God-awful jokes
When I was a kid, my mum and dad would tell me off for saying "What?" when I didn't hear something.

When I corrected myself, saying "Pardon?", they would always, without exception, reply "Granted."
(Badger_Patrol, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 15:57, Reply)

oh god, I just remembered another
My old man lives in Spain now (has done for a few years) but comes up to his own parents every couple of months.

One of his many quirks is that he will not pay english booze prices, so in the days before duty free, he would always fill up a two litre evian bottle with gin to bring over.

He always said that he wished he would get stopped by customs. The conversation would go a bit like this:

Customs: What's the purpose of your visit sir?
Dad (in a fake Irish accent): To see my poor old mother
Customs: Where have you been?
Dad: Why to Lourdes. I though myself that I would die, but I was cured after taking the holy waters - By God, t'was a miracle!!
Customs: Would that be what you have in this bottle sir - it appears to be open
Dad: Why yes, I'm taking some home for my ageing mother to help her with her own ailments

*Customs officer uncaps the bottle*

Customs: This isn't water sir, this is gin
Dad: Begorrah! Another miracle!


I heard that one four times....
( expf, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 15:56, Reply)

Every day I'm with mum
Me: do you love me?
Mum: oooooh no, I ate you!

Mum: what do you feel like *for dinner*
Me: oh, something nice
Mum: no, actually, cant we have something really revolting please!

ALL THE TIME!

And oh, one of my memories with my real dad this.
He owned this really crappy tiny car covered in rust, broken/chipped windows, wood/mettle shaveing in the car (I dont think my mum ever knew how bad it was. He sold it for £50). Smelt really nice like a shed though. He was always doing od jobs and had huge sheets of wood in the back and passanger seats. Because they ment so much to him, My sister and I used to sit in the boot among bottles used to make alcohol 9aparently he never did), looking out of the rusted holes in the doors for police. Did I mention this car was tiny?

Ohh those were the days. I remember how mad my mum used to get when we used to being fridge draws full of frogs spawn every time we came home from his.
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 15:54, Reply)

Dear old Grandad Ralph
Thousands have been wiped out in china...
What?
Arseholes!

Do you like birds? Then kiss my arse for a lark then.

That's far fetched, like shit from china.

What are you digging that hole for?
A living.

That's not right or fair, but neither's Louis Armstrong's left arse cheek.

and the classic, as he stormed out of the house after an argument with gran...

What's for dinner?
ARSEHOLES!
Only cook one, I'm not coming back..
( Argh-wrath ... is a very lame Glorantha joke, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 15:52, Reply)

on asking his friend what happened recently,
his friend happened to spit as he talked and he said, "I wanted the news, not the weather"....hmmm
(Vin diesel touches my tra la la shove a bastard in it, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 15:52, Reply)

What a great question:
Dad (upon meeting a child): "How old are you lad?"
Child: "Seven"
Dad: "He he. I was seven when I was your age. Kids - Love 'em - went to school with them..."

...And so on.


The older I get the funnier I find this. Also the older I get the greater the interest in the fibre content of cereals.
( Your Mum, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 15:52, Reply)

Not my Dad,
suprisingly enough he actually is quite funny, but an old friend of mine's Dad fancied himself as a bit of a joker.

Sample phone conversation:

Me: "Ki there, is Karen around?"
Him: "No, she's more of an oblong shape..."

*awkward silence, cue tumbleweed and a single bell tolling*

Me: "Just go and get her will you?"
Him: "OK"
( Reverend Dan, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 15:49, Reply)

What do you call a monkey with dynamite up its arse
BABOOM!

That is all.
(Cockfosters!, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 15:49, Reply)

my father
has this great line, that may put many of your minds at ease.

"It ain't easy bein' cheesy!!"
ha ha ha
( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 15:48, Reply)

When I was a child..
we had these horrible plates with pictures of fruit on, and every Sunday lunch after my dad had cleared his plate and licked it clean he turn to my Mum and say "It's no good, I just can't finish it, I'll have to leave the fruit"

Oh how we'd laugh..

Also, in a very 70's way whenever I'd complain about anything in a youthful manner by saying "It's not fair" he'd always reply "Neither's the hair on a black mans bum"

He also calls coloured people "Chocolate drops" bless him...
( Darryn.R, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 15:47, Reply)

i think i must be dumb or naive
what's a 'spitroast' that made it so funny, please?
(deleted, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 15:46, Reply)

*when picking up food at the dinner table*
"don't use your hands! If God had wanted us to eat with our fingers he wouldn't have given us knives and forks!"
*sigh*
( Herr Tezcat, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 15:42, Reply)

Old girlfriends dad.
Someone blows raspberry - 'now do it with your mouth'

Someone says 'shut up' - 'Yeah, so's mine. Must be the weather'.

Repeated endlessly.
( Not Pineapple anymore, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 15:35, Reply)

word swapping
My dad still always refers to
'electricity' as 'electrickery',
'vice versa' as 'vikky verky'

and he pronouces 'vegetables' with FOUR SYLLABLES
( muteboy, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 15:30, Reply)

Excuse me.
Response - "Why, what have you done?!"

Classic.
(Watermelon, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 15:22, Reply)

Not so much a joker
My old man was never very good on an emotional level. One particular moment stands out vividly. My stepmother's brother-in-law (complex I know but bear with me) had killed himself with a shotgun. The old man at the time ran a pub and when one of the locals came in that night he was confronted with: "If you're thinking of sending Alan a Christmas card, don't bother, he's topped himself."
I didn't know where to look. With hindsight there is some black humour in this but he was just trying to break the news.
I also remember him telling me I was 'about as much use as a barbed wire johnny.'
I was 8 at the time.
(Dr Benson Smoke, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 15:22, Reply)

Chip shop joke
We go in to the chip shop,
Dad: "Got any chips left?"
Chip shop girl: "Yes"
Dad: "Well you should not have cooked so many.."
then turns and makes as if he is about to walk out...
silly old sod. Cool dude though.
(FunnyOnion took his trowsis off, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 15:21, Reply)

shazam
I've lost count of the amount of times I've heard this, but I suppose it's quite stoopidly funny...

Dad starts telling a friend about a magician he once saw and explains that he was picked to put his watch in a bag and have the magician hammer it to peices. After the trick the magician doesn't return the watch and instead tells him to go and sit down.

After the show, quite miffed about his expensive watch, he approaches the sorcerer to have words. "Don't worry about it, let me get you a drink" he says. Getting more pissed off about the watch, Dad starts to threaten the magician. "Look, I told you don't worry about it. Lets sit down and let me buy you a drink and a pie"

Magician orders a pint and a steak and kidney pie from the barmaid. Still concerned about the watch Dad asks him one last time to return it. "Have a look in the pie" says the magician....

And can you guess whats inside???

Yes, Steak and Kidney.
(jackamonk, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 15:17, Reply)

Clueless Comedy
Sat in a restaurant with my mum and her boyfriend a couple of years ago, sniggering to myself at the ineptly titled 'chicken spitroast' on the menu - on questioning said I was laughing at "something I'd just remembered from uni" (always was a good fallback, that one).

The waiter trundled over to take the order, and bless his heart boyfriend comes out with: "Can I have the spitroast, please?"

Followed by my mum's: "Yes, I fancy the spitroast too!"

Neither of them having ever developed a sense of humour, they were completely clueless. Kudos, the waiters face froze instantly and I laughed for the rest of the evening.
(Watermelon, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 15:15, Reply)

Dad Joke
Whenever we have any food for tea that we have to pick up with our fingers and I ask if anyone wants a tissue/napkin my dad always says "No thanks, I'm full!"
(alexcfarrell, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 15:15, Reply)

whenever a new girlfriend visited for the first time:
Dad: Hey, weren't you a blond/redhead/brunette before?
Gf: No, I've had this hair colour for some time now
Dad (to me): Who was that blond/brown/redheaded girl I saw you kissing with yesterday, then?
(downandout, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 15:14, Reply)

Crap Dad type jokes
THE ONE ABOUT THE WIDE MOUTHED BLOODY FROG!

NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES HE SAYS IT HE STILL THINKS IT'S FUNNY!!!!
(Chi Chi, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 15:12, Reply)

Wine
...and then there's the:

Dad: Have you heard about the new Canadian wine?
Us: No (although we have by now)
Dad: (in Canadian/American accent) 'I'm not an American...I'm a Canadiaaaaan!'

he nearly had a seizure once after that....
(Gaj, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 15:10, Reply)

If I haven't seen my dad in a while...
I usually ask "Has anything happened?" to which he will reply "No, nothing I can think of" and then we enter into what now is a rether well scripted piece that may confuse anyone who doesn't know us...

Dad: No nothing. Oh, but your dog died
Me: My dog died? How did that happen?
D: It wandered into the barn and ate some burnt horse flesh, and that killed it.
M: Why was there burnt horse flesh in the barn?
D: Oh a spark from the house must have landed on it and set it on fire. The dog went in, ate some burnt horse flesh and died. Other than that, nothing happened.
M: How did a spark come to land on the barn?
D: Oh, one of the candles around the coffin set the curtains on fire, a spark landed on the barn then the dog went in and ate some burnt horse flesh and died. Nothing else happened.
M: Why was a coffin in the house?
D: Oh your wife died and was brought into the house. One of the candles set the curtains on fire, burnt the house down and a spark landed on the barn. Then your dog ate some of the burnt horse flesh and died. Apart from all that, nothing else happened.

I used to get that EVERY time I visited while at university (and I was at university for 8 years...)

ps. I've started on with that gag about putting the kettle on now. I'm doomed to be a parent!
( bigdave, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 15:10, Reply)

Hungry and Thirsty
Always, always, always the response....even to this day and I'm 28 now...:

Me: Dad, I'm thirsty
Dad: Well I'm Friday

&

Me: Dad I'm hungry
Dad: Well I'm Bulgaria/Romania/other assorted eastern european countries
(Gaj, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 15:08, Reply)

Memories inspired by browsing other people's replies
Being a vegetarian, I also get "fancy a steak" every meal we take together.

For a period in my life I was totally vegan (I got better).

Which of course got referred constantly as "vogon", "vulcan" etc...
( A good man, and thorough, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 14:59, Reply)

Dear old Pater
Beyond threatening to rip my arms off and beat me over the head with them since I was 3 his favourite was always standing behind an innocent to blow his nose then ruffeling unsuspecting innocent's hair as the snather sounds got really graphic. Loved that to death when I was of an age.

Also:
"You can call me late, but don't call me late for supper! Har har."
"This was back in the 70's when I lived with a band/smoked reefer/could eat what I wanted..."
"Damn floors are loose." (post fart)
"Tea please, hold the R, S, and U."
(plesant_tasting, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 14:50, Reply)

Dad joke
Dad walks into a bank and says i would like £40.
The bank person says would you like that in twenty's or tens.
Dad says fifties!
(perilafterperil, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 14:37, Reply)

My granddad, god bless his soul
Every time he was on camera or being video'ed or out with the family, hed stick out his false teeth and pull down his bottom eyelids. Every time. But it was really wierd that after he died we cant find a single photo of him like tat, ecept in my baby book and on a video...

Oh, and I'll never forget the time when he laughed so much at dinner a chip came out of his nose!
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 14:34, Reply)

The incredible art of sarcasm
Most of the jokes my dad uses are already on here but he (and my mum quite strangely) have an amazing talent for messing with people using sarcasm.
Delivery guy with wrong address: (holding out bag) Chinese?
Dad: No, I'm English thanks (proceeds to close door, leaving the bloke standing there looking bemused)

Walking through Birmingham city centre
Big Issue seller: BIG ISSUE!
Dad: Bless you!
Big Issue seller: Are you taking the piss?

He insists that both were accidental but I don't believe him. Slightly off topic but worth a mention is my mum's greatest moment of humour:
2 American girls, pimping for God or something came to the door and asked "Do you believe?" to which my mum replied "Yes, in sex, drugs and violence." She slammed the door and they just stood staring at the weeds on the doorstep for about 10 minutes.

While I'm about it, my dad always says "Beg your parsnips" instead of "Beg your pardon." This cracks up my flat mates who have gone on and on about it for months now.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 14:31, Reply)