How are you?
Every time he phones, he asks me how I am. No matter what I reply, he says "Oh. No better?". I think it's supposed to be a joke. The old cockchafer.
( giant_squid, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 10:49, Reply)

Well, since I became a vegetarian
about 13 years ago, you already know what happens each time my Dad and I go out to eat, don't you?
His standard is "And a nice steak for you, right?"
He knows I hate this.
( azerty, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 10:41, Reply)

He loves
to be behind the times with modern music, and says things like "Is this The Oasis?" when a band's on TV
( corington, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 10:40, Reply)

The ultimate in Dad humor
The most widely used and I suppose abused Dad joke in the world is the old, "You hear that?"  Variations include frog, moose, thunder, and "All the years I've been drinking beer and I still can't tell the wet ones from the dry ones..."

Paleographs in the Rocky mountains depict various forms of same.  The image of a stick man, then a small shape that was confused by archaeologists to be a cloud or something of that nature, a strange symbol that is seen on occasion but has never been translated, and finally a very large animal with big things coming out of the top of his head.  This was thought to be some kind of fertility or hunting magic until an old Indian was passing by and overheard the commotion about the series of images.  Looking at what was on the table he exclaimed, "Oh no!  You guys are mixed up!  See, this is the symbol for puff, this means noise, and this is an animal from our legends.  You see, it says, 'Did you hear that Pzonk?'"

I for one have not forced this kind of treatment on my kids, because I don't have any.  I do make up for it with whatever ladies may be standing next to me and having an ever expanding supply, do to my virtuous habits, to effect this tidbit of archaeological lore.  To my chagrin they often just look at me with a glaze over their eyes, through me so to speak, and excuse themselves.  I suppose such heady statements are not for everyone.

In the future this statement will carry on, passed from generation to generation, until we are standing on a planet in a galaxy far, far away.  Even then you will imagine standing on this wind swept rock under green tinted moons; a sound will rend the silence asunder!  And a voice will speak in the deadening silence, "Did you hear that Zark?"
( CapnChkn I would rather be flying elephants., Wed 10 Dec 2003, 10:40, Reply)

Disturbing cat joke
OK, here's the background: I have a cat called Lucy. I occasionally ask my Dad, "where's Lucy?"

His reply: "It does if you rub her up and down against a cheese-grater".

Quite nasty really, but he has been saying it for the last, ooh, 8 years?
(jmst, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 10:38, Reply)

if
I ever asked my dad where he was going he'd always reply "there and back to see how far it is" or if you asked why he'd say "because y is next to Z"
( Tedmus, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 10:35, Reply)

Dad Joke
Dad: Three Chinese farmers
Me: What?
Dad: Ho Ho Ho.
Me: What?
Dad: THREE CHINESE FARMERS
Me: Errr?
Dad: HO HO HO!
Me: Ummm...

I worked it out when I was about 10, after about 4 years of it in response to any joke I told.
( Jay, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 10:32, Reply)

I remembered one my stepfather used to come out with.
If we told him to "pack it in" he'd say
"Paki's don't come in tins, they come in banana boats"

Apologies to all Asians out there, my stepfather was always a cranberry
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 10:31, Reply)

Whenever
I came home from the hairdressers my Dad would always ask "Were they shut?". I remember this was particularly fun when I was 15 and sported a brillant Morrissey monster quiff which had to be trimmed and set every few weeks, come home with huge hair tree on head and almost shaved back and sides - "Were they shut?" HA HA HA ha HAA
(JustRememberedAboutDre, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 10:29, Reply)

It happens every year
and the fact that you know he's going to say it somehow makes it worse.
Picture the scene - Boxing Day;
"Ho hum - soon be Christmas"

GaaaaAAaaAGh!!
( Prof. Slocombe, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 10:28, Reply)

In the 70's/80's
when we Brits used to win just about everything at ice skating, everytime a championship was televised my dear father would "entertain" us/friends/neighbours by "skating" in front of the tv, across the carpet in his socks, even throwing in the odd double axel and triple toe loop whilst yelling things like "Who's going to give Daddy a 5.9 for artistic impression then ?" and "Ooooh look it's Jack Cousins/Jack Curry/Jack Torville and Dean" etc etc. Gaaaaaah !!!! He also used to threaten us kids with bizarre punishments such as "If you don't stop that I shall be forced to sing the third act of Tosca" Funny thing was, that always sounded worse than a smacked bottom.....
Oh, and he STILL (20 odd years later) everytime he goes to the loo repeats that hilarious gaff from Blockbusters - "I think I'll have a P Bob"
( rabbitz, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 10:27, Reply)

I'm Thirsty. Really, I'm Friday
I'm Hungry. Really, i'm Poland.

Me and your mum, we've had 18 happy years, then we met.

What is sad is that i cant wait until i'm 36 to make the joke myself.
( Ulic hissing slightly, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 10:27, Reply)

School Daze
Is it Wednesday today?
Dad: All day...

Nooooooooooooo
( theWooinator, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 10:26, Reply)

my favourite...
when i take the micky out of my dad he comes up with this classic everytime...

"rearrange these 2 words into a well known phrase "off" and "bog"!"
(mozza1234, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 10:24, Reply)

Whilst dying after a big coughing fit...
Ooohh that's a bad cough Jane, what happened to your good one?
(McHamster_Meal_with_fries, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 10:24, Reply)

dad jokes
A mate of mine wearing his wedding suit talking to his 3 year old daughter "I wore this suit on the happiest day of my life, and when I married your mum"
(chipie, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 10:17, Reply)

Well I don't know about anyone else...
...but I don't really mind the prospect of being doomed to tell Dad jokes (I'll be a dad in April!). Maybe I'm in the minority, but I actually look back on my dad's shit jokes with a sort of fondness...

My Dad's worst 'joke' was to do 'funny' things with his childrens' names.

For example, my brother's name is Joe, who was often mockingly called "Vinegar Joe" (early 70's rock band) when he put salt and vinegar on his chips. Since he was born about 10 years after the release of Vinegar Joe's first album, the joke went straight over his head. Didn't stop my dad going into hysterics though. I seem to remember that Joe got so pissed off with it (at age 7 or 8) that he got up one day and stormed away from the dinner table.

My other brother Daniel, was 'christened' "Daniel Boon". At the time, he'd have only been about six or seven so didn't really understand the 18th Century American Colonel reference. Again my dad thought this was hilarious.

I was quite lucky in having the middle name, Luke. So I was "Luke Skywalker" :)
( Thy Maker Has it really been that long?, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 10:16, Reply)

Shhhhhh
Whenever I am staying at my parents house and I go out into town my dad, without fail, will say...."If your not in bed by ten o'clock son.......come home lad." And he will then preceed to almost break a hip laughing.
( theWooinator, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 10:16, Reply)

baddy daddy
First post! Whoo hoo
My dad has loads of bad jokes. First on the list is when visiting peoples houses he inevitably comes out with "it's been nice having me" or "the pleasure was all yours". (Shudder)
Second is saying things in threes and then saying "oh my" like in the Wizard of Oz. Example: sausage and egg and beans OH MY!
When I was a spotty teenager my dad used to poke me and sing in irritating sing-song voice "spotty muldoon, spotty muldoon, she's got spots all over her face". Like to point out that I am not called muldoon nor do I know anybody of that name.
Lastly, if anyone ever mentions the word "statue" he always says "no, it's me" (you have to read it carefully). Similarly, if you ask "where's the bin?" he says "i've been nowhere". This only works if you have a yorkshire accent like me......
(deleted, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 10:14, Reply)

If I spill something,
my dad says "Don't do that, you'll spill it!"
If my brother trips over, he says "Don't do that, you'll trip over!"
Hilarious.
( MissPrism, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 10:14, Reply)

Oh, and
"Dad, can I get down from the table?"
"You don't get down from a table, you get Down from a duck!!!"
( Herr Tezcat, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 10:12, Reply)

"Can you draw the curtains?"
*runs out, gets a sheet of paper...*
and he returns with one badly drawn picture of a window, by which time i've just closed the curtains.
Twat.
( Herr Tezcat, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 10:10, Reply)

Me: "What for?"
Dad: "Four? There's only one!"
(donnie darko, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 10:06, Reply)

I'm a dad
My son is 5 and needs help dressing. He'll say "Dad, can you put my shirt on" and I'll reply "No, it doesn't fit me."
( smutch, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 10:04, Reply)

Winnie-the-pooh quotes
Much as I admire the work of A.A.Milne, having the same lines quoted at you continually from the age of 3 to 33 (and no doubt beyond) does make it lose it's appeal somewhat.

There's a particular line, used whenever anyone opens a present at christmas or birthdays. From a tale about Eeyore's birthday when Pooh gives him an empty honeypot and Piglet gives him a burst balloon. Eeyore finds simple pleasure in his own way by putting the balloon in the pot and taking it out again saying "it goes in and out like anything".

Now everytime I have ever opened a present in front of my dad and thank the giver for the wonderful socks or whatever, he will, without fail, say "it goes in and out like anything".

May have been amusing once.
Hmmm, looking back at what I've written, I find it faintly disturbing...
( A good man, and thorough, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 10:04, Reply)

When we're having a take away......
....we ask my dad if he fancies an Indian.
His answer is always: "I couldn't eat a whole one". Hillariously implying that we mean an Indian person rather than the popular cuisine.

The most painful part is knowing, deep down, that when I have kids I'll do exactly the same thing, and consider myself a modern day Russ Abbott.
(Hip By Association, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 10:03, Reply)

Q: Shall i put the kettle on?
A: If you think it will suit you.

Every.
Fucking.
Time.
(Daveybaby, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 9:47, Reply)

opening jars
when we where little and couldn't open a jar or tin we would shout for Dad and ask if he could open it

Of course, being the clown he was, he would come along - open the jar, say "Yeah I can open that", then close it again twice as hard as it was !
(JBoom, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 9:44, Reply)