Brace yourself..
My orthodentist loves to inflict his enjoyment of classics tearjerkers on his patients, & I have not escaped unmarred. My personal highlights include him fixing my teeth whilst singing to Christina's Aguilera's 'Beautiful,' his crotch gyrating softly against the back of my head. And they wonder why the Brits have shit teeth.

Length? It nearly gave me concussion.
(godbox 3rd best prostitute in London, after mum & sis, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 18:02, Reply)

It must've taken effect by now
I hadn't been to the dentist for about 5 years, bit of a lazy bastard but then my teeth had been fine.

I had some trouble with an infection around my wisdom teeth so I registered at the same NHS practice as the wife so they could give me some antibiotics and I'd be on my way. Well not quite they'd need to patch up a chipped tooth I'd had for years as well. Couldn't do the patching up until the infection had cleared up though, so I returned a week or so later. She has a poke around in my mouth and proceeds to give me an injection with the local anesthetic, "oops not quite right I'll have another bash shall I?" (ok I'm paraphrasing, but you get the idea). I sit around for a bit waiting for it to take effect around the appropriate tooth, nothing. "Has it taken effect yet?" she asks, "No" says I, "Oh it must have by now" says she, "We'll just start and if you feel anything just let me know".

Needless to say the minute she started drilling out the existing filling I felt a sharp pain, I didn't scream, merely calmly indicated to the dozy bitch that perhaps she should have another go with the needle. Anyways, two injections later she finally hit the right spot and did what needed doing. Of course my mouth was numb for the rest of the day, but hey.

The guy that replaced her is fine, never had any problems with him at all. In fact he had to replace an old filling and he hit the spot first time.
(HairyHighlander, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 17:58, Reply)

The Comfy Dentist Chair
Sore tooth, ear-ache and a massive iceberg of a wisdom tooth exploding thru my gums at the back, whoohoo it's time to go to the dentist!

So I went to a dentist near Old Street - it was a very swish place, very professional and they had a very comfy chair which when fully reclined allowed you to gaze out at the blue sky thru the conservatory style roof while they poke around in your mouth. All very relaxing I thought, how very civilised. Then they told me I would have to come back the next day and have my wisdom tooth ripped out.

It's a big fucker alright.

Now, that's not so bad but I booked my appointment for 5pm the next day. Big mistake...

By the time I'm sat in the big chair and suitably numbed up it's now pitch black out side and the glass roof has taken on a mirror like quality due to the darkness outside.


You guessed it! To accompany the twisting metal sound that you get in your ear as the tooth is wrenched free of your jaw bone I am perfectly positioned to watch the whole gory spectacle in the reflection from the roof!

I won't go in to details as everyone knows what those dentists get up to... blood, saliva, exposed bone and broken enamel...

Shocked and disgusted as I was, I couldn't look away! Brrrrr...
(aroe_m0rre, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 17:39, Reply)

When I was a wee lad...
...I had a dentist called Dr Baron. He didn't use anaesthetic and slapped me across the face when I cried.

Consequentially, I'M FUCKING TERRIFIED OF DENTISTS.

Luckily I have an excellent one now called Dr Bax in Macclesfield.
(DrDerekDoctors, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 17:35, Reply)

FAO "Really?"
RE: Your post on Dentith & Dentith, Yes indeed - they are still at it.

Google has found them here:

www.rutnet.co.uk/pp/business/detail.asp?id=5553
(Soupy Twist BEST BEFORE:, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 17:33, Reply)

Always go to a private clinic. They're less likely to almost kill you.
Since I was a boy, I'd gone to the dentist at the local mall. The usual tortuous process and ridiculous fees, but hell, I was on my mum's health plan from work, so the money was nothing to me.

Until the coverage ran out one year, and I needed my wisdom teeth out. I went to the doctor and told him plainly that I had a thousand dollars left on the health coverage and then I was cut off. 'Fine' he says, and then charged me a quarter of that for just the x-rays. Made an appointment to get them out a month from then, and sent me on my way. It was the receptionist who told me that the appointment I'd just scheduled would cost two grand.

Forget that noise, thought I, i'm certainly not giving that kind of money to a two-faced liar who doesn't give a shit about my financial situation. I found another clinic, this time run by a single doctor, and not a comglomerate. Went in for my introductory appointment, and it was like night and day. First thing he told me was that if I was paying for this out of my pocket, I really didn't need to come in every six months. My teeth were in wonderful condition anyway. Then he waives the x-ray fee because he knew I needed to save the money for the operation, and then the kicker came.

"You have asthma, don't you?"
"Yes.," I reply, "Is that a problem?"
"Well, we can't do the operation here, the anesthetic would kill you."

Those fuckers at the mall use the exact same stuff. If I'd gotten my wisdom teeth out there, I would have died in the chair. THEN he says that they'll do the operation at the local hospital, and the government will cover it. Saved my life and my wallet, awful nice of him.

Ask yourself if your dentist would do something like that for you. Maybe it's time you sought another clinic.
(Random Ferret, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 17:26, Reply)

Small Women
My best dentist ever was a small woman at a dental surgery in Amersham. The reason she was great?

Small hands.

My advice to you all is, especially if you have a small mouth, get a dentist with small hands. Makes any work they do inside your gob to be a pleasant experience, rather than a mouth-birth.
(kiwanotree Meh, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 17:21, Reply)

Teefs
I've posted this before in Missing Body parts, but you're having it again, because you love the length (and also because I was late getting it in last time)

For some reason, 4 of my back teeth (not my wisdoms, the set before) had grown out of my gums with very little enamel. This was not due to overeating sweeties, or anything else that could be labelled as 'my fault' it was just my bodies way of saying it couldn't be arsed being normal, and would rather do things its own way. The Dentist had a name for this, Hyopplastic-somethingorother.

Anywho, I'd been seeing an NHS Dentist for years, as i'd had to go to the hospital for Physio on my arm (that's another story!) and it'd seemed convenient to see the Dentist at the same time too, so this Dentist told me my teeth where fine.

Now a few weeks later, my parents had been going to see their own Dentist at a private clinic, and said I should come along, so i did. Anyway, get to this private dentist, he takes one look in me mouth and says that there's not enough enamal on 4 of my teeth, and they'll need to be sorted otherwise i'm buggered. He said that this prob was caused when the teeth where developing, when i was a kid, so how the hell the NHS Dentist missed it, I'll never know.

He then tells me, that cos of other complications (yes, my body's a strange one), I can't have them filled. Fucksocks. They're gonna have to come out. Guess what, due to these same complications, they want to do it under General Anasthetic, and i'd be better off letting the NHS boys and girls do it.

Priv dentist sent a letter off to the NHS Dents, about 4 months later, they got it, and asked me to come in so they could see if the other guy was right. Sheesh, he wrote them a damn letter, what more do they want?! A few weeks later i trundle in for my appointment, after much umming and aaahing, they decide he's right. Few more months later, i go in to have them whipped out, appointment has been moved to next day, but coz i'm not meant to eat anything, they'd rather i stayed overnight so they can make sure, apparently they don't think that scousers are trustworthy. So next day, have it done and they get put in a plastic tube to keep. Yay. I then get a fever and have to stay in hospital for an extra 3 days, for what should have been a 12 hour stay. After examining my teeth in their plastic tube, i notice that one seems to have a mass of stuff on the root that the others don't. Ask the nurse what it is. "Oh its bone". So apparently, not only am i missing 4 teeth, a little section of bone somewhere in my mouth had to come out to.

I bet you're thinking its over now? Nope! A few months later, i head back to priv dentist (can't be arsed with NHS ones now) and he asks how it was, and takes a look. He then tells me the nice fact that they didnt actually do what he asked, and took 2 wrong ones. So i'm missing 2 perfectly good teeth. Bastards. After more cockery with letters and waiting times, that ended up nearly 6 months later, I'm in again with the NHS dentists, this time, they decide they'll do it under local, and they'll fill them, something they'd said they couldn't do last time. Of course by this time, the thin layer of enamel that was there, had pretty much buggered off, leaving me with pretty sensitive teeth. And by sensitive, i mean it hurt like f**k everytime i ate anything at all.

Nasty looking needle stuck in my mouth, hurt like fuck, i can still feel it now when i think about it. Then they did whatever it is dentists do when they fill teeth, with noisy drill like instruments that feel like they are cutting your teeth in half. Alas my tale of woe does not end there, as before they could actually fill them, they realised that they had to flatten them or some bollocks, so cue more parts of teeth dissapearing (and this all started because there was a little enamel missing, so they end up taking stuff away?) so then after what seemed like ages i was allowed to fuck off home where i lay around for days writhing in pain.

Back to Private Dentist, who comments on what a crap job they've done...and...yep, you guessed it, they still havn't sorted the bitching problem out. I let him do the dentistry the last time, top chap, didnt hurt half as much as it had done with the NHS dentists, and he actually got it done.

Heres a pic, of the 4 that were removed, yeh i still have them. One on the far left is the one with the bit of bone on it.



Now here's a bit that I havn't posted before, as it's carried on since then.

I went to see my private dentist bod again, as I had teethache that was exactly like I'd had before they'd 'fixed' them last time, it was a completely different person this time around, so had to relate to them my rather long story, anyway, tap tap, poke poke, a few "does this hurt"s later, and she decides i need more fillings, oh yay and woo. She was connected rather well, so got me an appointment with my favourite NHS buddies again pretty quickly, and I went in to have a root canal this time! It was all very well done, very little pain afterwards, much less than the last few times i'd had dentists rooting around in my mouth. Was a long procedure, should have taken 2 days apparently, but because of the problem of sticking needles in my gum (I bruise and bleed easily) she wanted to get it done in one day, so I was in the chair for a good few hours, but the dentist was great, she let me use my mp3 player, and I blasted some Megadeth which got me through, she was really friendly and was always asking how i was, really made up for the arse's that had done it previously. Oh, and when she finally got the tooth open or whatever, she found out that the end is curved, so she wasn't able to clean it out properly, so theres always a chance it could re-arse up, damnit!!

Anyway, a few weeks ago I was back in hospital for more physio, went to see the dentist, after X-Raying me again (the ammount of bloody X-Rays i've had, i'm sure i'm radioactive!) she said i was fine...oh yes, you know what's coming now don't you... 10 days later, i go to the private dentist, and he says "oh you've got a hole in that tooth, I'll need to fill that" .. .. .. If he hadn't had his hand down my god I would've screamed. Loudly.

Apologies for the length, you'll get used to it once you've had a dentist ram his hand down your throat. This QOTW is giving me toothache!
(Chav In A Box? Was busy stealing your Vauxhall Nova on, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 17:16, Reply)

Dentists aka Masters of the Obvious
My worst trip to the dentists was when I was about 10, I had four milk teeth out, on each side and level of my mouth. This meant no chewing. I woke up with blood around my mouth for the next four days. On the plus side though, I got to eat lots of jam.

I've had a couple of adult teeth out too. Now, aside from the enormous hypodermic needle which apparently will "only scratch a little", the grating feeling of your roots forcibly being removed from your gums, the occasion when the pliers slipped and my dentist almost knocked out another of my teeth, the biggest annoyance has to be the most mind numbingly stupid statement ever cooed placidly by a man with a wannabe medical degree. "Tell me if this feels uncomfortable". You've got pliers in my mouth! You're removing my teeth! Of course I'm not fucking comfortable! In addition, how can I speak with a mouthful of blood and a sedated tongue? In the end, I could only murmer "mmhmm".
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 17:13, Reply)

My dentists when I was younger
worked in his own practice with his wife. Their married surnames are Dentith and Dentith.

They are still worked as far as I know in Oakham in Leicester.
( Really?, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 17:11, Reply)

Polished lip
The dentist was buffing my gnashers with one of those whirring polishers when something became caught in it: my top lip!

It whirred around the head until the thing jammed and tears poured from my eyes. "Sorry about that!" she said, with a jaunty laugh.

I reached into her top, grasped a nipple and twisted it 360 degrees until she fell to her knees with tears pouring from her eyes. "Sorry about that!" I said, with a jaunty laugh.

Well, no I didn't. But I wanted to.
(frankspencer, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 17:09, Reply)

Breastal awareness
My lovely female dentist has no breast awareness what so ever. I go as often as possible so as to get her to lean into me with her perfect, firm boswambos...
(Chicken Amygdala, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 17:00, Reply)

dentists cost me my job!
I once got a job in a publishing company, sweet it thought, I work in publishing get me.

anyway the job was a complete load of bollocks and involved me phoning lots of companies to ask if they wanted to advertise in a bougs publication blah blah blah.

so i get a toothache, ok i say i can do this i cnat take a day off sick cos my boss is a superbitch and will try and sack me. 1 week passes and i have eaten enough neurophen to kill an elephant so i decide to ask i i can get the morning off to go to the emergency dentist (free yay), NO the bitch says, you'll be there all day, but you can go and get an appointment at a normal dentist and be bgack this afternoon.

So i reluctantly go to the dentist who fits me in at 9.30, only to take one look inside my infected gob and say ooooh dear you will have to have an operation on your gums to remove two rear molars and rinse the wound with antibiotics.

I call work, no answer, and return to the dentist at 12 for the gob op, whilst under the effects of the sedative injection i can hear my phone ringing from inside my bag but am unsure of what it is as i am trying to count the flying monkeys around the dentists head.

2 hous later and feeling almost normal (apart from the gaping hole in my gum, fat lip and the £21 it cost to have done (was skint as a tramp) i look at the phone, 7 missed calls from bitchfeatures at work, i immedatly call her and apologise and explain. Call me tommorow morning and i will see if i still want you to work for me.

Also on the same day i got a call from a prospective landlord saying that despite the fact he knew that i had my deposit and first months rent (less £21 now)he was going to let my flat to someone else, i was now going to be homeless, oh no!

So the next day i decide if that bitch wants to fire me she can do it to my face not over the phone (thats the type of person she is), and went in to work. she got another person in the office to fire me whislt she hid in the kitchen only to come out and make a snide face at me as i left.

I blame her not the dentist, but it was the worst trip to the dentist i have ever had.
(superkitty is neither super nor a kitty, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 16:56, Reply)

braces
in my late teens i whent around with blue train tracks just so my teeth would match my faverite jumper:

www.weirdfishshop.co.uk/index.php?product_id=186&category_id=51

they were the exact same colur as this i swear!
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 16:46, Reply)

In my opinion
dentists are vastly overpaid considering the simplicity of their job.

Study dentistry kids.
(SSSSS, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 16:45, Reply)

Painless
I lost half of one of my front teeth in an argument with the bottom of a swimming pool. I've had crowns of varying quality on it and the current one is holding up nicely. The previous one I lost using it to strip a wire, genius!

I'm reluctantly moving to a new dentist now. My last one had beeeeeyoootiful eyes and a gorgeous Irish accent. Hmmmmmmmmm! Barely felt a thing when she was poking around my mouth!
(flimflam_machine, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 16:45, Reply)

B3ta Bastards
I'm going to the dentist next week, 3 times! Hygienist, discussion with dentist then back to get my 5 front teeth ground down for veneers. Then back in in 2 weeks for the proper veneers to be fitted!

You utter, utter bastards for picking this topic this week of all weeks! Un-fucking-believable!

A whole week of tortuous Dentist stories just to get me right in the mood!

Tossers! The lot of you!
(anon_is_best, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 16:43, Reply)

more edinburgh dental hospital ...
also in the 1990s ... needed two wisdom teeth removed and my dentist (someone old school sexists would describe as a "wee slip o a lassie") was incapable of pulling deep-seated roots from my head ... in the waiting room atthe dental hospital was surprised to see that all other patients had 'minders' (for the anaethetic) so when i went in they were surprised ... "on your own? we'll have to give you a local" ... dental student took 45 mins of hauling at back of my mouth to remove one tooth, break another (leaving a portion of the widsom tooth stuck in me) and sever a nerve (still have no feeling at back left of mouth) ... couldn't open my gob for two days ... dental hospital is now a bar & cafe called beluga ... still gives me a crick in my neck
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 16:42, Reply)

The Butcher
I was living in Eastern Europe while my baby teeth were falling out. The country was under communist rule at the time, so we had a dentist at school.

I went to see her with a tooth that was ready to come out, but she yanked the wrong one in her eagerness to help me. She scooted me out of the chair and told me to be on my way. Still in shock, I started walking out and finally had the courage to tell her that she removed the wrong one. She walked over to me, grabbing the pliers on her way, and asked me which one was hurting. I pointed to the proper tooth and she yanked it out while I stood in the doorway. No anestetic and no gauze to stop the bleeding for either tooth.

What a butcher.
( Grampa, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 16:40, Reply)

No wonder he was always grinning...
...Never mind the dentist. For some reason any hygeneist/assistant my dentist had was always pregnant!

I reckon he used to advertise for jobs in the maternity clinic...

Still so many of them deserved their bun in the oven... spoff!
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 16:40, Reply)

not a big deal
every six months or so I go to see a nice man with a white coat who tells me to sit back and relax, while he puts a mirror into my mouth and looks around at my teeth a bit, sometimes maybe poking them with a little metal poking thing. Then he says "yep, all fine" and I go home.
(Tarhun, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 16:36, Reply)

my teeth
are a bit of a scientific case. When i was about 13 I had 12, yes, TWELVE extra freakteeth removed from underneath one of my milkteeth in the backish area of my mouth.

He put them all in a little tin box and gave them to me. My oh my these things are scary, like sharkteeth and sometimes just little splintertype things.
Anyway lets get to the operation shall we? 3 injections into the same general area and 45 minutes of hard labour trying to get those bastards out. They just kept coming and coming again. It didn't even hurt that much.

What DID hurt, however, was when he sewed the wound shut. Fucking hell. And then three days later he just pulled the threads out without anaesthetics! AYEEEEE i had tears rolling down my cheeks and when i got up I crashed into his toolbox knocking all his instruments of doom to the floor. his really fit assistant came running and put an open bottle of goodness knows what under my nose. That stung my nostrils so bad that it woke me up again.

I also broke my front tooth on the top row when i was 11 going down a slide headfirst in the swimming pool. It wasn't fun. I've got a thing that looks exactly like a tooth in it's place. There was a time when that cap came off and i would slip it off as a party trick to make (in particular) girls scream as they saw the filed-down, dead tooth underneath.

Hours of fun

Length? Girth? You wouldn't have enough to fill the whole in my mouth...
( morrybyte made a subtle namechange at, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 16:36, Reply)

Boyfriend
When I said I was going to the dentist, my boyfriend asked me to book up for him. He hadn't been for a few years, he said, as he admitted to a huge fear of dentists. One of the last times he had an appointment, he deliberately went to their old address, after they'd moved, just so he didn't have to go.

Although he wanted me to book it, I wasn't allowed to mention when it was or talk about it at all. The D word was not allowed. He told me I had to get him there without him knowing.

I tried. Really I did. I had to cancel it three times as he'd caught wind of it.

In the end I had him come along to the appointment immediately after mine and he made it. Then it turns out that the last time he'd seen a dentist was 26 years ago.
(BearWithLittleBrain, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 16:32, Reply)

Perv
While I am at it, I went to school with guy who went on to become a dentist.
Never liked him much anyway and turned out he was feeling up the ladies that he had knocked out. 5 years in prison and struck off, I seem to remember. Cnut had a young kid and a pregnant wife as well.
(Darth Thump, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 16:30, Reply)

My dentist was German.
I now cannot imagine a dentist without a german accent - and I will be reading all of your posts imagining your dentists to be german too.

"Now, zis vill not hurt a bit. Just relax, ja?"

I don't think I'd trust a dentist with an english accent now!!!
(once_upon_a_time, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 16:28, Reply)

Waiting room incident
Had the usual dentistry problems- wisdom teeth, cracks, chips etc but this story is about the waiting room.
I was sent back to the waiting room after an injection to let the drugs work. In this waiting roon was about half a dozen people - the usual crowd, couple of older people, cute teen, mum and toddler and Mr Wide-Boy. Mr Wide-Boy was exactly that, tall, big build, tanned, polished bald head, loads of gold jewelry etc. He was lounging on one of the seats, looking cool, arm draped across the back of the chiair, legs spread wide in that "look at my package" pose.
While I am trying to stop myself from drooling in front of the cute teen, this guy is sitting there looking all smug.
Now, this waiting room has a small pile of plastic toys for kids to play with, and the small 4/5 year old that is with the young mum is palying with these. She picks up a plastic telephone and walks around everyone, offering it to them. Naturally, I pretend to pick up the phone, have a brief conversation with an invisible friend and the little girl toddles off happy. She does this with everybody - until she reaches Mr Wide-Boy.
She just wanders up to him, and with a childish giggle, smacks him (as hard as a toddler can) in his knackers with the toy. Mr Wide-Boy collapses in a heap.
Ever been in a room with 5 or so people laughing hilariously through their noses so they don't get caught?
(Darth Thump, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 16:26, Reply)

not so much the dentist . .
My Dentist is fine, as per usual he has bad breath and has a picture of him running the marathon on the side just to make me feel even more slothish and unclean.

However I digress, Its the hygienists, one of them used to wear far far too much makeup but was quite cute and i swear would spend the entire 20 minutes trying to push one of her nipples into my ear (possibly to do with the previous qotw).

The one I have now is a fucking harridan and nags / berates / whines like a bitch about everything

"you don't floss twice a day, you will burn in hell oral heretic, argh you smoke? evil, EVIL!!!!"

meh, im waffling.
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 16:25, Reply)

I preferred being my own dentist
When I was a kid, if I got any loose teeth, I would keep twisiting and pulling the second it got loose , usually with a fair amount of pain and blood. Also never had any fillings and haven't been to the dentist in years. I agree with woodchopper.
( green_ajah, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 16:25, Reply)

The worlds most stupid toothache
Not me but this american hed had toothache for a couple of days so decided to try his home made cure. Eat lots of ice-cream. After several days of brain freezes and constant agony in his mouth he decided to go to the dentists. One x-ray later it turns out he had a nail in his face. Thats right it turns out hed shot himself in the face with a nail gun and didnt even notice.

if your length's over 13 inches you die from lack of blood if you get an erection (true)
(daleks-legs pleasantly suprised no ones said i dont exist, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 16:24, Reply)

Ah, wisdom!
I started to get quite bad earache. This was followed by a sore throat. Thinking that I had an infection, I went to a doctor who had a look and told me there was nothing wrong.

So I went home and the pain became even worse. I also noticed that I had exceptionally bad breath (like rotting meat) and I'd developed a 24 hour headache that kept me awake. Back to the doctor's.

This time she thought to look at my teeth: "Oh, I see. You've got a wisdom tooth coming through. It's broken the skin and become septic. This has infected your whole head. You'd better see a dentist."

The dentist was a brown-eyed beauty with a gorgeous smile (University of Sussex) and fixed me up with a solution: mouthwash.

MOUTHWASH!? It cost about 8 quid and she said it'd turn my teeth red if I used it for too long. So I did what my grandad used to do and just rinsed with salt water. Worked like a treat.
(frankspencer, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 16:23, Reply)