Used to work in a corner shop...
In a very small town. The shop was owned by an Indian family who lived in a flat above it (this is important). Worked there for about two years (gods, why?) so I got to know who the troublemakers were after not too long.

(I have loads of these, I'll post more later)

One day, however, a couple of months before I left, this bloke wanders in who I've never seen before. (At this point I was only working Sundays, so I knew 90% of the people who came in and could probably predict when they'd come and what they'd buy)

Now this bloke is quite old, probably late 50's, early 60's, and looks a bit worse for wear. Nothing too unusual there, lots of people in that place do. Then I notice that he's talking to himself. Well, muttering. And looking around the shop in the same way a rabbit looks around a snakepit.

He stood in the doorway near the DVDs (for we rented them out) for a few minutes and then wandered off up the far isle in a ery shuffling way. (This being a very small shop, we only had two, seperated by sets of display shelves I could see over.) He stops occasionally, picks things up and then puts them back, muttering something incoherant the whole time.

By this point, I was starting to think maybe he was a bit mad. Not one to judge, I let him get on with it as he seemed harmless enough.

After walking the entire length of the shop and spending a over-long amount of time staring at the cakes, he purchases a Creme Egg. Which had been sitting on the counter.

He picked one up, slid it across the counter (They were on the opposite end to the till), and I scanned it in. He slid me a pound coin.

At this point I thought it would be worth explaining to him that Creme Eggs were on offer and he could get three for his pound instead of just one for about 50p. He just gave me a look as if I was mad.

I slid him his change and his Egg and he shuffled off, muttering to himself again. And I thought that was it.

Until about an hour later when he came back and repeated the whole thing. Right down to buying a single Creme Egg. Only this time as I gave him his change, he raised his voice so I could hear what he was muttering.

Dear god, that scared the crap out of me.

He was, by now, almost yelling about how "it wasn't my fault, the landlords out to get me, it wasn't my fault. What am I going to do now? I've got nowhere to go. nowhere to go. what do I do? It wasn't my fault" and similar, sounding, in all honesty, like a man possessed.

And then he seemed to notice I was there.

I was treated to another tirade about how it wasn't his fault etc, and then... THEN he asked if there was any room in my house.

This is NOT the sort of thing an 18 year old girl wants from a bloke like this.

Me: Uhm.... no....sorry...
Him: You sure?
Me: Yes....
Him: But what am I going to do?
M: I don't know... I'm sorry...
H: I've got nowhere to go... it wasn't my fault you know.
M: ....
H: What about them upstairs?
M: Uhm... I don't think they have, no...
H: What am i going to do? Do you know anywhere I could go?
M: No... maybe the police could help?

That really seemed to aggravate him. He started off into a rant about the police and how they'd say it was his fault and lock him up.

By now I was thinking "oh shit oh shit oh shit" and wishing I had a panic button. Or somebody else on the till. As it was, the button to get the attention of Them Upstairs was broken and they weren't there anyway.

Eventually, he got bored or forgot I was there and wandered away, clutching his creme egg and muttering to himself, leaving me stood there, pretty shaken.

At which point the owner of the shop came down the stairs and asked me what the bloke wanted.

Bastard.
(TuftyBee should have been working on, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 12:28, Reply)

Another call that resulted in the happy ‘brrrrrrrrrr’ of a dial tone…

As I’ve already said before, my nephew works at a call centre for a package holiday firm. Only yesterday he was telling me about the caller who asked, then demanded, then begged, for a toaster to be supplied in his hotel room. When asked what the necessity was, the caller sobbed ‘It’s for medical reasons’

Nephew: "!"

*clunk* ‘Brrrrrrrr’...
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 9 Sep 2008, 12:27, Reply)

Dumb things customers say. Part Six
"Do you sell x?"
"No sorry we don't"
"But they said in Boots that you do"
"Well we don't"
"Are you sure? Boots said you do."

In my mind: "cunt off you cunting cunt. Do you think that someone in Boots knows what we sell better than someone who works here'

"No we don't. Try Superdrug"
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Tue 9 Sep 2008, 12:25, Reply)

MIDDLE!
Yes, (probably)
already regrets what I've done
(bugboybeast, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 12:22, Reply)

Dumb things customers say. Part Five
'Are you open today?'
Said when phoning the store on a bank holiday or Sunday.
No we're not open I just come in and answer the phone for laughs.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Tue 9 Sep 2008, 12:20, 1 reply)

Dumb things customers say. Part Four
'I can get x item up the road for £50 less than here'
'Well sounds like a good offer, I suggest you go there'
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Tue 9 Sep 2008, 12:01, Reply)

Define Irony

I used to work for an IT Helpdesk which supported the Home Office, I once had a gentleman complaining about the service he had received from the previous helpdesk monkey… he utters the immortal lines

“I pay your wages you know, you should be grateful and sort out my problem….”

Coming for a civil servant of all people…
(HungOver, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 11:57, 4 replies)

Not a customer from hell...just an idiot or 2
I work in a voice-over recording studio and one of the services we provide is recording on-hold messages for companies (...Please continue to hold. We really value your call.... that sort of thing). To go along with this we also supply either CD players or mp3 players to host the on-hold message.

I took a phone call one day that went something like this...


Me: Hello how can I help you

1st man: Hello. I work for (insert major blue chip company name here) and we're buying an mp3 player from you for our on hold system. Can you tell me what kind of files that uses?

Me: errr...? MP3s. (thinks -Is this a trick question?)

1st man: Hmmph..(lots of I don't understand oos and ahs)...just a minute.

(sounds of phone being passed to someone else)

2nd man: Hello. I'm buying an mp3 player from you and need to know what kind of files it plays...

(Sounds of me repeatedly banging my head on my desk).........
(beer, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 11:55, 1 reply)

"Has my giro been sent out?"
Not really a customer from hell; more a tale tinged with a whiff of tragedy and a slight case of ‘oh, for fuck’s sake, not again’.

DSS Income Support section, mid 1990s. At around 9:30, a phone rings. Colleague picks it up. “Hello, Income Support section, how can I help? *Brief pause* Ah, I see, yes, I’ll just check to see if it has gone out, can I take the National Insurance number please? Yes. Yes. Uh-huh. OK, let’s have a look. Yes, the giro went out yesterday, you should receive it in no later than 3 working days, but it’ll probably be there tomorrow. That’s no problem. You’re welcome. Goodbye.”

A bit later another phone rings on a different part of the section. Another colleague picks it up. “Hello – oh, you were just wondering if you’re giro had been sent out? I’ll just check. National Insurance number please? Yes. Uh-huh. Yep. Yep, got that, two seconds please *tappity tap tap tap onto keyboard* Yes, it went out yesterday, you’ll probably get it tomorrow, but we have to wait three working days. Yes, that’s right. You’re welcome. Bye”.

A few minutes later, another phone rings, and another colleague picks up. Similar conversation ensues. Call ends. Then the phone rings again, and the original colleague picks up again. “Oh, hello, Mr Wibble, what can I do for you now? Yes, that’s right I spoke to you before. Yes, your giro has gone out, as I said, you’ll probably get it tomorrow, but you need to wait three days. We seem to be getting a few of these today; can I check your address please? Yes, that's the address we have. That’s OK. Bye”.

Colleague turns to the rest of us “Eeh, bless, that was Mr Wibble on again asking about his giro, the poor bloke must be getting confused; he’d forgotten that he’d spoken to me 15 minutes ago”.

Another colleague pipes up “Hang on, I just spoke to Mr Wibble, about the same thing”.

“And me.”

Phone rings again. We look at each other. “I’ll get this”, volunteers one phone monkey. “Hello, Income Support. Oh, hello Mr Wibble. Yes, I’ll just check if your giro has gone out… yes, went yesterday. That’s no problem. You’re welcome. Goodbye now”.

Just then the computer system crashes (a result, we later found out, of roadworks slicing through a cable). Thirty seconds later the phone rings. I pick up. “Hello Income Support, I’m afraid our computer system has gone down so… oh, Mr Wibble, hello. Yes, your giro has gone out. Yesterday, Yes. OK. Goodbye.” *Click*

Colleagues in the office are laughing a bit by this point. Phone rings again, another colleague answers… well, you get the picture…

This carried on all day; the bloke must have rang about 70 times asking if his giro had been sent out. Eventually we got the visiting officer to go out and see him as a matter of urgency, and managed to get him to appoint someone to deal with his affairs for him as he was clearly not capable himself. It started off being quite funny, after a while it just got a bit tragic, the poor bloke.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 9 Sep 2008, 11:48, Reply)

I once ran my own small business…

and had to regularly put up with a drizzly shower of complaining, loose-toothed plebites. They were constantly griping about one thing or another, despite the fact that my trade was rather…erm…’specialised’.

The only products I sold were tailor-made-to order, ladies & gent’s fake afro wigs (for use at 70’s parties, or whatever floated their respective ‘afro-requirement’ boat – it wasn’t for me to judge).

My ‘His and Hers’ collection was a particular favourite of many, but there always seemed to be some cockswill who would find a way to complain…ignoring the hard work, effort and hand-made-with-love-ness that I put into each and every delightful ‘fro…

Despite my excellent products, top service and cheery nature, they never failed to find something to pick holes in…the whinging buckets of cuntspit.

I remember the moaning, potato-headed moo-cow who insisted that I made a ‘His & Hers’ collection one afternoon; and when I informed her that such quality merchandise would take 2 weeks to make, proceeded to fly into a purple-faced, fist-waving rage, insisting that I had to make them immediately because her party was the next day!

Well, not wanting to disappoint, I spent all night working on them…and they were masterpieces. I even named them after my favourite celebs that sported afros, ‘Sam’ (After Samuel L. Jackson) and ‘Mel’ (after Mel B from the Spice Girls).

First thing the next morning the hideous old trollop was there…beating on my door and shouting for her goods. When I let her in and proudly showed her the fruits of my labour, she tutted derisively, before literally throwing ‘Sam’ at my face and saying that she would only pay for the other one. What a fucking bitch!

I knew there and then that I had to give up the business, and dealing with the general public, for ever.

Yet despite my sadness, as she waddled out of the door, I still felt a twinge of satisfaction, knowing that when she went to the party, everybody would be talking about my…

…

Custom ‘Hers’ ‘fro, ‘Mel’



Aw, I know it’s still early…but I just can’t think of anything else
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 9 Sep 2008, 11:46, 5 replies)

The Righteous Disabled
So there I am, manning the entrance gate till to one of Cornwall's many (many) tourist attractions, and this particular Customer From Hell arrives.

Me [Looking into car]: OK, so that's two adults and two children?

Her: Yes

Me: Of course, that's Family Ticket 2 - £25

Her [Slightly shocked]: But one of my children is disabled!

Me: I don't believe we do disabled discount, but I can check for you if you want.

Her: Well you should do a discount. Everywhere does.

Me: Well - all customers use the same resources so it's fair that all customers should pay the same price. I'll phone to check anyway.

***Call Info Desk***
Me: What discount can we do for disabled children?

*Info desk tell me to give her half price on the child to hopefully placate her.*

***End Call***

Me: Ok - I can give you half price on the child.

Her: What about me! I'm a carer!

Me: I'm sorry, carers pay full price. You also can't use the discount with the family ticket as that's already an offer. The new price is £24.15.

Her: WHAT!? You're giving me 75p off!? That's outrageous! [The woman can't do maths]

Me: Err...85p.

***After the last comment she lost it completely***

Her: YOU'RE NOT LIVING IN THE REAL WORLD. THIS IS DISGRACEFUL [etc]. WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

Me: Hawk - would you like to write it down?

***At this point she decides on taking the original offer, stupid cow***



=============================

It's my first time, but be rough, I like it that way.
(Hawk, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 11:45, Reply)

Call centres
I worked in a call centre for a major online advertiser for a 6 month temp contract this year as a gap year. Earned some money, got some CV-worthy experience. It was complaints (outgoing calls fortunately) and it wasn't immense fun.

Half the b3tards here appear to be phone monkeys, but for the other half who think they are big and clever for screaming down the phone at said monkeys, you aren't. Most of the people you are speaking to are temps who don't give a fuck either way, but shouting will upset them. Being nice will make them happy, and will probably get you your way, but personally attacking them does not help, and doesn't make you any less angry, does it.

And for the record, you won't see me in court.

/rant (apologies to all those who are nice to the poor call centre people. You really are appreciated)
( Soggy, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 11:43, Reply)

Macro
-FORENOTE- B3tans with sharp memories may find this post rather familiar. That's because this is indeed copy-pasted directly from my post on 'Pet Peeves', a previous QOTW. I see no reason to re-type it - it's in line with this weeks theme and so incredibly, horribly, horribly true.

MAKRO

Well, not so much a shop as a warehouse cash and carry thing - when I was sixteen I worked there on and off for two years, and I honestly believe that my experiences there with Joe Public have shaped me into the bitter, people hating person that I am.

I started to make a list of things that upset me, I presume in an attempt to vent - which lay forgotten for years (I'm now 25.) I found it recently and it made me laugh (To be honest, when I wrote it I wasn't fucking laughing.)

No-one has ever seen it except me - and now you lot. (Edit: twice.)

THINGS MACRO CUSTOMERS DO THAT PISS ME OFF

Picking stuff up, then putting it back down

Putting stuff back that doesn't belong there

The way they come at you with a trolley, deliberately not looking, expecting you to move

The way they always seem to block the shelf you're working on, but never fucking buy it

The way they think they can hurt you by saying "Fine, I'll go to ASDA. It's cheaper." And smile.

"Where's the tonic water?" "It's in the next aisle." "No it's not." Err..yes it fucking well is. They never admit they're wrong when you prove it.

When they drop something and it breaks and then they walk away really quickly and everyone else walks through it! Well done!

The Regular Who Thinks He's Your Friend And Asks For A Discount And Gets Arsey When You Say No.

When you're struggling with something really heavy, and they come up to you and go "excuse me, excuse me, excuse me" until you stop.

The way they expect you to know the price of everything in the store.

Asking for stuff which is obviously frozen - while standing in the paperware aisle, which is on the other end of the store.

When the customer whose kids are misbehaving tell them if they don't pack it in the MAN will get them - pointing at you. The kids then looks at you as if they're about to get raped.

Asking for stuff which blatantly we don't have. Looking at the empty shelf then asking if we have any.

Do You Work Here?

Where is blah blah? Standing next to it.

Asking for something when I know damn well they've not even looked.

Walking up to you and just going "Cat food?" CUNTS AAAARRGHGHNT£N

Blocking the entire aisle with their family and trolley and deliberately not making eye contact.

Walking extra slowly in front of you while you're pulling a pallet of stuff.

Asking you to carry something for them when they're empty handed.

Getting angry when the delivery lorry hasn't arrived.

The way they approach the checkout. Hurry, hurry, the world will end
if I don't pay for my ketchup before that other guy

The way they collar me when I'm on my way to my break

My personal favourite: "The way they walk around with that stupid look on their face." Nice!

Taking stuff off wrapped pallets.

When they walk up behind you when you're wrapping something so
you bump into them, then they go mental at you.

Or when they talk to you while you're wrapping, making you stop, because it's so fucking important you get your fucking cunting lentils.

Asking ridiculous questions - to which there can only be ridiculous answers. "What does this toilet roll look like? Can I open it and see?" "What does this fish taste like?" "is this sugar sweet?"

Last but not least. A fat woman came up to me as I was leaving the store via the frozen section and asked me where the chips were. I politely replied that I wasn't sure as this wasn't my department (truthfully) and she then told me that she hoped I got hit by a bus.
It was one of those moments where it took me a full three seconds to process what I had just heard.

I told her "I think you'd better take that back," and she refused, ambling away with her trolley as if I'd just asked her for 20p.

I walked away before I could do something stupid. Prison wasn't worth the satisfaction of drowning her in fish water out the back.

..in retrospect, some things were just me being stressed and defensive - but at the time it was very very real, and as I've just typed it out, I've gotten all the feeling back again. Rage.
(oneltrchardonnay, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 11:40, 1 reply)

Internal Customers..... or should that be infernal?
I work for a good sized telco. Best description of my job is fault investigator - and approx 65% of problems I can fix without having to send a tech out. We have some very large customers and some not-so-large, with myriad products and 'solutions' (God, I hate that word!!). Some are clever, some are not; some are good, some are twunts. But the worst customers of all are the internal customers - other staff.

Sales people by and large are the smelly glutinous mess at the top of the pond scum. Men and women are equally as bad. Their approach is this - if you are not Sales you are beneath them, and therefore not worthy of respect or the simple courtesies extended from one human to the other. Untermensch by any other name.

I can count on one hand the number of sales people I am happy to help, because they treat me and the others in the team like colleagues, they keep their customer documents up to date, they return calls and reply to messages, and they are respectful. Also they drop us the odd beer or 2.....

But some think that since they can swindle a few businesses out of some dosh for services & products they don't really need (or shouldn't have!) they think they are superior to everyone else.

Normally they are the ones that call you at 8:30PM on a Friday in a mad panic because there is a screw-up happening that their name is all over. Normally its an install (not a fault) but because they have over-promised and are about to reap the fruits of their endeavours, they want you to log it as a fault.

First they come across all pally and use the word "mate" uncomfortably frequently.
Then they say HOW IMPORTANT it is. A lot.
Then they get aggro. And swear at you.
Then they threaten. "I'll call the CEO...."
Go to it, dude......
Finally they beg and plead. Its pathetic.

They just don't understand that if they want help for something out of the ordinary they need to ask for it, not demand it as of right.

These are the same people that will promise you the virginity of their twin 16 year old daughters if you will help save their nads from a certain crushing..... and later if they get into the lift with you, they will ignore you completely.

Length - 8 years of this crap. But the money ain't bad....
(Sebulba continues to fight evil with evil....., Tue 9 Sep 2008, 11:29, Reply)

Opera Books
A few years ago I worked in the marketing dept of a (now rather large) internet retailer. Word reached me that a customer had got in touch to complain that she had ordered some books on opera as a gift for her elderly father, only to receive some rather more "adult" books instead. The customer went in to the usual rant "disgraceful... pornography... elderly man... heart condition..." etc. To receive the following reply from the customer service rep' "sorry that the orders got swapped, but imagine how the person who received the opera books felt"
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 11:27, 1 reply)

But...what?
I used to work in a little local supermarket, still do in fact. Yesterday a man came up to me and asked if we stocked a particular brand of fruit juice. It's not my specialist area, so with the intention of going to ask someone more cleverer I said 'I'm not sure-' at which point he interrupted me with a knowing nudge and wink and said 'I'm not sure either, I'm Terry' and promptly left the shop. Strange.
(sniffle is full of shit, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 11:26, 2 replies)

Slightly off topic but relevant...
My housemate works for the big green supermarket as a till bunny / trolley collector.
After arriving to pick him up after his shift, i couldnt get in the store because of an ambulance and a few police cars! ooohhhh i thought trolley rage gone wrong perhaps?
When i managed to get in a few tills were closed while the 'aces' were cleaning up blood being hidden by a medical screen.
Q housemate a nice shade of green and explained a man (who had just discharged himself from the looney bin) stabbed a guy in the leg while in the Q to pay for his shopping just because the looney man thought that he was MI5 following him.
As it was at housemates till he jumped off and tried to aid stabbed and bleeding man while big burley men disarm the nutter and sit on him.
While management take over my housemate is given the job of getting people out of the way to give space etc "nothing to see here" type thing.
Q one stupid woman desperate to get housemates attention, waving arms, so housemate thinking a friend or relative (the man was with his young son when stabbed)
Housemate: "are you related to the man involved in the incident?"
Woman: "no. can you tell me where the eggs are?"

twit
(VodkaMargarine When there is no Brandy Butter..., Tue 9 Sep 2008, 11:25, 1 reply)

Air Hostess
(1st post nerves!)
So, it was around 2002 and a friend was working for a reputable airline out of the Middle East, the very same what sponsors footie clubs n'that. She worked in First Class on a full flight and was rushed off her feet as soon as service started. After a short while she eventually got around to the portly Indian fella whose service light she noticed was on. She smiled warmly at him.
"Madam" he said "I have been fingering you and fingering you for ages and still you are not coming"
She inhaled, sucked in her cheeks and walked back to the galley to piss herself.

Later, he asked for a Walking Jonny whisky!

God bless the world and all who sail in us.
(jonboy75, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 11:15, 4 replies)

Not my own story
A friend of mine flies airliners that carry hundreds of people, and has developed a keen sense of contempt for her unavoidable cargo over the years. She does have some good tales of fuckwittery though, the most memorable being the time when some poor elderly passenger's heart chose halfway across the Atlantic as the perfect time to beat for the last time. As the cabin crew are trying their utmost to do the impossible, one of them feels an insistent tap on the shoulder, and turns away from prone white passenger, medical equipment etc. to be confronted by a woman demanding an orange juice.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 11:04, 2 replies)

grrrrr customers are idiots!!!!
Ive just finished working for a major credit card company, you would have people call up and start screaming at us because they have a late fee on their account. I look and they havent made a payment for 4 months, when i nicely explain this to them, they say but im on 0%. Yup. People expect the having 0% interest means they dont have to pay AT ALL!!!!

Another common one we used to get is 'my statement didnt have the pay date on it'. Firstly, if it didnt, why didnt you ring us straight away, and secondly you pay roungly the same time every month, you should have still made a payment. Please do not do what one guy did, he was so adament that his statement did not have the due date on it and wanted it sorted there and then. I calmly gave him the fax number and told him to send it now, and i would ring him back. Said fax comes through, I take a look and roll my eyes, ring Mr I Diot back:
SLHHH - Hi mr Diot, I've just recieved the fax.
Mr I Diot - And? What the fuck are you gonna do about my rates and fee?
SLHHH - Nothing.
MID - Pardon?
Slhhh - Nothing.
MID - Why the fucking hell not you stupid bitch??
SLHHH - Well the language you are using towards me doesnt help, but mainly due to the fact that you have CROSSED OUT THE PAYMENT DUE DATE IN BLACK PEN.
MID - BU BU BU BU. FUCK OFF *click*

Also worked for a broadband company, if someones internet wasnt working they would call up, and we would tell them to swap the microfilters to check it wasnt that, and inevitably the line would go dead. they had pulled out the filter without realising their phone was plugged into it. duh

Also, customers who say they are recording the call. Whats the point? most places record the calls anyway, and customers arent allowed to use it without your permission, the amount of swearing you would get once you have denied permission to use it.

All in all, customers are cnuts.
(santas_lil_hohoho is packing her vibrator suitcase, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 10:50, 3 replies)

Yet another I.T. one
Guy rings up a few years back complaining about how we'd charged him from connecting to the internet through our free service. I explained that all the phonecalls were free through our connection (they used an 0800 number) and he wanted to know why he'd been billed £40 for using it.
I check his record and can see that a month ago he'd called us to request a dialup disk from us but had not registered it with us yet.
"Can you tell me what it says on the disk" asks I.
"Yeah, it says Freeserve Installer."
"Ok sir, that's your prob. We're not Freeserve."
"But you sent us the disk."
"No we didn't. We don't have any Freeserve disks sir. Freeserve have the disks."
"I called you for this disk, I get this 2 weeks later in the post, you sent me it!"
"No we didn't. You received that from Freeserve who randomly send these things out."
"Listen sonny. You sent me that disk. I want a refund now, or I'll pass it onto my solicitor."
"Nope, and please explain the situation to your solicitor and he'll tell you we didn't send it either."
"BUT YE SENT IT TO ME!!!!"
"Why would we send it to you? It's from another company."
"I don't know.....but ye did!"
"Thanks for calling sir, goodbye." I ended the call and left a large writeup on his account, quite happily pointing out what the cockup was.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 10:49, Reply)

Dumb things customers say. Part three
"Your TV advert is factually inaccurate."
How much say do you think that I, stood in the store, have to say about the tv advert?

At Vision Express we had a customer come in to complain that the tv ad that said something along the lines of 'the human eye can see a candle 5 miles away', or some other shit, was wrong.
Although the light of the candle could be seen the curvature of the earth would get in the way. The candle would need to be on a stick.

I don't care, why come all the way to come into the store to tell me that?
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Tue 9 Sep 2008, 10:31, 7 replies)

How to Shop Like a Decent Human Being
On behalf of everyone who has ever worked retail, here is a list of things that customers really, really ought to know.

1: You are not the first person to ever say “it must be free then!” when your item doesn’t scan. You are probably not the first person that day. In fact, odds are you aren’t the first person that hour. Please, for the love of god, stop making that joke people!

2: When you are asked whether you would like a carrier bag, do not respond with any of the following:

• “If you like”
• “Whatever”
• A detailed run down of every bag you are carrying and its contents
• “Yes please, I normally carry one with me but…*insert very long and unnecessary story*”
• “If you’ve got one”

3: Be nice to us (not *too* nice - I'm talking to you, you creepy middle aged men) and odds are you will get better, faster service, a charming smile and occasionally if you are a particuarly delightful "regular" you'll find out when you get home that an item in your bag "didn't scan". ;)

4: Most smaller shops are short of notes – especially fivers - first thing in the morning. If you are buying something for 30p at 9.15am, please, please try not to pay with a twenty if you can help it.

5: On a similar note, when you are handed £19.70 in pound coins there’s no need to ask “...don’t you have any notes?” - are you hoping to be told “oh yes, we have lots, I just thought you’d enjoy all the shiny things!”?

6: It is very, very common for customers to put products back on the wrong shelf (stop that, by the way!), and there is no “law” that says you can get the stereo for £1.99 because some moron put it back on the shelf with the £1.99 label. That’s not how it works. Please take the extra 3 seconds to read to WORDS on the shelf label as well as the pretty numbers.

7: If you’re looking for a particular product and a staff member informs you we have sold out of it, please don’t respond with “...why?”. There is really no answer we can give to that. People’s shopping desires are sometimes unpredictable.

8: If you storm out of a shop yelling “I’m never coming back here again!” I promise you, absolutely promise you, as soon as you left all the staff members muttered “thank god for that” to one another. Why do arsehat customers think that that is such a threat? I guarantee you do not spend enough money in that shop for anyone to give a flying monkey whether you come back or not.

9: Queues happen. At busy times of the day (lunchtime, for example) they happen a lot. That’s one of the perils of shopping. You are not special, you don’t get to queue-jump, just go and stand with everyone else.

10: That said though, if there are at least 8 people behind you and only one till in the shop, then now might not be a good time to sort through all your copper at the desk. Just saying.

11: If you are over the age of 8, under the age of 80, fully able bodied, not heavily pregnant, and in a shopping complex with public toilets, then no it’s not unreasonable for the staff to say you can’t use the private staff toilet. Don’t make a scene, you’re only embarrassing yourself.

12: If you are being loud, rude, racist, destructive or violent, we can and will ask you to leave. Don't act surprised.

13: When addressing someone wearing the shop uniform/carrying a stack of cardboard boxes/standing behind a till/enquiring “can I help you?”, please do not open discourse by asking “do you work here?”

14: Nearly every shop in the world has a rubbish bin behind the till, on account of all the people who don’t want their receipts. If you ask nicely, I’m sure you can put your coke-can/apple core/Greggs bag in there. Now that you know that, there’s no need to screw up your trash and stuff it behind products on the shelves, you loonies.

15: On that same topic, STOP DROPPING YOUR UNWANTED RECEIPTS IN THE BASKET STACK, ARRRRRGGHH!!!!!

Now go out there are shop nicely!
(rudderless hippy, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 10:10, 6 replies)

Reciprocate
Am I an arse because of the way I answer junk mail?
I open said mail for a credit-card, catalogue company, AN Other crap offer. I then take a sheet from my scrap paper pile (stuff that was printed on one side, a good few reams of which I accrued during my time at a local Comms company).

That sheet is then folded, stuffed in the pre-paid envelope and then mailed back to them.

I'd love to be there when someone in the 'new customers' dept. opens the envelopes and finds the agenda to a meeting I attended in May 2001, or the chords to Alphaville's 'Big in Japan'.

Just got one from Sky wanted me to spunk up £8.25 a month for a breakdown plan for the Sky+ box I received recently. If it dies after 12 months, I'll just call them up and say I want a new box, which I WILL get because otherwise I'll cancel my subscription.

£8.25 a month indeed.

Sky will be getting part of the walk-through for Bartolli's Hideout from Tomb Raider 2.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 10:04, 10 replies)

Checkout rage
So there I am in the 10-items-or-fewer queue at the local Co-Op, which normally moves pretty fast, but was strangely slow on this occasion. Easily explained: in front of all us nice, conformist, basket wielders was Mutha Bacon with a monumental trolley of shopping. Fatha was there too, which probably explains why the cashier has decided to serve them.

Eventually all their food went through (eighty three quids' worth) and the cashier asked for payment. Only to be completely ignored, as Mutha went on slowly packing stuff into carrier bags, one or two items to a bag. Having a big mouth, I said what everyone was thinking: "Oh for crying out loud, you've already held us up long enough. Just pay." Snarling, incomprehending grunt in return. I point at the "10 items..." sign. "Can't you read?"

Krakatoa.

Screaming from Mutha. Physical threats from Fatha. Manager appears. Ignored. Long rant. And eventually they stalked out, leaving all their stuff. They cruised the car park in their white van for about ten minutes, then drove out the wrong way, ignoring the no exit signs. Meanwhile I was being apologised to by the manager and thanked by all the other customers.

I kept an eye open for the van on my next two visits, never saw it or them again. We get a lot of travellers on their way from Britain to Ireland or vice versa here, so they are probably terrorising staff in Cork or Canterbury now.

In retrospect I realised what the problem was, and it is quite simple.

They really couldn't read.

They couldn't read a sign saying "10 items or fewer" - hence the trolley load.

They couldn't read a till display after they had been distracted and forgotten the amount - hence the abandoned shopping.

They couldn't read a "No exit" sign in the car park.

Still, I have no sympathy.
(ubergeekian, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 10:00, 2 replies)

Just read the post about jump-starting the mobility scooter

Which reminded me of the time me and the misses were on her craft stall in a big marquee in the middle of York. To provide a modicum of security, there was a wooden frame allowing the door to be locked at night (and a security guard). This frame went right around the door of course so that you could drop and raise bolts to make it more secure. The frame was probably 4"x2" pine. Not a problem.

Until Mrs 'Too fat to walk' decides to enter the marquee on her mobility scooter. The 2" step wouldn't normally be a problem, if someone in a wheel chair wanted to come in, we'd help them over with no trouble, but this woman just charged the step.

The whole fucking marquee shook. Really good when a number of stalls had pottery items carefully arranged on trestle tables. The scooter with the woman on board was not going to make it over so what did she do? Park outside and walk in? Dis-mount, carry it over and get back on? Give up and go elsewhere? Ask for help? NO.

She backed up a bit and gave it some wellie. It worked as well. Nearly destroyed £100s of stock and almost ran over a toddler, but hey, she made it without having to get off. Five minutes later she'd 'negotiatied' her way all the way round and barrelled her way out again, complaining bitterly about the height of the step.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 9:54, 5 replies)

Asian prat customer
Working for a certain "complete communications company" (yeah, right) a while back and there was a promotion where people who had a phoneline provided by us were entitled to a free dialup Internet connection.
One guy rings up, some daft asian fart, starts reeling off his issue.
"Hi this is Jeccy, how can I help?"
"Oh hello, this is Daft Asian Guy, I have seen your advert for free Internet if I have a phoneline with you, is that right?"
"Yes, that's correct, all we do is that we send you the Installer Disk, follow that through and that will connect you up ok."
"I will take it."
"Ok, I'll need to take some details, can I take your address."
"I'll give you a delivery address for the computer."
"Eh? How'd you mean?"
"I want you to send the computer to this address."
"We don't supply the computer sir, just the disk to install on a computer."
"Your advert does not say that."
"Errr, yes it does. It lists the minimum specs required for a computer to use this free service."
"No it doesn't."
Me reading from a poster opposite me "Needs at least Windows 95, 32mb ram and at least a 33.6k modem..."
"I want to speak to your manager, I want my free computer!"
"Just passing you over now...."
Got hold of a female manager who liked to be called "TJ" for her initials (or as I liked liked to think as in Hooker).
She plugs in a headset and in her whiney voice "Hi you're through to TJ, how can I help?"
"TJ? That's not even a name!"
She shrank in her seat as I had to stifle the laughter....funnily enough he never got his computer from us. Who'd have thought :p
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 9:47, Reply)

Associated Dairies
My missus has worked for ASsociated DAiries for 12 years, and 10 of those in "George". (although George fucked off years ago but still gets royalties because they use his name). She finally left because there was no joy in it anymore.

She was fortunate to get her own section and thus never had to go on till again for 6 years. Even though she would try to stay in the warehouse as long as possible, processing deliveries etc, she would still have to venture out onto shop-floor and encounter the great unwashed.

Her main complaint was people who would knock things off the rails and just walk off. Opening packs of underwear when there is a clear picture of some fit bird/bloke on the front showing you what they look like on someone who doesn't need a bra for their back.

One of her tales of woe didn't involve her directly..

There were two girls on till, Girl A was serving the only customer, and Girl B was writing prices on tickets for marked-down stuff.

Girl A was nice and polite to the customer, bit of banter, and also a bit of chat with Girl B.

Customer complained that Girl A would rather chat to her mate than concentrate on serving.

Management introduce new rule. No chat between tills. Only allowed to exercise a bit of chat and banter with the customer you're dealing with. Which is crap, because 9/10 customers want to pay for their clothes and fuck off, not be forced into a conversation as if they were having their hair cut.

Now the truly shit part. When there are no customers being served, till-people must attend their tills and not talk to each other, but look alert and eager.

My wife didn't have to entertain such insufferable bollocks, but all the same. They will do anything to kiss the arses of customers, with the "being customer friendly" ethos. Shame they don't extend it to not having half-dozen checkouts unattended when queues are 8 deep on a Sunday afternoon.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 9:32, 2 replies)

Another IT story - stupid individual
Loads of these ;) Anyway I was "In IT" (which meant that people keep asking me how to do stuff in Microsoft Word).

I had this one woman call (who I know, but not in the biblical sense) who has issues connecting to her ISP via modem

Of course you have to take it a step at a time so I wanted to know about her modem first and find out if it was connecting okay or not. I asked her
"Is your modem hanging up?".
She replied "No, its on the desk".
(BANGS HEAD ON DESK)

This is the same woman and as she knows me, genuinely, she took a liberty to ask a non-IT question. "How do aeroplanes fly?" (I kid you not).
Being shocked I said something about air over the wings and the engines pushing it along.
She then asked "Where are the engines, under the bonnet?".

"No, they're usually under the wings, the things that hang down".
She said "Oh, I thought they were fans".
..... (SPEECHLESS)

How do you even start with someone who doesn't even know, well, anything?
(horrgakx, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 9:29, 1 reply)