Thee Temple Ov Psychick Youth
I spent a couple of weeks in the early 80's with a large group of people that followed Psychic TV and the enigmatic Genesis P'Orridge. All though they would probably like to think that they were actually a cult, or that they behaved in a remarkably esoteric manner and had a profound effect on my life they were just a bunch of nobheads and I really was just there for the free drugs and the naughty young ladies.

It was easy to listen to the inane babblings of some f*ckwad undergrad from Keele when your head is full of narcotics and you know you are very soon going to be doing naughty things to a beautiful French girl.

They were crap at spelling too.
(DrTugnut, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 14:01, Reply)

I belong to this weird organisation...
First thing every morning, from Monday to Friday, we are woken by the sound of alarms, & forced to leave the comfort of our beds in order to arrive at the meeting house.

Once inside the building, we queue in silence, waiting to place our offerings of coins into a machine which dishes out a foul brown liquid, which we must all drink in order to prepare ourselves for the day ahead.

We are then set a series of mind-numbing tasks to complete within strict deadlines. We are given meagre amounts of money in return for this.

Throughout the course of the day, we are called into a room, & given long & tedious sermons by our leader, who is known within our group as the "Boss".

We are expected to give praise to a collective of deities known as the "Directors". They are all seeing & all powerful. Disagreement with these deities is sure to result in excommunication from the group, with the banished being presented with a ceremonial document known as a "P45".
( Sylia Stingray is pilfering the biscuits on, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 14:00, Reply)

Level forty poo
A good friend of mine has always been a little on the unstable side, but somehow despite his deranged megalomania and manic-depressive tendencies has always managed to hold down a fairly good career and family life.

So I was to say the least a bit surprised when, about six years back, his mum & girlfriend contacted me to say they were a bit worried about him, as he’d got involved with a strange bunch of people in London who kept dragging him along to “seminars”, “weekend workshops”, “life courses” and various other loads of old bollocks which were draining his wallet pretty quickly – it clearly had the word Cult written all over it and they were becoming increasingly concerned at the gobbledegook he had begun to spout at great length.

They asked me if I wouldn’t mind helping the situation by, so to speak, going in after him and rescuing him. So I went for a beer & smoke with him and sure enough soon enough we got chatting about this organisation (the Landmark Forum) and he told me all about how wonderful it was, how they really helped people to improve their lives, become happier, how he realised now how empty his life had been, etc and fucking so on.

I remained straight faced and feigned a strong interest – even when he told me how they help people discover their unique talent and gift which they are able to share with the world – and how they’d helped him discover that his gift was - I jest not - being good at playing fucking video games.

A few weeks later I went along to one of these “seminars” with him, and I have seldom had such a whirlwind of emotions –astonishment, disbelief, pity for some poor suckers, and a huge amount of amusement.

They sat everyone in this hall where myself and the other obvious newcomers (wearing white badges with their names in BIG BLACK LETTERS) were tactically surrounded by the non-newcomers (gold badges, staring eyes, permanent shit-eating grins and nodding heads) – and one by one they got these gold-badged fools to take the stage and spout some old bollocks about how they hadn’t spoken to their dad for two years before they spent £2000 on the “discover your true self” course, blah blah quack quack wank wank wank.


After about 3 hours of this incessant tidal wave of brainwashing shite with no break for drinks, toilet, time to scratch your arse or nothing, they split the room up into smaller groups of about a dozen – two novices and ten cultos apiece. Each group then went into a smaller room where us newbies found ourselves immediately surrounded by a group of baying quacking acolytes employing staggeringly heavy-handed pressure sales tactics trying to force us into signing on the dotted line.

To be honest I felt in my element; I took pity on this poor little personality-void fella who was the other newbie in my group being cajoled into signing away his money and soul, so stood by his side and launched into an impassioned tirade to these fuckers about how it was an utter crock of shit delivering nothing except an obvious exercise in soul-destruction to rake in money for the shiny-toothed blonde-wigged Yank (natch) twat who headed the whole operation, and there was no way they were going to get their filthy claws into him.

This didn’t go down very well. Not very well at all.

One fella comes up to me, looked quite familiar as it happens, and started bleating you’re wrong, look at me, I used to live such a terrible life before I discovered the Landmark Forum, I’m now the perfect human being – AND I SHOULD KNOW – I USED TO BE THE KEYBOARD PLAYER IN LEVEL 42!!!! And it was. It really was him.

So I said maybe you were once, tell you what you are now though mate – you’re a fucking cunt.

In the hushed silence that followed, I heard a familiar chuckle behind me. I turned around, a little surprised to see the size of the hostile crowd that had gathered to see what the fuss was about, and there amongst it was my mate, laughing his arse off and walking towards me with his hand outstretched. Normal service had been resumed.

I took the terrified little novice by the arm and me, him and my newly-recovered mate left the building to a torrent of ill-will I have never encountered before or since. The last thing I heard from one of them was a terribly cry of “YOU’LL NEVER BE HAPPY!”

My mate turned round and shouted back “You’re pissed off, I’m laughing. Who’s the happy one you cunts?”
.
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 14:00, Reply)

Jehova's Witnesses
I was so bored one weekend that I invited some visiting Jehova's witnesses in for a chat. Four hours later it was getting dark, and they began to shift uncomfortably and glance at their watches as I continued to press them with questions about life, the universe and everything. Eventually they interrupted me to say that they really should be going.

About a month later I answered the door to a different couple and their faces fell, and they said "hello.. oh, er nothing" and walked off, so I must have gained some notoriety among the Bermondsey Jehova Massif.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 13:55, Reply)

Chick Publications
When I was a student in Northern Ireland we used to get deluged with religious nutter pamphlets, mostly along Christian themes but some of them were pretty rabid. One of our landlords was so 'in with God' that when we moved out of his house, my goth flatmate took down her Marilyn Monroe poster only to find a pamphlet about Mary Magdalen, Whore of Satan tucked behind it. It wasn't there when we moved in...

Anyway, I digress, one of my friends collected these religious pamphlets (including the amazing Ice Gritter Death, about someone who nearly lost his appendages in a grisly winter accident but found God instead) and was planning to write his English Literature dissertation on them. By far the looniest are the Chick cartoon brainwashing booklets which explain in badly drawn detail how D&D will turn you into a witch, or how Harry Potter is the evillest boy in the world etc. www.chick.com/default.asp

I was walking through Chicago last May (there for the day to appear on Oprah, another cult - and another story) when I passed a guy thrusting leaflets at everyone, with no takers. I did a quick double-take and realised he was a Chick-pusher, so turned back, smiling happily and said 'Brilliant! You're a nutter! Yes please!', took my pamphlet and moved swiftly on before his beaming smile at my positive reaction faded when he registered what I'd actually said...
(Hermioninny, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 13:38, Reply)

I am a Mormon
Some people think thats a cult (look up cult in a dictionary: a system of religious or spiritual beliefs) so i suppose in that sense we are. and so is every other religion on the face of the earth.

Everyone seems to think im a Cult myself, thats what i think they keep shouting at me anyway.
"Your a right Cult, you are!"

I suppose thats the price of fame..
(Soupy George Fear me!!!!!, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 13:33, Reply)

I use a Mac...
'Nuff said.
(Woodgie is back, but for how long?, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 13:29, Reply)

Jehova Smehova
A Few years ago, i answered the door to what looked like 2 extras from men in black. I instantly knew what they were going to say, so I just closed the door.

As there is glass in my door I could see that they were still there, and lo and fucking behold they pressed the doorbell again.

Now one of my hobbies is junior football and the day before we had been at a tournament, run by our club, as if by magic there was a loudhaler thing there, as I had used it the day before to announce games and other bits and bobs.

As all the thoughts of what I could say to the 2 said dressed men were going through my head, they pressed again, "ding dong" went the bell.

So I picked up the loudhaler opened the door at light speed and shouted with the haler on full volume

GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY DOOR YOU JESUS LOVING CUNTS.

They went.
(hoogie Original Cunt Horse Author, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 13:06, Reply)

Used to believe in UFOs
Not really a cult, but certainly a looney-fringe reality-denying load of old cobblers, so it's half way there.

BTW, did anyone else find Richard Dawkins' program "The Root of All Evil" absolutely spot-on?

BTW(2), looks like more people in Britain are stupider than I thought: news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/4648598.stm
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 13:01, Reply)

Almighty Zog
I started the Zogist religion, worshiping almighty Zog. Zog required nothing more than a shrine to be built to him in your attic, and a weekly offering of a stale cheese and onion crisp. A friend took up the religion too and we would both marvel at how Zog would apparently take the offerings we had left him. I suspect that Zog may have used rats or possibly squirrels as his earthly disciples and delivery service though.
(bedford van Shoddy Ideas, Shoddily Created, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 12:36, Reply)

I belong to a small cult of people
Who believe only in FACT
( M o D, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 12:29, Reply)

Spread the Jesus-Love
I was once dragged along to one of those happy clappy 'new chruch' style meetings as a kindness to a friend ("don't knock it til you've tried it" sort-of-a-thing). One of the activities that they got up to was a small group of them would drive around in a van and if they saw an unhappy-looking person they'd pull over, leap out of the back and give them a dose of God-Love.
Now, if you take the above sentence and replace "them" with "local thugs", "unhappy-looking person" with "student" and "dose of God-Love" with "severe beating with baseball bats" you'll have what was happening around my Uni at the time, so you'll understand that I wasn't impressed.
I wonder how many heart attacks they caused.
(Plyck, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 12:28, Reply)

Scientologists
My brother went to a self help class run by the scientologists. He scored a borderline psycotic so they sent to to a self help class. This was all well and good and his time keeping improved. He went to another meeting and met a pharmacology student who didn't believe that talking drugs would help medical problems. he started to worry.
The next week he called me with fear in his voice "they sat me down to watch a 20 minute promo - It was 2 hours long! They're everywhere! They've even got a fucking boat! An ocean liner!" He left after that and my dad had to stop my brothers "friends" from calling up all night.
(Jumper, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 12:16, Reply)

Once
I went to an Everquest meet.

And no, Branston pickle doesn't count at all. The vegetables are minged out. =Science.
(HawkerTyphoon, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 12:04, Reply)

Thanks Wascally Weasel
www.womanthouartgod.com/galleries/magick18.html
Woman Thou Art God - Woman Thou Art Magick Gallery

Fuckin mental bints!
(fannyface, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 11:58, Reply)

I am a Christian
and some people think christianity is a cult. but let me answer this question with another (which possibly more profound): Do the chunks in branston pickle count towards your 5-a-day?
( P3te "the Meat", Fri 27 Jan 2006, 11:58, Reply)

Scottish, Outer Hebrides and Montana Sheep Cult.
I wore a woolly hat to the Isle of Skye once. I was rather taken aback when every sheep i passed started worshipping me, baaing rythymically. turns out the hat I was wearing from the wool of Supreme Ovine Zephaniah who runs the Scottish, Outer Hebrides and Montana Sheep Cult. I took this situation to the Met once, I was laughed out by the Deputy Commissioner. However, I spotted a ring on his finger with a fluff of wool indicating his membership of SOHMP. We are going to be overrun soon. Already view how the world is gripped by bird flu as a result of disrespecting poultry for far too long. The Chickens are fighting back. If they join with the sheep, we're all screwed.

Run for your lives!!!!!
We can't run...
Fine, Saunter for your lives!!!!!
We don't know how to saunter...
Hmm, AMBLE for your lives!!!!!
I can't be bothered to amble.
(chrisdalby, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 11:55, Reply)

International so-called Church of Christ
Since someone else already pointed out the ICOC, I'll keep it short- 11 years in a pseudo Christian group that for years used to spout that only they were going to Heaven as only they followed the Bible exactly. (Of course, we tended to keep this to ourselves as it used to alientate prospective cult-members). Only after we "love-bombed" them good and hard did we go through the "studies" to convince them they had to join in order to get to God- about 50 well chosen scriptures (out of how many? 20,000?)
This church had (and to this day, still has) many "sold-out" believers who basically follow a basic American fundimentalist program, all the while tithing their pants off and getting new recrutes- the only way you're going to heaven , you know, so shut up, obey your leaders, and keep it growing.
Things got a bit bogged down a few years ago after the leader - Kip McKean- and his wife were "retired" after their marriage started to show considerable strain. Their kids didn't want to join the cult- a big no-no for any leader. And they stupidly had bragged about how the financial books were "always open", since we're so f***ing righteous.
Well, people finally got up the stones to say, "let's have a look at those books, please". *********Clampdown Time.*******

Sinse then the whole things been in free fall, with various factions- most cults go out with a whimper, not a bang
For me, it meant giving up drugs, some kinky sex, and pony up about $20 k per year. Ouch!! Only 11 years, though. Double Ouch!!!! I finally got kicked out when they preached that anybody who want's to continue with the financial investigations are not welcome. Thank You God!!
I'm currently glueing my life back together, but the process is a little like grieving- you don't realize what will happen when your entire social system gets pulled out from under you. Mucho anger and wierdness ensued for some time. Now it's just a bit (extra) red wine at dinner, begging the wife for a bit of the ordinary, and putting the extra 20K per annum into real estate.

Oh yeah, and not have to jump whenever those assholes said so, and now far fewer, but more real friends.
Thank you, Jesus. Amen
(water00boy, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 11:44, Reply)

Sweat
I tried to join a society that used to sit together in a hot room until they began to perspire heavily. However, they wouldn't let me in as I was not of Far Eastern origin.

They were known as the Sweaty Cultnips.
(stusut79, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 11:42, Reply)

Plyck, DarthDonsbal
Shame it's only a recognised religion via the census if it is seen being practised publically.

Though I do wonder what that would look like...
(onedotzero, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 11:32, Reply)

Pursued by Scientologists
Well... I had a lucky escape from them many years ago when I used to go to a kids' Saturday club. (Before you get any dodgy ideas, I was also a kid then, it was *that* long ago). We did all kinds of stuff, like playing football and things. And learning other stuff. Of course, fat unco-ordinated kids like me stayed indoors and learned about computers.

Then some guy started asking me some questions I didn't understand. So I excused myself and asked my Dad what this was about.

"Oh dear!" quoth my Dad, and we didn't go there any more. Apparently there were problems with Scientologists taking the place over later.

Then they tried it on me when I was at Uni.

This explains why I invited some Scientology recruiter to Foxtrot Oscar in town last week... Mrs God was slightly put out. I'll show her these posts and let her make up her own mind :)
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 11:29, Reply)

BULLMOOSE
Whilst I was was in year 10 at school (bout 1998/9) I made it my mission to preach the word of the Bullmoose around the school. The sign of the Bullmoose was to put your 2 hands as pointy horns on your head and charge around making the noise of a bull! It was great, the prophecy was that the Bullmoose (all powerful creator of life the universe and everything) would rise on the eve of the millenium to destroy all of the non believers and leave his followers behid to re-mould the earth as a monument to his greatness. There was the book of Bullmoose as well which detailed the teachings and prophecy of Bullmoose, in all there were about 50 people that would be running about with Bullmoose horns barging those heretics that did not believe into painful submission.

Needless to say, it never happened. But I still hope that one day..........
(Jimmy Large Is huffing Jenkem on, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 11:28, Reply)

a friend mine is a christian
that's a bit of a cult these days
( Admiral Drew Peacock is back, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 11:11, Reply)

Cults?
Total rubbish.

And then they start wars because "My invisible friend is better than your invisible friend"

Cheers

Edit - Just read some of the other stories and I didn't realise how truly evil some of the cults actually were. I mean, they sent you to *Luton*?
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 11:08, Reply)

Not a cult, honest...
This mate of mine got back in touch a couple of years back. Said he'd joined this new religious movement, no it's not a cult, yeah, they all live communally, and pray and meditatate every day and...

At this point he said "Oh fuck it, yes, I've joined a fucking cult. But they're really nice."

And they are: www.bahai.org

I mean, I can respect any cult that has a member who can talk that way about his faith...
( Argh-wrath ... is a very lame Glorantha joke, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 10:00, Reply)

The Holy Handkerchief
Where I used to live in South London I always used to get the cultish leaflets stuffed through my letterbox.

My favourite was The Holy Handkerchief (I still have it somewhere).

The senders claimed that at their meeting the Robes of the Apostles would return. After celebrating this miracle, the senders promised to cut up the robes and send a small handkerchief sized piece to any believer dumb..I mean devout enough to part with £20.

Almost as good as the leaflets for Sister Mary's "House of Psychic Heeling" that I used to get too. "Sister Mary can help you with curses, witchcraft, alcholism, demonic possession and immigration problems".

Now we shall read from the Book of Immigration, Chapter Four, Verse Two:

"Go forth into the land of Caanan but give the fixer £500 for a dodgy visa first"

For sheer scary, scary cultness look up a site called something like Woman thou art God. I particularly like the letters sent by disciple Kevin. Oh and it's a bit NSFW in a wobbly, scary mad old woman way. Hence I'm not looking it up at work to get the proper url.
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Fri 27 Jan 2006, 9:58, Reply)

His noodly addendages!
www.venganza.org/

Nuff said really.
(theneuroticpanda, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 9:51, Reply)

I joined a cult
where we are taught not to fear the reaper.
We're also encouraged to look out for blue oysters.
( Lightguy hail satan, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 9:08, Reply)

DarthDonsbal,
Star Wars counts as a cult only if you put "Jedi" as your religion on the census form.

As for me, I have a hard time choosing between "Neo-Celtic Techno-Pagan" or simply "Alchemist" - neither of which apply, but it's more fun than ticking the 'none' box.
(Plyck, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 8:52, Reply)

Arse!
I was approached at Poly many years ago, to join an after-college society, the name of which escapes me.
I fancied it, since I was keen on porking the female member who had invited me, and dutifully went along.
For the first 20 minutes of the meeting there was a guest speaker who talked about morals and being chaste.. (Only I thought he meant 'being chased' and spent 20 minutes giggling to myself until tears rolled down my face.... you really had to be there).
Then came the really weird part.. Everyone had to 'shake off their demons', and jump about in this really weird rhythmic dance they did.
I took one look at my quarry dancing about like an epileptic under a strobe light, and lost the urge to nob her.
I also lost the urge to stay in that room a moment longer and headed for the door.
A slightly fat dork stood in my way, and said "No-one leaves until the end". Had I not been a little frightened of this weird crap, I would've laughed, but I made do with connecting my knee with his testicles and walked over him to the door.
I never have and never will join a cult.. I am simply not that dependant on 'belonging' to get my kicks.
I arrived in the pub 15 minutes after my velocitous exit, and related the whole lot to my peers to much laughter.
(LunarJim, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 8:15, Reply)