever met in my life. She only ever cooked things til they were hot, so potatoes, meat etc were raw. She also once made a fruit jelly using the bloody jelly that oozed out of the Sunday roast, putting a bit of red food colouring and some tinned orange slices in.

Yum...
(dominocat opinions only valid until, Wed 11 Jul 2007, 12:26, Reply)

Hah haa!
My sister-in-law looks like Vicky Pollard

And she was kicked in the head by a horse
(Jugular, Wed 11 Jul 2007, 12:18, Reply)

Oh dear
My dad is a bit silly and sometimes acts like hes a little kid (hes 50).
He tries to act out adverts when they come on, for example, for the omega 3 advert where there's loads of different people saying it, he leans over and whispers in my ear, "omega 3".

He also farts ALOT.
Not only do they sound like either
a)A bomb has landed near by
or
b) a duck quacking
but they stink so bad...
That's not all, recently he has been walking into different rooms and farting there, then blaming it on my brother.
Sometimes he walks around the house with his belly out, then pretends he never did it.

As for my mother, well she's just a bit strange.
She got brought up a C of E and is now a nothing. But, she went through a phase of being a buddhist/spiritulist {sp?} whre not only did she go visting temples and took pictures, but went meditating on hills with a few of her friends.
Then she tried to make me into a Pagan (im a catholic, and my father's side are quite strict. they're italian.) by making me set up an 'altar' in my room to pray to the pagan gods/goddesses/whatever.
My father found out, went crazy.
It all went pear-shaped.

Then, through a dirty divorce (this was before the pagan stuff), my mum tried to kidnap me.

Oh the memories.
(I've got the clap has some cool sentence here, Wed 11 Jul 2007, 12:01, Reply)

Nanna Robbo
My dad's dad died before I was born, but Nanna Robbo soldiered on. She appears to have been the inspiration for Mrs Brady Old Lady, as she was the spit.

An 18 St+ brummy in a crimpolene dress, screw-on hats in racing green, ulcerated legs like kebabs, orthopedic shoes, toe nails and feet I'm still in therapy about (her toes bent at 45° outwards from her feet, like flippers), false teeth, farts like a haunted house door, a miserable bully, racist and homophobe.

She once rang me up whilst I was tripping and was on for an hour, full of self loathing and resentment, attempting to extracting more than a pound of flesh from her guilt trip, 'It's horrible growing old, don't grow old alone, woe, is me'.

Thing was, she was just so unpleasant to be around. None of us were ever foolish enough to stay around for xmas, so we'd do a quick present drop just before. She'd open the presents in front of us and just say 'these are horrible, you can take them back' regardless of what they were.

Every year till she died, we'd get the same presents, a roll of 10x20p pieces, a small diary with a horse on from Woolies, a tangerine, a walnut and a cadbury's faux stocking with a twix, mars and milky way. Till I was at uni.

She thought that you got electricity out of coal by squeezing it, and every time we went abroad she'd say 'don't drink the water, watch out for the natives'.

In her last year, her grandson (my son) was born - I'd been together with his mum for ten years, but we weren't married. Her health was failing, frequent visits to hospital etc. We thought it might be nice for her to see the continuation of her genes, the next generation, before she shuffled off.
"Nah", she said, "I don't want to see him."
Why?
"Because he's a bastard."
(Countryslicker, Wed 11 Jul 2007, 11:08, Reply)