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This is a question Dad Jokes

We want to know the lame jokes your Dad makes. E.g. On your mum putting the roast on the table, "All for me? What are you going to eat?" On writing you a cheque for £350, "Three pound fifty? That's cheap." - What are the frankly rubbish gags your dad cracks again and again? WARNING: If you become a dad you'll be doing this stuff too.

(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 2:09)
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Becoming your dad - a warning for young gentlemen everywhere
A word of warning - you do turn into your dad. I’m now thirty-seven with childs, and now find myself reading the Sunday Times and falling asleep in an armchair in a frightening repetition of history that did not seem possible in 1977. I also recycle the jokes that he told us a quarter of a century ago, and I’d be prepared to wager that he stole them off his dad while running round Essex during the War.

For example, Scaryduck Jr’s current favourite joke has been passed from father to son, father to son down the generations:

“I went into a Chinese restaurant the other day. I said to the waiter ‘This meat is rubbery’ to which the waiter replied (Chinese accent) ‘Ah! Thank you very muuuch!’”.


Whereas my old man spoke to me with voices stolen from the Goon Show, my children puzzle over embarrassing dad’s Weebl and Bob-isms. Scaryduckling now has the entire script to Mony Python and the Holy Grail memorised and will answer her father’s question “What do we burn apart from witches?” with a resigned shrug and “More witches.”

You will grow old. You will become the crap, embarrassing dad with crap dad jokes (unless you can’t have kids or are in the gayers). Mark my words, and mark them well.
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 20:15, Reply)
My ...ahem...favorite one
Me : Whats on telly?
Dad : Just some dust..looks like mother forgot to clean telly again
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 20:15, Reply)

"What day is it?"
"Tuesday, all day"

On seeing a plane/hotairballoon/bungee whatever..

"I wouldn't like to be up there in that!"
"I wouldn't like to be up there without it!"

Although fair play for a great comment once, when I was telling him about a mate of mine, who was sleeping with two different women at the same time, and was dead proud/chuffed about the whole affair..

"Honestly, he's like a dog with two dicks.."
"More like a dick with two dogs."
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 20:13, Reply)
'what time is it there?'
i'd ask,
and pops would say;

'same time as it is over there!'

every time.
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 19:57, Reply)
My Dad
used to have an answering machine message where he put on a Russian accent and pretended that he was 'Olaf' and that my Dad was "a little.. ..er.. tied up at the moment.'
Actually that was pretty funny. But generally like everyone he cracks the same terrible jokes all the time. If this is endemic of dads in general that perhaps it would explain why our generation are so loath to 'crack a joke.' I really try not to, it's just not cool. Beh, what a sheep.
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 19:53, Reply)
I hate the car journeys.....
Everytime we were in the car and waiting for the old guy in front to turn (they are soooo slow) at the junction, my Dad would say in the middle of the summer, "Come on!! What are you waiting for? Christmas?"
Im just glad all the windows are closed when he shouts it....
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 19:37, Reply)
Dad jokes:
My dad follows up a fart with a little song;

In church or chapel,
let it rattle.
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 19:37, Reply)
After a large meal
he says, "Well that was nice, whats for dinner?"
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 19:28, Reply)
Re: Dad Jokes
If I dug him up do you think he will remember any?
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 19:24, Reply)
*reads pe teacher post*
My Graphics teacher was a cool friend of mine last year. He want the funniest or normal of blokes, but we always had a laugh. We used to greet each other as *eeelooo daaave!* League of Gentleman style and every time I said something he used to go "No he/she/it didn't" which was funny at first then just stupid and id hit him over the head with my project.
I wouldnt have got into uni without his help. Cheers!
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 19:19, Reply)
Elvis Costello's dad used to say "This custard's a bit lumpy. I think I'll divorce you after tea."
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 19:19, Reply)
well as soon as i walk in on a saturday he asks me wat i been doing so i start tellin him
"well i walked into this building today..."
and after he'd totally cut me off he sed "well i thought u woulda seen it"

terrible isn't it although the "im off"joke has appeared a lot in my house but ive read it on here like 10 times now so none of that
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 19:17, Reply)
LoL, This makes me Cringe!
When we watch TV and some hot chick comes on (ie Rachel Stephens) my dad says "Ah, She's got a nice set of.....teeth!"
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 19:13, Reply)
Yes. They're bad. So very bad. Those Jokes. *Shudder*

Whenever I ask 'How long until dinner?' he will always answer with something like 'Four meters'
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 19:11, Reply)
ahhhhh my good old dad
whilst whatching who wants to be a millionair he insists on say after any one wins any amount of money, well thats better than a poke in the eye with a stick, it wouldent be that bad once in the show, or when some one won a million, but nope when ever any one wins any thing
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 19:11, Reply)
oh yeah and another classic;
His girlfriend lives in a Northern place called Otley, so he always asks her - is it Grotley in Otley?
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 19:06, Reply)
not MY dad but my mates dad...
I think its pretty funny, but him and his mum hate it; In their dining room one of the chairs faces away from a window, outside of which is a Fuchsia, whenever anyone sits there he whittily quips "ah, i see you have your 'back to the fuchsia'" ....Boom, Boom!
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 18:59, Reply)
my dad's favourite is when people say
"we must be off" and he replies
"really? i wondered what that smell was!"

and for some reason he finds it funny to call me Albert....MY NAME IS TIM DAMMIT!

oh, the biggest joke is that im 16 and he wont let me stay home alone, stay up past 9:30 or do homework whilst on Msn

(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 18:57, Reply)
My dad
ok, well when we had company coming oiver, the ice machine we had always got plugged up and he would always say, we have to fix the ice machine or the visitors will spread rumours about our embarrasing ice and then all hell will break lose. embarassing ice, heaven forbid.
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 18:55, Reply)
My mates dad
comes out with this shit line everytime I do something daft.
"Rearrange these words to get a popular phrase... Head Dick."

Oohoohohoohohoh How I never laugh.
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 18:47, Reply)
my dad is the king of bad jokes...
his favourite is when ever anyone mentions chicken he has to say "none for me its foul" even if its got nothing to do with eating one.
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 18:39, Reply)
Whenever he takes me out for dinner
he always asks how I'm paying or where my money is.
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 18:37, Reply)
my dad likes
the idea that all passwords come up as a line of stars. Cue "that's an easy password" hilarity all around.
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 18:34, Reply)
A Funny Old Man
My dad has weird jokes, like his asking me and my sister EVERY day, "Who's your daddy?"
Then he always sings, badly, "I love little baby ducks, sweaty men in trucks"
And he calls Kentucky Fried Chicked
"Kentucky Fried Rat"
he's got some other weird ones too...
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 18:24, Reply)
my papa and his comedy routines
My dad's main comedy crime was excessive use of the phrase 'said the vicar to the actress' or vice versa, as in:
(after sunday lunch) 'I'm stuffed'
'Said the actress to the vicar'

Took me bloody ages (well, about 12 years, as I was a slow learner) to work out why my mum used to go red... then I started to find it bloody funny
Damnit- I'm starting to feel broody now :)
Oh- and he used to tell racist phonetic jokes as well.
PS- first post, cos I can't potto shop for a fig.
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 18:20, Reply)
mum jokes
my mum does the lame-o jokes chez moi

two faves

'have you got the time roughly?'
mum '(ina gruff voice) well it's about...'

small chile 'will you put my shoes on?'
mum 'i don't think they'd fit me'

for these reasons i am now a firm believer in matricide
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 18:16, Reply)
I fall for this every time...
Me: "I'm off"
Dad (or mum): "Thought you smelt a bit"
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 18:09, Reply)
when given rice or pasta for dinner....
"those are funny looking potatoes..."
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 17:59, Reply)
One time I asked my dad for 50 bucks.
He said, "forty dollars? what do you need thirty dollars for?
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 17:59, Reply)
I like lots of butter on my toast, i just do i cant help it, everytime my dad notices me spreading butter on toast he says "Would you like some toast with that butter".
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 17:55, Reply)

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